silktricks Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 I was trying to add to my previous post, but took too long... I am glad that my husband told me about the affair, for a number of reasons, the biggest being that I had been VERY unhappy for quite some time. I had asked him if he was having an affair about 6 months previous (of course he denied it)... His telling me about it gave us the ability to begin communicating again, which helped us immeasurably. However, the fact that his telling helped in our circumstance does not IMO mean that it helps in ALL circumstances. Only the people in the marriage really know their situation. I (personally) usually prefer knowing the truth, no matter how bad that truth may be. Then I can kinda decide whether or not I will try to stand back up after taking the beating.... but not everyone is like me. But... since I try to be honest here, I also have to admit that sometimes I really have wished I didn't know....
Snowflower Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 former BS here. My husband told me about his affair, and for quite sometime we agreed that anything and everything that came into his mind about it he would tell me. The problem with that was that I kept resetting to zero in my healing. It was what we both thought was best - but then both came to realize it wasn't.... There can be TMI about the details surrounding an affair. My husband answered every question I asked of him...honestly and would patiently as I asked the same questions over and over. There were some questions I never asked and probably will never ask...I know that the answers would hurt me more than they would help... I got the information I needed and eventually let that part of the recovery process finish for me. A BS needs the answers to the questions that are pertinent to them. But somehow, the BS and WS need to figure out together at some point when to put the questioning to rest. I questioned my husband a lot for about the first 4 months and then pretty much quit asking...I found out what I needed to know.
Snowflower Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 However, the fact that his telling helped in our circumstance does not IMO mean that it helps in ALL circumstances. Only the people in the marriage really know their situation. I (personally) usually prefer knowing the truth, no matter how bad that truth may be. Then I can kinda decide whether or not I will try to stand back up after taking the beating.... but not everyone is like me. But... since I try to be honest here, I also have to admit that sometimes I really have wished I didn't know.... I have felt the same way...about wishing I didn't know sometimes. Sometimes, I wish my husband had figured out things on his own and then come back to our marriage (figuratively speaking...he never left me), with a committed heart and me none the wiser. But mostly though, his confession was a huge boost to the intimacy and yes, trust factor in our relationship. It was like he was repairing the foundation that he had cracked in our marriage-and from this we started to build a new marriage. I have also come to the point that I no longer mourn the loss of my previous marriage (the pre-affair one).
silktricks Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 A BS needs the answers to the questions that are pertinent to them. But somehow, the BS and WS need to figure out together at some point when to put the questioning to rest. I questioned my husband a lot for about the first 4 months and then pretty much quit asking...I found out what I needed to know. I've bolded the part I thought most important. It has to be a joint decision. Often, after it's over (and the BS knows of the affair) the WS tries to make that decision unilaterally, because they REALLY want it over - including the repercussions.... and that doesn't work for the BS. The BS has to know that repetitive questions get back the same answer consistently, because then they can start to rebuild the shattered trust. But I agree sometimes there is TMI. Though I found in my case that my brain would create a scenario that was much worse than the facts (once I knew the facts... )
silktricks Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 But mostly though, his confession was a huge boost to the intimacy and yes, trust factor in our relationship. It was like he was repairing the foundation that he had cracked in our marriage-and from this we started to build a new marriage. I have also come to the point that I no longer mourn the loss of my previous marriage (the pre-affair one). I like your comparison. The foundation of our marriage now is much MUCH stronger than it was pre-affair. I don't at all mourn the loss of my pre-affair marriage, as it wasn't based on enough truth. There were things my H didn't understand (at all) about me, and things I didn't understand about him. Things neither of us communicated about adequately. I'm much happier, and I believe he is, as well. We certainly talk a lot more than we used to, and understand each other much better, too.
