AppleGirl Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Too much background to cover, so let's just say that I am 35 and divorced, as is he. We both have kids, live together, are engaged and have been actively trying to have a baby for the past 5 months. The problem is that I have caught him lying to me on multiple occasions for the past 10 months or so. Lying includes things like chatting online with other women (who were supposedly "just friends" but if that is the case why did he never tell me about it), deleting texts from these same women so that I wouldn't find out about him texting other women, watching porn obsessively (as in for hours at a time, even when I am home and wiling to f@ck his brains out and yes, even when I am out getting groceries and he is watching our small children at home). I have threatened to throw him out numerous times as I just can't take the fact that I can't trust him anymore. Yet, here we are 10 months later and he is still here. We have gone to counselling and it seemed to help and I honestly thought that we were finally over all the previous bull**** with all the therapy we went to. BUT, I got home from work last night and found him on his computer, no big deal as he is ALWAYS on his computer. But I trust him now because he is SORRY for what he has done in the past, right? I casually ask him when the last time he looked for porn online and he said it was so long ago that he couldn't even remember when. He was so straight faced when he said it. I wanted to believe him, but "something" in my gut told me that he was lying. So, when he left for work this morning, I checked out his computer. Now, as part of our counselling we BOTH have all passwords to email, facebook, banking, etc, on each other's computer. It is full disclosure, no hiding and no lying. Those are the rules. And yet, here I was just this morning, opening up his laptop and WOW, what a surprise...look at all the porn. Even porn downloaded just the night before, when he told me "couldn't remember the last time because it had been so long ago". Apparently, an hour before I got home from work is a "long time ago" I don't know if it is so much a matter that he looked at porn, but more the fact that he lied right to my face without batting an eye. Why can he lie to me so easily? Doesn't he have a conscience? Doesn't he feel badly when he lies? I just don't understand anymore... So, furious for being lied to again, I called him up, told him that I am packing his stuff as we speak and that he can get the hell out as I have had enough. Then I chucked his laptop down the stairs....several times. I am so angry. I just don't understand WHY?????? Why would he continue to lie to me after everything we've been through? As sick as it sounds, I still love him and I am so sad about what this will do to our children, who have lived under our roof as brother and sister for the past couple of years. Does anyone have any advice for me? I am miserable.
boogieboy Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 He continued to lie to you easily because you let him. He knows your threats are empty, so he doesnt have to change. Why would he have to feel bad about that? Hopefully this time you really mean it. When he did it 10 months ago you should have kicked him out permanently then. But you were desperate to be married and have more children so you put up with it, cuz you didnt want to have to find someone else. Why would he have to change when he knew you wouldnt do anything about it?
Angel1111 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 The title of your thread made me laugh out loud. That's pretty funny. It's not sick that you still love him. What did you expect? That your feelings would die in two seconds flat? But the problem is, it's not about whether you love him or not. It's about the fact that he's a liar and he makes you nuts. Do not....I repeat....do not waste your time trying to figure people out. It is a total exercise in futility. He does it because he can, he does it because that's his nature, he does it because he can't give up porn and he doesn't want you to get pissed off about it. Whatever. Pick a reason. Does it matter? The bottom line is still the same, isn't it? He lied and he's hung up on porn. Walk away from this and consider yourself lucky that you just dodged a bullet. Because he's saving you from going through another divorce. I know it feels like a divorce right now but it's not. Find yourself a guy who doesn't feel inclined to obsess over porn and who doesn't lie. And, yes, guys like that do exist.
carhill Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I know Powerbooks are tough but not that tough (that's an Apple joke) WRT the rest, well, you have a pickle (no pun intended). What's your biggest fear here? I simply see it as a woman emotionally bonded to a man who is unhealthy for her. He must do something to sustain that bond, absent you having a fear of being alone, to keep you in play. What is it? BTW, I've known many women in your situation throughout my life. It's not unusual. Pretty normal actually. Most stayed far longer than I would have. Everyone's different Hopefully you'll get some support. Welcome
Art_Critic Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 AppleGirl.. Sometimes eliminating the thing causing the drama is the best way to move forward.. It seems you have asked him to leave.. Good for you for taking a stance and sticking to it. On another note.. be careful as to how or what you say about the damage to the laptop.. Since you both are not married the laptop wasn't yours to trash.. and as such he might or could bring charges against you for that depending on what his reaction to this will be.. Take Care
Angel1111 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I know Powerbooks are tough but not that tough (that's an Apple joke) Good one, carhill.
