Looking for insight

[generic name]

I'm looking to gain some help on two sides. I think it might be beneficial to hear opinions from people who don't know the person involved or myself as it may lead to a more unbiased answer than what I've been hearing. This is going to be fairly detail oriented to paint a more accurate picture. I apologize ahead of time for the novel.

 

First, some background on myself. I'm a 26 yr. old college graduate. I own my own business and also work at a local gym part time. I've voluntarily been single for over 3 years now. Over the course of these past years I've been reluctant to see any women or really even go out on a date. Part of that is lack of interest. I haven't found anyone that has genuinely caught my interest outside of a physical/sexual nature, though I haven't been looking either. I'm pretty shallow, I'm not going to lie. The other part, I'm adamantly invested in myself between work, running, martial arts, and fitness.

 

Well about 8 months ago all of that changed. I had officially introduced myself to a woman who is a member at the gym I work at. I had seen her before when I've worked the front desk to greet members. She caught my eye in the past but I never had taken the initiative to speak to her until then. She was running on a treadmill and we got going on small talk about running and road races around town, and then eventually just what we do with our lives. I was shocked to find out that she was 29, she definitely looks younger and I look younger than my age as well. She's going to school full-time and majoring in dietetics and nutrition.

 

Some small amount of time passed and we would talk more and more whenever we saw each other and eventually started running together. It didn't take long for me to realize "Wow, I really like this person." After all, I enjoyed talking with her and learning more about her, and was really taken by the fact that she is as devoted to physical fitness as I am.

 

For simplicity, I'll refer to her as "Elly".

 

Eventually I got the nerve to ask Elly to go out sometime, but I always maintained a more friendly approach rather than that of some guy just looking for whatever else. Initially she was a little stand-offish but from a standpoint that she's a bookworm. She's one of the best GPA holders at the university here with a 3.98. So it goes without saying that she studies a lot. Aside from that, a lot of her reluctance stemmed from health problems she had, which over several months she let me in on. She's a recovered anorexic but had a backlash of health related issues because of it that she was having to deal with. I suppose, from a woman's standpoint that may have made her feel less attractive or something I would be turned off by. I always imparted to her that she could tell me about it more when she felt comfortable and it had no bearing on what I thought of her, which was entirely true.

 

Fast forward a few months up to August. Things pretty much remained the same, once every week or two I'd try to make plans with her but they'd always end up falling through, usually with school as the reason. She took 14 credit hours for the summer semester so I knew she was pretty strapped. Keep in mind Elly generally wakes up at 4a.m., gets to the gym by 4:30a.m., and goes to sleep around 8p.m. So her days were pretty much limited to studying and homework. Even the same during normal fall & spring semesters. Sometime right around the beginning of August, two good friends of mine, bride & groom to be had sent me a wedding invitation. I asked her if she'd like to go with me, as a friend. She never hesitated and reassured me that she'd make sure nothing would collide with that. That wedding happens to be tomorrow.

 

She finished up her last summer class in August, and had planned to return to her parents, out of state for a few weeks to visit them and see her sister. I really did miss her those two weeks she was gone. She returned and brought me back a box of gourmet cookies from a small shop in her hometown. Definitely not in my diet, but I enjoyed them none the less and gave her a thank you card, just stating that I was glad she was back. Her sister had also driven back with her to see the city and spend a few extra days with her. We tried to make plans after they returned, partly because I really wanted to meet her sister. Plans fell through and her sister had to leave just a couple of days later.

 

To interject this thought before I forget. The vast majority of our communication was spent through facebook e-mail. The rest was at the gym and extremely rarely over the phone. She knew I had become pretty crazy about her but I still always tried to maintain a position of just being her friend. I knew she was a bit stand-offish about being more, with anyone. On the note about e-mail, I reluctantly would always reply back to hers, even though I hate that medium of communicating with someone. I'm a people person and much rather hear someone's voice than read their text. Some of the things she had written leading up to our date was about how much more comfortable she felt around me and that we would see where things lead. Anyway...

