Lack of Sex = Likelihood of an Affair? I Call BS.

October 1, 2009

I think this is the most appropriate place for this thread.

I'd like to open a dialogue about whether or not lack of sex or incompatibilities in your sexual relationship is what really drives people to affairs. My contention is that it's a complete and total BS answer. I think certain personalities are capable of affairs and promise breaking (on that grand of a scale) and some personalities are not. I'm open to the possibility that I'm wrong but it's going to take a strong argument to the contrary for me to be convinced.

I am currently gravely dissatisfied with my sex life. My fiance does not put the effort in to make sure that I enjoy sex as much as he does. I rarely climax with him. I've communicated the issue to him and offered ideas for resolution. He has thus far tried none of my ideas. I am unwilling to have sex with him at present. I'm done being a warm body. I am not looking to loveshack to help me resolve this at this time. Another thread possibly later.

I offer marginal details of my own situation to explain my contention. The farthest thing from my mind right now is an affair. My mind isn't working that way. Not satisfied with sex life with current partner = go get it somewhere else. It hasn't occurred to me at all throughout this to consider seeking someone else. I understand the need for sexual gratification. I want it. I take care of it myself currently. It's not sex that I want. It's satisfying sex with HIM, that I want.

Someone pointed out something in another thread that was absolutely true. People complain about their partners shutting down on them sexually. Immediately their brain says "well, i guess I should look outside the relationship for it." Do they ever ask themselves WHY they've shut down? When's the last time you satisfied them? People don't typically stop participating in activities that they enjoy and that bring THEM pleasure

So. My question is. Are you SURE that lack of sex is what's causing you to think about an affair or could it be that you're just plain ole' selfish.

Please try to refrain from making this a gender comparison. If you believe one gender's likelihood of infidelity is greater, then you should also subsequently believe that that gender shouldn't consider marriage. Unequal playing field, yadda yadda.

October 1, 2009

So. My question is. Are you SURE that lack of sex is what's causing you to think about an affair or could it be that you're just plain ole' selfish.

Please try to refrain from making this a gender comparison. If you believe one gender's likelihood of infidelity is greater, then you should also subsequently believe that that gender shouldn't consider marriage. Unequal playing field, yadda yadda.

I think it is more complicated then that. However, yes, if you have an affair you are more self-centered then people who do not have affairs.

As for the sex part...I think that as emotional connection in a relationship goes so does the sex. It can also work the other way around if either or both partners express intimacy primarily through sex.

Looking back at my A it was both. I am more selfish then the typical person out there. I also was feeling disconnected emotionally from my wife and this was manifesting in a dissatisfying sex life for both of us.

I think that it is rare that it is just about the sex. It is more that one partner feels hurt by it not being there...or one partner holds out because they no longer feel connected or sexual.

October 1, 2009

I doubt that most men would persue an affair because of lack of sex with their wives. That being said, oppertunities for infidelity occur frequently all by themselves. It seems realistic to assume that a person, be they male or female who are deprived of sex in marriage would be more succeptable to those "oppertunities" than a person who was sexually satisfied generally.

Withholding sex in marriage is playing with fire. You have to expect that you'll get burned.

October 1, 2009

I call BS as well.

I think that it's WAY deeper than just the sex. I think that relationships/marriages just lose their "Lustor....Newness, etc" & we think that the grass is greener......Which IT AIN'T!!

I also believe that people in general (won't try to throw just the guys under the bus here) have more sex than they admit they do. For some reason we human feel the need to downplay the "Amount"....AND who's to say what is a good amount & what's not a good amount of sex? Those in the relationship!! - & Every single relationship is different!!

October 1, 2009

I think it is more complicated then that. However, yes, if you have an affair you are more self-centered then people who do not have affairs.

As for the sex part...I think that as emotional connection in a relationship goes so does the sex. It can also work the other way around if either or both partners express intimacy primarily through sex.

Looking back at my A it was both. I am more selfish then the typical person out there. I also was feeling disconnected emotionally from my wife and this was manifesting in a dissatisfying sex life for both of us.

I think that it is rare that it is just about the sex. It is more that one partner feels hurt by it not being there...or one partner holds out because they no longer feel connected or sexual.

