brock9911 Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 i really hate feeling sorry for myself. i think of all i could have done. i think of how i could have changed. i think of a million ways to have changed the person i was or became...honestly i feel pathetic. i loved that person to death and to know it will never be again absolutly sux. my friends say its ok, ill be fine, but none of them has ever been in a relationship as long as mine. i miss her, i miss the conection, i miss the comfort. but apparantly i wasnt what she wanted......i feel lost and i really dont want a replacement. and what hurts the most is im killing myself.. i drink every night, i take multiple pills to sleep and i smoke to ease the pain....i feel like im losing everything. my life, my control, just being ME!!! im literaly on the brink of self destruction....and whats funny, its easy for me....i dont care for anyone but myself and her
SierraMarie Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I know exactly how you feel. I think everybody goes through this, but it will get better. I know you feel like you need drugs and alcohol but honestly you're only adding to the problem. I think you should stop and deal with your pain head on. Hey, the quicker you deal with it the quicker it will be gone right? You feel sorry for yourself and pathetic because you can't take control of your life right? Well, this is one thing you can take control of. I wish there was something more I could say to make you feel better but the truth is you're going to have to struggle through this. Unless you wake up one day and are miraculously over it, which hey is possible! But you will get through it. The best thing to do right now is stop hurting yourself and hating yourself. Be nice to yourself because you really need it right now and you deserve it. Everybody makes mistakes. Don't let this relationship define your life.
adamt Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I think you need to try to cut down on the drinking. You are only masking the pain rather than getting over it. You have to go through cold turkey and face the hurt head on and deal with it in a sober atmosphere. Drinking brings on depression. the drinking is only a temporary relief. Can you not take up hobbies or do other things to accupy your time rather than drinking. I worry that your wont heal and then drinking becomes your problem and your end up in a spiral out of control and alcohol takes over your life to replace the ex. you need a clear head to get over your ex
Kaya Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 If you hate feeling sorry for youself, then how about just trying to STOP feeling sorry for yourself! I understand how you're feeling, but you're not the only person going through this.. get a grip and stop letting someone else have so much power over you. You are not pathetic. You are not losing everything, you are still you, and you can control how you handle this. There are many other ways to ease the pain besides drinking.. healthier options that will get you through this - options that will make you a better person. Take this opportunity and turn it into something positive.
mickleb Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 i really hate feeling sorry for myself. i think of all i could have done. i think of how i could have changed. i think of a million ways to have changed the person i was or became...honestly i feel pathetic. i loved that person to death and to know it will never be again absolutly sux. my friends say its ok, ill be fine, but none of them has ever been in a relationship as long as mine. i miss her, i miss the conection, i miss the comfort. but apparantly i wasnt what she wanted......i feel lost and i really dont want a replacement. and what hurts the most is im killing myself.. i drink every night, i take multiple pills to sleep and i smoke to ease the pain....i feel like im losing everything. my life, my control, just being ME!!! im literaly on the brink of self destruction....and whats funny, its easy for me....i dont care for anyone but myself and her Sorry, honey, but you don't care for yourself. Don't kid yourself. You are not caring for yourself, at all. (I know you're gonna hate me BUT) if you can't / don't care for yourself, you CAN'T really care for anyone else. I'm not going to start singing 'The Greatest Love Of All' on here (don't worry) but you will be needing to REALLY take a look at why YOUR self-esteem is so low. Trust me, it's not because of her. She (granted) hasn't helped recently but your true belief / respect for yourself wasn't that together before you met her. (Even if it seemed that way.) Forgive if I'm wrong but haven't I read here that you have tried / are doing therapy? If it hasn't worked for you, you need to find a therapist that will. I know it's not cheap but, quite frankly, neither is alcohol. You could (I am NOT saying this is easy but you COULD) be looking to spending the cash you're spending on poisoning your liver / suppressing the darkness that will - one day - come back with a VENGEANCE, on the right therapist, who will help you to understand what really makes you happy. I'd start with the alcohol issue, as best possible, first though. (I'm not a leftover from the Temperance Society, honest