What is it that makes MM/MW in A's be so indecisive? Year + A's

October 2, 2009

I have been reading these threads every night, they have given me the strength to carry on every day and try to get some normal back in my life....Thank You all!!

IMO - my xMM did not choose his marriage, he did not choose his children, he chose himself (his feelings in the moment)

Instead of making a REAL decision (meaning not leaving the door open on either side) he is living a lie

If someone is in an A and realizes they have made a mistake, than you choose to go back to your Spouse and make it work, you tell the truth, you do whatever you have to do to make things right.

Saying you are not sure if you love your W, you do not want to go to MC, you do not want it to work....

How is that choosing your marriage?

You are either committed or your not - there is no in between!

No, the A should not have happened but it did, you cannot change that

What is it that makes MM/MW in A's be so indecisive?

I am talking about the A's that have continued for more than a year...

I don't understand this??? Back and forth....back and forth....

October 2, 2009

IMO, until the MM is faced with losing one or both women for real, he will continue to sit on the fence.

October 2, 2009

I think if OW/OM leave and make them choose. Otherwise they will stay in A, why not leave if you one at home met your need and the other on a side.

October 2, 2009

I personally think it is in part because they are conflicted and mostly I THINK it is because they can have the best of both worlds.for a time....and maybe keep their head in the sand a bit.

October 2, 2009

I think that MM do make a choice: they choose 'both'.

You can fall on either side of a fence, but choosing to sit on it is (to them) a valid choice. That happiness for the involved parties is only moderate when that choice is made, but in a MM's mind - any other choice comes with too much happy/unhappy inbalances. He is trying to keep as many people content as he can without having to let anyone go.

October 2, 2009

Cake eating, plain and simple. Also, if they had enough time and resources, MM's would have multiple affair partners concurrently. Here it is from a mans perspective, with a little emotional investment what can beat multiple sex partners, the thrill of the chase, and a mother/fall back sex partner to raise your children? Nothing.

October 2, 2009

Saying you are not sure if you love your W, you do not want to go to MC, you do not want it to work....
How is that choosing your marriage?

Who is he saying that to? If he's saying that to the OW, then you have NO idea of what he is saying at home.

If he says that to both the OW and the BS who are sitting together at the same time, then possibly you can put some stock into that. And even then, a MM has the likelihood of going home and telling his wife "Honey, I told her all of that in front of you as she is suicidal, and I fear for our bunny's lives. I HAD to lie to her, or she might have gone crazy and tried to kill you with the swizzle stick."

WHY do OW believe every word out of a MM's mouth as though it were gospel??

October 2, 2009

I think that MM do make a choice: they choose 'both'.

You can fall on either side of a fence, but choosing to sit on it is (to them) a valid choice. That happiness for the involved parties is only moderate when that choice is made, but in a MM's mind - any other choice comes with too much happy/unhappy inbalances. He is trying to keep as many people content as he can without having to let anyone go.

Bingo. Totally right on the money. (At least for my 3 year A).

October 2, 2009

I think that MM do make a choice: they choose 'both'.

You can fall on either side of a fence, but choosing to sit on it is (to them) a valid choice. That happiness for the involved parties is only moderate when that choice is made, but in a MM's mind - any other choice comes with too much happy/unhappy inbalances. He is trying to keep as many people content as he can without having to let anyone go.

Yep! The last time I saw my MM he said he "tries to keep both of us happy" and that he wished it was ok to have more than one person.

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

October 2, 2009

Fear, fear of making the wrong decision. Put simply, the inability to decide whether the grass is really greener.

October 2, 2009

I think that MM do make a choice: they choose 'both'.

You can fall on either side of a fence, but choosing to sit on it is (to them) a valid choice. That happiness for the involved parties is only moderate when that choice is made, but in a MM's mind - any other choice comes with too much happy/unhappy inbalances. He is trying to keep as many people content as he can without having to let anyone go.

Path of least resistance once the affair is established....

October 2, 2009

I have been reading these threads every night, they have given me the strength to carry on every day and try to get some normal back in my life....Thank You all!!

Welcome to LS!

IMO - my xMM did not choose his marriage, he did not choose his children, he chose himself (his feelings in the moment)
Instead of making a REAL decision (meaning not leaving the door open on either side) he is living a lie

anyone in an A regarding of what party they are...is indeed living a lie...after all that's what an A is based on to begin with

If someone is in an A and realizes they have made a mistake, than you choose to go back to your Spouse and make it work, you tell the truth, you do whatever you have to do to make things right.