I think that despite our different MOs, we agree.

And to further the selfishness, people opt to have an affair vs get a divorce or go to counseling. I know I know, there's all sorts of justifications for it but at the end of the day, I really believe it takes a certain type of personality to go break the promise of fidelity.

Please don't mistake me, I'm not making a grand or sweeping judgment on the rights or wrongs of that. Simply frustrated at the justifications that are regurgitated when to me, it's really very black and white. A situation is only as complicated as you make it.

October 1, 2009

It seems realistic to assume that a person, be they male or female who are deprived of sex in marriage would be more succeptable to those "oppertunities" than a person who was sexually satisfied generally.

IMO, if you succumb to said "opportunities", you were predisposed to it to begin with. As dissatisfied as I am sexually, I'm no more likely to screw someone else as I was when the sex was good.

Withholding sex in marriage is playing with fire. You have to expect that you'll get burned.

Maybe. But no more than willfully not putting effort into getting your partner off. If my fiance cheats on me because I am withholding sex, so be it. It certainly won't be my fault. And it would prove to me that he wasn't really committed to me to begin with.

October 1, 2009

I think that despite our different MOs, we agree.

And to further the selfishness, people opt to have an affair vs get a divorce or go to counseling. I know I know, there's all sorts of justifications for it but at the end of the day, I really believe it takes a certain type of personality to go break the promise of fidelity.

Please don't mistake me, I'm not making a grand or sweeping judgment on the rights or wrongs of that. Simply frustrated at the justifications that are regurgitated when to me, it's really very black and white. A situation is only as complicated as you make it.

I have to agree with that too.

I don't think there really is a way to justify infidelity. There are reasons why someone would be more likely to do it...but if you did it, you did it...regardless of the reason.

October 1, 2009

IMO, if you succumb to said "opportunities", you were predisposed to it to begin with. As dissatisfied as I am sexually, I'm no more likely to screw someone else as I was when the sex was good.
.

Of course. That was my point. Withheld sex in marriage is very likely to create a predisposition. To think otherwise wouldn't be realistic. Consider, you are out dining, you are on a strict diet. A person seated at the next table orders your favorite food. The aroma reaches you. Are you more or likely to forgo the diet, just that one night.... or stick to your diet?

Been there done that, I'm sure you have too. Withhold food from a person, and eventually they will do anything in their power to feed themselves. The need for sex and food are very similar biological imperitives.

October 1, 2009

I think this is the most appropriate place for this thread.

I'd like to open a dialogue about whether or not lack of sex or incompatibilities in your sexual relationship is what really drives people to affairs. My contention is that it's a complete and total BS answer. I think certain personalities are capable of affairs and promise breaking (on that grand of a scale) and some personalities are not. I'm open to the possibility that I'm wrong but it's going to take a strong argument to the contrary for me to be convinced.

I am currently gravely dissatisfied with my sex life. My fiance does not put the effort in to make sure that I enjoy sex as much as he does. I rarely climax with him. I've communicated the issue to him and offered ideas for resolution. He has thus far tried none of my ideas. I am unwilling to have sex with him at present. I'm done being a warm body. I am not looking to loveshack to help me resolve this at this time. Another thread possibly later.

I offer marginal details of my own situation to explain my contention. The farthest thing from my mind right now is an affair. My mind isn't working that way. Not satisfied with sex life with current partner = go get it somewhere else. It hasn't occurred to me at all throughout this to consider seeking someone else. I understand the need for sexual gratification. I want it. I take care of it myself currently. It's not sex that I want. It's satisfying sex with HIM, that I want.

Someone pointed out something in another thread that was absolutely true. People complain about their partners shutting down on them sexually. Immediately their brain says "well, i guess I should look outside the relationship for it." Do they ever ask themselves WHY they've shut down? When's the last time you satisfied them? People don't typically stop participating in activities that they enjoy and that bring THEM pleasure

So. My question is. Are you SURE that lack of sex is what's causing you to think about an affair or could it be that you're just plain ole' selfish.

Please try to refrain from making this a gender comparison. If you believe one gender's likelihood of infidelity is greater, then you should also subsequently believe that that gender shouldn't consider marriage. Unequal playing field, yadda yadda.