but you've admitted looking for the solution through the bottom of your glass, is not productive.) In the meantime, you need to be reading and DOING ALL THE EXERCISES (there are a lot of them) in 'The Journey From Heartbreak to Connection' by Susan Anderson. I'd recommmend the book in place of a therapist (it IS that good) but I think you need someone looking out for you, at this time (quite honestly); someone to support you in taking your steps forward. The fact that you are here and are honest about what is happening is what, I know, will get you throught this. You are not in denial. Now that, really is, a killer. Please keep posting. And respond however you want to to this post. Just keep letting people know, keep the discourse up and you'll find the answers you need. Take care. x
UrKillinMeSmalls Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 (edited) I'm with mickleb, she was spot on. This situation sings of depression and/or low self esteem. It sounds like you might have layed your happiness on her shoulders, which drove her away. I know what it feels like to have someone place that responsibility on you, and when it's someone you love, it's even worse. It weighs on you, it brings you down over time- because it feels like you fail when they are still unhappy. At the time you don't see that it's not fair to you for them to ask that of you, nor is it possible to fix someone that can't fix themselves. You realise the problem isn't you, the problem is your significant other and their depression (you, in this case). I've also been on your end. You would do anything for her; but at the same time you won't do ANYTHING for yourself, which is completely contradictory. It takes two happy people to make a happy and successful relationship. What mickleb suggested is a great starting place for you. Edited October 3, 2009 by UrKillinMeSmalls
Author brock9911 Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 (edited) this is bad...i dont rememebr writing this. i see the time i did this, it had to have been after a long night out....oh well i guess u express how you feel when your f*cked up and i guess while im on the subject, i always suffered from anxiety and depression. and so did my ex. along with the low self esteem. she was really bad with her self esteem. i guess thats why we felt comfort in each other. i dunno. it hurts my head to try to figure anything out anymore. but unfortunately my health coverage was changed and i cant afford the medication...and im not about to pay or try to pay for it out of principle. ill find my own means of dealing with the anxiety and depression, i honestly dont care anymore. Edited October 3, 2009 by brock9911
contax Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 i really hate feeling sorry for myself. i think of all i could have done. i think of how i could have changed. i think of a million ways to have changed the person i was or became...honestly i feel pathetic. i loved that person to death and to know it will never be again absolutly sux. my friends say its ok, ill be fine, but none of them has ever been in a relationship as long as mine. i miss her, i miss the conection, i miss the comfort. but apparantly i wasnt what she wanted......i feel lost and i really dont want a replacement. and what hurts the most is im killing myself.. i drink every night, i take multiple pills to sleep and i smoke to ease the pain....i feel like im losing everything. my life, my control, just being ME!!! im literaly on the brink of self destruction....and whats funny, its easy for me....i dont care for anyone but myself and her I feel what you're saying Brock. You loved your girl and tried your best - so did I. I miss her, and don't know wether to be angry or loving, or show I'm still angry or keep being positive her knowing I'm doing well..when it's still challenging. Apparently you wern't what she wanted? That's exactly how I feel about mine. Try not to drink - alchohol is a deppresant drug... I feel overwhelmed as is - I keep my drinking to weekends - only every second weekend....tonight in my city is this big event...my friends are going drinking I want to bad...but I will not. The whole thing where you just care about yourself and her...that's how I feel too. I guess it's time now to care about ourselves the most. Try not to drink so much, please. You don't need that ****.
GrayClouds Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 this is bad...i dont rememebr writing this. i see the time i did this, it had to have been after a long night out....oh well i guess u express how you feel when your f*cked up and i guess while im on the subject, i always suffered from anxiety and depression. and so did my ex. along with the low self esteem. she was really bad with her self esteem. i guess thats why we felt comfort in each other. i dunno. it hurts my head to try to figure anything out anymore. but unfortunately my health coverage was changed and i cant afford the medication...and im not about to pay or try to pay for it out of principle. ill find my own means of dealing with the anxiety and depression, i honestly dont care anymore. you wont join AA out out of principle, you wont pay for meds out of principle, your principles are are really getting in your way of being healthy.
