loveslife Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 This is someone I know - The BS found out about an affair. The guy was able to convince her that it never happened. Do you think he will change his ways? Do you think it will come back and haunt her? Like she will still know somehow. I'm wondering about this after reading the thread about whether or not you need proof (great thread, BTW). Even if he convinces her it's not true and makes an effort to be nice to her for a little while, how much can any of that stick. Ya know?
Author loveslife Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 Thanks sadintexas. That's kind of what I figured. She wasn't looking at the facts but it will probably eat at her. With him, I suspect that he will now respect her less for being so "dumb" as to believe him.
skylarblue Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 My MM’s W has confronted him several times out of suspicion and each time he has convinced her she was wrong. Even after she accidentally found “evidence” and threatened him for 2wks with divorce, he managed to convince her he was faithful. He never once stopped seeing me during or after these confrontations. I doubt a guy would stop seeing the OW if he persuades his W she doesn’t exist. In my case, the MM would just be more careful about whatever triggered the suspicions. Now he seems a lot more confident that he can put her at ease since it's been happening so long. I would imagine a W would be inclined to trust her H if he tells her he is faithful at first. I mean isn’t trust a huge part of M. But it’s said that the majority of W that suspect the H is cheating are usually correct. Still, no one wants to believe that their H or W is having an A, so it’s easier to believe you could be wrong unless you’re forced to believe it with “concrete proof”. However, the longer the W denies the A is happening, the longer she allows feelings to develop between the MM and OW.
Fallen Angel Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 This is someone I know - The BS found out about an affair. The guy was able to convince her that it never happened. Do you think he will change his ways? Do you think it will come back and haunt her? Like she will still know somehow. I'm wondering about this after reading the thread about whether or not you need proof (great thread, BTW). Even if he convinces her it's not true and makes an effort to be nice to her for a little while, how much can any of that stick. Ya know? I think he probably only THINKS he convinced her it never happened. But now she is aware and will be watching even more closely for signs, and will almost certainly find them. When I was BS, I always had a "gut feeling" when my now xH was starting a new affair. I would bide my time, and gather evidence, and allow him to think I didn't suspect anything, or when he would do something that made the affair blatanly obvious, I would pretend to allow him to convince me it wasn't happening. She may be doing the same thing. Why would anyone do that? Cause they are getting some kind of payoff for it! For me the payoff was if I pretended not to know, I didn't have to admit to everyone how weak I was that I still wanted my marriage with a man who was obviously a serial cheater. Instead of people looking at me and thinking "wow, she is stupid and weak for trying so hard with a man who obviously doesn't love her and will never put her first, when she should just leave." , they looked at me and thought "wow, he is such an a$$, and she is trying so hard to be a great wife, and she obviously loves him and just doesn't know." He got their anger, I got their pity. People outside our marriage would confront him, ie friends and family. And so I wouldn't have to. I could play the role of martyr, and he was seen by everyone as the complete pr*ck he really was. I guess part of me thought that other people could shame him into changing his ways because nothing I had tried ever worked. I should have walked away, but at that time I honestly felt it was my duty to save my marriage at all costs. If this is what is happening, eventually it will become too much for her. But the end will come in her own time, not on his schedule. As to him changing his ways, I doubt it. He thinks he has gotten away with it. He has no motivation to change. There were no consequences for his bad behaviour. That is just my opinion.
scatterd Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I dont know your story but was it hard evidence or just little things she needs prove just wondering?
reservoirdog1 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 This is someone I know - The BS found out about an affair. The guy was able to convince her that it never happened. Do you think he will change his ways? No way. Think about it -- from the experience, he's learned that he can deceive her, and that she'll fall for it. If anything, it'll make it MORE likely that he'll do it in the future
NoIDidn't Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 No way. Think about it -- from the experience, he's learned that he can deceive her, and that she'll fall for it. If anything, it'll make it MORE likely that he'll do it in the future ...to the next person he's in a relationship with. Be that the OW or the OOW or the OOOW, or the new BW.....and on and on. I, for the life of me, don't understand how these pigs manage to keep their OW around after seeing the lengths they will go through to keep BOTH women.
skylarblue Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Quote: Originally Posted by Fallen Angel For me the payoff was if I pretended not to know, I didn't have to admit to everyone how weak I was that I still wanted my marriage with a man who was obviously a serial cheater. Instead of people looking at me and thinking "wow, she is stupid and weak for trying so hard with a man who obviously doesn't love her and will never put her first, when she should just leave." , they looked at me and thought "wow, he is such an a$$, and she is trying so hard to be a great wife, and she obviously loves him and just doesn't know." He got their anger, I got their pity. People outside our marriage would confront him, ie friends and family. And so I wouldn't have to. I could play the role of martyr, and he was seen by everyone as the complete pr*ck he really was. I guess part of me thought that other people could shame him into changing his ways because nothing I had tried ever worked. I should have walked away, but at that time I honestly felt it was my duty to save my marriage at all costs. Wow. What a suck way to have to live. I’m not one to usually have empathy for the BW, but I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. It would’ve been my nature to think "wow, she is stupid and weak to not know or let her husband cheat on her.” But I actually think “wow, she must be a really strong being to endure such a situation because of genuine beliefs about M.” I feel both respect and sadness for your situation. I am curious as to if you are still M or not?
Recommended Posts