Lack of Sex = Likelihood of an Affair? I Call BS.

[clv0116]

Withholding emotional intimacy or sexual intimacy does contribute to the WS choice. It has not made the choice for him or her. The WS is responsible for how he or she chooses based on the situation he or she is on. Yet to sit back as the one who helped create the situation and say, "You are the only one to blame for choosing an affair" is another way of saying, "Only you decide the health of this marriage." This not only makes the BS a victim, it means that the BS never had any influence on the marriage good or bad.

 

It takes two to make a good marriage. It takes two to make a bad marriage. Choosing to withhold sex will definitely contribute to a bad marriage, and choosing sex outside of marriage contributes to a bad marriage. Both can end the marriage.

 

That's pretty to the point. In situations like this I always just say "there's enough blame to go around" but you said it more clearly.

[clv0116]

Relationships are difficult enough without one (or the other) partner deliverately making choices that will weaken the bond.

 

The OP seems to have this under control and is taking the steps needed to leave the relationship. Kudo's to her. Her partner is going to have to deal with the situation in his own way.

 

Neither is going to be having much fun for awhile. I say let this failed relationship rest in peace.

 

She's trying to exit it in a way that allows her to claim it's "not her fault", which is sort of evil-lite, but it's not atypical female behavior and most fellas are used to it. Still, sort of sucks to see how clearly it's actually planned, sort of a graduate level class in "what women do to make men go away".

[clv0116]

.... Still, I'd like to think that no matter how frustrating my sexual life may be right now, I won't cheat and cause my partner that kind of anguish. /QUOTE]

 

No, of course not, you're putting him through a whole different sort of hell. That's real love.

[Untouchable_Fire]

She's trying to exit it in a way that allows her to claim it's "not her fault", which is sort of evil-lite, but it's not atypical female behavior and most fellas are used to it. Still, sort of sucks to see how clearly it's actually planned, sort of a graduate level class in "what women do to make men go away".

 

Where do you get that? Explain: Either why you believe this... or why your crazy!

 

No, of course not, you're putting him through a whole different sort of hell. That's real love.

 

Are we talking about the same person?

[LakesideDream]

She's trying to exit it in a way that allows her to claim it's "not her fault", which is sort of evil-lite, but it's not atypical female behavior and most fellas are used to it. Still, sort of sucks to see how clearly it's actually planned, sort of a graduate level class in "what women do to make men go away".

 

 

There will always be ways to accellerate inevitable exits. After years here on LS I've begun to stop judging people for "the small stuff". If this couple was meant to be, they would have worked it out. The problems were allowed to linger past the point of no return.

 

I don't agree with the OP's original premise. It seems obvious to me that when one partner withholds sex the remaining partner will become more succeptable to affairs. Witholding sex creates a void. The universe abhors a void. At some point, those who aren't saints will begin to wander. That's not "BS" as the OP states. She is prosecuting her agenda using sex (lack of) as her primary tactic. Not laudable, but it appears successful.

 

At my age and level of experiance if something is "not right" in a relationship I know to just say so and begin making my exit. That clairity takes time to develop.

[Spark1111]

I think there are so many interesting perspectives presented in this post.

 

Many agree that if, after repeatedly communicating what one's likes and desires are, the SO STILL does not even attempt to meet those needs, is it a sexual problem?

 

Or a relationship problem?

 

Either way, I think it is a HUGE red flag that trouble and heartache lie ahead.

 

Because, after all, isn't a loving relationship about mutual satisfaction? Meeting each other's needs, whether they be sexual or emotional?

 

And certainly, unmet needs UNCOMMUNICATED is the major reasons for affairs, IMHO.

[silktricks]

Withholding emotional intimacy or sexual intimacy does contribute to the WS choice. It has not made the choice for him or her. The WS is responsible for how he or she chooses based on the situation he or she is on. Yet to sit back as the one who helped create the situation and say, "You are the only one to blame for choosing an affair" is another way of saying, "Only you decide the health of this marriage." This not only makes the BS a victim, it means that the BS never had any influence on the marriage good or bad.

