Partner's mother makes me want to rip scream!

[Luna Tears]

Hi there,

 

This is my first post and I didn't know where to post this so here goes.

 

~*~

 

Last night I was at my boyfriend's place and I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to go to a resturant tonight because I felt obligated to pay for a night out since he spent a lot of money on me this week while taking me to the city, (we stayed at his parentd place) by buying me meals and spoiling me by taking me to see Wicked.

 

It's only fair that I ask. I asked him while his mother was in the next room and he happily said yes he would go to dinner with me.

 

 

Just now Peter called me up and said he had to cancel tonight as his parents friends were hosting a dinner and he "had" to go to "pick" up some random item from their place. He said he was sorry but his mother wanted him to come with her and his father.

 

I would have been fine with it, but I have had a enough of his mother lately. Three weeks ago, Peter took me to a gathering at another resturant for his parents friends. I thought oh that's nice they invited me. I thanked his mother for inviting me and she replies "You should thank Peter." (In other words, if Peter didn't want you there then you would never have been invited).

 

The night we seen Wicked, his mother insisted that we have dinner before we went, even though we told her specifically that we had to leave at a certain time. Even when we showered and dressed etc we didn't have time to sit and have dinner. She enforced that we did. Even when we put small portions on our plates. His mother questioned as to why we didn't have bigger portions. Thus making us miss our train into the main area of the city and when we got to the theater we were three minutes after lockout so we had to stand for twenty mintues watching the beginning on a tv screen.

 

Also I didn't need to know where I was sleeping as I was placed in the spare room (his older sibling's room) near his parents and infront of the upstairs landing so if I got up to say if I snuck to Peter's room, she would know.

Peter whispered in my ear "Mom wanted me to tell you that you have to sleep in the spare room."

 

I snorted "You needn't bother telling me, she does it everytime I come."

 

Peter replied "You don't have to be like that."

 

If she wanted for me to sleep in the spare room she should have told it to my face instead of passing it on to Peter.

 

When I went to the room it was all made up, with fresh towels. Mind you I have been with Peter for Six years and I was put in the spare room yet again. Everytime (bah once) I have slept in a spare room, I slept in a spare room next to Peter's but she must have conned on that I or Peter were sneaking into each others rooms so she moved me to the room near her and her husband's.

 

And the one time I actually slept in Peter's room with Peter when we were at his parents place with her knowledge was during NYE holidays. That was because the other rooms was filled with the rest of the family.

 

I think it is ridiclous that we are being put in different rooms at our ages especially since we are dating. I feel like a naughty teenager when I sneak into his room or he comes into mine. The last night I made him sleep in bed with me. When I told him to he pulled a face like "Mom said no, I don't want to disobey her wishes."

 

*********

 

I'm wondering why Peter would go to this dinner anyway there is no one his age there. Although one of his mother's friends has been pestering him about taking an interest in her daughter (who is near his age) and even had the gall to ask if I was dating anybody in front of Peter.

His mother also told my mother that she didn't like that I was unmotivated etc, meaning that I sleep alot (I have low iron counts and I get tired easy) when she sees me and I said to my mother "I rather be "unmotivated" then being a nightly drunk drinking the whole wine bottle in one night".

 

Peter's 36 and I'm 26 sorry if it sounds like I'm chucking a tantrum but I need to get this off my chest. It seems he is treated like a child and I hate that his mother is telling him things to say to me when she can say it to my face.

 

What can I say to Peter to up his anti? I love him with all my heart but it seems that his mother has control over him. On weekends his parents come to his place and when we are alone it is swimmingly like a real couple. Once his parents make that call that their an hour or two away, Peter goes into panic mode and cleans franctically even if the rooms are clean already he has to dust and wipe the bench and table with cleaning fluid etc. So it's up to mommy's standards. When they arrive his mother inspects the place. And it gets uncomfortable. You know that feeling when you feel like that the other person doesn't want you there but does't say it directly to you?

 

Just now I have reached the stage in my life were I want to be a grown up and start talking of marriage and children with Peter. How does one turn the converstation to poilitely ask for him to "grow" up and away from his mother?

[Stroon]

i totally sympathise with you.

I had the same experiences with my ex and his mother.

We, like you had about 10 years age diference between us.

When i got together with him, he had been single for about 10 years. not long after we got together his mum came round while i was there and started crying (bit pathetic) and carrying on about how he never goes to see her anymore, and said in front of me (and i quote) 'its alright for you now you've got somewhere to put it' !!!!

i couldnt believe the rudeness of this woman! i said to him afterwards 'i bet your mum has been hassling you for years to get a girlfriend' and he confirmed this was true.

Bottom line was i was not what she had wanted for her boy.

