scatterd Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I have been reading alot here.So many broken hearts it seems everyone is searching for something.including me.Im trying to find answers to my husbands actions so I know what to do.I hear alot of people putting down mm wife and such.People get married for many reasons but at one time they loved enough to marry.The cheater has to be unhappy to cheat but sometimes the person they r cheating on has no idea. They could be really good people and shocked over mates actions.we need to stick together and think about whats right to avoid being hurt.Im glad that this site has been here it is helping me understand alot of things im not here to judge only learn thank to you guys I hope I can help also.please read ( lost I think he maybe cheating ) and give me your opions please.I also want to hear from ow what the men tell u.
fooled once Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Hi. Not really sure what you are asking/looking for. Are you saying that your H is cheating on you? Your post might fit better in the infidelity section of the boards if you are trying to come to terms with him cheating. There are a lot of great people who can help you through this.
Author scatterd Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 yes i wrote lost he may be cheating I put it under coping and no one has answered, tonight he claims hes working till four in morning hes never worked that long im so lost .I sit at computer when I wake up till i go to bed just reading this site. I dont talk much now im lost.I am in my own world.My kids and family are worried they cant figure him out.My dad died two days after x-mas in 2007 my back went out, iv had a hard time with that and now my husband is not in love with me I want to leave but no money.Im complaining sorry.Im lost I want answers but cant get them.
fooled once Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I am sorry you are hurting so much. Have you asked him outright if he is cheating? Unfortunately, the only one who knows what is going is him. If he is cheating, then you need to decide if you want to stick around while he continues this affair. Yeah, the old working late excuse How long have you two been married?
SidLyon Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 My H cheated on me too and I found out nearly a year ago. Since then we've been trying to rebuild our marriage. I lurked on LS for a while and then finally joined about 5 months after d-day. Initially I started on the Infidelity forum and finally came to the OM/OW forum. My reason were in part to try to understand "why". I did not really find the answer here as it seems to me that many OW do not really understand "why" they have had or are having an A with a MM (apart from where he has lied about being married). Every time I asked a question of this sort I felt that I was criticised for asking. I was told that my answers did not lie with the OW and her possible motivations, but really were with my H who has broken his vows to me. A few OW felt it was OK to be personally insulting in the process (the "bitter BW" is the usual label but sometimes it was worse) and perhaps I was not completely polite myself. Either way I have come to understand that while I felt it was important to my own healing to understand the possible reasoning of the OW, ultimately it was an exercise in fruitlessness to try to get it from the OW on this forum - basically nothing was going to satisfy me anyway. The hurt and pain was just too bad to be in any way salved by explanations from other OW about their own motivations. Many OW felt it was inappropriate for me to ask such questions on something they regard as a support forum. Sadly such answers are not available on the Infidelity forum either. It is one of those things that will remain unfathomable to me so I don't intend to ask again. I asked my H's Ow the same question directly and got a similar answer. It may be different for you of course as this was only my experience. This is not meant to be critical of any OW, just an acknowledgment of something that just is.
NowhereToHide Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 My H cheated on me too and I found out nearly a year ago. Since then we've been trying to rebuild our marriage. I lurked on LS for a while and then finally joined about 5 months after d-day. Initially I started on the Infidelity forum and finally came to the OM/OW forum. My reason were in part to try to understand "why". I did not really find the answer here as it seems to me that many OW do not really understand "why" they have had or are having an A with a MM (apart from where he has lied about being married). Every time I asked a question of this sort I felt that I was criticised for asking. I was told that my answers did not lie with the OW and her possible motivations, but really were with my H who has broken his vows to me. A few OW felt it was OK to be personally insulting in the process (the "bitter BW" is the usual label but sometimes it was worse) and perhaps I was not completely polite myself. Either way I have come to understand that while I felt it was important to my own healing to understand the possible reasoning of the OW, ultimately it was an exercise in fruitlessness to try to get it from the OW on this forum - basically nothing was going to satisfy me anyway. The hurt and pain was just too bad to be in any way salved by explanations from other OW about their own motivations. Many OW felt it was inappropriate for me to ask such questions on something they regard as a support forum. Sadly such answers are not available on the Infidelity forum either. It is one of those things that will remain unfathomable to me so I don't intend to ask again. I asked my H's Ow the same question directly and got a similar answer. It may be different for you of course as this was only my experience. This is not meant to be critical of any OW, just an acknowledgment of something that just is. SidLyon.... I'm sorry that your experience on here hasn't been helpful. I haven't read any of your other posts. I was a MOW involved with a MM. If you have any specific questions for me, I'd be happy to answer them honestly if it would help. I know that I have received a lot of insight from many BS's on here and on the infidelity forum, so I'd be happy to return the favor.