James, I'm often in complete agreement with you, but as PKN often says, there are many shades of gray.

 

Picture this, husband - angry all the time, refuses MC, blames wife for anything and everything, doesn't contribute to family either financially or with time, has sex with wife often, but does not ever apparently consider if wife is satisfied.

 

Wife, spends too much time at work because of financial problems, is wrapped up with children's projects and time, is very unhappy, asks husband for mc, he refuses, interest in sex diminishes as she is never satisfied and feels like the "most convenient receptacle".

He has an affair and blames it on her "lack of interest in sex".

 

Is that fair? They've both got input into the marital problems, they're both unhappy.

It takes two to make a good marriage. It takes two to make a bad marriage.[/Quote]

No, one person can make a bad marriage all on their own.

Choosing to withhold sex will definitely contribute to a bad marriage

often, though it's not that one chooses to withhold sex, but rather that something inside of them has died.

[silktricks]

I think there are so many interesting perspectives presented in this post.

 

Many agree that if, after repeatedly communicating what one's likes and desires are, the SO STILL does not even attempt to meet those needs, is it a sexual problem?

 

Or a relationship problem?

 

Either way, I think it is a HUGE red flag that trouble and heartache lie ahead.

 

Because, after all, isn't a loving relationship about mutual satisfaction? Meeting each other's needs, whether they be sexual or emotional?

 

And certainly, unmet needs UNCOMMUNICATED is the major reasons for affairs, IMHO.

 

Uncommunicated or ignored

[Spark1111]

James, I'm often in complete agreement with you, but as PKN often says, there are many shades of gray.

 

Picture this, husband - angry all the time, refuses MC, blames wife for anything and everything, doesn't contribute to family either financially or with time, has sex with wife often, but does not ever apparently consider if wife is satisfied.

 

Wife, spends too much time at work because of financial problems, is wrapped up with children's projects and time, is very unhappy, asks husband for mc, he refuses, interest in sex diminishes as she is never satisfied and feels like the "most convenient receptacle".

He has an affair and blames it on her "lack of interest in sex".

 

Is that fair? They've both got input into the marital problems, they're both unhappy.

 

No, one person can make a bad marriage all on their own.

often, though it's not that one chooses to withhold sex, but rather that something inside of them has died.

 

Yes,or ignored. Silk, you just eloquently described my pre-affair marriage state to a "t." I am sadly, a cliche.

 

I think there is classically, "distancing" --whether emotional of physical or both! that takes place before one partner gives themselves permission to enter into an affair.

 

Typically, according to what I have read, it is the WS who pushes this envelope first, and they remain non-responsive to fixing the relationship, begin to feel trapped, and begin to look elsewhere for gratification, both sexually and emotionally.

 

I, too, begged for counseling to fix this great divide before the affair. He refused, so I went alone.

 

We still had sex, but i would describe it as mediocre in its intensity and emotional connection. I just didn't no how to fix it when he refused to go to counseling.

 

How else can you use or justify, "my marriage made me do it?"

 

So, I am still unsure of the answer to "What came first, the chicken or the egg?":bunny:

[Deanster]

I think the OP is making two fundamental, and common errors - that 'most' people think like she does, and that people clearly fall on one side of a line or another.

 

I'm continually amazed at how differently people think about things, and am still learning (often painfully) how wrong I can be by projecting my assumptions on to others, especially concerning motivation.

 

Similarly, it seems unlikely to me that the world falls neatly into two groups - cheaters and non-cheaters. In almost everything, there's a more complicated story.

 

So, I'd view this discussion as one of degrees. There are non-cheaters, like the OP, who won't cheat, regardless of the opportunity, provocation, appeal of the potential partner, or a terrible situation in their relationship. Presumably, there exist on the other end of the spectrum cheaters who will cheat at the slightest opportunity, even if happy and satisfied in their relationship.