Star Gazer Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 The title of your thread made me laugh out loud. That's pretty funny. Me too! AppleGirl... is it the porn that bothers you, or the lying about it?
The Collector Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 He wants to watch porn. He doesn't agree that you should be able to tell him not to, so he lies and covers it up. I think the best thing would be if you accepted that porn is not a threat to your relationship, and even if all the porn in the world was destroyed he would jerk off to underwear ads or MTV or something else. Likewise, maybe he does enjoy havig chats with people who happen to be members of the opposite sex - but knowing how jealous and desructive you can be about these things, again he feels the best course is to hide it from you. Do you never chat to men? Would you stop if your husband forbade you? Do you own a vibrator or dildo btw? And if you do or don't, would you accept that your husband could dictate whether you could own one or not?
clv0116 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Me too! AppleGirl... is it the porn that bothers you, or the lying about it? Good question and potentially the best comment so far.
Angel1111 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I think the best thing would be if you accepted that porn is not a threat to your relationship, and even if all the porn in the world was destroyed he would jerk off to underwear ads or MTV or something else. This is exactly how people get into trouble with relationships - thinking they can accept things that are really unacceptable to them. Just cut out the cancer and walk away.
sally4sara Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 How would accepting his porn use and his sex chatting with other women fix the problem when the porn use and sex chatting is preventing him from properly caring for their kids and having sex with the OP? Sounds to me that she has discovered why he is divorced.....
clv0116 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Too much background to cover, so let's just say that I am 35 and divorced, as is he. We both have kids, live together, are engaged and have been actively trying to have a baby for the past 5 months. The problem is ... The first paragraph is troubling enough, really. Then I chucked his laptop down the stairs....several times. Does anyone have any advice for me? I am miserable. Get counseling and a shot of depo. You need better anger management skills.
Author AppleGirl Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 I simply see it as a woman emotionally bonded to a man who is unhealthy for her. He must do something to sustain that bond, absent you having a fear of being alone, to keep you in play. What is it? Very astute, Carhill. You are probably closer to the truth than I care to admit. So, what does he do to sustain that bond? Hmm, well, I'm sure most of you don't partake in this type of relationship but we have an odd dynamic. My own father was emotionally and physically abusive when I was younger. I was never Daddy's little girl. I was always a pain in the ass, a bother, someone to belittle. I was a very sad and unwanted child. My parents were 16(mother) and 19(father). Because of this, I have constantly sought out men who recreated this dynamic that I had with my father. The problem with this relationship that makes it particularly hard to let go is that this guy is a "Daddy" type, if you know what I mean. I call him "Daddy", he calls me his "little girl". We engage in light bdsm. The sex is addictive as he fulfills every sexual fantasy and want I have ever had, But, it is not all sexual as it feels like he "fixes" or makes up for parts of me that feel wounded from my horrible childhood. It's hard to explain. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe I need counselling. Maybe we BOTH need counselling. All I know is that he called my bluff last night, got a moving van, packed all his crap in it, refused to answer my many angry texts and numerous phone calls......and I ran home from work, a sobbing crying mess to meet up with him just as he was leaving, Then we had a big screaming fight until I started crying like a baby and told him I didn't want him to leave... and then we had makeup sex. I am so pathetic. To have him leave feels like my father leaving me all over again. I know it is hard to understand as he is not really my "father". But he fills that role for me. It just crippled me emotionally and left me curled up into the fetal position, sobbing like a baby. I couldn't function all day once the anger wore off. I couldn't even eat. I was so screwed in the head. So...long story short, he is back and we continue to dance the dance.
