jessiebee Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 History: My fiance and I have been together for 6 years. We started dating when I was in high school and he was just starting out his career. We have had our fights, but for the most part have been happy together (or so I thought). After I finished high school we moved in together I attended school for court reporting and about 3 months into that we found out I was pregnant. He told me not to worry that everything would be okay and I couldn't do anything more than put my trust in him. I worked for the rest of the pregnancy and continued to go to school every day. About two weeks before I had my son I stopped working and he expressed to me that he didn't want me to go back to work and to just focus on school and the baby. Our son was born in August of 2006 and since that time I haven't worked and just focused on school. About a year and a couple of months after my son was born we found out I was pregnant again and he continued to be the trooper that he was and told me not to worry just to focus on school. I finally graduated in July of 2009 and we were supposed to be getting married at the end of this month. Two weekends ago we got into a fight and he was basically just expressing how he didn't like the way I spoke to him and told me if I didn't change the way I spoke to him he wasn't going to marry me. Well, you think I would to the clue, nope def didn't. Instead of being more understanding toward his feelings I told him that that was fine he didn't have to marry me and I would take the kids and leave. I have never been one to really just be more understanding about his feelings, when we fight I always go below the belt and say things that I know will hurt him. I watched my parents do the same thing my whole life and recently they divorced(you think I would have gotten the point)... now he is at the point where he thinks a break or some space is the only thing that will help us. After that fight he left for seven days to collect himself and his feelings and during that time I found out that he was talking to some girl at his job. I thought maybe that was the problem and he had caught feelings for this other woman, but he assures me nothing is going on between them that they are just friends. ( He also made it very clear that he gave up all his friends to be in a relationship with me) Now, he said he needs his space away from me because when he was gone for those seven days he didn't miss me or feel anything for me. He has never gotten to this point where he is just completely shutting me out and telling me I need to start working and be on my own for a little bit. He said he feels like I don't appreciate the fact that he gave up everything to be with me and now I think he has a lot of resentment towards me. We have two children together and I am starting to realize now that I really didn't appreciate the things he was doing for his family and I really do need to change if I want US to work. I have always been a good mother and "wife" but my words over time have broke him down to this point where he doesn't even want to be with me. I am actually staying at my mother's house and I am trying to give him the space that he needs with the kids. I have my job lined up and I am looking to get a second one so we can start paying all these bills down. I guess I just want to know is there hope for us? For things to cool off and for him to realize I'm really not this horrible person he thinks I am? Or should I just find an apartment for the kids and I and move on ?? He says he is doing this for us and that he wants nothing more than to be happy with me and the kids but right now he is just numb to me and all that involves me. What should I do ???
FallForward Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Hi JB, I'm sorry to hear everything you are going through. My situation is different, but I got the "I need space" as part of the explanation. I also have 2 kids and my husband left home. The biggest advice I can give you as a married woman is to work through these things BEFORE you get married. While they don't guarantee anything, it at least allows you to both go into it the right way. Also, he should not feel that coming and going is an option for him. He has to be able to stand there with you and work through your problems. running away is never good for anyone, especially the kids. I am a fighter, so I would not tell you to give up, but I would tell you to learn from the mistakes that you realize you are making, as well as he, and find some way to work through it before calling it quits. I believe you guys can still make it work. And he says he didn't miss you, but it was only for a week....trust me it would have kicked in eventually. There is still hope for you, but the steps you take now, will determine your success with each other in the future. Pre-marital counseling is a good start as well. I hope this helps, but always remember you have to stay strong for those kids no matter how weak you may feel. Take care and you will be in my prayers. Please let me know how things work out for you.