 

But I'd imagine that most of us exist somewhere in between. Some combination of these factors come together to determine when/whether we're willing to cheat.

 

It's far too simplistic, but if you imagine that each of us has a 'cheating score', and all the elements have points, and need to add up above that score to make it happen, that's probably a good way to envision it.

 

For 'Adam', the score at the moment needs to be above 70, and frequency/quality of sex is half the score. For 'Betty', it's 30, and it's mostly about emotional closeness. For 'Charlie', it's 90, and it's a split between confidence in not getting caught, and attractiveness of the potential partner. He has a high threshold, but given total privacy and a supermodel, it's ON!

 

If you buy this scheme, then lack of sex may or may not be a major contributor to cheating, depending on who you're talking about.

 

That said, the betting man (or woman) is well advised, in my opinion, to assume that a situation with limited sexual frequency/quality raises your partner's score, and probably raises it by a fair bit. Unless you're 100% confident that your partner has a really high cheating threshold, and that sex + ALL other factors isn't enough to exceed it, you're at SERIOUS risk.

 

I'd argue that for many/most people, a poor sexual relationship alone is enough to push the score into the 'risky' zone, at least. Whether it's enough to 'cause' cheating is a more-complex question.

[JumpinJimmy]

D, yet again someone over-analyzing the obvious.

[Deanster]

Apparently not so obvious, given some of the responses on the thread...

[AlektraClementine]

I think the OP is making two fundamental, and common errors - that 'most' people think like she does, and that people clearly fall on one side of a line or another.

 

I'm continually amazed at how differently people think about things, and am still learning (often painfully) how wrong I can be by projecting my assumptions on to others, especially concerning motivation.

 

Similarly, it seems unlikely to me that the world falls neatly into two groups - cheaters and non-cheaters. In almost everything, there's a more complicated story.

 

So, I'd view this discussion as one of degrees. There are non-cheaters, like the OP, who won't cheat, regardless of the opportunity, provocation, appeal of the potential partner, or a terrible situation in their relationship. Presumably, there exist on the other end of the spectrum cheaters who will cheat at the slightest opportunity, even if happy and satisfied in their relationship.

 

But I'd imagine that most of us exist somewhere in between. Some combination of these factors come together to determine when/whether we're willing to cheat.

 

It's far too simplistic, but if you imagine that each of us has a 'cheating score', and all the elements have points, and need to add up above that score to make it happen, that's probably a good way to envision it.

 

For 'Adam', the score at the moment needs to be above 70, and frequency/quality of sex is half the score. For 'Betty', it's 30, and it's mostly about emotional closeness. For 'Charlie', it's 90, and it's a split between confidence in not getting caught, and attractiveness of the potential partner. He has a high threshold, but given total privacy and a supermodel, it's ON!

 

If you buy this scheme, then lack of sex may or may not be a major contributor to cheating, depending on who you're talking about.

 

That said, the betting man (or woman) is well advised, in my opinion, to assume that a situation with limited sexual frequency/quality raises your partner's score, and probably raises it by a fair bit. Unless you're 100% confident that your partner has a really high cheating threshold, and that sex + ALL other factors isn't enough to exceed it, you're at SERIOUS risk.

 

I'd argue that for many/most people, a poor sexual relationship alone is enough to push the score into the 'risky' zone, at least. Whether it's enough to 'cause' cheating is a more-complex question.

 

This is a great response. Really. And you're absolutely right. I can't make the world black and white just because my world is. Because I see things so "either/or", it's hard for me to understand another point of view. Not impossible, just hard. My poor sexual life won't increase my likelihood of cheating. That's a fact. But I'm now thinking that it's arrogant of me to presume the same for anyone else.

[HisSweetThing]

Apparently not so obvious, given some of the responses on the thread...

 

I loved your post! Very nicely done.