jj33 Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 (edited) Well I told his colleagues. So there is no more secrecy. Hopefully now he will leave me alone. Colleagues did not sound surprised I think they knew. I didnt go into detail just made it clear there was a past there in the distant past and I didnt want anything to do with him. Am trying not to be embarrassed but I think its for the best. He has an excuse for everything and always makes it sound like I am being hysterical. Basically I was being gaslighted in business. Or maybe the more appropriate term is he was gaslighting them (she is making a mountain out of a molehill). He has not said a word to me about it just more excuses for every little thing. Im hoping he will just leave me alone now. I dont know WHAT else I can do. PS And for those who wonder why I didnt tell his W, she knows doesnt care and would laugh in my face if I dared to bother her with my problems with him. More likely she would suggest that i was mistaken and I was reading into it what I wanted to (shes a piece of work) If he ONCE admitted to me that he was having a hard time dealing with this, I wouldnt be so harsh about it. But to be told you have a problem if you are still hanging onto the past, this is just business, while he is doing things that are not just business is not right. If its just business and you cant behave properly in business, then I wont do business with you. But I couldnt enforce that until I got tough with his colleagues and made it their problem too (remind them that my unhappiness could hit them in the wallet). What a nightmare! Edited October 2, 2009 by jj33
OWoman Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Sometimes, JJ, to be professional you need to drop the professional mask and connect as people. Your telling his colleagues makes you no less professional - but it does treat them with the respect of knowing the situation, rather than second-guessing. I hope that, with them onside, you'll have an easier time of it now. (((hugs)))
freestyle Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Good for you JJ!!! I've followed your story for a few months now, and maybe this will finally tip the balance in your favor. I recall he was making problems for you professionally, as far as being uncooperative, and second guessing your decisions. That was bad enough, but for him to try to damage your reputation professionally?!?!? Waaaaaaaay below the belt, time for the gloves to come off........................ Maybe now you can finally enjoy some peace of mind.
MistyK Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Wow jj. I hope things improve for you. Sorry to hear that he's still being a child. Good for you for standing up for yourself.
Author jj33 Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 Thanks guys. I hope so. I know he doesnt mean any harm in this last saga, but its just gotten to a point where I cant entertain it anymore. And I cant hold it all on my shoulders. Enough is enough. And all these years later, I shouldnt still be dealing with it. I wonder if maybe I am being too sensitive but ?? I dont think so. I think he means well and he is out of his depth and drowning in the river of denial. But that is not my problem anymore. It cant be. There was a part of me that felt really sad about it and protective of him. I spoke to him about something afterwards and his voice sounded so small and vulnerable. But I had to remain tough and cold and professoinal. Hes married. hes obviously keeping the status quo. Things have to change. And why in my presence when for several years he made almost no mention of his family does he have to mention them 5x over the course of a 1.5 hour meeting (his family had nothing to do with the topics under consideration). I didnt mention that to his colleagues I cant complain about that. But it didnt help.
Author jj33 Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 Why am I feeling so badly about this. I think I did the right thing. But it really pains me. Part of me feels like I did the right thing, the other part of me feels like I betrayed him and embarrassed him in front of his peers which was really wrong. I hate this.
sadintexas Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Why am I feeling so badly about this. I think I did the right thing. But it really pains me. Part of me feels like I did the right thing, the other part of me feels like I betrayed him and embarrassed him in front of his peers which was really wrong. I hate this. Because you have a conscious and don't want to hurt him. But you have to protect yourself. It isn't as if you went and told to be vindictive. You're protecting your own interests. I recall that you had to keep contact with him because he was important to your work. If he's jeapordizing that work now, you have to take a stand. I'm glad you did this. He can't continue to manipulate you and other people whenever he chooses to. You did the right thing.
