gavinus Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 My ex was abusive towards me (physical, emotional, verbal) She dumped me with the relationship ending a while back, NC for nearly 3 months now. I just caught myself writing an email to her, I stopped it and posted here instead. The last time I spoke to her I asked her to not become a stranger as her in my life was special to me. She laughed at me and said lets tell each other when new people come into our lives. As a result of that I returned some birthday gifts she gave me and I texted her, thanks for the gifts, but I am returning them to keep my self respect. She responded 24 hours later wishing me well. I did not respond. She always had to have the last word and win. Why do I feel the need to justify why I returned them? I wanted to say to her she had hurt me too much for me to keep them, but my therapist said make it about me...not her. So why do I feel the need to explain why I returned them? I always treated her well, and this was the first time I had rejected her, I realize if I email her I am giving her power, I want to let this go, any insight would be great, thanks heaps
GrayClouds Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 You are still looking for her approval. It is a pattern that someone in an abusive relationship has, and what keeps them there for so long. Look on the internet about co-dependency and see if it offers you some insight.
Ronni_W Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 ...I texted her, thanks for the gifts, but I am returning them to keep my self respect. .... So why do I feel the need to explain why I returned them? ... this was the first time I had rejected her What GrayClouds said. Or maybe you have a great need to be understood -- not "agreed with", just understood? Or maybe you wanted to send a message to her that you had started working on increasing your SELF-respect, esteem, etc.? Although. Returning gifts is not a rejection of the giver (person) but of the gifts (objects.) But. Maybe you wanted/want her to experience being rejected? Or. Maybe you did NOT want her to experience being rejected? If you had to guess why you felt the need to explain your actions to her, what is the first thing that comes into your mind to guess?
deux ex machina Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 In addition to the above by GrayClouds and Ronnie, consider that perhaps there could be a bit of a hidden wish to keep something that is really in the past, alive...
ecm Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Did you return the gifts to HER? or back to the store? It depends...
Author gavinus Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 (edited) I suppose I want to tell her that for me gifts mean respect, caring and love. Her terrible actions and her awful treatment of me destroyed any special meaning those gifts meant to me, thats why I gave them back. I am angry at myself for putting up with so much....and then returning the gifts to her without telling her how much she hurt me. I suppose I feel like the villain and I know she will tell anybody in her life that I am. Its not true, I loved her a lot. I showed her an engagement ring I brought, I then put it away as I knew she would say no...she then said how will you know if you don't ask, so I asked her to marry me.....she said no. I offered her my friendship, she laughed at me. She admitted to only staying with me as I was nice to her. She told me she will have a regret free life. If I email her telling her why I returned them, she will know I am not over her. It just hurts that she can convince herself she is a great person and carry on with her life, while I am still dealing with all the abuse etc through fortnightly therapy. I used to believe in what goes around comes around/karma etc, but at the moment it seems like....she has won and she walks away remorse, guilt free thx for listening. Edited October 3, 2009 by gavinus
Ronni_W Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Thing is, 'Karma' has its' own timing and methods...it could be decades (or lifetimes) before we each get ours. So, just cos you're not seeing immediate consequences to your ex, doesn't mean that she has gotten a free pass. Do you have any insight into what is causing you to see yourself as/feel like a villain? (I get that maybe she has deluded herself into seeing you that way...I'm just not getting why you have adopted her delusions for your self-image.) In any event, good luck with your therapy.