UrKillinMeSmalls Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 (edited) He sounds like a guy that is pretty good at communicating his feelings with you. A lot of men would bottle it up or not bother to take the route of sharing what he's thinking. And the fact that he's supported you for the past couple of years so that you can get an education and care for the child speaks VOLUMES. A man usually doesn't do that unless he has great feelings for you. He didn't cut and run, and he didn't do the bare minimum of just dishing out child support $$ every month. Honestly, not to burn you but to me it sounds like you may need to grow up a bit. Being engaged, with 2 children, and an education under your belt would make one think you have the maturity you need- but from what you're saying it doesn't sound like it's all there. I'm sure he has his issues too, but from this window of info you've given I think it boils down to appreciation like you said. It is EXTREMELY important for a man to feel appreciated. It is one of our utmost needs from a relationship. Respect/admiration is as important to us as feeling loved/taken care of is to a woman. It sounds like he's sacraficed a lot to make it work for the family. Give him the admiration he deserves, it's necessary. Also, is he fulfilling all of your needs? Is there something you feel like you're missing? Do you feel appreciated? If there is be open with him. He sounds like a decent communicator, so get it all out there. If he's asking for space, you can't deny it of him. I do think you guys can work it out, by no means does this seem like a lost cause; far from it. Let him cool down and when he comes back around open a dialog with him. Tell him how much you admire him, show him- and get your needs out there too. The two of you haven't come this far to crumble now. IMO you've done a lot better than MOST people put in this situation. Edited October 3, 2009 by UrKillinMeSmalls
Author jessiebee Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 Thank you, fallfoward. I want to believe there is hope for us. It's just so much easier to think negative:(. I want to believe he wants the space for us to be happy, but that's all I want it for. I DON'T want him to come back because he misses the kids or because he feels bad for me. That is why I left our apartment and I left the kids with him. I still pick them up every day after school and stay with them on Mondays and Fridays but I want the reason for us to get back together is because he still feels something is there. It really stinks when there isn't a lot of communication in a relationship and you think everything is okay and then **Wham** I don't have any type of feeling toward you right now. I really need to let go of the control and give him what he wants because he has been doing it for me for the past 6 years I just never thought it would get this bad. He keeps telling me I'm not giving you anything you want right now because I need to see that you can give me the things I want and all I want is space. I just hope is isn't giving up on us inside. Time heals all wounds, that's what they say, right??
FallForward Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Your right, time does help. but more importantly, its how you use that time. You can be constructive with it. Work on bettering yourself and the flaws you saw. Explain to him that you have no problem giving him the space but you want to set up times where you guys can just get together and talk so no one loses sight of the situation. If its meant to be, it will be. I understand how you feel about getting caught off guard. My husband couldn't even stand being in another room from me, but now he has been gone about 2 mos. It kills me that this man who loved me so hard could be 10 min from me and not want to be with me. That's the one thing I learned, is that nothing is written in stone. Its hard when changes like this happen, but we have to believe its for the better. One of the hard lessons we have to learn about life.
Author jessiebee Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 He is a great person!!! I really couldn't have asked for a better man. We have just had times in the past where I feel like he doesn't appreciate the fact that I'm at school all day trying to get a career together for me and for our family and then coming home to cleaning, cooking, etc.. and in turn I make him feel like all he is doing is bringing home a paycheck. So I guess over the years that has worn him down into thinking I don't respect the things he has done for me, but I do... I guess I just wasn't showing it the right way. And I really don't want to lose him because I feel like we can do so much better. I feel like the things I am realizing now could have made our relationship that much more beautiful. I just don't want to let him down again. I want to show him all the things I've realized for myself, nit because of what he told me and so on.. Also do you think this girl he is talking to is anything to worry about. When I found out they were talking I flipped and then calmed down and tried to listen to what he had to say. He told me they were just friends and she is dating someone but having issues with her babies father and just needed a friend to talk to. He said he would never cheat on me no matter how bad things got and that this break has to do with making us better and has nothing to do with this other girl. Although I really want to believe him because he has never gave me reason not to before, I can't help but think about the what if's..... Every person I talk to about this says that girl could have been anyone... that he was just looking for someone to talk to and that's fine. But now that it is all out there and he knows txting her 100 times a day bothers me don't you think if he wanted us to work he would stop??? Maybe I'm just reading into things wayy too much
