kingbenge Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 A coworker and I are having what I would consider to be an affair. It started out as a kind of an emotional affair and as of late has led to a texting affair. We send each other dirty and sexy texts and she has even sent me pictures of herself in sexy poses w little clothing on. She shocked me when she did this the first time. I confronted her and told her if I ever do or say anything that offends her or goes to far to let me know and I will stop right away. She said she was fine w it,enjoyed it, and saw it as a kind of inside joke we shared.I wanted her to be in control of how far things went so I didn't overstep my bounds. We flirt and say things to each other in person but it goes to a different level when texting each other. We've told each other that if we weren't both married that we would get it on. Even though nothing physical has happened I see this as having an affair. For me as long as nothing physical happens I'm OK w it.I know what I'm doing is wrong but I can deal w that guilt and shame. She on the other is very critical about others who have affairs but yet continues having this affair w me. We have a shared friend who had a sexual affair w another woman. She constantly puts him down abt it and says if he were her man he would be out on the street. Cheating is something she says she doesn't believe in and would never do. It shocks me to hear her say such things and then 30 min late text me the color of panties that she has on. I guess she believes an affair only involves physical contact even though our texting is done in a sneaky and stealth way behind our spouses backs.To me it is very hypocritical.I don't know if she is just fooling herself or truly believes that the only way to cheat is to have sex. I have to believe that most people would agree w me that we are already having an affair - but I just don't know.
kittie s. Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Wow...she is absolutely in denial if she thinks that isn't an affair. I couldn't imagine sending pictures like that to someone other than my boyfriend. You're both hypocritical & liars as far as relationships in general are concerned. You're lying to your wife. She's lying to her husband. She isn't any better than all of the people she has apparently judged. I wouldn't let her think that anymore either. That's all I'm going to say.
Athena Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 She's sending out a double message; people who cheat are terrible people, and yet YOU are special enough for her to come <this> close to cheating. It's nice that you respect her so much by telling her you will stop any time she wants you to, however why don't you start respecting your wife the same? Just tell your wife what you and Ms NeverCheat are up to, and tell wifey you will 'stop right away' if she thinks you are 'going too far' and if anything you and Ms NC are doing 'goes too far' or 'offends' wifey.... in other words just afford your wife the same RESPECT you are freely giving Ms looseyGoosey... This other woman (OW) is titillating herself with the sexiness of it all, and for now it is enough... but in time she's gonna want more, and it will be near impossible for you to resist her. You are both playing with fire. And you will get burned. Which is okay, you can deal with your shame and guilt, but is your wife okay with it? Would you be comfortable letting your wife see any of MsNC's texts? Or to read yours? Why not?? This is the TYPICAL path of affairs -- there's nothing unique about yours... you start getting close to a colleague and over time thinking about them escalates until you are thinking of them even outside work hours... with all the texting you two are doing... that's where you are in the timeline. Next comes the 'whoops we had sex' part, and after that you think well, doing the deed once is no better or worse than trying it again and again. And you will be stuck in a mess.
NowhereToHide Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 She's sending out a double message; people who cheat are terrible people, and yet YOU are special enough for her to come <this> close to cheating. It's nice that you respect her so much by telling her you will stop any time she wants you to, however why don't you start respecting your wife the same? Just tell your wife what you and Ms NeverCheat are up to, and tell wifey you will 'stop right away' if she thinks you are 'going too far' and if anything you and Ms NC are doing 'goes too far' or 'offends' wifey.... in other words just afford your wife the same RESPECT you are freely giving Ms looseyGoosey... This other woman (OW) is titillating herself with the sexiness of it all, and for now it is enough... but in time she's gonna want more, and it will be near impossible for you to resist her. You are both playing with fire. And you will get burned. Which is okay, you can deal with your shame and guilt, but is your wife okay with it? Would you be comfortable letting your wife see any of MsNC's texts? Or to read yours? Why not?? This is the TYPICAL path of affairs -- there's nothing unique about yours... you start getting close to a colleague and over time thinking about them escalates until you are thinking of them even outside work hours... with all the texting you two are doing... that's where you are in the timeline. Next comes the 'whoops we had sex' part, and after that you think well, doing the deed once is no better or worse than trying it again and again. And you will be stuck in a mess. Athena, this is a terrific post. Well said. My A started out with me never intending to have an affair. It's the escalation that occurs with subsequent rationalizations. It feels so good, so flattering, so exciting that you just "write off" what's happening. Do yourself (and your wife) a favor and stop it now. I wish I had.