Snowflower Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 But I agree sometimes there is TMI. Though I found in my case that my brain would create a scenario that was much worse than the facts (once I knew the facts... ) I had the same experience...my assumptions about most of the things that happened in my H's affair were much more dire than they actually were. My imagination would run wild. At one point early on, my H sat me down and told me some of the most painful details and while they were very hard to hear-I remember my H and I were both crying as we talked-for hours, they were no where near as bad as I imagined! In the months that followed his confession-up to this very day, I learned that there was simply not much for him to tell about his A.
inhindsight Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 A. How is your marriage now, IHS? If you are trying to recover it, it's hard work isn't it? Our marriage is much better, SF,thanks for asking. Recovery is a long road, but we are well on our way, and I think are on the right path . As you and ST have been discussing, the foundation of our marriage has infinitely changed from pre-A because it is now solidly based on honesty and communication. It changes everything. He also asked lots of questions in the beginning, some which were very difficult to answer, others easier. He didn't know if he wanted to hear everything but he needed to know what he needed to know, like you. I was very honest about my insecurities to him during confessing. It was hard for him to draw a line from my internal turmoil leading to my A, he couldn't fathom I felt this hollow inside because I have always been outwardly very strong. since d-day, he has come to see a much more vulnerable side of me, but the funny thing is, I am so much stronger now that I shared my weakness with him... There is a certain liberation in honesty... that is as best as I can put it, and honesty is really the only way we could've moved forward. We communicate MUCH better now, and I do NOT ever assume anything about him anymore, I simply ask instead of guessing first how he'll react to my feeling something. He is still not a "wordy" guy, but I have really learned to understand his language, and I always clarify. It's working... and he rarely asks questions now, but as I have mentioned in other threads, every once in a while he makes a remark here or there as a reminder that all is not forgotten, not that he thinks I would or he would forget. But I don't expect that initial stab of hurt he feels when he thinks about it will go away, not for some time. It was a big loss of trust, and like losing a loved one or family member, it takes time to get over that loss.
NowhereToHide Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 It was an honest question! It's just that NTH stated that she didn't want to answer it right now, or at least yet. I can't speak for NTH but I think she doing some introspection about why she entered an A. DI started this thread about the effects on recovery a marriage if the WS confesses. NTH appears to be taking the viewpoints here to heart and I for one, think that is the best way for her to figure out what the right thing to do. Thank you, Snowflower. I am reading all of these posts as they are written as well as some others on other boards. Am I ready to tell my H? No. I'm still trying to evaluate the entire situation. Thanks for giving me some "space"....
eyeswide Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 The whole time that I have been here I don't think that I have ever seen a WS admit this. I have always felt that the main reason for not telling the BS was fear. No one wants to admit they are afraid to give the BS the choice to chose them again or to walk away. It's like the pieces of a puzzle. If one spouse has all the pieces, they have a complete picture. If they don't have all the pieces, the two are looking at two very different pictures. One clear, one with erased or blurred spots. The "what if's" are endless, but what do you think would have happened had you gone to him and confessed. Do you think he would view your credibility differently? Are the you in counseling, what have the two of you learned about your marriage? Thanks Bent, though I'm certainly no heroine in this story... You're right; the "what ifs" ARE endless and I have certainly sacrificed a number of hours of sleep in the investigation of them. And all I have to answer for those lost hours is "I don't know." I just don't. As I mentioned, my H believes that his A may never have happened at all if I had told him the truth sooner. He's a very insightful person and has always had better self-knowledge than I have, so I tend to give him the benefit of the doubt on that score. But I also think, sometimes, that "maybe you wouldn't have had an 'affair' because you would have kicked my sorry a** out onto the street and would have been single anyway." Regarding your question about his trust in me now -- he says he does, even though I know I don't really deserve it, but it is critical to me to be deserving of that gift. I trust him too -- but I will admit to checking the phone records and his emails now and then -- just call me "Ronald Reagan." Yes, we are in MC -- but mostly we're just really trying to be more open with each other -- and gentle with each other. What can I say? I love the man more than any other person on the planet. I won the dang lottery.
aeh Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 I think this is an interesting thread because I have wondered how different my recovery would be if my H had confessed his A rather than me discover it. And then the lies that came afterwards... My H has told me that he never thought he would be caught. Also, his MOW asked him what I would do if I found out and he said he didn't know. At one point he told me that he told her I'd probably leave him but I think he was throwing me a bone so that I didn't think he thought I was a pushover. He has not repeated that and just reiterates that he didn't know what I would do. But for him to tell me that he never thought about getting caught is ridiculous, especially when his MOW was asking him which brought the question out into the open.
seren Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 ' I felt in my situation that I needed to confess. It was not only for my personal benefit to feel "unloaded".... but for his own empowerment as well. I am of the opinion that his not knowing of a deeply EA and highly PA was pretty much tantamount to me robbing him even further by not allowing him the choice to decide if he could be with someone who would choose to engage in actions and behaviour that could hurt him so much. I stongly feel that he needed to be the one to decide if I should be kicked to the curb, or if we could try to start over with a more honest and communicative relationship. I stole from him... his right to know my feelings before I engaged in my A, stole his dignity while I engaged fully in the A.... I stole his right to choose our relationship when I stepped outside our M. No matter what, I needed to return that right to him, even if it meant I would be maligned, hated, alienated and left penniless '. This is so accurate in describing the need for honesty to enable the BP to regain control over their lives. I would hope that in time all WS understand the need of the BP to have this acknowledged.
