Lack of Sex = Likelihood of an Affair? I Call BS.

[clv0116]

See this is where the legal status of single makes this an easy call.

 

If the OP wants to be this way her finance should back his bags and get out before he is legally tied to her.

 

I can't imagine why he's sticking around, honestly. This is not going to change for the better as time passes, he should probably count his blessings for finding out before being legally entangled.

 

His apparent sexual incompetence is another matter entirely.

[clv0116]

I don't agree. If he chooses to cheat because she gives an ultimatum regarding the sex life, then he has made a choice BASED ON THE OPTIONS GIVEN TO HIM.

 

"Do it my way, or there is no sex."

 

While I understand your reasons, AC, I cannot agree that it would not lead to an affair for your fiancee.

 

"Not my fault" is such a slippery set of weasel words. It may not be "her fault" but to pretend she's not creating the situation is silly. In industrial safety, the principle is that first, there is an unsafe condition, next, if it or similar conditions persist, there will be an incident where harm may or may not occur. Eventually, left in this state, there will be an accident.

 

She has set up the condition, incidents will inevitably follow if the condition is not corrected.

[AlektraClementine]

I don't agree. If he chooses to cheat because she gives an ultimatum regarding the sex life, then he has made a choice BASED ON THE OPTIONS GIVEN TO HIM.

 

"Do it my way, or there is no sex."

 

While I understand your reasons, AC, I cannot agree that it would not lead to an affair for your fiancee.

 

Here's where the branch splits for me.

 

Let's say we have a cheater. If they are catered to sexually, the likelihood of them cheating may decrease, while if they are not catered to sexually, the likelihood increases. Okay, I'll buy that.

 

But there ARE people in this world who are NOT cheaters. The sexual catering or lack thereof...has no bearing on this particular value. Sure, it may frustrate them to no end, but would they ever cheat? I won't. I know this for certain.

 

My sexual needs are not being met any more than my fiance's. I will not cheat. I've no desire to look elsewhere. And that, is where the difference lies in cheaters vs non-cheaters. My sexual needs will not get met by going outside of my relationship. Because what I want is not an orgasm, but an orgasm with my partner.

 

I think cheaters will cheat. No matter what. TBF's former marriage is a great example of this. My former marriage is also a great example of this. I was married. We grew unhappy. We divorced. No cheating. Because neither one of us had it in us to lie in a bed with someone else while committed to one another.

[AlektraClementine]

People, I ask with all due respect that you read the thread and comment appropriately. I'm getting the distinct impression that some of you are simply commenting to be ugly.

 

If I'm not responding to you directly, that's probably why. I respect your right to post in my thread but I'd like it very much if you could keep it civil.

[pkn06002]

Here's where the branch splits for me.

 

Let's say we have a cheater. If they are catered to sexually, the likelihood of them cheating may decrease, while if they are not catered to sexually, the likelihood increases. Okay, I'll buy that.

 

But there ARE people in this world who are NOT cheaters. The sexual catering or lack thereof...has no bearing on this particular value. Sure, it may frustrate them to no end, but would they ever cheat? I won't. I know this for certain.

 

My sexual needs are not being met any more than my fiance's. I will not cheat. I've no desire to look elsewhere. And that, is where the difference lies in cheaters vs non-cheaters. My sexual needs will not get met by going outside of my relationship. Because what I want is not an orgasm, but an orgasm with my partner.

 

I think cheaters will cheat. No matter what. TBF's former marriage is a great example of this. My former marriage is also a great example of this. I was married. We grew unhappy. We divorced. No cheating. Because neither one of us had it in us to lie in a bed with someone else while committed to one another.

 

Sounds like you want to marry a Priest.

[AlektraClementine]

Sounds like you want to marry a Priest.

 

Not sure I follow.

[clv0116]

Here's where the branch splits for me.