UrKillinMeSmalls Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I wouldn't think he's cheating. If he's expressed that he wouldn't cheat on you like that, he probably means it. And I assumed you were doing all the cooking and cleaning ect. on top of school, so that's why I asked you if you felt appreciated as well. Because if neither of you are voicing it and you're both just assuming things because you're doing this and that and he's doing this and that, it doesn't work. It needs to be voiced and shown by both of you. Just keep things positive and up beat when you see him or talk to him. He needs to experience that feeling of "it's going to work, she is worth it, things are positive" every time he talks to you. I don't think he's cheating on you physically, but he may be sharing things with her emotionally instead of talking to you because she's going through the same thing with her man. If that's the case then there is a problem. He may have found a friend that he can emotionally vent to which is good, but YOU are his partner. You may need to convey to him that he should be venting to you instead of his new friend. This should be done with out any kind of ultimatum, in other words don't threaten him or anything, because that will show that you feel threatened by her. Something like "I'm glad that you've found a friend you can relate to, but I wish you'd vent those feelings with me instead. I'm your partner in crime. I'm the girl that counts." Atleast that's the sort of statement I'd appreciate if I were in his shoes. Only you can know what to say. Just remember, stay positive!
boogieboy Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Youve been with him 6 years, but it wasnt **wham** and all of a sudden he cant stand to be around you, its been building up for months and he decided one day he couldnt take anymore. He could very well be seeing this women, but she might make him realize that you are a better fit for him. But then you will have some leverage on him, because then he lied about it. Bottom line, you should give him his space, avoid seeing him altogether, let him miss you. it should happen, but you have to be patient and not bother him. He wont want to come to you if he keeps seeing you and you ask him about whats going on. Also prepare yourself that he might never come back. If hes happier without you, youre in trouble.
Author jessiebee Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 It's not that I feel threatened by her because I'm not. No matter what I gave him two beautiful children and six years of my life... sometimes they weren't the best, but for the most part I was happy with our relationship, but on the other hand I want to know that if we end we were both happy and right now those are not the terms we are on. I feel like I understand that he needs time and the more I look at it I need time too. I can't just change everything about me over night and he can't either. Resentment doesn't just go away in one day it needs to be worked down until there is nothing left. So I want us to have our space but at the same time I would just like to be reassured sometimes that we are still doing this to make things better for us. I only have one side of the story going on in my head and at times I get carried away with all the what if's and this has only been going on for two weeks could you imagine where my head would be if this took months. I just want to feel like we are on the same page sometimes. I don't think that's asking for much, is it??
Author jessiebee Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 Ughhh and for how long am I going to feel like something could be going on and he just doesn't want to tell me??? The way I found everything out is just making me feel really insecure. I wish I could just know!! He won't let me see anything because he said he just told me the hardest thing he would ever have to tell me and that was that he just felt numb towards me so there should be no reason for me to see the txt messages 1) Because he is not going to give me what I want right now just becaue I want it and 2) Because he feels like he has already explained who she is to him. Oh and another thing he said is that he doesn't even talk to her about our problems because he is ashamed we are even having this problem. He said he has only talked to his mom and me abt what he is feeling.
UrKillinMeSmalls Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 It's not that I feel threatened by her because I'm not. No matter what I gave him two beautiful children and six years of my life... sometimes they weren't the best, but for the most part I was happy with our relationship, but on the other hand I want to know that if we end we were both happy and right now those are not the terms we are on. I feel like I understand that he needs time and the more I look at it I need time too. I can't just change everything about me over night and he can't either. Resentment doesn't just go away in one day it needs to be worked down until there is nothing left. So I want us to have our space but at the same time I would just like to be reassured sometimes that we are still doing this to make things better for us. I only have one side of the story going on in my head and at times I get carried away with all the what if's and this has only been going on for two weeks could you imagine where my head would be if this took months. I just want to feel like we are on the same page sometimes. I don't think that's asking for much, is it?? Your response is confusing. Are you looking for more advice, or just seeking a listener? It sounds like you're venting more than searching for information/input. That's OK, just being clear. Some people put a fair amount of time into their input
Author jessiebee Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 LOL..... I'm always looking for advice. Good or bad it always helps!!!
