Lack of Sex = Likelihood of an Affair? I Call BS.

[AlektraClementine]

I appreciate all the feedback but this thread is soooo out of whack. I didn't start this thread for any other reason than I saw a thread some dude posted about his wife not giving it up anymore and he was contemplating an affair. I offered details of my own sexual life that I felt helped to support my initial claim.

 

I'm not looking for advice. I'm not punishing him. This isn't a power play. I'm hoping we fix it but that'll be up to us.

 

Again, whether you do or not, I take my engagement very seriously.

[AlektraClementine]

Also - I am so sick of everyone's answer on LS being "not working out. get out of the relationship". Doesn't ANYONE try to solve issues anymore? Our sex life used to be good. It's going through a bad patch. I hope to fix it. THERE. Enough of the speculation.

 

I take responsibility for posting an unclear thread and letting it get all off course.

[Lizzie60]

For a change.. I have not read all the thread.. just a few at the beginning...

 

Methink that lack of sex is probably No. 1 cause of infidelity. I know there are many many many more reasons.. but a sexless M is No.1 reason for sure.

 

I've been talking to a looott of MMs.. and they would NOT stray if they had sex at home.. because in most cases, everything else is great.. they have a good life, great kids (that both parents adore), friends... they built a comfortable financial life together.. but in the sex department it's NOT good..

 

Men are easily satisfied in life.. IMO.. MOST wouldn't cheat if they had sex at least 3 times a week.. and I'm not talking about 'pity' sex.. I mean good sex.. I'm absolutely positive that they wouldn't go outside..

[clv0116]

Men are easily satisfied in life.. IMO.. MOST wouldn't cheat if they had sex at least 3 times a week.. and I'm not talking about 'pity' sex.. I mean good sex.. I'm absolutely positive that they wouldn't go outside..

 

We're sort of like plants, food, water, sex. Simple really.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Also - I am so sick of everyone's answer on LS being "not working out. get out of the relationship". Doesn't ANYONE try to solve issues anymore? Our sex life used to be good. It's going through a bad patch. I hope to fix it. THERE. Enough of the speculation.

 

I take responsibility for posting an unclear thread and letting it get all off course.

 

 

No you did not post an unclear thread..... You let us in on your issues and have swept them under the carpet or are completely oblivious. Don't want advice, that's fine, but ignoring or not addressing your issues is your problem.

 

I actually find it very funny that you are so lost.

 

I do however wish you the best and hope all works out.

[JamesM]

Also - I am so sick of everyone's answer on LS being "not working out. get out of the relationship". Doesn't ANYONE try to solve issues anymore?

 

This we agree on.

 

In my thread and in many others, the quick answer is...divorce. And to you and to anyone who has troubles in a relationship: working through the problem is the best way for your future well being in so many ways. Walking away before every option has been exhausted teaches nothing and leaves many questions at best. At worst it means leaving what could have been the most satisfying relationship of your life.

[NoIDidn't]

I appreciate all the feedback but this thread is soooo out of whack. I didn't start this thread for any other reason than I saw a thread some dude posted about his wife not giving it up anymore and he was contemplating an affair. I offered details of my own sexual life that I felt helped to support my initial claim.

 

I'm not looking for advice. I'm not punishing him. This isn't a power play. I'm hoping we fix it but that'll be up to us.

 

Again, whether you do or not, I take my engagement very seriously.

 

I agree. This thread has gotten extremely off track because people started dealing with their issues in it instead of just answering the question you asked.

 

I especially loved how when you said if he cheats, its not your problem, how you were then jumped on for ignoring issues in your relationship. I agree with you. If he cheats, its his decision. A decision he made. Cheating is never the "fault" of the betrayed. I'm surprised at some of the posters that are saying that it is.

 

And the fact that someone doesn't know the difference between a "fiance" and a "boyfriend".

 

No worries, Alektra. Some of us are paying attention. You only wanted opinions, not advice on a personal situation.

[clv0116]

I especially loved how when you said if he cheats, its not your problem,

 

....

 

And the fact that someone doesn't know the difference between a "fiance" and a "boyfriend".