 

Let's say we have a cheater. If they are catered to sexually, the likelihood of them cheating may decrease, while if they are not catered to sexually, the likelihood increases. Okay, I'll buy that.

 

But there ARE people in this world who are NOT cheaters.

 

You're setting up a false dichotomy there. Those two classes of people exist, but they are in my opinion not exemplary of many, perhaps the majority of men. Guys in my experience just don't cheat unless they're not getting it at home. Many of them seem to be unable to communicate that to their wives, it's true, but they ALWAYS make comments about how they're not getting any.

 

For instance, one friend said something years before he cheated to the effect that his wife was pregnant again and he was pretty amazed that could happen without him getting any. I assume he was exaggerating, not accusing her of cheating. The implication was that he wasn't getting much loving at home. For years.

 

Is it a good reason? No. Will it strongly contribute to cheating? Of course. He was visibly upset about his lack of a warm home life, for years.

 

In another case a goofy little guy I was friends with put up with a sexless marriage for decades. Decades. He never cheated and he's an exemplary guy in my opinion and that of many others. But he's atypical.

[pkn06002]

Not sure I follow.

 

That sex should mean little and celibacy for the sake of your partner should be accepted. Like when a Priest goes celibate for the love of God.

 

That fighting the daemon of desire and staying true is like a test that shows how true you are to the relationship.

 

You are setting up a test to see if your man is true to you. Then wanting to state the if sex makes you look else where you are weak and morally faulty. Where the physical activity of sex is just a minor component of what sex brings. Yet you expect that people should accept the notion of denial and be happy with it and that shows how moral/pure (whatever) they are.

 

What I do find interesting is how you are focusing on the physical aspect of sex instead of the emotional part of it. Getting someone off is easy making that emotional connection is the hard part.

[Dexter Morgan]

I think this is the most appropriate place for this thread.

 

I'd like to open a dialogue about whether or not lack of sex or incompatibilities in your sexual relationship is what really drives people to affairs.

 

lack of sex is just an excuse for those who would have wanted to actually screw someone else anyway.

 

cause if lack of sex was a "reason" that drives people to affairs, then I would have cheated many times over.

[Snowflower]

 

You are setting up a test to see if your man is true to you. Then wanting to state the if sex makes you look else where you are weak and morally faulty. Where the physical activity of sex is just a minor component of what sex brings. Yet you expect that people should accept the notion of denial and be happy with it and that shows how moral/pure (whatever) they are.

 

What I do find interesting is how you are focusing on the physical aspect of sex instead of the emotional part of it. Getting someone off is easy making that emotional connection is the hard part.

 

This is an interesting and differnt way of looking at this dilemma--and I think this is an assumption that many women make about their men.

 

pkn, it's good to see you back on these boards again!

[pkn06002]

Alektra says her sexual needs aren't being met. Are some of you missing that, or just ignoring the statement? If you DIDN'T miss it, are you saying she would be justified in screwing around behind her H's back?

 

She is NOT MARRIED!!!!!

 

She is free to walk away and find someone more fitting to her needs.

 

The wonder of being legally single.

 

But to make her boyfriend play celibate priest to punish him helps their relationship how?

 

She is getting sex just not the way she wants it. That is more than a lot of married people get at all.

[mem11363]

The world does not split neatly into cheaters/non cheaters. It splits into:

- cheaters: they cheat no matter what you do (about 15-20 percent of population)

- non cheaters: they never cheat no matter what you do (about 10 percent of the population)

- potential cheaters: (more then half the population) denied love at home - for whatever reasons - they will either seek it out or at minimum respond to it from other people

 

I am not making a moral judgement about any of this. Simply describing how people actually behave. SOME people in the potential cheater bucket will factor in the reason for a sexless relationship in how they react. But most, long term won't care why they are being denied, they just feel unloved and react accordingly.

 

I am in the potential cheater bucket - though there would be quite of a bit of screaming fury to try and fix things before I went outside. Going outside would be a very, very distasteful thing for me to do.