Author kingbenge Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 I know I'm being an ******* to my wife. I'm not trying to play the victim. I fully know that I'm playing with fire. I'm just trying to understand this relationship. It has me so confused. I do love my wife and don't want to break up with her. I know this woman feels the same about her husband. That's why I was so shocked when we got to this point. I think we have just both become bored in our marriages and this adds some excitement into our otherwise bland lives. I once asked her straight out if she would condone her husband doing these things. She said hell no! She also told me that just because she is married doesn't mean she is dead. But then at the same time looks down upon someone having extramarital sex. She confuses the hell out of me. Looking back on it I never did think it would go this far but I just don't see it going any farther. I see flirting as part of human nature - its going to happen. But can we continue flirting the way we do and not progress towards sex? I just don't know?
NowhereToHide Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I know I'm being an ******* to my wife. I'm not trying to play the victim. I fully know that I'm playing with fire. I'm just trying to understand this relationship. It has me so confused. I do love my wife and don't want to break up with her. I know this woman feels the same about her husband. That's why I was so shocked when we got to this point. I think we have just both become bored in our marriages and this adds some excitement into our otherwise bland lives. I once asked her straight out if she would condone her husband doing these things. She said hell no! She also told me that just because she is married doesn't mean she is dead. But then at the same time looks down upon someone having extramarital sex. She confuses the hell out of me. Looking back on it I never did think it would go this far but I just don't see it going any farther. I see flirting as part of human nature - its going to happen. But can we continue flirting the way we do and not progress towards sex? I just don't know? In my opinion, no, you can't continue this way without it leading to sex. Trust me when I say this. This woman is saying one thing but doing something else. She has poor judgement. That should tell you that she will continue on this path of poor judgement. I get that it's flattering, addicting, exciting... it's a high that is amazing to say the least. But coming off that high will be a bitch. Please, be strong and tell this woman that it needs to stop immediately. The kind of flirting that the two of you are engaged in is NOT part of human nature. IF YOU WOULDN'T DO IT IN FRONT OF YOUR WIFE, YOU SHOULDN'T BE DOING IT. I would give ANYTHING to go back and stop my A from progressing to the point that it did. I want you to imagine your wife finding out. I want you to imagine losing your family. Nothing about this will end well if you continue.
bentnotbroken Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Athena, this is a terrific post. Well said. My A started out with me never intending to have an affair. It's the escalation that occurs with subsequent rationalizations. It feels so good, so flattering, so exciting that you just "write off" what's happening. Do yourself (and your wife) a favor and stop it now. I wish I had. As most people involved in an A, no of them jumped out of bed and yelled, "Wow what a great day to start an A!" They all started with the lowering then destruction of boundaries. It is amazing the things we can come up with to get us what we want. When people say they have become bored with their marriages, it's because you have been become bored with yourself. You have gone stale, stopped growing, stopped expanded. Love and marriage should grow, for that to happen both partners need to grow within themselves. For the person who believes that they can continue to dismiss the boundaries and not go to pursue devastation is idiocy. You are indeed playing the victim with all the what if's and the confusion you created. The ow has shown you her true character(and you to her). Neither of you would be happy with your spouses doing the same thing, but justify what you doing as what ever the lame reason is you are using. Seems the height of hypocrisy
Bryanp Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 She is a total hypocrite. By the way, how would you feel if your wife was doing to you what you are doing to her behind her back.
Athena Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 She is a total hypocrite. By the way, how would you feel if your wife was doing to you what you are doing to her behind her back. He probably thinks HIS Wife would NEVER do this to *him* (cuz he's special, yaknow?), so it's okay... he'll do what the hell he wants, because this other chick must think he's really special to be lowering her apparently high standards of fidelity by willingly sending him sexy photos and lewd texts.... <wow what a romance!> Wonder how romantic this would all seem if her husband, and his wife got to read all the texts?! Oh, never mind... let him just 'pretend' to be <confused> about this woman, so he can have a justifiable excuse to cheat on his own beloved wife, while he tries to figure out this OW.
Athena Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 You are so full of bs to suggest you are embarking on this affair in order to *figure* out this confusing woman....
Devil Inside Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Is this an affair? Sure, it is an emotional affair at this point. Is she in denial about this? Maybe...but maybe not. Either yeah...she does not see this as an affair because you haven't crossed the line into a physical relationship or no...and she is playing a game. Maybe by being so critical of infidelity is a way to get you to take a stance on this..like if you say...I see no issue with it...then maybe she knows you can go further...maybe. Either way...it's playing with fire. If your wife catches you then you will be force into taking some kind of action. Be careful...and think it through. Do not let her make all the decisions...you are questioning her ability to be connected to reality...so why trust your marriage to her judgment?
