4givrnt4gtr Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 ....im gonna be in his city. Good god and all thats holy I thought id be ok with it, you know whatever, the city is big enough for the two of us. But now, thinking about what am i gonna do when Im not doing what i have to do for those two days....oh god im afraid. Im so nervous about breaking down. I just dont know how thats gonna go. In some way i feel like im getting over it. I mean i completely shut him off of my life but secretely.....ughh. I hate this...the not knowing how i actually feel. Im so freaking confused. I think i might find out once i get there....when Im faced with the memories of him, with all the plans we made and didnt get to do. Ill see how truly over it i really am. I was rereading our last chat before the break up. I read how i bassically pushed for him to tell me he was over me, that he didnt want to be with me anymore. He resisted, said he just missed me and wished he could see me more. Yet i kept pushing and now i feel i shouldnt have pushed. I should have just left it alone....but i know it wouldnt have made a difference. ughhhhhh SOOO CONFUSED On top of that a friend that, well long story short, i think likes me at some level, says he's gonna be in that same city at the same time. Im afraid im g onna do something stupid out of sadness and desperation. ughhh i hate this
Island Girl Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Can you explain why you pushed him to end it? Why you thought (and think now) that it is for the best that it is over?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 Can you explain why you pushed him to end it? Why you thought (and think now) that it is for the best that it is over? Why i pushed him? actually im not sure who pushed whom. Technically I ended it. But he had been backing off for two weeks prior. Even then I still wanted to fight for it. I flew out to where he lived attempting to have one great surprise weekend....which blew up in my face. He blamed me for not being able to accomplished what he wanted even though I just did whatever he needed to do. After that he kept saying he was oh so busy, that he couldnt even spare a call for me during the day. I felt like he kept pushing me away, under the excuse that school was just taking up so much of his time (he just started his masters a week before we broke up). Yet, he would tell me about all the clubs and extra curricular activities he was joining. I came in last place. Still, the day we broke up I tried to be understanding, but I just couldnt. He talked to me about how busy he was. I immediately asked him if he wanted to be with me still, and that I was nervous he was going to let me fall thru the cracks. He said he still wanted to be with me but the distance was difficult and he wished he could see me more. I tried to find solutions, maybe schedule ahead of time so we knew when we could see each other (after all its only 1 hr flight or 5 hour drive). And then just to keep looking towards the goal that in less than 10 months we would be together again. He insisted it was too hard and that in the past month his mind had been everywhere. I then pushed for him to be honest, to tell me whether he wanted to break it off. He insisted he didnt. We talked for hours. Eventually he told me he just didnt feel the way he wanted to feel for me. He felt like he was holding back and didnt know why or if that was ever going to change. HE added that he was nervous because he knew school was always going to come first regardless of whether i was there or not. Yet he didnt want to break up. He kept saying he didnt want it to end because he felt we got along so well and had so much in common but didnt know why he just couldnt let himself love me like he wanted to. At that point I said that there was no use, that sometimes you just dont feel it and it was better to let it go at that point. That after 10 months living close together if he didnt feel it, it wasnt going to happen, especially being 500 miles away. I then told him that it was best for us to let it go, before I become resentful because he isnt all the way into us. I would rather us have a good memory of our relationship than ruin it trying to drag it out. That he didnt need the added pressure of having a girlfriend, a million miles away, that he didnt even like all that much. He agreed And that was that. A few days later he posted a song that at first thought was about me and gave me hope that maybe he changed his mind about me not being all that important......but ive come to realize its about his ex girlfriend, not me. So, as I said when i read how the break up began, i feel like maybe i shouldnt have pushed him about how he felt about me, especially since he was so reluctant about letting it go.....but then, I know if it had not been then it would have been later....it was just bound to happen. He just didnt love me