How can you have an affair your not married.

You are legally free to walk away at any point no strings attached, which is WAY different than a marriage.

Lack of sex leads to a lack of connection when you have no other non-painful legal means to walk away, no strings attached, you have an affair to meet those needs both physical and/or emotional.

October 2, 2009

I think this is the most appropriate place for this thread.

I'd like to open a dialogue about whether or not lack of sex or incompatibilities in your sexual relationship is what really drives people to affairs. My contention is that it's a complete and total BS answer. I think certain personalities are capable of affairs and promise breaking (on that grand of a scale) and some personalities are not. I'm open to the possibility that I'm wrong but it's going to take a strong argument to the contrary for me to be convinced.

I am currently gravely dissatisfied with my sex life. My fiance does not put the effort in to make sure that I enjoy sex as much as he does. I rarely climax with him. I've communicated the issue to him and offered ideas for resolution. He has thus far tried none of my ideas. I am unwilling to have sex with him at present. I'm done being a warm body. I am not looking to loveshack to help me resolve this at this time. Another thread possibly later.

I offer marginal details of my own situation to explain my contention. The farthest thing from my mind right now is an affair. My mind isn't working that way. Not satisfied with sex life with current partner = go get it somewhere else. It hasn't occurred to me at all throughout this to consider seeking someone else. I understand the need for sexual gratification. I want it. I take care of it myself currently. It's not sex that I want. It's satisfying sex with HIM, that I want.

Someone pointed out something in another thread that was absolutely true. People complain about their partners shutting down on them sexually. Immediately their brain says "well, i guess I should look outside the relationship for it." Do they ever ask themselves WHY they've shut down? When's the last time you satisfied them? People don't typically stop participating in activities that they enjoy and that bring THEM pleasure

So. My question is. Are you SURE that lack of sex is what's causing you to think about an affair or could it be that you're just plain ole' selfish.

Please try to refrain from making this a gender comparison. If you believe one gender's likelihood of infidelity is greater, then you should also subsequently believe that that gender shouldn't consider marriage. Unequal playing field, yadda yadda.

Okay I'm obviously too obsessed about sex in a relationship and the importance of it. You say your fiance puts no effort, seems to care even less about your feelings and it's just about him. And you're okay about it and not even contemplating an affair. So your answer after talking to him about it and him not giving a damn, is to take your toys go off and pleasure yourself.....

Just want to make sure I have this straight....

October 2, 2009

My vote: Yes, lack of sex = more likely to have an A, at least for men. Too many W's use sex as a weapon against their H's in order to control their behavior, simply because they CAN (they know how important it is to their H's, so they dangle it over them like you would to some dog). It's an abhorrent practice to me... not to mention a COMPLETE betrayal of the vows they promised on their wedding day to LOVE, honor, and cherish their H's.

And it makes for a miserable marriage, for both parties.

If you (the general, married female you) can't take the heat, you should never have signed up for kitchen duty in the first place. If you're not having sex with your H, then you are not taking good care of him, and you should not be surprised when he gets it elsewhere.

October 2, 2009

My vote: Yes, lack of sex = more likely to have an A, at least for men. Too many W's use sex as a weapon against their H's in order to control their behavior, simply because they CAN (they know how important it is to their H's, so they dangle it over them like you would to some dog). It's an abhorrent practice to me... not to mention a COMPLETE betrayal of the vows they promised on their wedding day to LOVE, honor, and cherish their H's.

And it makes for a miserable marriage, for both parties.

If you (the general, married female you) can't take the heat, you should never have signed up for kitchen duty in the first place. If you're not having sex with your H, then you are not taking good care of him, and you should not be surprised when he gets it elsewhere.

I can only speak from my experience. Lack of sex was the result of emotional abuse. Being told you are stupid, a bad parent, you are the reason for things not going the way someone else planned, doesn't lead to a need to connect sexually with that person.