SidLyon Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 SidLyon.... I'm sorry that your experience on here hasn't been helpful. I haven't read any of your other posts. I was a MOW involved with a MM. If you have any specific questions for me, I'd be happy to answer them honestly if it would help. I know that I have received a lot of insight from many BS's on here and on the infidelity forum, so I'd be happy to return the favor. That is really kind of you to offer. I guess what I was trying to convey is the question of "why does a woman knowingly/willingly have an A with a MM?" is one of those things that may not ever be answered to the satisfaction of a BW such as me. It is not really anything to do with the OWs' attempts to answer it but more to do with my own inability to understand. Like you however I have gained a huge amount of insight about it. If I had ever been tempted to have a revenge A then this site (both the Infidelity and OM/Om forums) has stopped me in my tracks (I hope). As for a A with a MM, again I hope I have seen enough pain here and experienced my own severe hurt, to know that I don't want to be responsible/complicit in even a small way for inflicting that on my own H, other wives and everybodies' families and children. There is only one OW poster that I can think of right now who is on a huge ego trip for being able to persuade happily married men into infidelity. In some ways in my own mind I imagine that my H's own OW is like that, but realistically I know this is so unlikely because it doesn't seem the norm at all. Most OW that I see on LS, are usually hurting too. Whether we are a BW or an OW, ending a relationship where you love and care about the man is just so difficult. So I understand that an OW trying to end an A with a fence-sitter or cake-eater is no easier than for a BW trying to end her marriage with the same sort of guy.
Fallen Angel Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 I am an OW, and I would like to help, but I do not think I have the answers you seek. I do not know what motivates My MM to cheat, I can only answer as to why I stay in the A. I stay because I love him. I stay because part of me hopes that someday he will love me enough to do what is right, or love her enough to do what is right, and will grow up and give himself to one of us fully. *shrug* Obviously I would be lying if I said I would prefer he choose her, but at this point even that choice is preferable to his NON-choice. He gets the best of both worlds, while she and I both get the short straw. I have read here time and again where people have said he HAS made a choice, he chooses both. And they are right, which is why I am making a different choice for him. I am phazing him out. He feels it, but is powerless to do anything about it without making A DIFFERENT choice for himself. That said, I don't know that I answered your question, but it is the only answer I have. I would suggest that you get yourself into counseling to decide what YOU want, instead of waiting around for him to choose. If there is one thing you will learn from this site, it is that given the freedom to choose, they generally choose BOTH until one or the other makes the choice for him. Good Luck and remember this... it is not your fault, but allowing it to get worse when you have other options will be.
MaureyL Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 That is really kind of you to offer. I guess what I was trying to convey is the question of "why does a woman knowingly/willingly have an A with a MM?" is one of those things that may not ever be answered to the satisfaction of a BW such as me. It is not really anything to do with the OWs' attempts to answer it but more to do with my own inability to understand. Well, here's the short answer. I didn't think about it. I never met or knew the MM's partner, though she was very keen to meet me once she figured out what was going on. And if I'm honest, I made a directed attempt for her partner-- I pursued him relentlessly. It was very clear that he cared deeply for me and was very attracted to me but he was very reluctant (of course) to hurt his girlfriend. But I persisted. Even now I can't really put my finger on what motivated me but I knew that I had to have him or die trying. My marriage was breaking up at the same time and my husband intercepted my mobile telephone bill and found the MM's number. He called it and threatened to tell his girlfriend (a complete lie-- he didn't even know her last name. Neither did I until they both left the country, he was very careful to protect her from the situation). When I found out what my husband was doing, i.e. leaving threatening messages and intimidating emails, I went after him with a baseball bat. I'm not proud of these things but if you want an answer as to why, the response might be that it was absolutely uncontrollable. I had to have him. And in the end, we were together for a brief matter of months until he escaped to the safety of the other side of the world with his girlfriend, who of course knew everything. It's not healthy or kind. But that's what happened. And there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish to see his face just one more time...
doe111 Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 hi there scatterd, ok you would like to know what the mm tell us ow??? ok this is what my xMM told me; brace yourself you are my world I am lost without you no I do not and have not slept with her (w) in forever our relationship is more like a friendship no we do not have sex ever i love you and yes baby i am longing for the day we will be together i have to do this very delicatly she (w) is very fragile she worries about what other people think she is worried about the money oh and his trip to hawaii with her this is what he said; yes baby this is just her way of trying to salvage the marraige but i feel I owe it to her to go and I will move out as soon as we get back (moving out did not happen for a year after Hawaii you are my best friend baby i love you more than anyone I have ever loved she does not deserve to be hurt she can never know about us well that is just a drop in the pan hope this has helped and hang in there we are here for you ((((((((hugs from Doe))))))))))
brainyblonde Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 my xMM was similar and said... * i have never loved anyone as much as u EVER * i love you so much (said daily) * when we are together, we will do... * my head and my heart are with you, and basically i want to spend the rest of my life with you *my W is an evil bitch, i hate her, she is a disease, i can't go near her *my W & I are in separate rooms * i haven't had sex/intimacy/higs/kisses with my W for over 2 and a half years *our lives are so intertwined, we could never be without each other * i want to leave, i'm desperate to leave, help me to leave * i wish i'd met u before i met my W ...and so it goes on....until i tell the W...and then i hear NOTHING from him!
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