 

Pot. Kettle. Black.

[NoIDidn't]

Pot. Kettle. Black.

 

I wish I knew what you were talking about.

 

Wait. No, I don't.

[JamesM]

If he cheats, its his decision. A decision he made. Cheating is never the "fault" of the betrayed. I'm surprised at some of the posters that are saying that it is.

 

 

NID, I like and admire you. I respect your opinions and actually agree with you many times.

 

Yet here I think you miss the finer points brought out by some and probably me.

 

A cheater chooses to cheat. He or she is not some robot that cannot deviate from some chosen path based on circumstances "programmed" into him or her.

 

However, the one thing that cannot be ignored is that many (not all) cheaters choose an affair because of the circumstances in which they find themselves. It has already been said so I won't belabor the point, but once more... Many affairs would not happen if the circumstances had been completely different.

 

Let's choose a different scenario than sex. Say a woman named Jane finds herself in a marriage in which the husband has no time to sit down and listen to her. She repeatedly has mentioned to him that she feels distant from him because he never spends time just talking. Today for example, he would rather watch the Minnesota Twins play the Detroit Tigers (big game tonight ).

 

But today, she sits down with her coworker, Tom, who listens and understands. He, too, is in a marriage where his wife is distant from him but in his case, it is sexually. So they talk and talk. They find that both begin looking forward to this reprieve from life.

 

And you know the rest of the story. Step by step they find themselves infatuated with one another. One day, they find that they both chose to further their intimacy through sex.

 

An affair has begun.

 

Both chose the affair. BUT...both had circumstances that set up the scenario for this to occur.

 

Now it is obvious that based on my example, much could have been done to prevent this scenario and instead both could have worked harder on their marriage. Both chose a path that will lead to nothing but heartbreak.

 

Yet why? Did they both simply become so frustrated that they gave up? Did they actually begin their friendship as a way to repair their marriages?

 

While they chose the affair, their partners did nothing to change the situation that set up the affair.

 

Point being....most affairs do not happen in a vacuum. They happen because of external factors which cause that choice to be the one considered most attractive.

 

I for one would never say that the BS is at fault while the WS is simply a victim of circumstances. In fact, being in a situation where an affair could be attractive, then I say that the WS can actually avoid an affair by simply knowing the vulnerability he or she has. However, I also know that people don't begin their day by saying, "Today I will look for someone to have an affair with." Instead most start because the affair partner becomes a confidant to fill a void caused by the marriage.

 

And on the flip side, one cannot logically say that the BS sits helplessly by while his or her partner strays. I think most would agree that addressing the issues that are crippling the marriage would actually keep that partner from straying. In our example, Jane would not have sat down with her coworker and discussed the intimate details of her life and marriage if her husband had found her more important. Husbands tend to take their wives for granted more so than wives do their husbands. Many husbands complain of no sex, while choosing to "make love" to their remotes instead of their wives.

 

Tom would not have appeared attractive to Jane nor Jane to Tom if their partners had done more. Yet one cannot avoid the fact that perhaps Tom and Jane could have focused more time on their partners, too.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

 

A cheater chooses to cheat. He or she is not some robot that cannot deviate from some chosen path based on circumstances "programmed" into him or her.

 

However, the one thing that cannot be ignored is that many (not all) cheaters choose an affair because of the circumstances in which they find themselves. It has already been said so I won't belabor the point, but once more... Many affairs would not happen if the circumstances had been completely different.

 

Let's choose a different scenario than sex. Say a woman named Jane finds herself in a marriage in which the husband has no time to sit down and listen to her. She repeatedly has mentioned to him that she feels distant from him because he never spends time just talking. Today for example, he would rather watch the Minnesota Twins play the Detroit Tigers (big game tonight ).

 

But today, she sits down with her coworker, Tom, who listens and understands. He, too, is in a marriage where his wife is distant from him but in his case, it is sexually. So they talk and talk. They find that both begin looking forward to this reprieve from life.

 

And you know the rest of the story. Step by step they find themselves infatuated with one another. One day, they find that they both chose to further their intimacy through sex.