Island Girl Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Technically I ended it. But he had been backing off for two weeks prior. Even then I still wanted to fight for it. I flew out to where he lived attempting to have one great surprise weekend....which blew up in my face. He blamed me for not being able to accomplished what he wanted even though I just did whatever he needed to do. I remember. I know about the visit -- and then the double talk. After that he kept saying he was oh so busy, that he couldnt even spare a call for me during the day. I felt like he kept pushing me away, under the excuse that school was just taking up so much of his time (he just started his masters a week before we broke up). Yet, he would tell me about all the clubs and extra curricular activities he was joining. I came in last place. He definitely didn't appreciate you or put time into growing the relationship. And I definitely think you deserve better than that because you give better than that. A man that puts you last is a man that is not worth your time and effort that's for sure. Still, the day we broke up I tried to be understanding, but I just couldnt. He talked to me about how busy he was. I immediately asked him if he wanted to be with me still, and that I was nervous he was going to let me fall thru the cracks. He said he still wanted to be with me but the distance was difficult and he wished he could see me more. I'm not sure why you tried to be understanding. Although I have a feeling that you pretty much kept the relationship going as long as it did. You put in way more effort and also put aside what you really wanted and needed for a while, right? Lesson learned. Don't ever do that. Someone who is deserving of a relationship with you will make you a priority and be thankful he GETS to call you - that he GETS to spend time with you (even if you are just hanging out while he is studying or what have you). I tried to find solutions, maybe schedule ahead of time so we knew when we could see each other (after all its only 1 hr flight or 5 hour drive). And then just to keep looking towards the goal that in less than 10 months we would be together again. He insisted it was too hard and that in the past month his mind had been everywhere. I then pushed for him to be honest, to tell me whether he wanted to break it off. He insisted he didnt. Of course you were doing the work. You were being a partner - but he wasn't. HE wasn't putting any effort into keeping you with him or making sure you were happy - but he also knows you are a fantastic girl and he didn't want to let you go either. That is selfish of him. And disgusts me (I know several guys who would do the same thing given the opportunity). We talked for hours. Eventually he told me he just didnt feel the way he wanted to feel for me. He felt like he was holding back and didnt know why or if that was ever going to change. HE added that he was nervous because he knew school was always going to come first regardless of whether i was there or not. Yet he didnt want to break up. Well, nice of him to finally admit the truth. He could have done that sooner and saved you a lot of effort and both of you the lengthy conversation. At least you heard what you needed to hear though. Even though he still was willing to keep you invested and working at something he was willing to put on a shelf. He kept saying he didnt want it to end because he felt we got along so well and had so much in common but didnt know why he just couldnt let himself love me like he wanted to. At that point I said that there was no use, that sometimes you just dont feel it and it was better to let it go at that point. That after 10 months living close together if he didnt feel it, it wasnt going to happen, especially being 500 miles away. I then told him that it was best for us to let it go, before I become resentful because he isnt all the way into us. I would rather us have a good memory of our relationship than ruin it trying to drag it out. That he didnt need the added pressure of having a girlfriend, a million miles away, that he didnt even like all that much. I admire your strength. I know a few women who would settle for the crumbs and hang on just hoping it would eventually happen. The truth is the only way it ever would happen is if you are gone and then he can realize what he is losing. In very rare cases it does happen and only if those feelings are really there all along just not acknowledged. The best thing you can do is end it (just as you did) and not look back. The hardest part of the way things went is that there was no nasty break up. There was no horrible fight. So the unfortunate thing is the anger that would normally be fueling you or could be recalled in moments like now is not available. Maybe you could feel some righteous indignation. I would if I were you. But maybe you can't go there or don't want to. It'd help I assure you. That's up to you. You do have every right. A few days later he posted a song that at first thought was about me and gave me hope that maybe he changed his mind about me not being all that important......but ive come to realize its about his ex girlfriend, not me. Talk about adding insult to injury, right? Well, don't check on his pages anymore. You should block him in fact so you are unable to see updates or check on him. So, as I said when i read how the break up began, i feel like maybe i shouldnt have pushed him about how he felt about me, especially since he was so reluctant about letting it go.....but then, I know if it had not been then it would have been later....it was just