It was hard to not hear those things that were said every time he touched me. How do you say those things and still want to have sex. Then it dawned on me, he was just having sex. He wasn't making love to me. He didn't care what I needed to feel love and cherished. He didn't care that I wanted him please me as much as I wanted to please him. So yes, in that sense I guess sex was my weapon. The only thing that belonged to me was my body. And I felt violated when he rolled over on me in the middle of the night and a few minutes rolled away, not to touch me again until he felt the urge.

I have never understood the rationale that sex, intimacy one of the things that people use as an excuse to cheat. I needed all those things and more...couldn't make myself cheat. Wanted to a couple of times, but couldn't reconcile my thoughts with my heart. I do agree that sex may be used by maybe even half of the women.....but....is it using sex or protecting yourself from what isn't there?

October 2, 2009

The term 'withholding sex' gives me the creeps. It makes me think of things like stalkers who pass someone on the street, decide they want them, so therefore feel entitled to them no matter what that other person might think or want.

If one person wants sex and the other one doesn't, why is it person A's wants are more important than person B's? If H wants another child, and I don't, does he have the right to switch out my birth control or poke a hole in the condom?

I enjoy sleeping with my head on my H's chest, but he doesn't sleep well on his back. So I guess he is 'withholding affection' if he is not willing to lay awake all night so I can have what I want? Or maybe he should be willing 3 nights a week? If he just tried it, he would probably like it, after all, it is an expression of my love for him I would want to lay on him all night, right?

In my case, H was so selfish and uncaring, I didn't want to have a conversation with him, much less sex. All he had to do at any point was think about somebody other than himself, and our marriage would have been fine, but being the selfish jerk he is, he decided to have an affair instead. Yes, I spent many years telling him how I felt, just like all those 'not getting enough' people did, and it went in one ear and out the other. I would have loved to have a loving, very sexually active relationship with him, but was not willing to be treated like a piece of meat. If that is 'withholding sex', so be it. I consider it hanging on to what little bit of self-respect I had left.

October 2, 2009

The term 'withholding sex' gives me the creeps. It makes me think of things like stalkers who pass someone on the street, decide they want them, so therefore feel entitled to them no matter what that other person might think or want.

If one person wants sex and the other one doesn't, why is it person A's wants are more important than person B's? If H wants another child, and I don't, does he have the right to switch out my birth control or poke a hole in the condom?

I enjoy sleeping with my head on my H's chest, but he doesn't sleep well on his back. So I guess he is 'withholding affection' if he is not willing to lay awake all night so I can have what I want? Or maybe he should be willing 3 nights a week? If he just tried it, he would probably like it, after all, it is an expression of my love for him I would want to lay on him all night, right?

In my case, H was so selfish and uncaring, I didn't want to have a conversation with him, much less sex. All he had to do at any point was think about somebody other than himself, and our marriage would have been fine, but being the selfish jerk he is, he decided to have an affair instead. Yes, I spent many years telling him how I felt, just like all those 'not getting enough' people did, and it went in one ear and out the other. I would have loved to have a loving, very sexually active relationship with him, but was not willing to be treated like a piece of meat. If that is 'withholding sex', so be it. I consider it hanging on to what little bit of self-respect I had left.

I told Mr. Messy too. I even asked that we go to counseling. His response, "you go, I don't have the problem. You are what's wrong" I never asked again. I went to IC, after about a month he complained that I was spending too much money that the insurance didn't cover(a whole other issue:sick:)but I stopped going, fast forward a few years, my suicide plans and his A.

October 2, 2009

I am currently gravely dissatisfied with my sex life. My fiance does not put the effort in to make sure that I enjoy sex as much as he does. I rarely climax with him. I've communicated the issue to him and offered ideas for resolution. He has thus far tried none of my ideas. I am unwilling to have sex with him at present. I'm done being a warm body. I am not looking to loveshack to help me resolve this at this time. Another thread possibly later.

Well yes you should be concerned. He should want to try and make it enjoyable for you. But don't kid yourself you are not married to him. It gets worse when you are married. And yes things like this will make a person more likely to cheat.

Lets say since you are not having sex he decideds he doesn't want to be bothered by listening to your talking. He does not want to hear about your day or anything else for that matter. So he pulls away from you and now your TOP needs are no longer being met. Do you still think you won't cheat. I would not bet on it. When people neglect the needs of their partner they run the risk of them leaving or cheating. No doubt in my mind. I left my now XW but stuff like this can lead a person down the wrong path.