I have to to disagree...you don't always tell the truth...its is entirely up the MM/MW to make that decision sometimes its better off to leave it alone

Saying you are not sure if you love your W, you do not want to go to MC, you do not want it to work....
How is that choosing your marriage?

we hear this a lot..and trust me I've had my share of A's...maybe you are being told that he is not sure he loves his W...most men will tell you that...heck they will even tell you they don't love her at all...this is all part of the game...and for all you know they could be going to MC...you will never know the truth of their M and what goes on in their home and in their bedroom...yes in their bedroom...choosing your M usually starts by ending the A

You are either committed or your not - there is no in between!
No, the A should not have happened but it did, you cannot change that

most A's are not planned at all...I have to agree...they just happen...life happens

What is it that makes MM/MW in A's be so indecisive?
I am talking about the A's that have continued for more than a year...
I don't understand this??? Back and forth....back and forth....

I f they can have it both ways why not? back and forth is completely normal in an A...that's just the way it is even more so when they are kids involved because even if they are truly done w the W they stick around for the kids and the back and forth hardle ever ends

this is just my opinion based on my own experience

I was married I had an A with my now live-in BF and I played a lot of games a lot of back and forth all kinds of things...I did whatever I had to do to get my way and keep evryone "happy"

after a year I decided it was time to leave my H and i did and it was the best decision I ever made...but I also realize that I am the 1%

October 2, 2009

Saying you are not sure if you love your W, you do not want to go to MC, you do not want it to work....
How is that choosing your marriage?
You are either committed or your not - there is no in between!

Ah but there is. You're right, it's not 'choosing your marriage' so much as choosing to do nothing. Making a decision is difficult, and it's far easier to do nothing...

"What is it that makes MM/MW in A's be so indecisive?" This:

Fear, fear of making the wrong decision. Put simply, the inability to decide whether the grass is really greener.

Edited October 2, 2009 by frannie
typo.

October 2, 2009

Fear, fear of making the wrong decision. Put simply, the inability to decide whether the grass is really greener.

And that also includes making any choice other than both. My fMM used to say that he didn't want to be the "Oops" guy - the one who leaves his wife, discovers he made a mistake and runs right back. Honestly, I thought it was immature. There are no guarantees in life and I thought it was ridiculous of him to wait around for a "sign" that he could be sure he made the right decision. Even his version of decisions were strange - he kept his W as "plan B", tried to keep her hanging on, you know - just in case it didn't work out with me. Bleh.

Edited October 2, 2009 by MistyK

October 2, 2009

And that also includes making any choice other than both. My fMM used to say that he didn't want to be the "Oops" guy - the one who leaves his wife, discovers he made a mistake and runs right back. Honestly, I thought it was immature. There are no guarantees in life and I thought it was ridiculous of him to wait around for a "sign" that he could be sure he made the right decision. Even his version of decisions were strange - he kept his W as "plan B", tried to keep her hanging on, you know - just in case it didn't work out with me. Bleh.

That is just spineless....who the hell would want to be with a man like that. I was the MOM and I got out I made a decision took the steps and got out. I didn't wallow and I didn't whine about it. I just got out. It just amazes me with Guys.....has my life dramatically suffered financially? YES but I'm more at peace and adjusting as well as my kids. AMAZING...

October 2, 2009

What is it that makes MM/MW in A's be so indecisive?
I am talking about the A's that have continued for more than a year...

Precisely because it's been longer than a year. He's built Rs on both sides, has loyalties on both sides, bonds on both sides, that are difficult to break.

If it was a fling, it would be easier to walk away.

He's invested. But he's also invested in his M, however much he's withdrawn that investment there is still some residual investment remaining.

He will only be able to choose and take action when he can see that the gains of life with only one (whichever one) outweigh the costs of losing the other.

Even if the choice is made for him, by one or the other leaving, HE won't have chosen.

October 2, 2009

Even if the choice is made for him, by one or the other leaving, HE won't have chosen.

And the rub for the woman who ends up with such a guy (whichever she may be- BW or OW), is that she will never have the security of feeling that he CHOSE life with them. It leaves the door open for the MM to return to whichever woman walked away if future circumstances change because he never left the mindset of choosing both.

October 2, 2009

That is just spineless....who the hell would want to be with a man like that. I was the MOM and I got out I made a decision took the steps and got out. I didn't wallow and I didn't whine about it. I just got out. It just amazes me with Guys.....has my life dramatically suffered financially? YES but I'm more at peace and adjusting as well as my kids. AMAZING...

C4N, I hear ya. I was very decisive, quickly when I left my M. And I haven't looked back. In fairness, as a woman, I had a lot less to lose than the average MM - financially, custody-wise, the house, etc. But still. One can still have quality kid-time, and financial recovery happens over time. It just isn't the end of the world. At the time, i pictured myself standing on the edge of a cliff. I couldn't see below because of the clouds beneath me, but trusted that I'd be ok. I leaned forward and freefall with a smile. It's being the roadrunner - running off the edge without looking down. If you don't trust and look down, like the coyote and so many MM are apt to do - you fall.