bound to happen. He just didnt love me You made the right move to get it ended. It had to end because you weren't getting what you needed and there is no way you were happy or were going to be happy. Not with him as it is. You now have room in your life for a man who will love you and will appreciate you. And you may need time to yourself right now. That's great. Focus on yourself and only you. It seems that you haven't done that in a while - you were focused on someone else and he was focused on himself - you were lost in the shuffle. That shouldn't ever happen again. There will be a man who loves you. Who truly loves you and everything about you. Who delights in your stories and will listen endlessly to whatever you have to say with light in his eyes. And the love you think you feel now will absolutely pale in comparison to what you feel then. Because there is no greater feeling then loving and being loved 100%. You now have room in your life to have that. And if you kept hanging on to what was you would just be keeping that man from getting to your life. The man that DESERVES to be there by your side. He may be the next one. Or there may be a few before he arrives. Juts do not settle and hold on when you know it isn't right. Because then he can never come. When you figure out it isn't working out and you aren't getting what you need - just toss the guy back and throw the line back in. You deserve to get all that you want.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 thank you so so so so much for your kind words. They were exactly what i needed. I have being a bit indignant about the whole situation, but for some reason he is still in a pedestal...i need to knock him off. Thanks for helping me gain the strenght to go out there and see the city and the area for what they are and not for him.....I need to make an objective decision about whether i want to move out there or not, for me, for my future and my learning. Its a good perspective and the hope i was looking for. thanks thanks thanks!
Island Girl Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 thank you so so so so much for your kind words. They were exactly what i needed. I have being a bit indignant about the whole situation, but for some reason he is still in a pedestal...i need to knock him off. Thanks for helping me gain the strenght to go out there and see the city and the area for what they are and not for him.....I need to make an objective decision about whether i want to move out there or not, for me, for my future and my learning. Its a good perspective and the hope i was looking for. thanks thanks thanks! I am glad I could help. And I was truly calling it how I see it not trying to bolster your ego. You really should get him off that pedestal. He didn't earn his place up there - and the only guy that should be on one as far as you are concerned should have you up there as well so you'd be eye to eye. Make him prove he's worthy next time - and that is all about how he treats YOU. Yes you should evaluate the city for yourself and what you want! That is exciting! It should be all about YOU right now. In your vocabulary "I want" should be in heavy rotation!
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 hello Island my new best friend Your replies have really really hit home. Ive been trying to convince myself of what you said in both postings but hearing someone else say it makes it even more valid. Call me crazy but I am printing those out and post them where I can see them so next time I wonder if I made the right decision I can take a look at that and remind myself... YES i AM worthy of being loved and NO i will NOT tolerate being put on a shelf.
Island Girl Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 hello Island my new best friend Hello there. Your replies have really really hit home. Ive been trying to convince myself of what you said in both postings but hearing someone else say it makes it even more valid. I have to tell you the that I thought you typing them out - the story of what drove you to get it over with in the first place - that in itself would help you. Call me crazy but I am printing those out and post them where I can see them so next time I wonder if I made the right decision I can take a look at that and remind myself... Awww. Well, I am very glad you have such a clear picture right now. And anything you can do to clear the fog when it happens is fantastic. YES i AM worthy of being loved and NO i will NOT tolerate being put on a shelf. Of course you are. And now it is up to you to make sure that whoever you spend time with is not a waste of your valuable time. That they appreciate you and feel honored that you are there devotig time to them. After all you always could be doing something else especially my favorite time grabbers like long hot baths with a glass of wine and a good book, a movie cuddled up in a comforter with a mask on my face while I do my nails, a spa pedicure with a hot foot soak and the whole nine yards, dinner out with my best friends who I can laugh my azz off with, etc. You get my drift. Spend time where it is worthwhile and you really get something out of it and feel great about it or don't waste the time.
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