October 2, 2009

Alektra, IMO you cannot compare your situation to someone who is married and has been for a number of years. As has been said, you can walk away without any legal ramifications. You do not have children with him, do you? That alone changes everything. When someone feels that they are stuck in a situation with no way out, then they may be susceptible to that which they before have no inclination to do.

I can say that yes, the lack of sex does make one think outside of the marriage. Having said that, I can say that the idea of an affair is not appealing. I know well enough that it will create more of a mess than it will give benefits.

I do not think think that only those who would have cheated do so when in this type of situation. I read of too many people who are disgusted with themselves for their behavior. Cheating is not some genetic thing that is irrelevant of the situation we find ourselves in.

I know (and every man and woman should realize this) that I am more vulnerable to an affair than someone who is in a marriage with plenty of sex. And I know that if I was in a situation where an attractive woman was listening to me sympathetic and it progressed, then yes, if my guard is not up...I could be in an affair.

IMO most affairs happen not because they are sought after, but more as something that sneaks up on the individual. Most affairs are not intentional, but shall we say...accidental. (that may not be the best word). If someone in a position of say a sexless marriage does not realize his or her vulnerability, then it is more likely that this person will find him or herself in an affair.

This applies to women and men who are emotionally starved, too.

October 2, 2009

I also call b/s on a lack of sex leading to infidelity. We had PLENTY, PLENTY of sex in our marriage, with NO rejection, and it still led to infidelity on his part. I personally had opportunities galore to seek outside external validation but never once, felt the urge to do so. But then, he had NPD and I don't, so yes, I agree that it's got to do with those who will and those who won't.

But...if you look at how rejection affects people in general, it's less about the lack of sex itself in sexless marriages and more about self-esteem. If someone is made to feel like they're physically unattractive by the person closest to their hearts, many will seek external validation, instead of addressing the underlying reason(s) why they're in a sexless marriage.

October 2, 2009

First, if anyone thinks that the motivation for having an affair is the same for both sexes based on some random motivating factors has not been reading this forum enough or they are just believing what they want to believe. Most men have affairs based on their desire to have sex with different women and /or the thrill of the chase. Most women have affairs to fufill their desire to have an emotional connection with a male that is lacking or completely absent in their current relationship. It is that simple. Sorry AC, men a women are biologically different, and no matter how much you want to believe that men and women are motivated to marry for the same reason it is simply not true, but that is another discussion. Also since you wanted to frame my opinion by the terms of your original posting to suit what you wanted to hear, here is your curveball.

October 2, 2009

TBF, I don't think anyone can say that sex is the only reason that men stray or end up in affairs. As you pointed out, some men do so even when everything is good at home in that area. And I for one would never say that affairs cannot happen despite everything being happy at home.

Yet I don't think that those that actually have issues of a sexless marriage who see this as the reason are somehow not "allowed" to use this as an excuse. This goes back to the idea that it is okay to refuse sex within a marriage yet to then seek it elsewhere is somehow the fault of the one who was refused sex.

Again, if a person refused to cook, do laundry, clean house, or even take care of the children, then the partner would be considered a good partner if he or she hired someone to fulfill the duties not being done by the lazy partner.

BUT...if the person decided that sex was no longer necessary, then the partner who chooses to hire someone to fulfill that "need" would be considered a cheat and worse.

Yet we want to view it simply as "just another action that expresses love?"

I agree with your second paragraph. It goes much deeper than simply the lack of the physical act of sex.

October 2, 2009

Lack of sex was the result of emotional abuse. Being told you are stupid, a bad parent, you are the reason for things not going the way someone else planned, doesn't lead to a need to connect sexually with that person.

Bent, I apologize that in my rant - uh, post - I did not clarify a BIG assumption on my part that the H was a decent human being to begin with, and was upholding his end of the deal (loving, honoring, cherishing). I would probably have done worse things than withhold sex if I had been in your situation...

I have never understood the rationale that sex, intimacy one of the things that people use as an excuse to cheat. I needed all those things and more...couldn't make myself cheat. Wanted to a couple of times, but couldn't reconcile my thoughts with my heart. I do agree that sex may be used by maybe even half of the women.....but....is it using sex or protecting yourself from what isn't there?