Logik Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Two things I've learnt in a situation like this. Stop contact and take the last thing he said as gospel. Now I know you can't stop contact because of the kids, but when you do have contact, make it brief and only about the kids, not the relationship. Otherwise, you're not giving the space he's asked for. As for the last thing he said, you said he's doing this to better your relationship. If he's said nothing else about it since then, go with that. If his feelings change about the situation, he'll let you know. Be patient. The cogs of time grind slowly and finely.
Author jessiebee Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 Okay. So you really think I should take it for what he said and not worry about the other girl(his friend). I've been messing up already because I think almost everytime I see/talk to him I always have a question about us. So I should let that go?? Just worry about me and the kids??
Logik Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 What other information do you have to go with? Nothing. No solid proof. A news agency would never run a story without having a solid lead, that they can back up. Why should you? If you had to solve an equation, and you just decide to put numbers in there because you THINK they need to be there, you're gonna come out with an incorrect answer. Use the info you have to deal with your problem. If you're not getting the correct numbers for the equation, then you can't be expected to solve it. Is he that type of person - to give false information? All you have at this point in time is you and your children. He's given you a reason for the space he needs. Give it to him and focus on you and the children. Be patient. Don't force it. You'll end up pushing him further away.
Author jessiebee Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 The only proof I haveare our phone records which just tell me how much he is texting this girl, but not what they are texting about. He has never been on to lie or cheat EVER. That's why this is so hard for me to deal with because there are all these little things going on that are making me this insecure person that I'm not. I really just need to vent to one of my friends when I start thinking crazy like this instead of picking his brain.... it really is making things worse. I need to just drop the kids off and stay at my mother's until I have enough money to get an apartment and maybe by then he will have made up his mind.... The only thing I can go with is that he just resents me at the moment because I'm not the worst person he has been with I just have a bad temper I need to work on and start making him feel more appreciated
Logik Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Stop trying to analyse everything. Just remember. Little contact and last communication from him. Don't keep thinking about this other girl. Stop thinking about what he might be thinking. Focus on yourself. Your temper. I'm the same with my temper. Mine's mostly frustration. Why do you get frustrated? I found that my frustration stemmed from my inability to have control over things that are out of my control. Like people in the traffic, or a referee in a sports game. I had no control over it and it frustrated me no end. It seems yours could be from the same place, since you're trying to control this situation that you're in. Here's some useful info. You can't control it. You have to let it be. You'll find that once you do this, your fuse might not be as short and you're on you way to becoming a calmer, more balanced person. Isn't that what you want for yourself? Isn't that what he wants from you? Think about it.
