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What is it that makes MM/MW in A's be so indecisive? Year + A's

becky2009

By becky2009
in The Other Man / Woman

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jj33 Established Member

jj33

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Angel that is a really good point. I know the A i was in took a major load off the marriage it was part of what made the marriage work, not having to go to the W for certain things that she didnt want to give. It filled in the gaps.

Cliche Established Member

Cliche

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Precisely because it's been longer than a year. He's built Rs on both sides, has loyalties on both sides, bonds on both sides, that are difficult to break.

 

I agree with this. I also think that the status quo is always more comfortable than change, and if no one is demanding change, then why bother?

Luckyluss Member

Luckyluss

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And if someone was demanding change, as in the AP, do you think that would push the MM into a decision?

 

Also it is true that sometimes MM are passive and are waiting for the W or AP to make the decision for them, and we have to live with the fact that in the best cases, we were chosen by default...

jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

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In my view, when a man does this and chooses to 'work on the marriage', he has outgrown the affair with that OW and either truly DOES want to reconnect with his wife or he is on to the next OW.

 

My MM made a decision to go NC and work on his marriage. He wanted to see if he could reconnect with his wife. NC only lasted for five days. He came out of NC with an understanding that until our relationship is over and his feelings for me are gone, he can not work on his marriage, however much he would like to.

OWoman Established Member

OWoman

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I believe that when MM tell the OW that he isn't going back to his wife, he is going back to his family, it is baloney. I think he just doesn't want her to feel rejected. In my view, when a man does this and chooses to 'work on the marriage', he has outgrown the affair with that OW and either truly DOES want to reconnect with his wife or he is on to the next OW.

 

These are two entirely different things, only sometimes related. Men may "go back" - or stay - for a number of reasons, which may include children, lifestyle, comfort, convenience, business interests or image management; this is different to "choosing to work on the marriage" in that (1) it involves a choice, while staying often involves avoiding a choice by doing nothing, and (2) there is a commitment to action, to make things better, or at least try, with the W. Many MM stay - or return - without committing to "work on the M", and either expect the M to repair itself, or don't care overmuch whether it does or not.

Devil Inside Established Member

Devil Inside

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What are you doing to try and figure it out? Does your wife know that you aren't sure if you want to be married? If not, please TELL HER. She deserves to know...then maybe she can make the decision for you.

 

Fair question...I am doing IC and one of the main issues I work on is my ambivalence to the marriage.

 

She does know. It is hard for her...but she knows.

claire28 New Member

claire28

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I am struggling with an indecisive MM. He says he has made the decision and is just working out when and how and making sure they will all (he has kids) be okay when he goes. He wants to 'do it right' (I don't think any way of doing it is ever right) and like mistyk said he says he doesn't want to leave, change his mind and go back because it would hurt everyone too much (I think yep you most because you risk losing us both then) We've been 'together' over 2 years and for the first year or so it was ''i'm not going to leave, I'm not going to lie to you, this is an affair, end of'' and I was okay with that as I knew where I stood. Then things changed and he ''decided'' he wanted to be with me ''properly''. But we're now 9 months on from that ''decision''.

 

I was guilty of the same when my marriage was breaking down so I can understand how hard it can be. I wanted to leave but just didn't know how without hurting everyone. It took a long time to realise people (kids, family, me and him) were hurting much more by me staying. I guess he has to go through the same journey.

Impudent Oyster Established Member

Impudent Oyster

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Fair question...I am doing IC and one of the main issues I work on is my ambivalence to the marriage.

 

She does know. It is hard for her...but she knows.

 

I'm surprised...what's her reaction to your ambivalence?

 

I honestly wouldn't want to be married to someone who wasn't 100% sure that they wanted to be married to me.

 

Being cheated on is one thing, it can be forgiven if there is remorse and a desire to make ammends, but having a spouse who doesn't know if they love or want me?

 

That's a deal-breaker.

Impudent Oyster Established Member

Impudent Oyster

Posted
Posted
These are two entirely different things, only sometimes related. Men may "go back" - or stay - for a number of reasons, which may include children, lifestyle, comfort, convenience, business interests or image management; this is different to "choosing to work on the marriage" in that (1) it involves a choice, while staying often involves avoiding a choice by doing nothing, and (2) there is a commitment to action, to make things better, or at least try, with the W. Many MM stay - or return - without committing to "work on the M", and either expect the M to repair itself, or don't care overmuch whether it does or not.