jwi71 Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Why am I feeling so badly about this. I think I did the right thing. But it really pains me. Part of me feels like I did the right thing, the other part of me feels like I betrayed him and embarrassed him in front of his peers which was really wrong. I hate this. STOP. Stop second guessing yourself. Stop thinking "what if". It is done. Its out. You CANNOT undo it. Just as you cannot control the thoughts, actions, reactions or responses to this. You know this. And since you can ONLY control yourself...STOP. Stop the worry, stop the "what ifs"...they do nothing but make you miserable. When you should be happy and free. So...let it go. Enjoy the freedom. You don't quite realize it yet...but you are now free. Oh...you may understand it in your head but you aren't feeling the "freedom" in your heart or your life. Yet. Trust me on this one. 30 days from now...you will look back and think "How the hell did I live under that weight for so long"...now go buy a nice pair of Ferrgamos to firmly place in his azz Monday morning. I suggest something with a pointy toe.
Author jj33 Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 Thanks. I know you are all right. JW yesterday I felt SO free. Somehow today I felt worse but that is to be expected i guess. Luckly I wont see him live and in person again for awhile now (we only run see each other in person a few times a year now). And they cant have been surpised I mean noone is that dense. They had to know on some level. I always assumed that they did from certain things that they used to say to me but I always acted as if I had intimate knowledge of his schedule and whereabout because we were BFF (as teenagers say) in business. It was a huge weight. And it felt like there was nowhere to turn. And I also felt like they were complicit to some degree because they could have done something before when they knew there were issues between us. This hands off attitude - fight your own battles doesnt make sense if it could cost them money. The whole thing is just exhausting. But I think they are taking my unhappiness seriously now.
Author jj33 Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 Well I was wrong. Nothing has changed AT ALL. I am so frustrated. There is noone to tell. Noone can control him apparently. Ive been in floods of tears of frustration. I dont know what to do with myself.
Devil Inside Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 JJ..you are feeling bad because you are doing things different between the two of you for once...you are putting yourself first. However, looking at your last post this guy may have a serious problem. Why does he allow his emotions to dictate his behavior. Man, what did you do to that boy. I'm sorry you are so frustrated and feeling powerless. Maybe we can help you brainstorm again. What exacly is he doing still? There have to be some changes? The other thing is...he only looked like a fool to you before, now he is going to look like a fool in front of his colleagues. He will only have himself to blame for destroying his career if he keeps this up. Hang in there.
2sunny Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Well I was wrong. Nothing has changed AT ALL. I am so frustrated. There is noone to tell. Noone can control him apparently. Ive been in floods of tears of frustration. I dont know what to do with myself. do NOT react to his chaos! this is a huge message to him that you are unwilling to participate in any area of his life except absolute business interactions. and keep it cool and impersonal. IF he approaches with anything other than info regarding business simply answer with a simple hmmmm. every answer: hmmmmmm hmmmmmm hmmmmmm hmmmmmm it is simply not answering... he will eventually stop when he frustrates himself enugh by not getting any reaction out of you! it works, believe me... it works beautifully! try it!
Author jj33 Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 Thanks Devil and Sunny. He refuses to see that there is a problem, when I said well you may think its OK but I think its a problem, he came right out and said if I dont deal with him I wont have any business from them because he gets the business (now that they have loads from me) and he will have no choice but to mention other people instead of me if I dont want to speak to him. His associates assured me that I could deal with them and there would be no ramifications and that he would no longer be involved with my customers. Well he has continued to be TOTALLY involved with my customers. Must have sent 6 emails today. So hes not mentioning anything personal (other than to refer to my business as something he didnt realize worked on a shoestring and was more smoke and mirrors than he imagined) that made me cry. He was telling me I needed to do all sorts of things that would cut my profits by 1/3 (and then I would be living on a shoestring) or else people were at risk if they dealt with me... And I cried more. God I hope he doesnt read this stuff or he will know this is me. Im a sad pathetic mess. And they are minted because of me. And there is NOTHING i can do about it. What can i do. Tell my customers I recommended this vendor and they are doing a great job for you but they are driving me over the edge so lplease switch to someone who is doesnt really meet your needs? (very small niche they are in and noone else has been willing to invest the R&D to enter that small niche as its so small)
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