And that right there is a fundamental difference between men and women. We're more "intertwined" as you say, in our thoughts and actions. Men are definitely more compartmentalized. This is a big reason for my theory that for men, lack of sex = more likely to cheat. (It's easier for them to do it and rationalize it away in their minds; they completely separate it out from their love for their W's.) Another big reason is their physical/chemical makeup (testosterone-driven need to spread the seed; a physical drive that they have to control with their more rational side, in order to stay faithful). Women do not have these same hurdles.

Men have simpler needs than women. Take care of those needs, and he is less likely to cheat. #1 on that list, and by far the most important to a man, is sex.

Women are a whole nother ball of wax!! I do not believe that "lack of sex = more likely to cheat" is a typical, primary reason why women cheat on their H's.

Whatever the cause of cheating is, I am not convinced that all cheaters are morally bankrupt or "missing a chip" or something (as the OP seems to imply?). I believe most of them are human beings just like everybody else, struggling.

I do think the act of cheating is an awful and horrible thing to do to your life partner, in any case. No question about that.

October 2, 2009

Most men have affairs based on their desire to have sex with different women and /or the thrill of the chase. Most women have affairs to fufill their desire to have an emotional connection with a male that is lacking or completely absent in their current relationship. It is that simple.

This is it in a nutshell. Absolutely. All men are driven by this instinct. Now, whether they will have an affair or not depends on a) the degree of physical satisfaction in their marriage/relationship and b) how strict their moral code is if they possess one that is. Women will have affairs mostly out of emotional deprivation but even this is changing nowadays. More and more women are having sex just for kicks they way men have always done since the dawn of time.

October 2, 2009

I agree, I was married for 14 years (with him for 19) and our sex life was never ideal. He was very traditional and trying new things insulted his manhood. So I gave up trying to introduce new things. I stopped communicating about it all together. But never did I want to seek out an affair because of sexual frustration. We are divorced now, but not because of infidelity.

I have a strong feeling that people who find affairs a first resort to the problem are only making excuses for what they would eventually do anyway. After all, the inadequate sex life is only the catalyst to the real problems. When a spouse or partner is intimately distant...it is because they feel wounded in some way. That is where the concern should be; and the rest will fall into place.

Good post!

October 2, 2009

I think if you cheat, it's because of your character. It has to do with the type of person you are. Saying your spouse wouldn't have sex with you and that's why you cheated is an excuse. It may be a valid excuse in some eyes, but it's still an excuse. We all have a choice. No one makes a person cheat, even if they could have done something to stop it. It is still the cheater himself who must take the blame regardless of the reasons why they felt justified in doing it.

October 2, 2009

I also call b/s on a lack of sex leading to infidelity. We had PLENTY, PLENTY of sex in our marriage, with NO rejection, and it still led to infidelity on his part. I personally had opportunities galore to seek outside external validation but never once, felt the urge to do so. But then, he had NPD and I don't, so yes, I agree that it's got to do with those who will and those who won't.

But...if you look at how rejection affects people in general, it's less about the lack of sex itself in sexless marriages and more about self-esteem. If someone is made to feel like they're physically unattractive by the person closest to their hearts, many will seek external validation, instead of addressing the underlying reason(s) why they're in a sexless marriage.

TBF, I agree with most of your post. In my 25 year marriage, sex even making love was never a problem. From the beginning to the morning before I helped her move into an apartment to be with her BF. Sex was closeness, and it was fun... intense fun.

My ex left because she was in love with her BF, had been "forever", during out marriage. There came a time when she decided to be with him out of love, not out of a lack of "sex" in our marriage.

October 2, 2009

Too many W's use sex as a weapon against their H's in order to control their behavior, simply because they CAN (they know how important it is to their H's, so they dangle it over them like you would to some dog).

I've never known anyone who did that, do you? On what do you base this statement?

There may be a number of reasons for a given woman to not want to have sex without it being about control of her husband.

Edited October 2, 2009 by silktricks

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Lack of Sex = Likelihood of an Affair? I Call BS.

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