 

I think if a wife felt that their husband stayed for any other reason other than that they loved them and wanted to be married to them, the hell with lifestyle, comfort, convenience, children, etc. etc., that they wouldn't want them back.

 

I know I wouldn't. :mad:

 

I only want a man who is here for ME and no other reason.

MistyK Established Member

MistyK

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Posted (edited)
I am struggling with an indecisive MM. He says he has made the decision and is just working out when and how and making sure they will all (he has kids) be okay when he goes. He wants to 'do it right' (I don't think any way of doing it is ever right) and like mistyk said he says he doesn't want to leave, change his mind and go back because it would hurt everyone too much (I think yep you most because you risk losing us both then) We've been 'together' over 2 years and for the first year or so it was ''i'm not going to leave, I'm not going to lie to you, this is an affair, end of'' and I was okay with that as I knew where I stood. Then things changed and he ''decided'' he wanted to be with me ''properly''. But we're now 9 months on from that ''decision''.

 

I was guilty of the same when my marriage was breaking down so I can understand how hard it can be. I wanted to leave but just didn't know how without hurting everyone. It took a long time to realise people (kids, family, me and him) were hurting much more by me staying. I guess he has to go through the same journey.

 

Claire, it's unfortunate, but everyone has to do things in their own time. I got out of my M after only a couple months. On some level I guess I thought that MM would be able to see that I got through ok and take confidence from that, but it just doesn't work that way.

 

It took 8 months after fMM committed to leaving his wife to actually separate (and me leaving him 3 times). He has admitted that he was happiest having it both ways (living with his W and having an affair) and if I had been content with that, he'd have kept it up forever. He's been out 7 months and now finally divorced, but still suffers meltdowns where he thinks of returning to his W (usually when his xW does something really manipulative or awful). It's probably going to take him years to reconcile all of this with himself and to stop looking at his xW like she's a saint just because they had kids together (she treats him and the kids awful*). Only when he's able to do that I think will he be able to make someone else his #1. I'm not willing or interested in having a child with him just so I can achieve the canonization that would level the playing field in his mind. So, it's going to be a LONG time.

 

* now, before everyone jumps all over me, I do know these things for a fact. I've seen and heard plenty for myself, not from him. And btw, she's still stalking me. She drove by my house 3 times in the span of five minutes today and I caught her checking my mail AGAIN.

Edited by MistyK
NowhereToHide Established Member

NowhereToHide

Posted
Posted
Claire, it's unfortunate, but everyone has to do things in their own time. I got out of my M after only a couple months. On some level I guess I thought that MM would be able to see that I got through ok and take confidence from that, but it just doesn't work that way.

 

It took 8 months after fMM committed to leaving his wife to actually separate (and me leaving him 3 times). He has admitted that he was happiest having it both ways (living with his W and having an affair) and if I had been content with that, he'd have kept it up forever. He's been out 7 months and now finally divorced, but still suffers meltdowns where he thinks of returning to his W (usually when his xW does something really manipulative or awful). It's probably going to take him years to reconcile all of this with himself and to stop looking at his xW like she's a saint just because they had kids together (she treats him and the kids awful*). Only when he's able to do that I think will he be able to make someone else his #1. I'm not willing or interested in having a child with him just so I can achieve the canonization that would level the playing field in his mind. So, it's going to be a LONG time.

 

* now, before everyone jumps all over me, I do know these things for a fact. I've seen and heard plenty for myself, not from him. And btw, she's still stalking me. She drove by my house 3 times in the span of five minutes today and I caught her checking my mail AGAIN.

 

 

Misty, that's horrible! You should call the police. Things can escalate from that kind of stuff.

MistyK Established Member

MistyK

Posted
Posted (edited)
Misty, that's horrible! You should call the police. Things can escalate from that kind of stuff.

