jennesis2 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 . . .Ugggh . . . I am having such problems and would really like some advice about my situation. My problems with my current relationship are so numerous, I really don't know where to begin. Essentially, after a few nervous breakdowns and debilitating heartache, I have decided to leave my boyfriend of nearly a year. Sounds in itself simple enough, but it's not. We live together with his two young children (five and seven year old girls), as well as with his 16 year old brother, who he is the guardian of. His parents are dead, and his estranged wife (who he has been separated from for two years) was imprisoned during the bulk of our relationship, and is now only out on a strict probation. She only has supervised visits with the girls for three hours each week. I love the children DEARLY. I spend nearly every day with them, and have become their mother figure. They actually call me "mom." My relationship with them is amazing, and they are doing so well (all A's in school, adjusting well, etc). I also love their father, but there are MAJOR problems in my relationship that I don't think can be fixed. Essentially, I do everything in our relationship. I work a full-time job, attend doctoral school, and raise the three children almost solely on my own. His job is 1pm-9pm in an area 1.5 hours away, so he sees the kids in the morning for about an hour on weekdays, and then during the weekends, he should have the time free to be with me and the family, but he mostly goes off and does his own thing, leaving me with the kids. He doesn't lift a single finger around the house. I do EVERYTHING: cook, clean, tend to the children, make appointments, pay the bills on time, decorate for the holidays, plan birthday parties- you name it. I tried to stop doing these things as I felt I was enabling him, but then he does nothing and everything falls apart (no clean clothes, no report cards signed, no birthday plans for the kids, etc). I have lost so much respect for him. The most hurtful thing is that I feel he spends zero time for me and has no regard for my feelings. His commute home should take about an hour with no traffic, meaning he should be home to spend time with me and his brother by 10pm ish each night. Instead, he chooses to go to his cousin's house and play cards and get drunk and strolls in between 1-3am while I am asleep. I have had out and out brawls with him about this. He says I am "suffocating him" when I don't "allow" him to do what he wants to do, and that I need to give him space. I rarely see him as it is, and I cannot tolerate this disrespectful, immature, and dangerous behavior. Also, how can I trust that he is where he is, or is doing what he says? I can't count on him for the simplest things- taking out the trash, helping with the girls homework, paying bills- nothing. He also does not have sex with me anymore. We used to have it constantly. Now, he pushes me away and says he only wants to "cuddle." I have had it. I am basically a free maid and a 1/2 meal ticket at this point, and I want to leave for my own dignity, and to have a chance to find a man who can appreciate me. But my heart falls apart thinking about leaving the kids. How can I get through this? Why was everything so great in the beginning, and now falling spectacularly to pieces? Any insight?
JaggedRoad Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 You can try talking to him and see if you can work things out.
Author jennesis2 Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 Ah yes, that is why I am the point that I am at. When I try to discuss it with him, he either ignores me or leaves. At first he would say, "Okay, I'll change," and then the very next day go back to the same behavior. Now he says nothing at all, or leaves.
Notsogood Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Hi Jen, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I was alot like your partner in my last relationship (in a snese where I took everything for granted and got lazy), and having reflected on my actions during the relationship, I really regretted my actions as I knew I loved my ex but still continued acting the way I did as I could get away with it. Relationships tend to change people, especially if its a long one and I think your partner really needs a wake up call (in my case, it was her breaking up with me) to realise what he has and what he could lose. In your case though, it might be a bit trickier as there are children involved. How were they looked after before you hooked up with your partner? If they were fine before, they should be fine if you leave.
hoping2heal Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Ah yes, that is why I am the point that I am at. When I try to discuss it with him, he either ignores me or leaves. At first he would say, "Okay, I'll change," and then the very next day go back to the same behavior. Now he says nothing at all, or leaves. I really feel for you that these children are involved and they will suffer. It's a tough call. He is not taking you seriously, he is not showing any respect for you whatsoever.What was your relationship like before? You said there was a lot of sex, but what else? I mean, how often was he sharing the household responsibilities, being a responsible adult, etc. Mutually giving and taking in the relationship equally etc. How long did that go on for and when did it stop?
boogieboy Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 You already know your choices, and theres no easy way to get though it. You have to leave, and you have to abandon the children. He's going to make you feel guilty about it, but you have to break free, because theres no other way for this to work out. Start preparing yourself to completely distance yourself from that family. Once you break up with him, you cannot visit those kids. It will just prolong everyones pain.
fireftrjef Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 If you are trying to talk to him, and he doesn't listen or tunes you out, and continues as if you don't matter, then leave. You are being his doormat, and you deserve better.
Author jennesis2 Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 How were they looked after before you hooked up with your partner? If they were fine before, they should be fine if you leave. Before I was with my partner, they lived during the weekdays with their mother, and the weekends with their father. Then shortly after I met their father, she was incarcerated for many months. Now that I am leaving my boyfriend, I am so worried about their welfare, as they are children who need a lot of attention, and he works a 1-9pm job. I don't think it;s really hit him what raising these children full time without me is going to be like. It's so hard because I really love him and the children, but I am honestly just being taken for granted. I feel totally unloved and unappreciated by him.