October 2, 2009

I have been reading these threads every night, they have given me the strength to carry on every day and try to get some normal back in my life....Thank You all!!

IMO - my xMM did not choose his marriage, he did not choose his children, he chose himself (his feelings in the moment)
Instead of making a REAL decision (meaning not leaving the door open on either side) he is living a lie
If someone is in an A and realizes they have made a mistake, than you choose to go back to your Spouse and make it work, you tell the truth, you do whatever you have to do to make things right.

Saying you are not sure if you love your W, you do not want to go to MC, you do not want it to work....
How is that choosing your marriage?
You are either committed or your not - there is no in between!
No, the A should not have happened but it did, you cannot change that

What is it that makes MM/MW in A's be so indecisive?
I am talking about the A's that have continued for more than a year...
I don't understand this??? Back and forth....back and forth....

IMHO - I agree with you -- you are either committed or not.

I believe that when MM tell the OW that he isn't going back to his wife, he is going back to his family, it is baloney. I think he just doesn't want her to feel rejected. In my view, when a man does this and chooses to 'work on the marriage', he has outgrown the affair with that OW and either truly DOES want to reconnect with his wife or he is on to the next OW.

I just don't believe that the MM is going to tell the OW the truth because he may wonder if she is going to crazy on him, tell his wife, become a stalker, whatever. OR he may want to spare her feelings.

I am not a MM but I have been with one and he chose his wife. To this day, as far as I know, he is with her. I really don't bellieve people CHOOSE to be unhappy in their marriages for the rest of their lives. I guess there are people who do that, but that is so sad to me. I can't image staying in a marriage where I am miserable; which is why I didn't and got a divorce.

October 2, 2009

And the rub for the woman who ends up with such a guy (whichever she may be- BW or OW), is that she will never have the security of feeling that he CHOSE life with them. It leaves the door open for the MM to return to whichever woman walked away if future circumstances change because he never left the mindset of choosing both.

Excellent point Misty.

October 2, 2009

You could say it's several things. Sometimes if the MM is willing to have an affair, there could still be a connection to his wife and he just wants to get back at her. Or, he may really love the OW, but also loves his wife; or he doesn't care a fig about his wife but refuses to go through a divorce because of the kids. Kids and money are usually the highest motivators for a man to stay in a marriage. So some MM try to have the best of both worlds - keep the family together and the bank account, and have the warmth of a companion on the side. He may see it as not being completely selfish because, in his mind, if he were he'd leave. Of course, this isn't really true, but that's the way some people rationalize it.

And a lot of the time, whatever the high-stress factor was/is in the marriage, the affair takes the edge off of it and suddenly the marriage seems better, even tolerable. Which is another good reason not to be the OW. Sometimes the MM leaves his marriage for the OW but most of the time, because the affair calms him down and takes his focus off his bad marriage, his motivation to leave isn't as strong.

October 2, 2009

He's invested. But he's also invested in his M, however much he's withdrawn that investment there is still some residual investment remaining.

He will only be able to choose and take action when he can see that the gains of life with only one (whichever one) outweigh the costs of losing the other.

Even if the choice is made for him, by one or the other leaving, HE won't have chosen.

This is it for me. This and the fear Lakeside mentioned...which goes hand in hand with this.

It is a very selfish way to handle this situation. One that I am ashamed of...and OWoman you're right...my OW forced my hand by leaving..and I am still not sure I want to be married.

October 2, 2009

I think too that a lot of people dont start affairs because they want to leave.

As an AP there is a tendency (sometimes) to assume that if the MP is having an A, and they love you, and invest time and emotion in your relationship, that the natural conclusion the MP should reach is:

1. I am being unfaithful to my spouse, clearly there are big issues in the M

2. I am not 100% committted to working on those issues, I have gone outside the M to get my needs met;

3. AP meets these needs and I love her/him;

ERGO MP should decide to leave the marriage.

But emotions arent that logical. And as others have so eloquently said if the MP can manage both, then as stressful as I think that is for many MP, its the "best" compromise for themselves.

Looking back on my situation, xMM's life is built around being married to his W and everything that means, however as events have shown, he cant deal with the idea of me being totally out of his life either.

October 2, 2009

It is a very selfish way to handle this situation. One that I am ashamed of...and OWoman you're right...my OW forced my hand by leaving..and I am still not sure I want to be married.

What are you doing to try and figure it out? Does your wife know that you aren't sure if you want to be married? If not, please TELL HER. She deserves to know...then maybe she can make the decision for you.

October 3, 2009

What are you doing to try and figure it out? Does your wife know that you aren't sure if you want to be married? If not, please TELL HER. She deserves to know...then maybe she can make the decision for you.

Jeepers IO, chill out. I believe she is aware, and further, she cheated on him too. No wonder he's so unsure.

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What is it that makes MM/MW in A's be so indecisive? Year + A's

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