Author brock9911 Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 yeah i wont, im stubborn. i wont get the meds because i refuse to pay that amount...under any circumstances. and as for the drinking, it hasnt affected my job so im not going to worry about it. i met and got a few #'s this weekend by drinking and being in a bar....it seems to be the only way i open up and start conversations... what ever, i dont even think im gonna continue posting on this site, its to the point where it doesnt seem to help anymore. i'll learn on my own
GrayClouds Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 I am going to go out on a limb here... I suspect you project a really strong and independent image out to the world. An image that attract a certain kind of girl who is likely have commitment issues. When you get in a relationship and she find out your human with feelings, needs, wants and, sprisingly enough, a rather large desire for true deep intimacy. When your in relationship it is you and her against the world. Very cool. Though the downside is that this not what she expected or signed up for so she splits. It scares the hell out of her. So now understress you head back coping skills of showing strength and indendence. They always help you in the past. But now deep down inside somehting in you thinking maybe it is time to try something new, like showing the strengh being vulnerable and asking for help. Possible that is why you came to LS. It is a safe place to start. Possible it is time to take another step and do it less anomously. And possible as you get better at it, that type of woman who is attracted to the level of intimcy you value and can show vulnerablity will finally see that that in you and not be scared of by the other image. Or maybe I am completely confused, talking to myself, or just overthinking everything today. Good luck brock
Author brock9911 Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 Haha no your pretty right in a lot of ways. i do project and image of confidence and dominance. but the people i know and are around, are the kind of people who expect nothing less. its sort of like im constantly living up to something thats not there. like its not neccessary. i on the other hand also dont want to look like the vulnerable week one who will be taken advantage of. even though its seemed to happen many times in the past. i dunno. at this point its becoming pure frustration on trying to figure myself out, along with trying to live a normal life, it can be extremely difficult. especially someone like me who constantly doubts myself, is never happy with what i have, and is always trying to be or do better. my self image of my self is poor at best, and i even tend to have anxiety about myself, appearance, im not good enough. its a tough thought proccess to have. im in the mist of talking to my boss to improve my health care plan...i need to be back on my medication. its literally tearing me apart. i know for a fact that this non medication is screwing with my head and not letting me deal with things rationally. once i get back on i know i'll be better. but one of my other fears is the reaction a girl will get knowing that i am on medication...not that im crazy, but that does affect your image
mickleb Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 once i get back on i know i'll be better. but one of my other fears is the reaction a girl will get knowing that i am on medication...not that im crazy, but that does affect your image I used to think like this and now I don't give a sh*t. I went onto anti-depressants 7 years ago, then came off them, then got serious headaches, then got depressed again because of the headaches and am now on a low-dose of a different anti-depressant, as a neurological treatment. I have a history of serious depression on my mother's side of the family and schizophrenia on my dad's. It used to worry me, letting people know that information: there's a f*ckload of stigmatisation you have to overcome about out there. But, you know, there's also enough information about there for those who want it. If you meet someone who likes you and is worth the effort, all she has to do is Google your condition and maybe, ask you a few questions. If she's too 'frightened' to do that, she can jog on. It took me a lorra lorra years to get my life together and no f*cker's going to take it away from me! I'm massively proud of what I've achieved, despite the sh*t start in life, depression and daily pain. Or is do I mean BECAUSE of all of that? Start going after what YOU really want out of your life. Whittle it down until it's clear in your head and then do whatever you need to do to until you've 'made it' (whatever that phrase means to you). Then tell whoever you want to who you are and how you got there, any other ponce who can't walk a mile in your shoes to move along. You've got enough on your plate, at the moment. You don't need to burden yourself with other people's ignorance and prejudice, too. x
GrayClouds Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Haha no your pretty right in a lot of ways. i do project and image of confidence and dominance. but the people i know and are around, are the kind of people who expect nothing less. its sort of like im constantly living up to something thats not there. like its not neccessary. i on the other hand also dont want to look like the vulnerable week one who will be taken advantage of. even though its seemed to happen many times in the past. i dunno. at this point its becoming pure frustration on trying to figure myself out, along with trying to live a normal life, it can be extremely difficult. especially someone like me who constantly doubts myself, is never happy with what i have, and is always trying to be or do better. my self image of my self is poor at best, and i even tend to have anxiety about myself, appearance, im not good enough. its a tough thought proccess to have. im in the mist of talking to my boss to improve my health care plan...i need to be back on my medication. its literally tearing me apart. i know for a fact that this non medication is screwing with my head and not letting me deal with things rationally. once i get back on i know i'll be better. but one of my other fears is the reaction a girl will get knowing that i am on medication...not that im crazy, but that does affect your image Man your so much farther ahead then most. Real strength is allowing yourself to ask for help when it is needed. And if so chick rejects you because your on meds then F#CK her. If you were a diabetic and need insulin would that make you any less of a person. We are all f#cking crazy just some of us try to do something about it. One thing I found the more I am comfortable about being on meds the less other people seem to care, those who do care I dont have time for, those who don't they become real friends. This forum can be helpful: http://www.crazymeds.us/CrazyTalk/index.php? There can be no Peace, Joy or Contentment in your heart, if the things you say are different to the things you do.