 

 

 

 

 

People, I ask with all due respect that you read the thread and comment appropriately. I'm getting the distinct impression that some of you are simply commenting to be ugly.

 

If I'm not responding to you directly, that's probably why. I respect your right to post in my thread but I'd like it very much if you could keep it civil.

[clv0116]

lack of sex is just an excuse for those who would have wanted to actually screw someone else anyway.

 

cause if lack of sex was a "reason" that drives people to affairs, then I would have cheated many times over.

 

Because, clearly, everyone is alike and that means they're just like you, right?

[clv0116]

The world does not split neatly into cheaters/non cheaters. It splits into:

- cheaters: they cheat no matter what you do (about 15-20 percent of population)

- non cheaters: they never cheat no matter what you do (about 10 percent of the population)

- potential cheaters: (more then half the population) denied love at home - for whatever reasons - they will either seek it out or at minimum respond to it from other people

 

I am not making a moral judgement about any of this. Simply describing how people actually behave. SOME people in the potential cheater bucket will factor in the reason for a sexless relationship in how they react. But most, long term won't care why they are being denied, they just feel unloved and react accordingly.

 

Very well put. Emphasis added.

[pkn06002]

lack of sex is just an excuse for those who would have wanted to actually screw someone else anyway.

 

cause if lack of sex was a "reason" that drives people to affairs, then I would have cheated many times over.

 

Sounds like you and the OP would be a perfect fit.

[clv0116]

....are you saying she would be justified in screwing around behind her H's back?

 

She doesn't have a husband, she has a boyfriend, and she'd be completely justified in walking away but apparently, like a lot of women, she's loathe to be the "bad guy" so she's gonna push his buttons until he leaves or gets what he needs someplace else. Then she can be all broken up because he cheated/left her. The poor little delicate flower.

[pkn06002]

Just because someone IS married doesn't mean they are in ball and chains. They, too, are "free to walk away and find someone more fitting to their needs."

 

"Getting sex" doesn't mean anything good for her.

 

So then we'll say "does that mean she should feel free to screw around behind her BOYFRIEND'S back.

 

Humm really?

 

Tell me how much does it cost to just walk away when you are married vs. engaged?

 

What lack of physical skills is enough for her to test her finance? Wow talk about selfish.

 

So you are condoning that she cheat to get her needs meet? Interesting, I thought you were against cheating.

[clv0116]

And, like a participator in this thread, who has a wife but WAS (and probably continues) screwing around behind HER back, HE could have left. But no. He feels justified for some odd reason.

 

Honestly, I don't follow this at all, maybe I'm just not following the LS soap opera updates closely enough.

 

 

 

Ahhh, the justification by some but NOT given by them to others is SOOOO hypocritical.

 

This I'll try to unravel, at least to the extent that no, I don't believe two wrongs make a right if that's what you're implying. I'm just saying that to contribute to the pain of someone I love would be unthinkable to me, and I don't understand or condone anyone else doing it. Denying sex is torturous for some people, I know it is for me, and I've ended a relationship over it.

 

Would it absolve a cheater of blame? Of course not. It's possible for multiple people to share blame and this would likely be one of those cases.

[pkn06002]

Ahhh, the almighty dollar is your justification point then. Gotcha.

 

And no - I don't condone cheating. I think that's painfully obvious. I was merely observing the one sided justifications (good for the guys but NOT for the women) and wondering WTF.

 

Sorry the all mighty dollar is a component of marriage and frankly a bit more realistic than the squishy idea of love.

 

What is good for guys and not for woman??? You mean the sex??? Maybe her man just has low expectations.

 

Again she is can easily pack her stuff and find someone more sexually compatible. Which will not be as easy once they get married then things like the mighty dollar keep them from divorcing.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Of course I would. And I do. I don't disagree that sex is a responsibility in a marriage.