Els Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Does he not want to DO anything about the porn addiction? (Yes it is an addiction, I'm a huge fan of porn myself, but seriously, I'd never watch it for hours at a time while I'm supposed to be babysitting!) If he adamantly refuses that nothing's wrong, you need to seriously sit down and ask yourself how much it means to you to have a sober, mature man, and if it's worth it to stay with this one. Throwing laptops down the stairs is never a useful fix, unfortunately. :/
deux ex machina Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 (edited) Just to get the BDSM part out of the way - it's not unusual for this dynamic to take place - as I am sure you are aware though, if anyone has some things left over from the past, it can, in the right combination of circumstances, bring all of that out. The bond can become quite convoluted... I really am so sorry this has happened, Apple. ...But, it is not all sexual as it feels like he "fixes" or makes up for parts of me that feel wounded from my horrible childhood. It's hard to explain... Yes, but isn't this temporary? It is little wonder you feel terrified, lost, and angry when he goes away, but I have to ask - is he the solution? In a sense, doesn't he leave you again and again, with his behavior? So...guess it doesn't really fix. Perhaps, it keeps the demons at bay - but they always come back. To have him leave feels like my father leaving me all over again. I know it is hard to understand as he is not really my "father". But he fills that role for me. It just crippled me emotionally and left me curled up into the fetal position, sobbing like a baby. I couldn't function all day once the anger wore off. I couldn't even eat. I was so screwed in the head. I understand. No, honey - you were not screwed in the head. You are just someone in pain, trying to keep your head above water right now. Your self-preservation instincts are kicking in. It is only the way you have gone about trying to get on and feel well that have gone awry. It happens. I am so pathetic. Nope, don't believe you there, either. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe I need counselling. Yes. You are not the first person who had to have a crisis of some sort to come to deeper truth. There is nothing wrong with you, it's simply gotten to the inevitable point where it's becoming apparent the current ways of "coping" are not working. That's all. I wouldn't be at all surprised if a lot of this upheaval has much to do with the fact that you have known, just below your awareness, that it is time to face down a lot of things. Please don't let this primal stuff drive you. Get some help, bring your insights, and work it. Then you can get to the place where you drive your own life, and calmly, rationally, determine for yourself where you wish to go. You are stronger than you think. *hugs* Edited October 2, 2009 by deux ex machina
JackJack Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 He is not ready to be in a relationship with just you, if he is talking to other women and texting, deleting stuff etc. If you feel this isn't good situation to be in, then it probably isn't. I say, stick to you guns if you want him to leave. Do not be his doormat, because if you do, he will continue on with what he is doing, time will pass by, and you'll still be in the same situation with this same issues.
carhill Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 So...long story short, he is back and we continue to dance the dance. Again, perfectly normal, considering the circumstances. You will likely interrupt the dance with such drama many times in the future, absent meaningful therapy. BTW, it might even take medications to balance things enough for therapy and life circumstance to work things out to a healthier place. That fear thing is a powerful motivator. Do you think you deserve to be loved in a healthy way? Why?
MSUE Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Get counseling and a shot of depo. You need better anger management skills. lol...c'mon i think a lot of us would have done the same thing... OP I know you are in pain and I'm sorry to hear...you clearly do love this man and cared about your R enough to get you both in counseling in order to recoup and move forward and I can understand how this is such a huge setback...as one of the problems addressed in the past trough counseling was the porn thing...personally i see very lil wrong with porn its just entertainment...but yes if it has become an addiction and it is affecting your sex life then yes that is indeed a problem clearly he knows how much this hurts you because it was part of the reasons to go into counseling...and he had promised to keep it straight with you...he may have lied to you when you asked when was the last time for a number of reasons...maybe he has continued all along even though in counseling the deal was he was to stop(and please correct me if I'm wrong) maybe he just happened to look recently just curiosity...but regardless of the why the fact is that he lied to you about something that is very important to you in your R... you may want to seek counseling for yourself first this time...the trust has been damaged and you may or may not be able to get that back...and although you have been trying to have a baby perhaps is a blessing for this to have happened before a baby rather than after...you certainly have a lot to think about and some decisions to make...
clv0116 Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 lol...c'mon i think a lot of us would have done the same thing... I'm not without sympathy for her but for anyone to have a Jerry Springer house like this full of kids and shouting and fighting already and then think, much less actively try for months, to make more is pretty selfish and foolish in my opinion. Maybe I'm old fashioned but it seems like sorting out the issues that exist already would be a lot better than creating more with a new pregnancy and the issues that can bring. The depo was not a joke, nor was the counselling.
Els Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 I'm not without sympathy for her but for anyone to have a Jerry Springer house like this full of kids and shouting and fighting already and then think, much less actively try for months, to make more is pretty selfish and foolish in my opinion. Maybe I'm old fashioned but it seems like sorting out the issues that exist already would be a lot better than creating more with a new pregnancy and the issues that can bring. The depo was not a joke, nor was the counselling. I do agree with this. If you have THIS much drama in your relationship, the last thing you need is a new baby, and the last thing a new baby needs is to watch you throw your man's second laptop down the stairs.
Recommended Posts