JaneInVegas Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I'll try to keep this as short as possible, it's kind of a long story ... My fiance and I have been together for 16 months. He's a very, very decent man, and has most of the qualities that women look for in a husband. In other words, I consider him a keeper. However, he told me a story back when we were first dating that didn't bother me too much back then, but now troubles me a great deal. He had been married to Julie for a long time. He had a 6 year affair with someone named Ann, who was also married to someone who was very financially well off, and they had children together. Mike and Ann got caught having sex in his home by Julie, which briefly ended their affair. But they were crazy about each other, and after a few months they started right back up again. Mike and Julie fell apart, they divorced and he got his own place. He started putting a lot of pressure on Ann to get divorced as well, and tried very hard for about 5 years to get her to leave her husband. She refused, Mike told me he thought it was because of the money. Finally he said enough is enough, packed up his stuff and moved to Las Vegas. She came to his house to say good-bye, they essentially broke up, and then he jumped into his U-Haul and left town for good. But they still talked to each other every day, and Ann even came to Vegas three different times just to see Mike. He finally started dating, and found a woman named Elizabeth, who he married, however he was STILL talking to Ann every day, and they were saying 'I love you' to each other even though he'd married Elizabeth. Elizabeth caught on and it caused more problems for Mike, he told me he called Ann one last time and told her it was over with, he couldn't talk to her anymore. She bawled and cried and carried on, but Mike says he stood firm with her, and that was the last time he had ever talked to her. I believed him. When he broke up with her on the phone was about a year before we had even met each other. Okay, so a couple of weeks ago I looked at his cell phone to retrieve a number to call my daughter. And there was his old area code. Major red flags. I found it was, of course, Ann's. I asked him if he'd talked to her recently, he insisted he hadn't talked to her since he was married to Elizabeth. After I put a lot of pressure on him, he finally admitted he'd called her, but he had wanted to call to see if she still lived there with the intention of hanging up as soon as she answered. He says she answered, he hung up on her. I can't believe he expects me to believe that! I yelled at him that I can't believe the coincidence that the *one* day I looked at his cell phone to get a number from his history was the same day he'd called to 'hang up on her'! He insists he's innocent. Now there is a huge brick wall between us. I can't bring myself to touch him or be intimate with him in any way whatsoever. I keep imagining him calling Ann every day and telling her he loves her, while he's still sleeping next to me every night. I can't stand it, I just can't. I'm thinking about asking him to give me the password to his cell phone account. I'd like to see how many times he's actually called her since we've been together. If it's only a few times it wouldn't bother me so much (honestly, a few times wouldn't be a huge deal) but if it's been a lot of times, I'm thinking of leaving him. Is asking for his password over the top? I just don't think it's in me to trust his word after all I know about Ann. Any thoughts greatly appreciated
boldjack Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 OP, THIS GUY IS POISON!!! You need to RUN, don't walk to the nearest exit. Dump him immediately!! He is exactly like I used to be and is lying to you through his teeth.
Boos Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Just thought I'd chime in... I agree with Jack. Look at his cell phone logs if it makes you feel better. If you see her number all over the place, then you know for sure. And if he throws a fit and doesn't let you look at the logs, then you know for sure. Then at least you'll be absolutely certain you're being played for a fool, and you can cut your losses and go. I am sorry for you. I've been the fool myself and I know how much it sucks.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Jane, besides the player history that he has had, the scenario that you have described does not bode well for your future. The chances of your fiancee carrying on an EA, and even a PA ,to keep the door open with Ann is very very high. He also sounds like someone that always has several people "waiting in the wings". I also assume that you have read several threads on this foum, and if you have, then the next step is what you already know, insist upon NC. Then you need to follow up to confirm that he is doing just that, and in the process collect info about what he has already done.This type of follow up is the type that makes your fiancee uncomfortable, keylogging, cell phone records, asking alot of questions,etc. But prepare yourself, based on his history according to you, you may not like what you find.
bean1 Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 The biggest mistake that wife #2 makes is assuming that her husband won't do to her what he did to wife #1.
Author JaneInVegas Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 Thanks everyone. This is going to be really hard for me, because outside of this Ann issue, he would have been a nearly perfect husband. This morning before he left I told him I had made my decision, and tonight when he gets home we're going to have The Talk. He said that sounded good. When he found out that Ann is the topic, he immediately became defensive. He said, "I'm not even going there!" Yeah, he's got nothing to hide. LOL I told him it was either going to be my way, or I'm leaving. He didn't say anything to that. Also I added, "Just some food for thought for you while you're driving to work ... this is potentially the 3rd major relationship you've allowed Ann to **** up." He just stared at me for a moment, then climbed into his truck. Someone mentioned keylogging. I tried to find a free one (ha ha) and also tried to find a cracked one, but no luck. I was able to get one downloaded and took it for a test spin on my own computer, it works great, but only works for 45 minutes for free. Anyone know where I can download something I can use? This recession has killed us, I can't afford to buy anything right now.
Boos Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Use parental controls, on his computer, with his permission. Don't do it behind his back. My personal opinion.
Author JaneInVegas Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 So last night we had The Talk, and I laid everything on the line. He absolutely refuses to give me any kind of access to his cell phone bill. BUT ... he asked me if I would be willing to go to relationship counseling to work out our issues. His reasoning for not allowing me to see his cell phone bill is because he has a huge privacy issue. He's that way about a lot of things. I'm not stupid though, I *know* he has talked to Ann. I told him that I'd be more than willing to go to counseling, and I added, "You'd better be prepared to talk about Ann, otherwise we shouldn't even bother wasting our time and money." He very amicably agreed. Even though this wasn't the resolution I had wanted, I think it's a positive sign that he wants to work things out. Any thoughts?
KikiW Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 If he refused to give you access then he is hiding something. If he wanted to move forward from Ann and start a life with you, the only way to do it is complete honesty and complete openness. He is starting off VERY badly with that. And, unless he keeps his correspondences as love tokens, he will simply delete them if he is forced to give you his access. I'm sorry, I do not see this ending happily for you.
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