seriouslypissed Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 I've been dating this man for almost two years. We are engaged and live together currently. I've always had a suspicious feeling (women's intuition?) that he may have used escorts and visited massage parlors in the past - he just knew too much and talked too much about them. So, I snooped in his email and I'm glad I did. I found that he had registered with a local escort's web site just TWO WEEKS AGO. With that information, I decided to do a little detective work. I found that he is a member of several online escort review sites and has posted several times and PMed with some of the "ladies" there. He never did any reviews that I saw but he made plenty of references to how this one or that one was "a cutie" or "a real sweetheart." I know one of his passwords, which is how I logged in to the sites - and I found that he is also a member of an "escort screening service" for "hobbyists." I wasn't able to log in to that one, however... I am completely sickened. From what I can tell, all of this activity took place before we started dating, although there are a couple of private messages between him and some escorts that occurred right after we got together. So here is what I've done so far. I logged in to the various accounts, took screenshots of every damning piece of evidence I found and I am saving them up to print out and assemble into a binder, which I plan on presenting to him sometime. We are planning our wedding right now and I honestly don't want to be married to a "man" like that. I especially don't want the father of my child(ren) to be a "hobbyist." He swore to me before we got engaged that he had never EVER used escorts/prostitutes but did admit a fling with a stripper. That was long ago and, even though it bothered me, I can deal with it. I have joined some of these web sites myself to a) see if he has any activity since I found out he joined the escort site two weeks ago; b) do more research on how these types of things work; and c) perhaps to see about a fake threesome, where I invite and escort I know he has been with to meet us in a hotel (of course I won't tell him this is what's happening) and just sit back and let it all unfold. I'm going to see a counselor about this very soon. I am completely devastated. He has put me at risk for disease and shattered my entire view of him as a person. If anyone has any similar experiences or advice, please feel free to lay it on me. Love stinks, seriouslypissed
loveslife Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Is there any reason you need to plot this out so much? Are you not free to leave? You know the truth and so does he. If this is a dealbreaker for you then get yourself out of there so you can move on with your life. Counseling is definitely a good idea.
Lizzie60 Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 You will see a counsellor for what? because you're leaving him.. or just because you need to deal with it..
Author seriouslypissed Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 I just found all of this out two days ago and I've been finding more and more stuff. Right now I'm just trying to deal. I can't just leave right now because of financial problems. Sounds like a cop-out I know. I don't know why I'm plotting so much; it's just that he presents himself as "one of the good guys" when he so clearly is NOT. And this happened to me before. Ex-husband. I really thought my fiance was my best friend in the whole world. I trusted him completely. I feel like I need to talk to a counselor to sort out my feelings. I think an unbiased opinion might put things in perspective, as I have none right now... I'm just so confused and hurt right now.
LakesideDream Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 You are engaged "planning a wedding"... why not just stop planning. Put the wedding on hold until this situaton is resolved. You have already posted that you don't want the father of your children to be a "hobbyist", so make sure that doesen't happen. I'm not sure it's fair to hold what happened before you met against him. I am sure that it wasn't right for him to lie to you. There are questions people shouldn't ask though. Answer a question for me if you think it's appropriate. Is there any possiblity of forgiving him? If not all your detective work, and scrapbook making is just for revenge. Believe me, when you spring it all on him it will take him about 5 seconds to tune out and begin his own moving on process. You will have gained nothing for your efforts, even revenge will be out of reach. The only sure revenge is to be together and utterly miserable for a decade or two.
clv0116 Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 I've been dating this man for almost two years. We are engaged and live together currently. So you're free to bail at any moment. I've always had a suspicious feeling ... that he may have used escorts and visited massage parlors in the past .... So, I snooped in his email .... From what I can tell, all of this activity took place before we started dating So he probably used escorts before you were dating. Is that a deal breaker? So here is what I've done so far. I logged in to the various accounts, took screenshots of every damning piece of evidence I found and I am saving them up to print out and assemble into a binder, which I plan on presenting to him sometime. Why? You're free to leave if you wish, why go to all this work? He swore to me before we got engaged that he had never EVER used escorts/prostitutes but did admit a fling with a stripper. That was long ago and, even though it bothered me, I can deal with it. So you've moved out, right? I have joined some of these web sites myself to a) see if he has any activity since I found out he joined the escort site two weeks ago; b) do more research on how these types of things work; and c) perhaps to see about a fake threesome, where I invite and escort I know he has been with to meet us in a hotel (of course I won't tell him this is what's happening) and just sit back and let it all unfold. That's pretty sick. Why make such a production of it? Are you just looking to milk the most drama possible out of this? Honestly, the lying is an issue, the rest might or might not be, that's up to you. But I will tell you with 95% certainty why he lied and why it's a bad idea for you two to stay together. You have fundamental differences in values and there are probably things in his life, past and potentially present, that he knows he cannot be truthful with you about. Thus, he will lie to protect the relationship. Misguided, probably, but that's what this is. Once the first lie comes out, it breeds a new, bigger lie, and some new baby lies, and so on. Pretty soon there is this thing between the two of you, where he's had to conceal part of himself from you to maintain your approval. The closeness is gone from the relationship. He feels like he can't confide in you, you feel like he's keeping secrets. If you cannot accept him and his past, you need to get out. The rest of the elaborate stuff you're dreaming up is just relationship masturbation.