Author jennesis2 Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 What was your relationship like before? You said there was a lot of sex, but what else? I mean, how often was he sharing the household responsibilities, being a responsible adult, etc. Mutually giving and taking in the relationship equally etc. How long did that go on for and when did it stop? Before we moved in together, there was lots of sex and dinners and dates, and etc. He was very romantic and attentive. He lived an hour and a half away with the kids and would come see me a few times a week. When we moved in together, that's when the patterns of neglect started. He saw that I could take care of everything, and he was more than happy to let me. Even when I asked for help, or he saw that I was struggling, he wouldn't help me. I think he just thought he could get away with it because I love him and the kids so much. I don't think he thought I would get exasperated enough to actually leave.
hoping2heal Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 What was your relationship like before? You said there was a lot of sex, but what else? I mean, how often was he sharing the household responsibilities, being a responsible adult, etc. Mutually giving and taking in the relationship equally etc. How long did that go on for and when did it stop? Before we moved in together, there was lots of sex and dinners and dates, and etc. He was very romantic and attentive. He lived an hour and a half away with the kids and would come see me a few times a week. When we moved in together, that's when the patterns of neglect started. He saw that I could take care of everything, and he was more than happy to let me. Even when I asked for help, or he saw that I was struggling, he wouldn't help me. I think he just thought he could get away with it because I love him and the kids so much. I don't think he thought I would get exasperated enough to actually leave. So the dynamic went, as long as you were living away individually; he was attentive and loving. Once you move in; he begins immediately taking you for granted. It sounds like he has some very poor core beliefs about relationship dynamics, perhaps that he picked up from his OWN family. It seems like he's the type that will put on the ritz to GET a woman, and once he feels he HAS the woman, he believes that means okay "she has to accept me as I am now, I can be lazy, thoughtless, never go the extra mile for her, and she still has to love and honor me; cause I'm just being who I am! She should accept it!" This is false, and I know it happens a lot to both men and women. Suddenly we feel like that person won't leave for whichever reason and instead of striving to keep up the efforts prior to that level of committment; we drop the ball figuring it's time we get accepted "the way we are". Out of respect and love for our partners it's important we maintain being thoughtful, that we maintain treating our partner as an equal, and being helpful and attentive to them. Right now the only option you have is to leave, and he will either A) pick up and move on in life without you; and you need to accept that. or B) Do everything he can to win you back and then it is up to you to never let these slips continue to happen again. When he is not on his game? It is up to you to make him aware he needs to step it up. If he can't do that? Honey, you're not happy nor would anyone be in this situation and you deserve a man who is going to be loving and attentive and a great partner not just until he "has you" but always.
Author jennesis2 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 Thanks guys, So yeah, it has been a tough week. However, I have finally found the courage to move out, and my move out date is December 19th. I have chosen this date as Dec. 18th is the kids' last day of school, so that their schooling will not be jeopardized. A very good friend of mine just had her roommate move out of her two bedroom apartment, so I snapped up the space and start paying rent in November. It stinks that I have to pay a month and a half where basically just my stuff will be living there (I am still dedicated to seeing the kids through the end of their school year), but at least I know that I am really doing it, and this cycle of neglect is ending. My ex (I guess that's what he is now?) still comes home between 1-7am in the morning. I don't even see him anymore, as I leave for work while he is asleep in the kids room in the mornings, and he never comes home at night while I am awake. Soon I will be spending my weekends in my new apartment until December. It's really tough getting through this (and also trying to keep it from the kids) but I'm doing it.
VictoryisMine Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Jen, i'm coming into this thread late (just saw it). An Angel came into these chidren's lives, that is you. Whatever you do, moving out for example... they have come to love you, please keep an eye out for them. God bless the children, they don't ask for this.
Author jennesis2 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 I agree, the kids are innocent in this, but I realize fully that I am also serving as a female role model to these kids, and suffering and living with this neglect is not something I want them to think strong women do or should have to endure. I am remaining the same loving caregiver I have always been until their schooling ends, and then I must leave their lives. This is heartbreaking to me, but I think ultimately they will understand when they get older. They will also learn what is intolerable in a relationship, and that men cannot get away with treating their loving partner with disrespect and neglect. I have done nothing but love these children and their father, and I hope I have served as a positive influence in their lives. I hope that as they age, they will have fond, healthy memories of me and this time in their lives.
Author jennesis2 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 So today my (ex?) returned to our bedroom after four nights of staying out till 4-7:30am and then crashing in the girls' room. I found out afterwards that the girls had actually locked their door so that "daddy would stop sleeping in their beds and go to his own," which is probably the only reason why he did. I asked him what he was doing in our bed and what he wanted. He stated that these past four nights "he had no choice but to avoid me because I kept acting mad, and that saying that I'm moving out and leaving made him really upset." REALLY? It's like he has no concept that I am ACTUALLY going. I have already deposited my new rent, and he doesn't get it. I have no respect for this man. He's just a child running away from his problems. I have no idea what it's going to be like when he discovers that he is truly going to be left raising these three children on his own, and will (gasp) actually have to come home at night to raise them . . .
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