Author brock9911 Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 jeez, your both right. i talked to my boss and he's gonna fix the health plan. i honestly need it. i literally had an anxiety attack when i was going to chill with this chick. all my mind was doing was racing. what if she doesnt like me, what if im not good enough yada yada, ect. ect. either way, it turned out to be a good night, but i really goes to show how insecure and anxious i am over stupid things. all i know was last night was a real big confidence boost for me, i just hope it holds up
fabulous_chk Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Hi Brock! I know from your previous posts that you are a pretty active person, so telling you to exercise would be ridiculous. Also, your social life is pretty active and you are not sitting at home waiting for her to come back. These are good things! I am not familiar with Anxiety Disorder and OC thoughts (although I did have panic attacks a few times) so I can't really comment on that, except keep on going until you find a "cure" for it. I can perceive though that you are feeling lonely, which is normal after being with your ex for sooo long! My suggestion is, and I'm pretty serious about this, is maybe acquire a dog. A pet may help get you rid some of the loneliness. Their affection is endless, and you taking care of another might take the focus on yourself and your problems. It's similar to women when they give birth. Suddenly the world revolves around the baby, and not on themselves. It changes their perspective, knowing that another's life is in their hands. A dog can sleep with you on the bed, keep you company when you go home, give you love and affection....make you relax, make you happy. I know my advice seems silly, but consider it. (((hugs)))
Author brock9911 Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 no advice is silly. any advice is good advice, its how i determine to use it. i do have a dog...its not mine its a family pet. and i know you gonna laugh, cuz i do but hes 10 and is alergic to grass, and has diabetes. hes worse than me haha. on top of it im alergic also, so i had to get with hair not fur. hes a west highland terrier. i love him to death, but being that he has hair not fur, and hes white, he gets sooooooo dirty so quick. but i might look into getting a dog of my own. and at this point my allergies dont bother me anymore, mainly because iv grown out of them and im on medication for allergies and asthma....god i sound like a dork haha anxiety, ocd and asthma, on top of that a bad stomach and insecure...im a real catch ladies...get me while im available haha. oh well thanks fabulous i will take that into consideration
fabulous_chk Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 You are a catch! You love intensely, deeply, loyally and truely! When the time is right, a very lucky girl will have you forever. You are however 26 years old. Very young for settling down. You will no doubt thank your ex for ending a toxic 8 year relationship in a few years' time. You were not learning and growing with her anymore, staying with her was not benefiting both of you. A long time was wasted already being tied with a person who is not making you the best version of yourself. Oh gosh, if I could go back in time I would have stayed single! I would have accomplished so much more. In my case it's 4 years. Make the best of your situation. This is the time for improvement and growth. Your future self, your future wife and kids will thank you. Trust me, you will look in time and see this as one of the turning points in your life. A break-up is life's reset button. A do-over. A renewal. Another chance at life. About the puppy, yes, it would be great to get one that you yourself nourished from the start. Your pet and nobody else's. I have a red-nosed pitbull. They do shed but it's not that bad.
Author brock9911 Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 fabulous....your words of encouragement are fabulous haha. i do think that this girl whos currently pursuing me has deffinitely boosted my confidence. it feels nice and at the moment im happy, which is a great feeling. you make a lot of good points and thanks for that. i like pit bulls, but i love boxers...unfortunately my parents wont allow me to get such a big dog...i dont know if they will let me get one period, but i will try. and it does suck though, everyone of my lady friends, which iv grown a lot since the break up, tell me im a great guy, im a devoted guy...to the relationship. i treat people well, i love to have fun and travel. i cant tell you how many of them say they wish they had a b/f like me....um y not me damn it haha. but iv learned to seperate my friends from feelings like that. it just sucks cuz i know i have a lot to offer in personality, i have a job/career and i have morals and goals in life, but unfortunately some girls like to date scum bags...and im just not that guy
fabulous_chk Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Unfortunately some girls like drama. They won't mature until several heartbreaks later lol! While dating, you will appreciate the difference between a 19 year old and a 29 year old. A 19 year old would only want the experience of having you. A 29 year old would have a different agenda haha. Don't worry, you'll find your match. In the meantime, work on your issues, so that when you meet her, you are ready for her.
Author brock9911 Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 yeah i understand. i was actually talking to a 21 year old a few months back. we hooked up, she than left for europe and emailed me every day saying she missed me...than doesnt talk for weeks, prob cuz she found a different guy. than she comes back and talks about how she loves sex. shes like im not a whore i just love sex.....im like with multiple people, no im pretty sure that classifies in the whore status...literaly a booty call for every occasion i cant even explain it. she was bad news. so i stopped talking to her. the girl im talking to now is my age, 26, so shes got more experience and has a lot better morals. if things get weird, im gonna call it off, i dont want to drag her through the drama im dealign with
adamt Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Do you think you are ready to date someone else if you still have such strong feelings for your ex?
Author brock9911 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 im not dating the girl, we're just hanging out. shes aware of my situation and shes even brought up that she thinks im not over her...if thats the case wouldnt she decide to run for the hills? i dont know, but all i know is this has been a nice change of feelings from the constant depression and dwelling over my ex.
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