ashleigh422 Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Please read this and help.. im feeling weak.. 4 year abusive relationship. I ended it 4 weeks ago. Cannot go NC because we have a child together. Last night he came over and gave me $2,000 to help with my bills(he hasn't paid a dollar for bills while living with me in over a year if not more) and told me he signed up for couseling. I don't believe that he has changed and I know my truth is my whole heart knows this split is the best (for me and the boys). Firstly.. now I feel bad about taking the money. I told him I would take it, only becuase his son is here and not becuase there is anything due to him after this for helping.. only because he "owes it to me after everything he did to me." I told him not to give it to me unless he KNOWS there are no strings attached to it. HE very willingly gave it to me. SECONDLY... I feel very weak right now. I went against the advice on here and went on date, to try to fill the void.. but OF COURSE.. it didn't work and the worst thing is that the guy is the epitemy of what I'm looking for.. just know I cannot do it right now (is there anything I can do to keep him on layaway??? LOL) My question is.. how do I cope with the feeling of loss? I feel a deep sorrow and loss for myself (and kids), over the relationship. Not over him so much. I feel sad and don't know quite how to fill that gap. What can I do to ease the pain? *Im posting this in Coping and Breakups becuase I don't knwo which one is more suiting? The comfort from coping or the breakup advice?
fabulous_chk Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 If NC is not possible, stay LC with the ex. Only make contact if it's related to the kids. Keep receipts for whatever you have spent, just in case. Do not go on dates to fill the void-go on dates to have fun! To open your world again. But a relationship is not what you need right now. You need to find yourself first, as an individual and not part of a couple. Support his going for counseling but indicate that it's for him only, that his going is not conditional. You are not getting back together just because he is willing to seek help. But acknowledge the steps he is doing. After all, he is still a father to your kids and they need a stable dad. It is normal to feel a sense of loss. You are human after all. It will be quite a ride but be strong, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will emerge stronger, wiser and a much better person. Seek a therapist also, if you can afford it. (((hugs)))
Kaya Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 First of all - don't feel weak, you've done the best thing for yourself and your boys by ending the abusive relationship you were in. You are at the beginning stages of regaining your personal power - so well done to you! I agree with the above poster, you need to start a new relationship with YOURSELF, definitely not someone else. With every ending, comes a new beginning - this can be an exciting time for you, you get to grow and discover new things about yourself, you can take the time to think about what you really deserve and want. Yes, you will feel sad but the new you will become stronger. Fill the gap by doing things for yourself that you've always wanted to do, treat yourself, be kind to yourself. This time is all about you. Good luck on your journey!
PinkToes Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 I'm proud of you for staying strong. It's hard to think clearly when your heart is pulling you in all directions, but you are taking care of business. Good for you. Unfortunately the only way out of the pain is through it... all you can really do is look after yourself and the boys and wait it out. The other posters have suggested things you can do to help you through this time, and you already know what not to do. Try to focus on your needs and be gentle with yourself (no guilt, ever!). Cry when you need to. The tears won't last forever. Sometimes the deepest pain is the loss of what you thought your life would be like. Sometimes we don't miss the person (especially if they're abusive) as much as the promise and the dream. It's hard to readjust your thoughts when your life suddenly takes a different course. But you will get through this. When you are healed, there will be other dreams to pursue. There will be a love that doesn't hurt. For now, though, just give yourself credit for making the right decisions for you and the boys. And keep slogging through the pain. It will end, I promise.
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