 

You have no children, are not married, have a fiance you talk to and have told that things are not working in the bedroom because of him and he doesn't care to make things better, so you are withholding sex, which you should as long as he is stubborn about the situation.

 

So you don't want to do anything and have posted what is a silly question in the context of your situation.

 

There are plenty of reasons for sexual incompatibility and we have read about couples having peaks and valleys in their sexual clocks. Here though you have the communication and you have the ability and willingness to have sex and enjoy it if he can get you "off" and he does not want to invest the time or effort to do so.

 

You have huge problems in a relationship if that is the case.

 

This is indicative of many posters who can't see an issue that is as plain as the tip of their nose and continue to scream that others are missing the point. This is about you and a very unique situation that exists just for you.

 

Okay women, please chime in.... How many of you have spouses, no financial or family constraints (i.e. kids) keeping you with your fiance/spouse upset that your SO is not satisfying you in bed, knows that is the case but doesn't care and you are okay with that and won't leave him, but have told him no to sex????

 

Show of hands please......

Edited October 5, 2009 by Toodamnpragmatic

[JamesM]

Just because someone IS married doesn't mean they are in ball and chains. They, too, are "free to walk away and find someone more fitting to their needs."

 

 

As I think you know, it is much easier to walk away before marriage than after...especially if there are kids involved.

 

And, like a participator in this thread, who has a wife but WAS (and probably continues) screwing around behind HER back, HE could have left. But no. He feels justified for some odd reason.

 

First off, neither condoning nor affirming said poster's past, this doesn't change this thread's premise. Affairs are caused by unhappiness in a relationship, and one of those factors is a lack of sex. While sometimes, it is a perceived lack of sex (ie not getting it every day), other times it is a real lack (ie not getting it for months and no end of drought in sight).

 

Second, not all affairs are started by someone who WANTS to leave. In fact, many affairs are started to prevent a divorce. In a twisted way, the affair is the way to relieve the pressure of what is missing in the marriage. The hope is still alive that the marriage will change. Perhaps some need is not being met and the affair happens simply to fulfill that need. (Haven't we heard of the husband who loves his wife more than the affair partner, or the woman whose affair partner is someone she would never marry? )

 

Unfortunately, as affair participants soon find, the affair creates new problems. It usually by itself does nothing but make a situation worse. It may actually resolve issues and create a new marriage, but it does so at a great cost. This does not mean that an affair is still the answer.

 

What is interesting to see is...why would anyone set up a situation where an affair could result? Is it a test perhaps?

 

As Dexter said, some never cheat, and some cheat no matter what. And as mem pointed out, most cheat based on the situation in which they find themselves.

 

If we are with the one we love, then why would we want to place them in a situation where they even consider such a temptation?

[pkn06002]

I think I see why you and your W are no longer in tune, at least IMO.

 

LOL how little you know

 

 

No. Cheating if the sex is no good. No sex = no good sex. Lousy sex (because someone is self absorbed, perhaps) = no good sex.

 

You would condone cheating for men getting no sex but you don't condone cheating for a woman who has lousy sex because her partner just cares too much about himself to MAKE it good for her. I mean, a guy can ALWAYS get off, as long as he has a woman he can hold down long enough.

 

I do???? Can you point out where I condone someone cheating?? You made the claim now back it up.

 

Again, that's merely justification for some to do what they don't condone for others. No one can stop anyone from divorcing. This is the US. We have laws.

 

This statement makes no sense, can you expand it? Sure we have laws that allow for divorce if you feel the price is cheap enough to pay it.

 

Seems you are condoning cheating which is very weird.

[clv0116]

Maybe Alektra has the same reasons for staying in her UNmarried relationship.

 

She's afraid she'll end up supporting a person she no longer loves indefinitely? How would that happen?

[Snowflower]

 

First off, neither condoning nor affirming said poster's past, this doesn't change this thread's premise. Affairs are caused by unhappiness in a relationship, and one of those factors is a lack of sex. While sometimes, it is a perceived lack of sex (ie not getting it every day), other times it is a real lack (ie not getting it for months and no end of drought in sight).