hoping2heal Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 My ex was abusive towards me (physical, emotional, verbal) She dumped me with the relationship ending a while back, NC for nearly 3 months now. I just caught myself writing an email to her, I stopped it and posted here instead. The last time I spoke to her I asked her to not become a stranger as her in my life was special to me. She laughed at me and said lets tell each other when new people come into our lives. As a result of that I returned some birthday gifts she gave me and I texted her, thanks for the gifts, but I am returning them to keep my self respect. She responded 24 hours later wishing me well. I did not respond. She always had to have the last word and win. Why do I feel the need to justify why I returned them? I wanted to say to her she had hurt me too much for me to keep them, but my therapist said make it about me...not her. So why do I feel the need to explain why I returned them? I always treated her well, and this was the first time I had rejected her, I realize if I email her I am giving her power, I want to let this go, any insight would be great, thanks heaps I'm not sure what you have endured in life, that a person who could abuse you physically, mentally, and emotionally you would regard as "special in your life". However, someone who abuses you is not special. Someone who abuses you is cruel and a predator and no doubt other people you have witnessed being abused you may of felt a similiar sentiment about, yet this abuser is "special". I'm glad you stopped yourself in the midst of writing an email, that's a great show of self control. As for why do you feel the need to express why you returned them? I think if anything you just want to be able to tell her how much pain she has caused you. You may not like the idea of just telling her that, so the birthday gifts serve as a cover . You can contact her and tell her you're returning them because she hurt you, and you are no longer just contacting to tell her that she has hurt you. Does that make any sense? I think you WANT to express to this person the injustice they have done.
Angel1111 Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Emailing her will absolutely make her feel very powerful. It doesn't matter what you say or why you say it. The fact that she is on your mind enough to email her is enough. I'm glad you didn't do it. It shows progress. Yes, you could've worded things a little differently when you returned the gifts but your note wasn't completely off-base and you definitely got your point across. Just leave it alone. Anymore discussion about it with her will only make you look weak and you'll lose any ground you've made. And even if you are weak at the moment, she doesn't need to know that. Btw, just because your therapist suggests something doesn't mean you have to do it. It's good to take into consideration what others say when you're trying to figure things out, but learn to listen to your own intuition. This is what will make you stronger and more decisive. Now, do yourself a huge favor and go buy the book 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. Just replace all the 'he's' with 'she's'. It will not only explain what she did and why she did it, but it will also explain to you why you're still hung up on the relationship. It's the one single book that completely changed my attitude toward my ex.
Author gavinus Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 (edited) thankyou guys. I now realize any contact with her will only feed her and her ego, and I just had a thought this morning that I don't want her to respond as she will only manipulate what I have said, my feelings or me, she was always great at that! Its taken 3 months to realize that when she said "you make me angry" and her subsequent yelling, hitting, and intimidation that she was blaming me for her actions which I now see was totally wrong! I no longer want to give her power and I realize I want to tell her what she has done to me....but silence is the strongest message of all. Thankyou for your support and helping me to stay NC Edited October 3, 2009 by gavinus
Author gavinus Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 (edited) I have just realized something!! I am feeling terrible!! The reason I have been so caught up in worrying what my ex thinks of me is because....i want to leave the door open for her to come back, and I know her attitude is one of "If you don't want me...I don't want you". I am blown away. Please do not be too harsh in your comments now that I know realize this myself. The question is how do I move on and stay strong? I know she was awful to me, so now the issue is with me advice would be great, still have not broken NC. Edited October 5, 2009 by gavinus
Author gavinus Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 I am still grieving for the relationship..... for the moments it was good. I finally have my own self respect back and I realize my own opinion of myself is more important than hers ever will be. I am ok with me.....I tried my best..... it failed and I will never put my own self respect 2nd again for somebody else. She has missed out on me and one day I will meet an amazing person who will appreciate me for me. NC works.......to make help you stronger thx for listening
Angel1111 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I have just realized something!! I am feeling terrible!! The reason I have been so caught up in worrying what my ex thinks of me is because....i want to leave the door open for her to come back, and I know her attitude is one of "If you don't want me...I don't want you". I am blown away. Please do not be too harsh in your comments now that I know realize this myself. The question is how do I move on and stay strong? I know she was awful to me, so now the issue is with me advice would be great, still have not broken NC. When it comes down to it, the issue is always with ourselves in one way or another. You will get past this relationship but it takes time. Do yourself a favor and get the book that I recommended earlier - it will give you peace of mind and so much clarity about her and about yourself - and it will probably greatly shorten your recovery time.
Author gavinus Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 I have ordered it, cheers angel1111
Recommended Posts