 

She used to do his washing, as he did not have a machine, and when i moved in she used to come round and collect our washing while we were out, while she was there she would also tidy up, move things around like plants and stuff cos SHE didnt like where i'd put them! and (shock horror) make our bed!!! he couldnt see any problem with this.

after about 6 years we got a washing machine and i told him he would have to get the key off her as i couldnt take her interfering anymore.

He was a bit annoyed and said 'it'll upset her' oh yeah, like i cared!!

 

i wish i could advise you, but i've heard this story many times and too often the mother's wishes take presidence over that of the wife's/partner's.

all you can try to do is put your foot down, and i mean hard.

you cant get away with doing this all the time, but now and then you need a victory and dont give him any choice in the matter, lay down the law.

If i was in your situation, i would refuse to go sleep at his parents. so what if that causes tensions between you and his mum? you're unhappy and thats not on.

It will make your partner unhappy that you aren't doing what he (or she) wants but thats the point. he won't ever understand, but you can at least force the issue and do what you want.

 

I just hope that my comments have made you chuckle, and know that you're definately not alone in your experiences.

 

I left my ex two years ago, and although it wasnt because of his family, i must admit that sometimes i did fantasise about leaving just so i didnt have to see them anymore!

[Luna Tears]

Taylor that got me giggling hee hee. She hasn't gone far as to "wash" clothes yet. She has a particular thing about sex or "dirty" habits and must wash the sheets etc after every visit.

 

Because she "studied" bacterial germs when she went to college to train as a pharmisist.

 

Peter told me (I'm a girl and he is a boy ) that when he used to have a friend come to the country an stayed in the room which is now classified his parent's room. The guy invited some girls from the bar to the house. The house belongs to Peter's parents and when his mother found out, she disinfected the room and told Peter that the room was his from then on.

 

I wouldn't have believed the story until I thought of the structure of the house. Built in wardrobe, main bathroom adjacent to the bedroom etc.

 

Yes I know I have flaws and omg Taylor your going to giggle. I have stacked on a bit of weight about six kilos which has made my stomach a "muffin" top. His mother thought I was pregnant and said to an aquitance and people in the community who know me that I was pregnant and that she was not impressed that I was.

 

As if it's any of her business if I was. I told Peter what his mother did and he dismissed it by saying "Sounds like something she would do."

Edited October 3, 2009 by Luna Tears
Spelling

[boundaryproblem]

He's 36.

 

The question is why hasn't he already addressed this problem in prior decades/years?

 

What is it within him that stops him from neutralizing his mother as a negative in his life?

 

 

e.g. some people deliberately live on other side of country from problem parent that won't respect boundaries etc.

[Luna Tears]

That's it.

 

Peter and I are somewhat living together. I'm saying somewhat as I come over when they leave on Monday and leave when his parents come on the Fridays.

 

I ran into an old friend and chatted with her and she asked where I was living and I said I live part time with Peter and part time at home. The poor thing was confused.

 

So I explained weeks with Peter and weekends at home. LOL.

[Stroon]

he dismissed it by saying "Sounds like something she would do."

 

haha, yeah classic. like if WE went around saying stuff about THEIR mum, i would assume we would get a slightly stronger reaction?!!!

 

By the way, when i said 'he (or she) wants' i meant what peter (or his mum) wants!

i did re-read it after and thought maybe it would be construed in that way LOL!

 

At least its not just your dirt she has a problem with, she's clearly a clean-freak, which if you're not (i'm deffo not!) it can be quite insulting!!

 

As he's a bit older than you, i assume his mum is older than yours?

Fingers crossed she'll peg it soon (aren't i wicked for saying that)

[Luna Tears]

He's 36.

 

The question is why hasn't he already addressed this problem in prior decades/years?

 

What is it within him that stops him from neutralizing his mother as a negative in his life?

 

 

e.g. some people deliberately live on other side of country from problem parent that won't respect boundaries etc.

 

 

Not sure hun, he is the youngest of three, and there is 6 years between him and the middle child. Just don't know.

[Luna Tears]

At least its not just your dirt she has a problem with, she's clearly a clean-freak, which if you're not (i'm deffo not!) it can be quite insulting!!

 

As he's a bit older than you, i assume his mum is older than yours?

Fingers crossed she'll peg it soon (aren't i wicked for saying that)

 

My parents are two/three years older then his parents lol, I was a surprise baby lol.

 

I'm not a clean freak either and I'm lazy yes. Although I do clean up when I have to, except I do the washing up and pull up the bed and do the shopping. Rest nah lazy lol.

 

That is what also ticks her off.

[Stroon]

i'm the same, pretty lazy and that used to annoy her ALOT.

 

i remember her telling me i should be doing all his ironing (even when i have none of my own to do!)

