JaggedRoad Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 (edited) The aftermath of my break-up leaves me with a very unsettling feeling. I feel bitter and resentful. My friends have told me to forget and forgive so I wouldn't become this way, but it's becoming increasingly difficult as the days go by. I trusted my ex to the best of my ability even when I knew there were a few skeletons in her closet. I think that's one of the reasons I am still so hurt by the break-up even though it has been nearly two months. I trusted her and she lied to me, and kept leading me on. I never felt so betrayed in my life. Having my mother tell her friend that I was not her son is trivial compared to this. How can I trust anyone after this? I'm not even sure if I can get into another relationship because I'm afraid of opening up and trusting someone again. I don't want to dwell on this, but it keeps coming back to me regardless of what I try to do. There's a part of me that actually wants to keep this misery going until I grow numb. I'm not sure when that'll happen. Edited October 3, 2009 by JaggedRoad
Kaya Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I feel bitter and resentful. My friends have told me to forget and forgive so I wouldn't become this way, but it's becoming increasingly difficult as the days go by. I never felt so betrayed in my life. I may be wrong, but I think you're going through the angry phase? Which is a good sign, it means you're starting to move forward and helps us to set our boundaries for the future. Allow yourself to feel angry, it's totally normal - but try not too hold onto it for too long.
Exit Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 You will be able to trust again some day, when you are ready. You've just got to accept that this one person hurt you and may have not been trust worthy, but that doesn't mean nobody can be trusted. If anything it will make you smarter and more vigilant for "Red flags" in your next relationship, but don't let it get to the point where you don't trust someone for no apparent reason. There are good people out there.
mickleb Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Having my mother tell her friend that I was not her son is trivial compared to this. I know how you feel. I've, honestly, never felt as betrayed by anyone in my life. However, we both have trust issues for reasons other than this one person. It is because we had these before we met our ex's that we feel so let down by them, in particular. Presumably, your ex knew of your trauma with your mother / unhappiness in childhood, to some degree? (Of course, I am jumping to a conclusion, using such a dramtic term but the line you included, here, in your original post suggests nothing less.) I, too, had / have a difficult relationship with my mother, yada, yada.. Our romantic partner takes on the role of our 'primary attachment' and, therefore, replaces (in adulthood) the relationship we had with our mothers, to some degree. If the maternal bond is damaged, somehow, we can unconsciously choose to place the kind of trust we (once) had in our mother, in our partner. (In fact, everyone does this, to some extent, by trusting another 'with their heart'.) When they, then, rather than take care of us, actually, BETRAY us, in some form or another, it is almost unbelievable. It is as though our mothers had rejected / denied / abused us, etc, all over again. Of course, this is not the case. And we have learned to deal with that earlier pain in many ways, as older children / adults. We have learned to look after oursleves, to trust OURSELVES. THIS is what you are looking for: the ability to trust yourself. To trust that you are whole by yourself, that no-one can destroy you, that you will be okay. When you remember that you will always be able to do this, you will be able to share yourself again. Exit and Kaya are both right. You are simply learning about reinforcing your boundaries. You are understanding which behaviour / treatment / traits of others are acceptable to you and which are not. The clearer these are in your mind, the more success you will have in your next relationship. Define these for yourself and maintain them. Strictly. Look after yourself as you would a vulnerable child. Defend yourself as fiercely. This does not mean tear a piece off the next person who unwittingly steps across one of your (to them, invisible) boundary lines. It means, calmly and confidently, communicate your expectations of them, so they know what you're about. If they, then, WITTINGLY cross the line, calmly and confidently move them back to a position (for you) of safety. Or, if this is all too tricky to do in the heat of the moment (which, realistically, it can be, sometimes) just remember the golden rule: only trust a potential partner on their actions, not on their words. Unfortunately, the latter are just too expendable. If it takes you, oo - I don't know - SIX YEARS to really trust the next person, then it takes six years. If you are looking for a partner to share your life with, six years is nothing. And if you look out for those 'red flags' vigilently enough, you should (hopefully) pick suitors that don't have too many issues of their own, which could speed this whole process up for you. Hope the above is accurate, not patronising (in any way) and useful. Take care and best wishes. x
Author JaggedRoad Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 (edited) No, it wasn't patronizing at all. Thank you for your insight. I never considered it being an issue of trusting myself, so it was enlightening. My trust issues have long existed before I met my ex and I'm certain that it played a factor in our relationship. She knew the incident with my mother, but not the rest of my childhood. I only wish I had discussed them with her before things ended. Edited October 3, 2009 by JaggedRoad
Nikki Sahagin Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I think its really interesting what was said about the romantic relationship replacing the maternal relationship. I think Freud speaks of this when he says something along the lines of, all children end up deeply disapointed by their parents because when children are babies, they are given EVERYTHING, and as they grow, the parent slowly withdraws and the child begins to learn to fend for itself. The child will always harbour some resentment that it could not remain in infantile paradise and helplessness forever...especially if a new baby comes along etc. We are all looking to replace the unconditional love of our parents with a romantic partner who will be there forever and love us always. When they disapoint us, the pain is IMMENSE. I'm in the same boat as you. My ex didn't cheat as such....but he became a very unstable figure; never had time for me/flirted with other girls online and so I began to not trust him anymore. I think one of the hardest things to deal with is loving someone but not trusting them. You just don't know what to do. Leaving them would break your heart but staying with them drives you slowly insane. It's very hard to trust. I am always suspicious. I am not trusting until they do something wrong. I am suspicious until they do something right. I am a bit of a challenge but I think the right man will appreciate this and do the work to proof himself to me...just as I will to him.
Lamak Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 One important aspect of life is failure, and being able to open your heart fully to someone is also a part of life as well. Makes sense that you can't see yourself opening up to someone any more after what happened, but are what are you gonna do instead? Become a bitter person who is not able to enjoy someone else's company? The same thing most likely happen again and again and again, but it's important to do it anyway. Hope I make sense.
splintered thing Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 How can I trust anyone after this? I'm not even sure if I can get into another relationship because I'm afraid of opening up and trusting someone again. It may not have been fun, but now you know you can survive trusting someone and being hurt...and keep going on. Sometimes you get hurt when you trust others...sooner or later any relationship is going to involve getting hurt. There really isn't any love that comes without at least occasional tears. But you can be willing to be hurt. Sometimes that's what it takes.
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