Destination Unknown Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I’m a married woman looking to get my marriage on the right track. I posted my first LS entry a couple days ago primarily out of a need to vomit out a toxic mix of emotions I was having. I can’t say enough how grateful I am to have found this forum. I took the time to read through so many other threads and saw all the other resources that are out there like Homer McDonald, the "180" advice and so on. Posting on LS and reading through other people’s threads helped me "talk" so that by the time I talked in real life to my husband, I had composed my thoughts and emotions, and we were able to have a much more productive and respectful conversation as a result. Gloria Steinem may not appreciate me saying this, but I do think that the burden of nurturing a relationship falls more heavily on the woman. Believe me, I love and respect men. And for the most part, I firmly believe men want to be good husbands and fathers, but I think they are sabotaged by social stereotypes that tell them they are “built” to be irresponsible, emotionally incompetent, prone to vice, whether that’s drinking, gambling, cheating, whatever…. I don’t know if people will agree with me on this but I really believe it. Our society promotes the idea that men are emotionally shallow and encourages them to believe that they can do no better. I’m thinking of phrases like "boys will be boys" and TV husbands like Something About Raymond, Married with Children, King of Queens and so on...all shows I freely admit to finding funny, but when you think about it, really are unflattering to guys. That’s not to say there’s no truth to the fact that you guys DO love to be coddled and waited on, love to sit on your ass and watch football, leave your socks rolled up into sweaty balls instead of putting them into the hamper, etc. That’s why the shows are funny, because there’s an underlying grain of truth to some of it. But straight men are typecast so negatively as overgrown toddlers who need to be fed, clothed, placated, accommodated, educated, negotiated with…basically, perpetual children who have to be ”managed” for their own good by their mothers and wives. I think this really sells men short. It sets the bar really low for young boys. In my work I have cause to see so many young men who are morally and emotionally lost and misdirected, and it breaks my heart. I think it is a real disservice to society that we shortchange how emotionally vulnerable boys are, because by the time they become young men it is too late. So, I wanted to say “thank you” to all the men who are posting on Lifeshack – I made a foolish snap judgment that a site like this would be populated primarily by women, but I was proven very wrong. Your threads and honesty and insight have been the most helpful for me to read because I love my husband and I want to understand him. I'm sorry that anyone is posting on this forum at all and that so many good men and women are suffering. But it's a real blessing and privilege to "meet" you all.
PWSX3 Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I am a guy so maybe I shouldn't be saying anything, but when I was growing up I heard this all the time; if you want to cry about then I'll give you something to cry about. So I learned not to show emotion, I was told that if you cried we were a sissy, so I feel that is why some men don't know how to show emotion or affection because we were not shown how to do it. I know now that I will cry at a sad movie, last night I cried listening to a testimony at a concert, but it is because I am learning I do have feelings. We were also taught that we are the bread winners of the house & that we are to provide food, shelter, etc. but were not taught how to satisfy a woman & her needs. Like Gunny has said many times on here, this stuff needs to be taught in schools, not to be learned in a marriage when you have no clue what you are doing in the first place.
Author Destination Unknown Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 Exactly my point. I hope my posting isn't taken the wrong way by women, because I'm not making excuses for bad behavior, abusive behavior and so on. But I think that to some degree, men are being set up to fail. In my experience, you guys are often better at maintaining friendships than women are. So you're trained early in the art of being a "buddy" but left hanging when it comes to women.
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