Snowflower Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Thank you, Snowflower. I am reading all of these posts as they are written as well as some others on other boards. Am I ready to tell my H? No. I'm still trying to evaluate the entire situation. Thanks for giving me some "space".... You're welcome, Nowhere. I respect your decision to hold off and think about things for awhile. You know your situation best. Please just be aware of the pitfalls if you don't confess-like your H finding out another way. Somehow, I sense that you do not want to bring pain to your husband and that would hurt him deeply. Please, just be careful. I hope you keep posting here. I really like your insight about things, probably because some of things you say remind me of what my husband has said to me. Try not to let some of the more vocal posters get to you-if they happen to start posting to you. I'm a BS, or was, but I try not to take my hurt I feel toward my fWH out on any WS here.
fooled once Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 In my situations, his wife found out. He told me it was because she looked in his wallet and found a picture of me and him. He warned me he would be calling me to 'break up with me' and when he did, I heard her on the extension. Several months later (like 6 months) - she called me. We were still involved, albeit most of it was via email as he was basically under house arrest by her. She called me to tell me that he was staying with her and that I was probably fed lies by him (duh!). We spoke for about 20 - 30 minutes --- basically telling her other things we were told by him. In the end, she told me she would be by to pick up his things and I told her she better not step foot on my property and if HE wanted his things, he could come get them (he had a key). During all this, he and I continued to talk as he kept telling me how he was done with the M and he just needed more time About 3 months later, they moved across country. I had no idea HE was moving (I knew she was). He kept telling me it was just her moving. We were in contact with each until about 3 days before the move. I heard from him 1-2 days after the move - he called me while on the road. I told him to pound sand. She called me from their new home and told me he was with her. I told her she could have him. 3 months later, I met my H 2 months later, xMM called me begging for me to take him back. I told him nope. I wasn't married during the A.
fooled once Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Just finally finished reading the whole thread and I have to say -- eyeswide and inhind -- thank you both so much for sharing your stories. I have to say that I am amazed at how well you both handled your situations and the honesty and respect you showed your spouses in the aftermath of your affairs. I think it is awesome and I hope your journeys continue to be sucessful and that you and your spouses find the love and happiness again that you had at one time. Thank you both again for sharing!!
NowhereToHide Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 You're welcome, Nowhere. I respect your decision to hold off and think about things for awhile. You know your situation best. Please just be aware of the pitfalls if you don't confess-like your H finding out another way. Somehow, I sense that you do not want to bring pain to your husband and that would hurt him deeply. Please, just be careful. I hope you keep posting here. I really like your insight about things, probably because some of things you say remind me of what my husband has said to me. Try not to let some of the more vocal posters get to you-if they happen to start posting to you. I'm a BS, or was, but I try not to take my hurt I feel toward my fWH out on any WS here. I am hyper-aware of the pitfalls, and I'm definitely taking them into consideration. I know that there is no guarantee that my H will never find out... I'm living with that fear, too. I appreciate your advice more than you know. Many of the BS's on here have given me perspective on my MM's spouse -- When my A was ending, I told my AP that I as a woman, I would never want his wife to be hurt by this coming out... she wasn't real to me while I was deep in the affair fog, but because of these boards, she is very real to me now. Just in the short time I've been on this site, I have gained such a huge perspective on what I could have lost. I'm amazed at how completely blinded I was to it all. I'm going to stay in therapy and keep trying to decide what to do. I love my husband so much -- I can't imagine shattering him with this. We both had parents that cheated and he is very adamant about his feelings about infidelity. I know that it doesn't mean for certain he would leave, I just feel like I would only be doing it to unburden myself and my guilt and it would leave him in such pain. I'm trying to develop a thicker skin to the BS's that are insensitive. Thanks for your kind words.
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