 

as we both worked full time, i insisted everything should be half and half, not some outdated the-woman-does-all-the-housework type BS.

 

luckily my husband is also lazy, i say luckily cos although the house is a tip at least he (or his mum) doesnt have a go at me about it!

[justforfun]

 

after about 6 years we got a washing machine and i told him he would have to get the key off her as i couldnt take her interfering anymore.

 

She was doing this for 6 years?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Some men make Mother the number one woman in their life, and Mother makes sure it stays that way with passive aggressive behaviors. A guy who is still doing this sort of thing in his mid thirties isn't likely to change. Sometimes they might make the break, but it is more traumatic for them than you may imagine.

[giotto]

Is his mother Italian? Because she really sounded like mine! Exactly what my mother would do! I had to leave my country to escape from my parents! Can I say something? He will never change and he will never upset his parents, unless you set up a specific plan to do this. It's been going too long and he has not the courage/strength/willpower to do that. He will never change a thing if you don't take control of the situation. How do I know? Because I've been there myself! I have managed to limit my parent's intrusion, but it required quite a lot of courage on my behalf. And I hurt them. You should have a serious conversation with your husband. He needs to set some boundaries and he has to stick to them. He is still stuck in a passive relationship with his mother, who still treats him like a baby. This will be one of the most difficult things he will have to do in his own life, but - for the sake of your relationship - he has to do it. Good luck!

Edited October 5, 2009 by giotto

[wife]

I was married to a man, with a mother far worse than this. She was a busybody in our lives, took control over everything. She was at our house every day hovering over me, questioning my "wife" skills, letting it be known she is important in his life. She went as far as to deccorate my house behind my back, call him crying every time I disagreed with her. She would start fights with me nonstop, and play victim afterwards for his sympathy. She told me what to cook for him, how she likes to do things and how I should do them her way. We had two children together, and yes, she took over my children as well. She did a mental flip where she percieved herself as Mrs. Dumass, mother of my kids and wife of my household. She made it a point to know our finances, and everything we did, and struck her oppinion on it. She got herself car seats, and litterally built a nursery in her house and called herself mommy to my kids. She told me I would never take her place in (now ex husband's) life and she was blessed to have him and I was unworthy to be in their family, not cut out financially to be his wife (I was a stay at home mom) and she was very passive agressive and rude towards me.

 

GUess what? He let her. Every time I put my foot down or "complain" about her, he'd pass it off as "I didn't hear momma say that" or, "you're overreacting" or "I was't there. I'm not going to play sides". She even stalked, yes stalked me and my children in public, at my home, and attempted to let herself into my home with her own key whenever she felt like it, because she just "happened to be in town" (wich was an hour from where she lived).

 

I put my foot down once and for all. I gave him an ultimatum. After years of trying to move further away, trying counseling...I told him it was me or her.

 

I think you can guess why we are divorced now.

 

Some mothers control their sons, and drive them into a point of fear. They will manipulate them their whole lives into thinking they NEED mommy, mommy is the only woman that will ever love them, mommy will be upset if they dissapoint mommy, mommy is in control and makes the decisions because for years she has "taught" them that they cannot do anything for themselves. It is mommy until the day mommy dies. It's sick, and it's sad. These mom's are busybodies, interveening and manipulating, controlling and emotionally abusive and they are scared of no one. No other woman is good enough for their son, they are number one and they will make darn sure it stays that way.

 

Marrying my ex made things worse, having a baby made it 1,000 times worse. Imagine another woman standing in front of you do play mommy, litterally. Imagine her talking over you, disrespecting you and overstepping you, and constantly questioning your parenting skills.

 

If you marry your boyfriend, you know exactly what you're getting into. YOur house will not be yours. You will share it with his mother...trust me. YOu may say, "Oh no she won't have a key", but yes, women like this they find a way, and she will have a key, and your boyfriend/husband will respect mommy and place her priority over you. He will avoid conflict with mommy at all costs. And if you do marry him, MOVE FAR FAR AWAY! Make sure there is no room for in-laws, and a good cheap hotel close by. Read the book "Toxic In-Laws"

 

When boyfriend's daddy passes away, the mother will have nowhere to go except her favorite son..the one that she made her life around, her one and only hobby, and only hope for happiness. Boyfriend will feel obligated to his mommy's happiness, he will feel it is his responsibility to make her happy... Just like now, but WORSE. yep.

[Stroon]

She was doing this for 6 years?

 

Yes. i can laugh about it now, but boy, did it used to get under my skin!

 

the best one was once my ex painted his front room blue walls with yellow skirting boards (yucky i know but hey, it was his flat)

anyway, she really didnt like it. he came home from work a few days later to find she had let herself in and had painted the skirting boards blue to match the walls. she didnt even live there!!!