 

An affair has begun.

 

Both chose the affair. BUT...both had circumstances that set up the scenario for this to occur.

 

Now it is obvious that based on my example, much could have been done to prevent this scenario and instead both could have worked harder on their marriage. Both chose a path that will lead to nothing but heartbreak.

 

Yet why? Did they both simply become so frustrated that they gave up? Did they actually begin their friendship as a way to repair their marriages?

 

While they chose the affair, their partners did nothing to change the situation that set up the affair.

 

Point being....most affairs do not happen in a vacuum. They happen because of external factors which cause that choice to be the one considered most attractive.

 

I for one would never say that the BS is at fault while the WS is simply a victim of circumstances. In fact, being in a situation where an affair could be attractive, then I say that the WS can actually avoid an affair by simply knowing the vulnerability he or she has. However, I also know that people don't begin their day by saying, "Today I will look for someone to have an affair with." Instead most start because the affair partner becomes a confidant to fill a void caused by the marriage.

 

And on the flip side, one cannot logically say that the BS sits helplessly by while his or her partner strays. I think most would agree that addressing the issues that are crippling the marriage would actually keep that partner from straying. In our example, Jane would not have sat down with her coworker and discussed the intimate details of her life and marriage if her husband had found her more important. Husbands tend to take their wives for granted more so than wives do their husbands. Many husbands complain of no sex, while choosing to "make love" to their remotes instead of their wives.

 

Tom would not have appeared attractive to Jane nor Jane to Tom if their partners had done more. Yet one cannot avoid the fact that perhaps Tom and Jane could have focused more time on their partners, too.

 

As we know on this site Jane and Tom only need to talk and we know it is an EA, which can be worse then an affair.

 

I still see no one replying to my posts, which I find fascinating.

 

The point is there are cheaters and very little chance they can be rehabilitated;). Most affairs however are the result of circumstances that you outline...... The #1 reason being not enough sex (maybe not good enough)..... For women it is feeling ignored and communication issues.

 

The OP looked at the question with a very narrow definition and then opens up about her issues, where imo both have valid reasons to have affairs.

 

She: He doesn't care enough, is so shallow and narcissistic, that even told he is not satisfying her, he has not done anything to rectify the situation.

 

He: She has told him there is no sex 'til you are able to satisfy me (paraphrasing), which means little or no sex...

 

So both have a reason to cheat. There is one website that caters specifically to attracting cheaters so there is no pretense and that the members don't want to leave their spouse, just want the discrete physical relationship.

[Dexter Morgan]

Because, clearly, everyone is alike and that means they're just like you, right?

 

nope, stating it from my POV. nice try.

[Dexter Morgan]

I do???? Can you point out where I condone someone cheating?? You made the claim now back it up.

 

I know this challenge was posted to donna, but I can tell you that you condoned your OWN cheating and justified it to the hills.

 

No, I'm not going to waste time going back and reposting your own words for you. Its all there and anyone can go fetch them.

[Dexter Morgan]

Also - I am so sick of everyone's answer on LS being "not working out. get out of the relationship". Doesn't ANYONE try to solve issues anymore?

 

 

solve it how? by wondering if cheating is justified, or a "reason"??

 

by all means, solve your problem, speak up, but if the "solution", or desire is to cheat, then why NOT leave the relationship? Why cheat?

[bullhunter]

However, the one thing that cannot be ignored is that many (not all) cheaters choose an affair because of the circumstances in which they find themselves. It has already been said so I won't belabor the point, but once more...Many affairs would not happen if the circumstances had been completely different.

 

 

 

Point being....most affairs do not happen in a vacuum. They happen because of external factors which cause that choice to be the one considered most attractive.

 

 

And on the flip side, one cannot logically say that the BS sits helplessly by while his or her partner strays. I think most would agree that addressing the issues that are crippling the marriage would actually keep that partner from straying.

 

This is an interesting thread. I've left the above pieces of this post as I consider them crucial.