LoveFantasy Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 A coworker and I are having what I would consider to be an affair. It started out as a kind of an emotional affair and as of late has led to a texting affair. We send each other dirty and sexy texts and she has even sent me pictures of herself in sexy poses w little clothing on. She shocked me when she did this the first time. I confronted her and told her if I ever do or say anything that offends her or goes to far to let me know and I will stop right away. She said she was fine w it,enjoyed it, and saw it as a kind of inside joke we shared.I wanted her to be in control of how far things went so I didn't overstep my bounds. We flirt and say things to each other in person but it goes to a different level when texting each other. We've told each other that if we weren't both married that we would get it on. Even though nothing physical has happened I see this as having an affair. For me as long as nothing physical happens I'm OK w it.I know what I'm doing is wrong but I can deal w that guilt and shame. She on the other is very critical about others who have affairs but yet continues having this affair w me. We have a shared friend who had a sexual affair w another woman. She constantly puts him down abt it and says if he were her man he would be out on the street. Cheating is something she says she doesn't believe in and would never do. It shocks me to hear her say such things and then 30 min late text me the color of panties that she has on. I guess she believes an affair only involves physical contact even though our texting is done in a sneaky and stealth way behind our spouses backs.To me it is very hypocritical.I don't know if she is just fooling herself or truly believes that the only way to cheat is to have sex. I have to believe that most people would agree w me that we are already having an affair - but I just don't know. Maybe she is in denial or maybe she knows exactly what she is doing. I even think that in a way, this thing she has going with you is adding spice in her own relationship with her husband. It's not an affair to her because all this turn on is improving her sex life with her husband. You speak about her being a hyporcrite... your involvement in this makes you a hypocrite as well... a bigger one in fact because you readily admit this is an affair. Your not confused about the OW's way of thinking... that is your reason to justify your affair. Your only confusion or denial is believing that everything is ok as long as it doesn't become a PA or that your wife won't find out and that you're the only one who will have to live with the consequences of your affair. Think about your wife's reaction when she finds out... and she will find out one way or the other. It won't matter to her whether or not the A was physical or not. She will feel devastation at the realization that the husband she loves and trusted has just totally shattered her life and broken her heart in a million pieces. You don't heal from that overnight. I hope the OW is worth it to you.
Athena Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I hope the OW is worth it to you. I want to repeat the above, too....
Athena Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 (edited) I know I'm being an ******* to my wife. This is the sentence that amazes me -- you KNOW what you are doing to your loving wife, and YET you are willing to continue doing it! Why don't you STOP your damaging actions? Your wife will be the one <confused> about WHY her supposedly loving husband was willing to hurt her.... she will look at you with sadness in her eyes, and pain in her face, and she will be crying as she asks you "Why did you hurt me?", "Why did you do this to Us?":( Edited October 4, 2009 by Athena
Author kingbenge Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 You are so full of bs to suggest you are embarking on this affair in order to *figure* out this confusing woman.... What I did not add is that this woman and I are also probably each others best friend. This is why I'm trying to figure her out. Our place of employment is almost like a small family. We all care for each other and this woman and have a "love" for each other- affair or not.This is why I'm so confused. This friendship/affair has taught me how thin the line is that separate platonic and romantic love between friends of the opposite sex. What we are doing is WRONG! It would piss me off if my wife did it and I would not let her see or read any of our texts. As I said, I'm an ****** playing with fire. But, if it doesn't go any farther than dirty, sexy texts and messages, I can live with that guilt. If it moves onto sex - that's something different. She sends me the message that she would never have a sexual affair - but is she being honest? If we can make each other feel good through flirting, and no one else knows, why not. Having sex is something different and I would hope I have enough will to resist that. She, on the other hand, I don't know. If she is so adamnent against sexual affairs why does she so freely continue in this affair? This is what is confusing me. Can two people (who are already friends) maintain a flirtaous relationship or will sex eventually get in the way. I just don't know?
Athena Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Can two people (who are already friends) maintain a flirtaous relationship or will sex eventually get in the way. I just don't know? Well you will find out, won't you? You bought a ticket to board the train which leads to Infidelity... hoping you will somehow NOT reach that destination. What are you planning on doing? Jumping off the train just before you get there...?
