truegirl Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Here I go again... A guy and I have established that we are dating... What that means I have no clue... I like the pace; slow. I don't know if I could handle something very serious at the moment. I saw his profile on an online dating site where we met. He recently logged in; within the last two days. I am disappointed and hurt. I hate feeling this way. I put fourth a 100% effort into everything.... I am not the type to date several people at once. And yes we have slept together. What should I do????
Roxanna Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 I would be annoyed also, depending on what I thought our relationship was. Why don't you just ask him why he logged on? Have you established that you're exclusively dating? Going on dates together and being exclusive are different things.
Lucky_One Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Weird!! I just was on this other site, and this guy wrote in that his new-ish GR had just logged onto the dating site where they met!!! He was so freaked out that she had logged in there, because he logged in just to see if she had logged in! Any change that is YOUR BF, and he is as freaked out by the fact that YOU are still logging into the dating site??
Author truegirl Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 No I have not established if we are exclusive d.ating each other I guess that is one of my problems; I hate bringing stuff up in person. I am kind of a chicken**** when I have to talk to people about relationship stuff. I know that he is not ready for anything serious nor am I... We usually go out and have a great time together, followed with a text message the next day thanking each other for a great evening... I don't want to ask why he logged on when it looks like I was snooping and checking up on him... I thinking I am liking him more then I should...
Author truegirl Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 I deleted my profile and do not have an account anymore. On the site you can do a search by age and see when the person last logged in.
carhill Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 So, you're taking it slow and have had sex and are annoyed with his logging into dating sites. Hmmm..... So, six to eight dates and at least one sexual event and no talks of exclusivity = annoyance. OK... I have a real good suggestion as a result of our work in MC. Communicate with him. Tell him what you want; no commentary about what he's giving you or your perception of it. Simply state in a loving way what you want. 'I like how things are going with us. I love putting 100% of myself into my relationships. How do you feel about that?' If that scares him, but banging you doesn't scare him, imbalance. He's getting his needs met without consideration for yours. Incompatibility and ejection pod
Author truegirl Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 It's more like 10 or 11 dates... and slept together a few times!!!! Ug my mistake. I will ask and thanks for the advice Carhill...
tkgirl Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 I've been there... only I chose not to say anything and just waited to see "where things went". Looking back on it, I wish I had said something though, because after I saw that he had logged onto the site I definitely put my guard up... sort of closed myself off so I wouldn't get hurt. That's not how I like to feel when starting a new relationship. Later when things ended up not working out (shocker!) and we we're "friends" I asked him about "dating other girls" when we were together. He assured me he'd never do that to me but then what was he doing on the dating site? Anyho... I say you somehow bring it up to him... maybe not mention the dating site but somehow ask him what he's looking for in his life right now or... I don't know. But say something or it will bother you and that could definitely affect how things go with him... good luck!
carhill Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Later when things ended up not working out (shocker!) and we we're "friends" I asked him about "dating other girls" when we were together. He assured me he'd never do that to me but then what was he doing on the dating site? This is easy and the OP can perhaps relate. Unless the man is universally attractive, he can rarely obtain women at the same speed and ease that women can obtain a man, should they so desire. Hence, he is 'keeping his options open' by pursuing other contacts (laying the groundwork) in case this one doesn't work out. For him, meeting to getting laid (sorry to be blunt but this is how most guys work) takes some time and he wants to jump-start this as much as possible. I used to do the all-in, take it slow thing when I was single and literally would go months without sex, and by that I mean sexual intimacy in general, not specifically intercourse. Kinda reminds me of my marriage Think about this. If a straight man (me) didn't want sex, he could 'date' guys, or just hang out and drink beer. Sometimes (most times of late), that option is far more fulfilling.
Author truegirl Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 Carhill... your post reminded me of something... Last night we were talking and he mentioned always being lonely in his house and needing more human touch... I dunno... You do have a point; he may be laying the ground work in case this does not workout... GRRRRRR
carhill Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Last night we were talking and he mentioned always being lonely in his house and needing more human touch...How do you feel about that? IYE, do you feel intimacy (non-sexual) is appropriate for the level of dating you're at? Also, it is possible that this statement is a way of expressing his desire for consistency of contact. If his behaviors when in contact, as well as away, support that statement, IMO that would be a good place to broach the subject of exclusivity. Personally, I'd holster the annoyance until this nuance has been resolved. It might be premature, and, yes, I can change my mind
Author truegirl Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 The level of dating we are just getting to the intimacy; this is not the first time he has mentioned it. I am beginning to care for him and wish there was more contact... I guess I am just going to have to ask some questions that I am not particularly fond of asking... I am two years out of a divorce and this the first time trying for a realtionship with someone. The first year I partied my ass off and the second year I kept myself figuring out what I wanted out of life...
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