 

The following weekend we finally cemented plans of our own to hang out. For the first time outside of the gym. I was pretty anxious about it and it was decided that instead of going out, we'd just make dinner at her house. So I pick her up and we head to the store to get groceries. Return, make dinner, had a few beers / glasses of wine and then spent the rest of the evening just talking. No TV, no movies. Just enjoyed each others company. We spoke about anything but not regarding us nor anything deep or meaningful. There was no pressure from either of us to talk about that stuff. Well I needed to get home and both of us were getting tired. We parted ways. I wanted to "go in for the kill" but I didn't. I thought it would be more respectful and demonstrate that I was okay and patient with taking things slow.

 

A few days pass and I receive a short e-mail from her saying that she thought my "romantic" feelings for her were much stronger than hers were for me. She knew how I had come to feel for her, but I believe she amplified things I had said. She also said she didn't think it'd be a good idea to go to the wedding with me and that she thought it'd be better to keep our relationship limited to just the gym.

 

I was completely shocked about all of this. This wasn't from left field, it was from outside the park. Not only stunned, I was also pretty hurt by it. More so about keeping our friendship limited to the gym.

 

I replied with nothing but confusion, and never got a clear answer. I dwelled on it quite a bit until it formed some resentment. I had replied again stating that conditionalizing our friendship is no kind of friendship at all, it's abuse and manipulation. I was a little mad about her cancelling on the wedding with me, but didn't even mention that.

 

I received no reply from that. We had seen each other in the gym and there was nothing but tension. I didn't approach her and she didn't approach me. She left town for the weekend to return home for a friends wedding. I had a short 5k race the same day she returned. With all of this on my mind, I didn't even feel like running and didn't do as well as I should have. I saw her later that day in the gym after she got back in town.

 

I got the nerve to talk to her about things and she had said a few things along the lines of: she didn't feel as strongly for me and she wasn't sure why I was hanging onto her, that my "passion" or feelings would be better spent on someone else, etc. My objection was simple. I like everything about her, she's intelligent, great personality, funny, beautiful, and we share common interest. I didn't and don't feel that it takes much more than that for feelings to grow for someone. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy. I also said that I'm holding out because maybe one day she'd feel differently, and that if her feelings were on the exact same page as mine, things probably wouldn't ever work out for very long. I wanted to build upon our friendship and I was willing to take things slow.

 

I thought she understood what I was saying and we left it at that. A few nights later at the bars downtown, I saw my friend (bride to be of this wedding coming up) and she asked if I was still going to come. I was reluctant to say yes, since I had already returned the suit I bought. She caught my hesitation but I didn't tell her why. I approached Elly about it and told her the situation just to see if she'd reconsider. She didn't flat out say no, just said she didn't think it'd be a good idea given what's been said.

 

Speeding up to her birthday last week. And a bit of background. Elly is a coffee nut. She owns 5 coffee makers now, the newest edition being a sum $200 one. Months ago she made a joking comment how she'd love to have a silver spoon from Tiffany's with her name engraved on it, to stir her coffee with. Keep in mind she is not a materialistic person, definitely not a gold digger. For her birthday, I ended up ordering her a Tiffany's sterling silver spoon and took it to a place to have her name engraved on it. She probably didn't even remember telling me about that. I just thought it was something nice and thoughtful for her birthday.

 

So on the day of, I dropped the gift off at her house before she got home from night class. She called me right away and was completely shocked that I got her something like that, went on about how beautiful it was and so forth. The next day.. sure enough I get an e-mail.

 

The e-mail was short and said that she didn't want to accept the gift because she felt it was beyond our relationship, that it should have been for someone who can reciprocate similar feelings, that she's casually (and loosely) seeing someone else and that she was going to give it back to me the next day at the gym.

 

I responded, incredibly hurt but cordial that I wouldn't accept it back. I used a bluff saying that I figured she had someone else on the side and that whoever is, isn't half the man I am at heart, that I wish she had been straight about everything with me the beginning.

 

Whatever I had to say apparently struck a note, she became very defensive and almost hostile. Bringing up the money spent on her gift, that she doesn't owe me any details if she's seeing someone or not, that she has always been straight with me, that she tried to be nice with me but because I "wasn't getting it" it was forcing her to be a bitch (her own words) that she wasn't interested in me nor would she ever be, that she was ending our friendship as well, not to e-mail her again or talk to her, and still was going to return the spoon to me.