Athena Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 This type of thinking is what's known as 'being in denial'
imagine Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Oh yes, you are in an affair. You will have to quit the place that you are working at. The affair is exactly like a drug and will have to be weaned cold turkey. By the by you are already too far into it to just stop. Sorry that you have come to this point but you will need to expose it to your wife. Fat chance hey! Without having met you, this is what happens: You'll try stop for a while. Thought of the woman will come to you and you will try reestablish contact. Hey, you might start spending social time with her. Remember you think this can't happen right? Don't worry you'll find a way. OK. What are my qualifications to express these thoughts. I'm a happily married Christian guy that naively makes contact with the female species. They respond, and the only way that I keep safe is to expose ALL contact to my wife. Believe you me, she keeps me safe. Hence re-read the part about exposure to your wife. And yes, there will be consequences.
imagine Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Oh yes, you are in an affair. You will have to quit the place that you are working at. The affair is exactly like a drug and will have to be weaned cold turkey. By the by you are already too far into it to just stop. Sorry that you have come to this point but you will need to expose it to your wife. Fat chance hey! Without having met you, this is what happens: You'll try stop for a while. Thought of the woman will come to you and you will try reestablish contact. Hey, you might start spending social time with her. Remember you think this can't happen right? Don't worry you'll find a way. OK. What are my qualifications to express these thoughts. I'm a happily married Christian guy that naively makes contact with the female species. They respond, and the only way that I keep safe is to expose ALL contact to my wife. Believe you me, she keeps me safe. Hence re-read the part about exposure to your wife. And yes, there will be consequences.
fooled once Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 A coworker and I are having what I would consider to be an affair. It started out as a kind of an emotional affair and as of late has led to a texting affair. We send each other dirty and sexy texts and she has even sent me pictures of herself in sexy poses w little clothing on. She shocked me when she did this the first time. I confronted her and told her if I ever do or say anything that offends her or goes to far to let me know and I will stop right away. She said she was fine w it,enjoyed it, and saw it as a kind of inside joke we shared.I wanted her to be in control of how far things went so I didn't overstep my bounds. We flirt and say things to each other in person but it goes to a different level when texting each other. We've told each other that if we weren't both married that we would get it on. Even though nothing physical has happened I see this as having an affair. For me as long as nothing physical happens I'm OK w it.I know what I'm doing is wrong but I can deal w that guilt and shame. She on the other is very critical about others who have affairs but yet continues having this affair w me. We have a shared friend who had a sexual affair w another woman. She constantly puts him down abt it and says if he were her man he would be out on the street. Cheating is something she says she doesn't believe in and would never do. It shocks me to hear her say such things and then 30 min late text me the color of panties that she has on. I guess she believes an affair only involves physical contact even though our texting is done in a sneaky and stealth way behind our spouses backs.To me it is very hypocritical.I don't know if she is just fooling herself or truly believes that the only way to cheat is to have sex. I have to believe that most people would agree w me that we are already having an affair - but I just don't know. Everyone has different versions of what they consider cheating.... is cheating only having sex? is cheating kissing someone else? is cheating passionately kissing someone else? Is oral sex cheating? I wonder how your wife would feel about these texts?
bentnotbroken Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 What I did not add is that this woman and I are also probably each others best friend. This is why I'm trying to figure her out. Our place of employment is almost like a small family. We all care for each other and this woman and have a "love" for each other- affair or not.This is why I'm so confused. This friendship/affair has taught me how thin the line is that separate platonic and romantic love between friends of the opposite sex. What we are doing is WRONG! It would piss me off if my wife did it and I would not let her see or read any of our texts. As I said, I'm an ****** playing with fire. But, if it doesn't go any farther than dirty, sexy texts and messages, I can live with that guilt. If it moves onto sex - that's something different. She sends me the message that she would never have a sexual affair - but is she being honest? If we can make each other feel good through flirting, and no one else knows, why not. Having sex is something different and I would hope I have enough will to resist that. She, on the other hand, I don't know. If she is so adamnent against sexual affairs why does she so freely continue in this affair? This is what is confusing me. Can two people (who are already friends) maintain a flirtaous relationship or will sex eventually get in the way. I just don't know? Stop punking out. Either crap or get off the pot. You say you know you are playing with fire. You say you "hope" you can stop before you get to physical. You say you feel love everyone in the office(the family:rolleyes:)are they all getting dirty text from you or is the only one making your penis do the mambo? No guilt, yet your wife doesn't know? Hmmm. seems to me if it means nothing other than getting your ego stroked, then tell your wife you are getting your ego stroked by the honey you work with. Be man enough to tell her she should have the same experience as long as it doesn't lead to sex. Tell her dirty text are okay with you and that you wouldn't be upset with her doing the same thing. You don't even have to know who the guy is. I mean maybe she will love him just like family, except he makes her think dirty. Isn't what's good for the goose good for the gander? Please, you aren't fooling anyone, including yourself. You know you are going to hit the minute it's offered. All you are doing her is looking for the best excuse to give your wife when you get blown out of the water. You have no sense of boundaries and it's going to bite you where it hurts the most.