ON MY OWN Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 (edited) It's not that I feel threatened by her because I'm not. No matter what I gave him two beautiful children and six years of my life... sometimes they weren't the best, but for the most part I was happy with our relationship, but on the other hand I want to know that if we end we were both happy and right now those are not the terms we are on. I feel like I understand that he needs time and the more I look at it I need time too. I can't just change everything about me over night and he can't either. Resentment doesn't just go away in one day it needs to be worked down until there is nothing left. So I want us to have our space but at the same time I would just like to be reassured sometimes that we are still doing this to make things better for us. I only have one side of the story going on in my head and at times I get carried away with all the what if's and this has only been going on for two weeks could you imagine where my head would be if this took months. I just want to feel like we are on the same page sometimes. I don't think that's asking for much, is it?? Sometimes in life we dont always have a choice. If you love him IMO, it is a crucial that you respect his wishes, you said what you had to. Also I have some similarities with an ex and have learned quite a bit and am definitely changed for the better from it. IMO, a woman should NEVER move in with a man before marriage...the promise of marriage is that, MARRIAGE..nothing less...not living together, promise rings enagagement rings, pre bought wedding rings before one has set a date, plans to elope, etc...I have lived this and can warn one that it is not a good idea. I think if you have a set of standards you live by you will gain more respect. Again this is IMO, and I have lived through enough and know the problems my girlfriends have had and they all fit into a pattern. You seem like a nice person, please dont beat yourself up too bad...self torture is the worst, take it from someone that has experience in that department. Id like to give you some things to think about.. 1. What do you 2 plan to gain from a " break " or time apart? It only creates more distance. 2. Relationships take work. When something needs work is it logical to run? This is what a relationship IS. 3. Problems will never work themselves out if neither party deals with them. 4. If a woman is ever involved a man acts completely different. You have the right to know if he is being straight with you. Best of luck to you. Please feel free to drop me a note back if you have any questions. I was through something very similar to yours and am happier without the person who put me through all of the senseless pain. Remember, noone is perfect and he cant expect you to be either. Go easy on yourself, it sounds like you have acknowledged your mistakes and if he cant forgive when you have asked its on him. Edited October 3, 2009 by ON MY OWN
Author jessiebee Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 Logik I am pretty much the same way.I am the BIGGEST control freak. I would have loved nothing more than to manipulate the situation if I could have. I am now starting to realize little by little that he doesn't want me to be like this anymore for me, for him, and for our kids. I know he has the best intentions, I just feel like he is taking it overboard with wanting to get me out of the house because I need to be on my own for a little bit and letting the kids stay with him. He wants me to remember what it's like to go out every day and earn a paycheck b/c he feels I didn't appreciate what he has done. And as much as I try to talk to him the worse I am making the situation. I want to be the person he grew to love but I also know that like the resentment he has for me is going to take time so are the changes I have to make. It is killing me to try not to talk to him though. Although I know the way he feels I don't feel like this is the worst thing a person could do to someone.
Author jessiebee Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 On my Own, 1) He said he wants the distance between us to make him realize that he really does miss me and that it was just all the resentment he had builtup inside of him that was making him feel numb towards me. 2)I def feel he is trying to make it work because he isn't running, I mean, he wants a break but he hasn't said "Well, this is it. We are over." 3) He wants to deal with them but on his terms. I knows I want to work things out and he knows where I stand but right now he is looking at what he wants.. Something he hasn't been able to do in a while because he was always worrying about me and the kids. 4) He has told me time and time again nothing is going on and I truely believe him. It's just at times where I start to feel really low that I think back to that. Maybe because I am trying to find another reason why he is acting like this instead of accepting the fact that it is me and my attitude towards him !!
Logik Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Just let go. Just go day by day. When you have contact, be kind and calm. Be happy. Show him you love him, don't tell him. Not in ways that are obvious though. Just treat him how you wished you treated him in the past. Even if you cry all the way back to where you're staying, don't show him that you're hurting. And genuinely, work on yourself. Not for him. For you first, then for your kids and then only for him. Put him in the background for now. I can't give you any more advice. The rest is up to you. If it's meant to be, it will be. Doesn't matter what you do, say or feel. So go with it and you will eventually know the outcome and its reasons. And however it turns out, you'll look back and wonder why you put so much time and energy into feeling down about the whole situation. You say you're a control freak. That's interesting, because you're not trying to have control over yourself. That's the only thing that we actually have control over, so take control right now. Why? Because you can. Start controlling the thing you DO have power over.
Author jessiebee Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 Thanks, Logik. I will do. I know I need to start working on me for me first so I should get to it. Thanks for the advice and I will keep you posted !!!
Author jessiebee Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 Just wish it wasn't so hard to not talk to him.... this is what ppl get for getting too comfortable
Logik Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Don't ever forget that YOU are number one in your life. Gotta take care of number one first. True comfort comes from comfort with one's self. Others are in our lives for companionship and enrichment, not comfort. Take control. You deserve to. Good luck.
Author jessiebee Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 Can someone please tell me what IMO means
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