 

My response was rather assholish, but there was no name calling. I asked her to re-read her e-mails and recall things she had said and things we had talked about in person, and then ask herself if they didn't send mixed signals or didn't illicit that there was potential for more than friendship. I made it clear that I didn't care about the money sent on her gift, I don't even know why she brought that up. I only wanted to get her something nice for her birthday, especially since she has virtually no friends and no family here. That she didn't owe me details, but given that she knew how I felt, it becomes common courtesy to be honest with someone rather than cutting them some bull****. And left it off with her being delusional and that she didn't have anything to fear because she wasn't going to hear from me again.

 

In hindsight, I'm still pissed off about it, for several reasons. I said most of those things in anger and that's regretful, but they were true. I was fairly hurt that she'd return my gift, especially one that was personalized. I didn't attach any level of emotions to it. You don't give a gift back to someone, that's faux paux. I was also pissed because literally everything she had said to me up until things got a little rocky after our only (lol) date, they were counter to what she was saying now. I was also pissed that she'd mention some other guy, but in all honesty I don't think there really is another guy. I think it's made up and that's an excuse on her part.

 

After all this was said, I immediately deleted & blocked her from facebook. Even if she wanted to respond, she couldn't other than in person. I know that was pretty childish on my part. I think this whole situation has become childish. It's as if we both said things to hurt each other.

 

She never did return the spoon. I might be looking into that too much, but I can't help wonder if that means something.

 

This all was said last week between us, and I've seen her several times since when I've been at work. Initially I had absolutely no intention of talking to her again, anger consumed me. But as the last few days have gone by, I'm getting soft or something. There's been this thick tension in the air whenever we've seen each other. No words have been spoken, no observation to each other's presence other than short cold glares and scowls on either of our faces.

 

Already, I hate this overwhelmingly silent animosity between us. I can't take it and it breaks my heart. Every night since then has been rather sleepless. I haven't even had any desire to work out or run. I know that I want to confront her, but I don't know if I should. I know exactly what I would say if I did. Should I talk to her asap and try to reconcile or should I give it more time. I'm not sure.

 

Elly is very introverted, timid, and otherwise a nervous / self-conscious person. So even if she had been thinking of doing the same, I don't think she ever would.

 

At the same time, I'm afraid that if I'm the first one to break this silence she'd perceive me as weak.

 

I really thought that she'd have her **** together given that she's older. I wasn't looking to get involved with someone, and I'm resolute in the feeling that I could live the rest of my life happily single, but if I found someone that I'd do something ridiculously crazy for, more than likely I'd want to see things progress into a lasting fulfilling relationship. I'm certainly not getting younger, and I don't think it gets any easier as time goes by.

 

I've never been like this before and I certainly haven't ever put in this much effort. It kills me to watch it fade. Granted this is the most ridiculous friendship/relationship I've ever had with someone, communicating primarily at a specific place or through e-mail, but hell, I know what I feel is real.

 

I appreciate any real advice that can be shared. What would you do if you were me? How would you re-act if you were her?

 

Sorry for the novel. This has been the only thing on my mind. Phew.

Edited October 2, 2009 by generic name

[Phedre]

Generic,

 

Sucks to have finally found someone who sparks your interest and then not have it work out. Try not to go back in to that 'all I need it work and working out' mentality. Perhaps this 'relationship' with Elly was your subconcious telling you to wake up and take better notice of the opposite sex because you are ready to find someone special. And clearly, Elly wasn't that person.

 

Not to be mean, but it sounds like you went a little psycho... but not because YOU are psycho, but IMO you have been out of the dating world for too long/I think if you are honest you will admit part of this is that you find it hard to believe that a woman would reject you/you are very sensetive to Elly because since she was the first woman you had interest in in so long it amplified your feelings for her/you are most likely are bit of a control freak (based upon all you have accomplished at a young age and your choice to be single and dedicate time to your work and fitness) and as such it freaks you out when someone doesn't act like you wanted them to/thought they would. I think all these reasons led to you taking things Elly said (and mind you, she is responsible for the things she said/wrote. No she didn't owe you a magical relationship, but she also shouldn't have led you on. I find it hard to believe she didn't know sooner than when she admitted it that she didn't feel romantic about you) and sorta adding meaning to them.

 

Your heart wants to love someone and be loved in return and it casued you to react strangly and out of your norm with the first girl you dated. Don't get jadded... get another date