Athena Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 All you are doing here is looking for the best excuse to give your wife when you get blown out of the water. I saw this too
fooled once Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 (edited) I know I'm being an ******* to my wife. I'm not trying to play the victim. I fully know that I'm playing with fire. I'm just trying to understand this relationship. It has me so confused. I do love my wife and don't want to break up with her. I know this woman feels the same about her husband. That's why I was so shocked when we got to this point. I think we have just both become bored in our marriages and this adds some excitement into our otherwise bland lives. I once asked her straight out if she would condone her husband doing these things. She said hell no! She also told me that just because she is married doesn't mean she is dead. But then at the same time looks down upon someone having extramarital sex. She confuses the hell out of me. Looking back on it I never did think it would go this far but I just don't see it going any farther. I see flirting as part of human nature - its going to happen. But can we continue flirting the way we do and not progress towards sex? I just don't know? HOW do you love your wife? You are disrespecting her so much by playing this texting game. Flirting? So would it be okay if your wife did this same type of flirting? You are trying to justify your behavior. And who cares what the MW thinks? That isn't the problem. Trying to figure out her motives is useless. Figure out YOUR motives. Bored in your marriage? So what are you doing to change that; besides sending dirty texts to another woman? And this woman at work is your best friend? Does your wife know that this other woman is your best friend? Normally, spouses are each others best friends; because - at least in my world - you start the foundation of a relationship/marriage by BEING the other person's friend before starting a marriage. You - in my view - just want us all to excuse your behavior. And you say you might not be able to resist this woman should she decide she wants to boink you? Do you have no control over yourself? Is she putting a gun to your head? I personally hope your wife sees your texts. She just might, unless you delete them (which I highly doubt you do) because you can't keep your phone on you 24/7. Edited October 4, 2009 by fooled once
inhindsight Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 What I did not add is that this woman and I are also probably each others best friend. This is why I'm trying to figure her out. Our place of employment is almost like a small family. We all care for each other and this woman and have a "love" for each other- affair or not.This is why I'm so confused. This friendship/affair has taught me how thin the line is that separate platonic and romantic love between friends of the opposite sex. What we are doing is WRONG! It would piss me off if my wife did it and I would not let her see or read any of our texts. As I said, I'm an ****** playing with fire. But, if it doesn't go any farther than dirty, sexy texts and messages, I can live with that guilt. If it moves onto sex - that's something different. She sends me the message that she would never have a sexual affair - but is she being honest? If we can make each other feel good through flirting, and no one else knows, why not. Having sex is something different and I would hope I have enough will to resist that. She, on the other hand, I don't know. If she is so adamnent against sexual affairs why does she so freely continue in this affair? This is what is confusing me. Can two people (who are already friends) maintain a flirtaous relationship or will sex eventually get in the way. I just don't know? Here's my take on this whole situation. You are questioning her ability to be intouch with reality, because you consider it an affair. THen you mention that you happen to be each other's best friend. My good friend, you are BOTH of your rocker in not being able to see the reality. You are justifying trying to "figure her out" because she is your best friend? PUHLEEZE. A true friend would make you stop and think about what you are doing instead of feeding the flames by sending provocative texts. If your wife EVER found out about ANY of this, even if it never led to to sex, what would say to her? "well, you know, I knew it was wrong, I considered it an affair, but I really wanted to figure her out because she's my best friend, and I was confused" just doesn't cut it. STOP the relationship - including your friendship. I can tell you this. It is NOT possible for you guys to go back to your supposedly purely platonic friendship now, not after everything that has happened so far. It has gone too far. Once you cross that line, it's impossible to take it back and pretend that nothing ever happened.
inhindsight Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I forgot to add to my last post. You mentioned that you could "live with the guilt" of everything so far.... I can assure you, you may think you can live with this guilt, but at some point it will rear its ugly head and bite you. Guilt is like a cancer. It eats away, grows bigger and bigger, and finally consumes you to the point of damaging your soul. The worst part is, your W will never know what the problem is because she has no idea that you engaged in this affair. Then she will question herself, wonder what's wrong with her. PLEASE stop now before its too late.
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