 

I've already called the police on her once, just requesting that they tell her to knock it off. (That time she came down to my house for the purpose of starting a fight with me. She ended up screaming about how i was a whore who slept with her husband in front of my kids, my xH and all my neighbors. I found it mildly amusing that at least now I'm not the only one who can see that she's unbalanced. Her H had moved out MONTHS before this). She responded by escalating, so I'm not sure that's going to be helpful right now.

Edited by MistyK
fooled once Established Member

fooled once

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Posted

So are you back with him Misty? :confused: I thought you had left him?

 

I am sorry she is still bothering, especially if you aren't with him. That is pathetic. But if you are with him again, I think this is going to be an ongoing issue unfortunately :( Maybe he can get her under control, but doesn't sound like it. I think he likes having 2 women fight over him.

 

DI; how is the counseling going? Are you finding any clarify? Any peace? Are you giving yourself a "time frame" to decide on if you can or can't get the 'loving feelings' back? Are you and W doing MC?

Devil Inside Established Member

Devil Inside

Posted
Posted

 

DI; how is the counseling going? Are you finding any clarify? Any peace? Are you giving yourself a "time frame" to decide on if you can or can't get the 'loving feelings' back? Are you and W doing MC?

 

Counseling is going well...we are covering a lot of ground and really going after some issues. I am impressed because being a neurotic therapist myself I use intellect to defend myself...glad I picked a wise therapist with lots of experience and a direct style.

 

I expect that peace will be the long term goal...however, change and growth can be painful when they happen...I am at that stage.

 

I am giving myself one year from when I started NC...August 4 as a deadline. I don't know if my W will have the same deadline...but it is mine..I will reassess throughout the year...but if I cannot give myself to her fully then...then I will look to move on for both of our sake.

 

My W and I will start MC soon enough. I think the W of my IC will do the sessions. My IC is trying to get me to a point where it will be more helpful to be in MC...so one step at a time. I have tried to get my W to go back to IC until we start MC, but she has been ambivalent about it.

 

Thanks for asking Fooled.

fooled once Established Member

fooled once

Posted
Posted
Counseling is going well...we are covering a lot of ground and really going after some issues. I am impressed because being a neurotic therapist myself I use intellect to defend myself...glad I picked a wise therapist with lots of experience and a direct style.

 

I expect that peace will be the long term goal...however, change and growth can be painful when they happen...I am at that stage.

 

I am giving myself one year from when I started NC...August 4 as a deadline. I don't know if my W will have the same deadline...but it is mine..I will reassess throughout the year...but if I cannot give myself to her fully then...then I will look to move on for both of our sake.

 

My W and I will start MC soon enough. I think the W of my IC will do the sessions. My IC is trying to get me to a point where it will be more helpful to be in MC...so one step at a time. I have tried to get my W to go back to IC until we start MC, but she has been ambivalent about it.

 

Thanks for asking Fooled.

 

I think it is a very good idea to be working on you first; and then MC, if your wife is open to it. I guess in times like this, it is good that you are a therapist, ya know?

 

I also feel as if you have really mapped out a good plan for yourself and aren't just jumping around and rushing things. As you know, you can only control you and your thoughts/decisions. I also believe we learn the most from our painful times and while growth is painful, it is also something that must be done in order to go forward, with many different things that life throws at us. I am one who tends to thrive on change and while it is scary, it is also kinda rejuvinating, if that makes sense.

 

I wish you good luck with all that you are going through and I commend you for seeking help, trying to find out if the M is something worth continuing and not make snap decisions.

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becky2009 Member

becky2009

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I agree with most of the responses, I guess what this comes down to is whatever happens.....happens

I believe that there is no way he can make his marriage work, he may end up staying but in the end will not be happy, given everything that has happened and his attitude towards "working on his marriage"

I do believe what he has told me because I have known this man for years.

Although things have ended he is still trying to be my friend, but that would mean he still has both. We work together so I am being kind and this is a struggle every day to keep it to work only. He does not want me to leave my job and claims he has to find out if his marriage is really dead.

IMO - If it wasn't working before and now you are in love with someone else...How in the hell do you think its going to work now???

 

In the last 2 months I have been beating myself up for still having hope, I have now decided that it doesn't matter if I have hope or not I just need to focus on living again and maybe the hope will fade over time.

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