Nikki Sahagin Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I've realised a lot about myself in the time that i've been single. Whenever i'm single I end up thinking anyone in a relationship is a sucker. I have a really negative view of relationships and i'm not entirely sure where it stems from. I can cobble together a succession of things: 1) my uncle cheating on his wife and bringing his mistresses to visit us when we were children 2) several men in positions of power making lewd advances/trying to attack me 3) witnessing and knowing many people being cheated on 4) societies view of women in music/movies/porn: b!tches, hoes, meaningless. As I am very prideful I assume being close to any man makes me 'weak' as he will automatically put me in the weaker position. 5) a negative perspective generally This view makes it so hard to have a relationship. Even in little ways. For instance, not that it bothered me too much, but you can't sit down as a woman to watch a movie with your boyfriend these days without seeing a topless girl (exaggeration but you see my point) whereas there are few movies I could see with a man where he would feel awkward from the man in the movie (a topless man in my mind doesn't mean the same as a topless woman - the breasts are sexual in a way the chest just isn't, even if its attractive). I have so many negative views of men as being either liars, cheats, manipulative, controlling, attackers, aggressive, violent that I just can't see them any other way. When a man is nice to me I begin to wonder why, so I push any nice man away from me thinking he is the worst kind of bad guy of all - he is the one PRETENDING to be nice. I know this really sounds so retarded but I think I have this almost kind of...hate towards men. Not my father/brother/family or those I know individually but just men as a general group. I don't really understand WHY. I feel this urge to protect and defend myself? I feel to be with a man i'll always have to be the 'weak' one - have to give up my dreams and life to make him happy. At the same time I DO want a relationship, I just have these horrible thoughts and feelings which affect the way I can behave. I really can't fully understand why this is there. I know I can get therapy or something but it seems such a weird thing to have to admit to....and I don't really know why I feel this way! Then onto relationships. I feel people will only get bored, cheat, lie or leave. I don't think relationships can last or end happily. To an extent I see them as shams where people either give up their career/dream/sex/etc etc etc for another person who probably will only hurt them anyway. I also think because people continue to get crushes/longings for others, that relationships are a way of ignoring your urges. I was madly in love with my ex and even though I knew it was natural to like others - it fundamentally disapointed me Because I realised no matter how much I loved him - you still get little sparks with other people and I felt guilty about that. I don't believe relationships can work so I know I will sabotague my own relationships because of this believe. How can I change the way I think/feel when it seems so engrained in me?
JaggedRoad Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I guess that will only happen when you find the right person again and try to learn from your past mistakes. Don't worry, you're not alone. I have the same sentiments as well as one of my female friends. It sucks viewing people this way when I previously saw everything as beautiful and full of life. I'm still happy when I see other couples enjoying themselves, but part of me hurts and wish they would break up on the spot to soothe my own pain.
splintered thing Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 I don't really understand WHY. I feel this urge to protect and defend myself? I feel to be with a man i'll always have to be the 'weak' one - have to give up my dreams and life to make him happy. At the same time I DO want a relationship, I just have these horrible thoughts and feelings which affect the way I can behave. I really can't fully understand why this is there. I know I can get therapy or something but it seems such a weird thing to have to admit to....and I don't really know why I feel this way! I don't know why either, but it doesn't sound like a weird thing at all. In fact, I would venture to say that it's extremely common...the only unusual thing is to recognize it in yourself and be willing to admit it. That doesn't solve the problem, but it puts you a big step ahead of most people. That kind of dynamic is something I see all the time: person A has internalized that her role is supposed to be X and resents it. Person B, whom she's in a relationship with, may not feel that way at all or even like behavior X...but still has to deal with resentment from A who, internally, feels like she is doing it for B and feels anger towards B because of it. Apart from trying to catch yourself at it and make yourself stop when you get into that cycle, I don't think there's an easy fix. I also think because people continue to get crushes/longings for others, that relationships are a way of ignoring your urges. I was madly in love with my ex and even though I knew it was natural to like others - it fundamentally disapointed me Because I realised no matter how much I loved him - you still get little sparks with other people and I felt guilty about that. Sounds like a similar issue in a way: being attracted to other people is normal and probably a good indication that you're still breathing. It doesn't mean you're not attracted to your partner or that you are or will be unfaithful or that you have any reason to feel guilty. I think most people would be happier if they accepted how they are and let themselves enjoy their own feelings instead of feeling guilty that they might have the "wrong" ones.
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