 

First, I'd say that in some points I agree in substance with the theory posted by the OP, that it is not lack of sex that causes an affair, but rather (to put it in my words) lack of something (often sex) coupled with a personality that accepts the idea that an affair is a reasonable way to address the issue at hand. The issue is not always a lack of sex. For example, an emotional affair does not revolve around sex but intimacy.

 

The problems that led to my affair were not truly sexual in nature. We had sex often, but I felt my wife no longer desired me. After the fact when we actually talked about our problems I found that she felt the same about me. I was angry, she was angry. I chose to have an affair, she did not. We were both in the same equally unhappy marriage.

 

However, had I not been missing something, I would not have chosen to have the affair. It's not a simple equation for most people. Lack of sex = affair doesn't equate simply. Marriage - <something> + (personality which gives permission to selfishness) - communication + (spouse with their own issues which are not being addressed) = affair may be a slightly more accurate equation.

[Dexter Morgan]

While they chose the affair, their partners did nothing to change the situation that set up the affair.

 

Point being....most affairs do not happen in a vacuum. They happen because of external factors which cause that choice to be the one considered most attractive.

 

I for one would never say that the BS is at fault

 

in so many words, you did say the BS is at fault.

 

Ok, now I know you will come back and say that isn't what you are saying, but come on. The whole post smacks of, "the BS pushed the WS into an affair".

 

 

while the WS is simply a victim of circumstances.

 

oh is that all they were? They were the victims here, therefore of course its understandable that they get it elsewhere:rolleyes:

 

dayum. I wish now I could go back and do things differently and realize that since I was sexually neglected in my marriage, I could have gone out and had a grand old time and still be considered a victim. hindsight is 20/20.

[AlektraClementine]

No you did not post an unclear thread..... You let us in on your issues and have swept them under the carpet or are completely oblivious. Don't want advice, that's fine, but ignoring or not addressing your issues is your problem.

 

Honestly, my reason for letting you all in on my issues is this. I read a thread where a guy was getting no sex, so he wanted to have an affair. I read that thread and said to myself "hmm, I'm having sexual issues but I an affair hasn't crossed my mind at all". At that point I decided to start a thread of my own to discuss whether or not the 2 are in fact related. My contention is that while it's a good "out" to justify an affair in the cheater's mind, it's not the reason. My contention is that people cheat because they are selfish.

 

Believe it or not, by reading the responses (specifically from James), I understand that it's not so black and white. And I don't think that James is your typical potential cheater. I think he's exhausted a lot of effort in his personal situation and I can admit that I'm not in his shoes. I'm only 32. I've got a lot of years to learn more things.

 

There are those, though who exhaust nothing to better their relationship before deciding to step out. Mostly because they are emotionally stunted. And they'd rather live in a world of justifications and excuses instead of owning the lives they chose.

 

 

I actually find it very funny that you are so lost.

This is a hefty statement to make given that you don't really know me.

 

I do however wish you the best and hope all works out.

This is passive-aggressive patronization at it's finest. I don't believe for a second that you really feel this way.

[AlektraClementine]

solve it how? by wondering if cheating is justified, or a "reason"??

 

by all means, solve your problem, speak up, but if the "solution", or desire is to cheat, then why NOT leave the relationship? Why cheat?

 

Dexter, my original thread states clearly that I don't believe that cheating is ever justified.

[pkn06002]

I do so love the desperate need some people need to make this whole subject black/white or right vs. wrong where it really is shades of gray.

 

I also love the whole desperate need to place blame and to claim the moral high ground.

[Dexter Morgan]

I do so love the desperate need some people need to make this whole subject black/white or right vs. wrong where it really is shades of gray.

 

I also love the whole desperate need to place blame and to claim the moral high ground.

 

Like the blame you placed on your wife for your affair?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I think this is the most appropriate place for this thread.

 

I'd like to open a dialogue about whether or not lack of sex or incompatibilities in your sexual relationship is what really drives people to affairs. My contention is that it's a complete and total BS answer. I think certain personalities are capable of affairs and promise breaking (on that grand of a scale) and some personalities are not. I'm open to the possibility that I'm wrong but it's going to take a strong argument to the contrary for me to be convinced.