Author seriouslypissed Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 I don't know if I can forgive him. I know all the scheming is sick. That is one of the reasons I need to get counseling. The only thing I've done so far is saved the images on my computer. I most likely won't go through with the other weird ideas. I'm just so MAD. I have not moved out. I'm just pretending everything is normal right now until I figure out how I'm going to talk to him about this. If it happened prior to our relationship, that is one thing (still don't know if I can handle it) but if it is ongoing, then it's a definite deal breaker. Yes, we evidently have very different values about this subject. The lying hurts and knowing that he is the type of person who pays for anonymous sex with 20 year olds doesn't feel very good either. Thanks everyone for your input. I'll let you know what happens... Ugh.
MSUE Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Hi SP welcome to LS First and foremost you must get yourself tested for any STD's...I I can't imagine what its like to be in your shoes right now for God's sake you are planning a wedding...my suggestion...stop the planning immediately ...you need to get to the bottom of this first... what do the PM's consist of? what exactly has been going down? for how long? how many escorts involved? are they all female? I'm sure you have hundreds of ?s going trough your head... I think going forward w this wedding wout getting to the bottom of it will be the biggest mistake of your life
Author seriouslypissed Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 They all are female, at least the ones I know about. I'm 99.99999% positive he is not into men. And yes, I'm going to get tested next week. I know I need to confront him but I really feel like I want to talk to a counselor first. I'm having crazy anxiety and haven't really been sleeping or eating the past two days. Thanks for the kind words.
Author seriouslypissed Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 "what do the PM's consist of? what exactly has been going down? for how long? how many escorts involved? are they all female? I'm sure you have hundreds of ?s going trough your head..." Lots of inquiring about certain "providers" (hookers) and asking for suggestions about "indys" (hookers that don't work for agencies) and where to go in other cities. Stuff like that.
Thornton Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 How dreadful for you I second what has already been said about getting tested for STDs. It's very clear that this man is untrustworthy and has lied to you, as well as possibly cheating on you. I would also question the character of a man who uses escorts/prostitutes, and I certainly wouldn't want to marry him either. I really feel for you, because you genuinely thought he was a good guy and he has turned out to be exactly the opposite. I understand that you probably want to hurt him like he's hurt you, so that's why you're planning these big confrontations, by printing out a folder of evidence or confronting him with a hooker... but honestly, if he's such a louse it won't even make a dent in him. The best thing you can do is just to let him know he's been found out and walk away - save yourself the hassle and the heartache of confronting him and just let it go - maintain your dignity and walk away. You walking away and simply ignoring him, going NC, will hurt him more than any confrontation you could dream up, because it'll hit him where it hurts - his pride. I hope you find counselling helpful in getting over this and can eventually move on with a decent guy who deserves you [[[hug]]]
clv0116 Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 If it happened prior to our relationship, that is one thing (still don't know if I can handle it) but if it is ongoing, then it's a definite deal breaker. Yes, we evidently have very different values about this subject. The lying hurts and knowing that he is the type of person who pays for anonymous sex with 20 year olds doesn't feel very good either. It's interesting that the age matters. If he was paying for sex with 40 year olds would you feel better about it? I've dated church girls, strippers, porn girls, webcam girls, and ex-hookers. For me, they're all just people and each person has their own individual story. Maybe you should think about the human faces behind the stereotypes you're seeing. If you're upset about the illegality or other aspects of this then it's a different thing, but if it's "ewwww, he boinked a ______" then maybe you should think about the fact that webcam girls (or whatever) are people too. As for the STD thing, if it all happened before you were dating, I don't see the issue.
MSUE Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Lots of inquiring about certain "providers" (hookers) and asking for suggestions about "indys" (hookers that don't work for agencies) and where to go in other cities. Stuff like that. you know I think waiting to see your therapist is a great idea...this way you will know how to better approach the topic...I was trying to give it the benefit of the doubt thinking oh maybe its just fantasies and he just chats online nothing else9 which BTW its still not ok in my book) but asking where and indies and whatnot pretty much all points out that he has been fu@king around town
Trialbyfire Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 You've received some good advice about bouncing him to the curb. Be very, very thankful that you've found this out previous to getting married and having kids. Imagine how trapped you would be. For that matter, this is something to consider. Right now, you're reliant on him financially. It's time to start focusing your energy towards getting self-sufficient, so that in future, you'll never be trapped in this kind of situation again.
Recommended Posts