Els Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Recently, I've had some pretty bad stuff happen in my family. And then I realized something that I'd noticed all along - my SO simply cannot comfort me through words if you put a gun at his head. He would try and sit there with me, but he somehow can't bring himself to show tenderness of expression or say comforting words. This works out fine RL, when he could put an arm around me or wipe away my tears - not so fine LD when all you really have are words and facial expressions. Ugh.
JaggedRoad Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 How do you want him to comfort you? Or better yet, what do you want him to say? It's not so easy for everyone to say the right words, so it's sometimes better when someone stays silent rather than say something unintentionally insensitive. Why don't you be more sensitive to his feelings? You might be going through something, but it doesn't mean he's having a jolly good time either.
Author Els Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 Anything that sounds tender and kind. He is a very logically-driven person, so he cannot see the sense in that. To be very honest, he is going through a lot but none of it compares to what I am now (if you wish, check my posts, I've no desire to recap it here). Still, I'm really just ranting here, and hoping that people with similar SOs could share how they deal with it.
kittie s. Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Hey hey. Actually, my boyfriend isn't so great with the words either. He's good with comforting, but not with the everyday things a girl needs to hear. TRYING my best to get him to work on that, because like you said, it's completely okay when you are together in person, but not so much when you are long distance. Have you talked to him much about it? Tell him that right now, you need to hear how he feels & you need him to tell you it's going to be okay. The other posters may be right, there might be something going on with him too and he doesn't want to add to your current problems, so the best he can do is just be quiet and listen. I don't have a lot of good advice for this, because I've got kinda the same problem: a wonderful guy that is not so great with words.
Author Els Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 I don't have a lot of good advice for this, because I've got kinda the same problem: a wonderful guy that is not so great with words. Thanks for helping me put it in words! It's exactly what I meant, bit tired from a long day at the hospital. I did tell him about it; he told me it was just difficult for him to 'comfort' instead of 'fix' but that he'd try. And I appreciate that. Still, it does make me sad sometimes.
JaggedRoad Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 A lot of us "nice guys" have difficulty just letting things be and would rather try to fix things so we can feel in control or appreciated. And when it doesn't work, we feel like we've failed. Order a copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy and read it with your husband.
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