 

I am currently gravely dissatisfied with my sex life. My fiance does not put the effort in to make sure that I enjoy sex as much as he does. I rarely climax with him. I've communicated the issue to him and offered ideas for resolution. He has thus far tried none of my ideas. I am unwilling to have sex with him at present. I'm done being a warm body. I am not looking to loveshack to help me resolve this at this time. Another thread possibly later.

 

I offer marginal details of my own situation to explain my contention. The farthest thing from my mind right now is an affair. My mind isn't working that way. Not satisfied with sex life with current partner = go get it somewhere else. It hasn't occurred to me at all throughout this to consider seeking someone else. I understand the need for sexual gratification. I want it. I take care of it myself currently. It's not sex that I want. It's satisfying sex with HIM, that I want.

 

Someone pointed out something in another thread that was absolutely true. People complain about their partners shutting down on them sexually. Immediately their brain says "well, i guess I should look outside the relationship for it." Do they ever ask themselves WHY they've shut down? When's the last time you satisfied them? People don't typically stop participating in activities that they enjoy and that bring THEM pleasure

 

So. My question is. Are you SURE that lack of sex is what's causing you to think about an affair or could it be that you're just plain ole' selfish.

 

Please try to refrain from making this a gender comparison. If you believe one gender's likelihood of infidelity is greater, then you should also subsequently believe that that gender shouldn't consider marriage. Unequal playing field, yadda yadda.

 

I just highlighted the relevant points in the post and it is amazing that she claims it is not about her and her relationship but it is all about her and being in a relationship where she is not satisfied sexually and he is not willing to improve the situation.

 

I am amazed re-reading the OP and I can't understand the point, unless it is another backhanded insult that men are lousy in bed and not willing to do anything about it, even when told (thus another often heard retort that men are bad listeners).

 

Both the OP and her "fiance" have my blessing to go cheat......

[AlektraClementine]

I do so love the desperate need some people need to make this whole subject black/white or right vs. wrong where it really is shades of gray.

 

I also love the whole desperate need to place blame and to claim the moral high ground.

 

I think people either claim the moral high ground when it comes to this issue or they justify cheating as a means. There's the real black and white.

 

I wager that those who justify it have either done it or are thinking seriously about doing it. I wager that those who claim the moral high ground don't have a history of cheating. BTW, what's so wrong with the moral high ground, here?

[JumpinJimmy]

Toodamnpragmatic other wordy responders.

 

Most people are overthinking and overwriting about the obvious. The original poster questioned if people have affairs based on bad/lack of sex. I am sure that some people do, but the vast majority of men and women have affairs for different reasons. Women rarely have it based on a sex issues alone. For them it is getting their emotional needs, that are lacking in their current relationship, fufilled by another. For men, it is the thrill of the chase or their desire to have sex with as many women as possible. The rest of it is just fluff... filler crap particuliarly for the men. If MM says he loves another women, 90% of the time it is get to the PA part or to string it along. The OW/MW give in to the sex to get their EA part. Read between the lines on most of these threads, and look at the end result of 90% of the affairs posted in the infidelity/OP forums. When the chips are down in the end, the MM lied to the OW and choose to work on their miserable marriage..the MW puts the effort into their marriage and manages to get some emotional needs met, at least temporary...the sex with the AP was a side note. My affair with a MW was the same thing, and I was a 23 yr old with a live in girlfriend who had as much sex as he could possibly need, and the MW had a cold, emotionless marriage. Same broken record.

[pkn06002]

Like the blame you placed on your wife for your affair?

 

LOL!!!!!

 

This is not my thread, so not going to play with you. Your bitterness is tiring to me and counter productive to leaving my past where it belongs.

 

But I will answer you this, shades of gray. Views change over time.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, my original thread states clearly that I don't believe that cheating is ever justified.

 

I know, but then you are denouncing the severing of a relationship in the event that all is lost. THEN the thing to do WOULD be to leave the relationship.

 

so if you are wondering if lack of sex is a "reason" to cheat, and are sick of people that say "leave the relationship" if the alternative is to cheat.....well?