 

Second, not all affairs are started by someone who WANTS to leave. In fact, many affairs are started to prevent a divorce. In a twisted way, the affair is the way to relieve the pressure of what is missing in the marriage. The hope is still alive that the marriage will change. Perhaps some need is not being met and the affair happens simply to fulfill that need. (Haven't we heard of the husband who loves his wife more than the affair partner, or the woman whose affair partner is someone she would never marry? )

 

Unfortunately, as affair participants soon find, the affair creates new problems. It usually by itself does nothing but make a situation worse. It may actually resolve issues and create a new marriage, but it does so at a great cost. This does not mean that an affair is still the answer.

 

 

Basically, when a marriage or relationship (as in Alektra's situation) is missing something crucial, be it sex, an emotional connection, unmet needs, etc, one of four things will usually happen. And none of these are healthy options for the future of the marriage/relationship.

 

1. Suck it up and continue as you have been...hoping for a change (i.e., more sex, more emotional connection, or whatever is lacking in the relationship).

 

2. Closely related to #1, continue as you have been but get couples counseling, read self-help books, communicate with each other. This is always advocated but it isn't realistic oftentimes. There is no guarantee of any success/resolution of the problem. And as James mentions, this approach might have already been tried to no avail.

 

3. Have an affair to get what you are missing. Probably the most painful and destructive option but as these forum boards attest, many people somehow 'choose' this option. However, this option creates more problems than it solves as James describes above.

 

4. Divorce/separation/break-up: but again, many times the unhappy spouse/partner still loves their SO and would like to continue the relationship/marriage.

 

None of these choices is easy and if you as the unhappy partner truly wants to save the relationship, despite what is missing, then what do you do? There is no easy answer.

 

After d-day, I asked my husband why he just didn't divorce me instead of having an affair if he was that unhappy (and he was unhappy pre-affair, I just chose not to see it). My husband said that despite everything, he didn't want a divorce and he still wanted our marriage. No, he wasn't a cake-eater...not everyone who participates in an A is-sometimes they are unhappy and confused.

 

What my H has said reminds me of some of the posts on this thread.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I think I see why you and your W are no longer in tune, at least IMO.

 

 

 

No. Cheating if the sex is no good. No sex = no good sex. Lousy sex (because someone is self absorbed, perhaps) = no good sex.

 

You would condone cheating for men getting no sex but you don't condone cheating for a woman who has lousy sex because her partner just cares too much about himself to MAKE it good for her. I mean, a guy can ALWAYS get off, as long as he has a woman he can hold down long enough.

 

 

 

Again, that's merely justification for some to do what they don't condone for others. No one can stop anyone from divorcing. This is the US. We have laws.

 

Here we go again..... If she has lousy sex, says so, has an unenthusiastic partner not willing to try and make it good for her, then by all means get out of the relationship where there are no children while you have the time..... If you really want tell him you're staying with him but going to get your needs tended to elsewhere, if that is what you need to do. You have my and most males blessings on this site.

 

Now if sex is bad, you say absolutely nothing, maybe even fake orgasms and just ignore the problem and try to stay away from your partner, then it is your responsibility to say something and try and work through it.

 

Again let's talk about a reasonable compromise, because that is what life is all about... If your idea about sex is 15X's a week and he wants it 1X a month, there is an issue. If you want 3 hour sessions with romance candles and rose petals, and he wants 5 minute quickies there is a divide probably that can not be bridged......

 

Most normal sex drives can figure a good compromise but that is only available through communication, which you Donnamaybe seem to be missing....

 

How about if the shoe is on the other foot and she just isn't getting him off and he needs more than a "hole" and she isn't helping the situation, even though she is offering it up every night...... Does that condone him to have an affair?????

Edited October 5, 2009 by Toodamnpragmatic