Pfiend101 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Invited her out to do something after NC then C then NC and finally this contact. In the text I asked her out but put in "friends is ok". I told her just recently I wanted to date her again and didnt get a response. My intent is not to stay friends but this is more than likely the only way back in. I believe if I start off as "friends" then ramp it up it will work... She broke up with me. Thoughts please. How to approach situation?
Limbo21 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 If it works then your in the minority. If it doesn't then welcome home to Loveshack all the best & keep posting brother
TaraMaiden Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 If you broke up with her, then there's some hope. If she broke up with you, then you have 2 hopes.... Bob Hope, and no hope. If you begin to see her with ulterior motives, you'll p1i$$ her off in 2 ways: One, 'you just don't get it, do you?' Two, 'I thought you said "friends is ok"....?' It's patently not. Save yourself long-term grief, and go for long-term No Contact. You need to back off. Let her chase you and chase you until you catch her..... If she's going to chase you at all. if she doesn't - there's your answer.
Dream Brother Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 If you broke up with her, then there's some hope. If she broke up with you, then you have 2 hopes.... Bob Hope, and no hope. If you begin to see her with ulterior motives, you'll p1i$$ her off in 2 ways: One, 'you just don't get it, do you?' Two, 'I thought you said "friends is ok"....?' It's patently not. Save yourself long-term grief, and go for long-term No Contact. You need to back off. Let her chase you and chase you until you catch her..... If she's going to chase you at all. if she doesn't - there's your answer. Tough to read I imagine, but very accurate.
Author Pfiend101 Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 why would she jump to go out so fast if "friends" is all she wants?
TaraMaiden Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Guilt. She wants to keep you as a friend to not hurt your feelings by telling you a relationship isn't going to work. Besides, it makes her feel good. It's charitable pity. What better way to make herself feel better than to agree to be a friend to you?
DustySaltus Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Bad idea to be friends. The last thing you want is three months from now when you think you've made significant progress she starts telling you about how great her new relationship is. Trust me, I know a few people that this has happened to. I actually knew of two friends of mine that went out with the same girl at different times (they weren't close with each other). They both stayed in contact with her for YEARS thinking that they might have a chance to make things work. One night she invites both of them out to a bar to hang out, neither one knew that the other was coming. Well, they meet her at the bar and she is there with her new boyfriend. Imagine going through something like that? Well, you don't have to. I know it's hard to fathom but she needs to be the person to initiate contact with you. She knows where you are...but right now you need to worry about YOURSELF.
GrayClouds Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 why would she jump to go out so fast if "friends" is all she wants? And it strokes her ego seeing you pine for her. Beside who doean't want a back-up if things get lonely few days, even if it is a second choice. Will you be happy knowing your "second choice"?
Author Pfiend101 Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 I dont want to be a second choice. Shes told a mutual friend she doesnt want a boyfriend right now. I am 99 percent sure the breakup was do to her stressed homelife. I have told her I wanted to start dating her again. I haven't ever felt this driven towards someone. Though when I hear she "doesnt want a boyfriend" all I hear is she doesnt want to be with me which is .... blah. I dont know. She wasnt the one to break contact so I dunno. I guess I could go out and see how it goes. Is it so hard to accept that a good looking , real, successful guy wants to go out with you ? I know she has been in some really crappy relationships according to her. Maybe she is only attracted to dirtbag guys.
New_Life08 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 If I were you I would not have any expectations. If she catches on to that, you are doomed. I know it is hard to want someone who has rejected you, but if you cannot be sincere in having a friendship with her you are going to wind up in more pain.
Author Pfiend101 Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 How about this? Go out and play it by ear then ask her out on a "date" at the end of the evening or would that be too soon?
alexxx Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Shes told a mutual friend she doesnt want a boyfriend right now. Oh, please don't buy that. This is one of the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. It's a "guilt" thing again; not wanting to hurt your feelings. If an opportunity arises tomorrow and the right guy shows up, she will forget this statement altogether and jump into a bf/gf relationship.
TaraMaiden Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 How about this? Go out and play it by ear then ask her out on a "date" at the end of the evening or would that be too soon?Not only too soon, too late for you. Don't you get it? However wonderful, good looking and successful you are - you're not her type, and she's ditched you. But you're comforting. You're a good soft place to fall for the time being. She doesn't want to go out with you - she wants to have some known company until what she IS looking for, comes along.... 'Dating' her again is completely out of the question and if you even so much as hint at it, she'll squirm like a fish in a barrel. The only thing you're going to get, out of seeing her again - is pain. Oh, please don't buy that. This is one of the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. It's a "guilt" thing again; not wanting to hurt your feelings. If an opportunity arises tomorrow and the right guy shows up, she will forget this statement altogether and jump into a bf/gf relationship. Yup. Absolutely spot-on. You're an interim guy. It doesn't matter if she falls for the 'wrong' guy. As far as she's concerned, he's the 'right' guy. Until she finds out otherwise, if she ever does..... Please - just listen to what we're trying to tell you.....ok?
Author Pfiend101 Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 well.. back to no contact I guess. The last time I saw her all it did was open an old wound. My heart is still broken as lame as it sounds. I dont want to be anyones doormat the way I have treated her... I dont deserve that.
TaraMaiden Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Yup. Complete, total, no-nonsense, cut-off. Really, the whole hog. In every single which way possible. Just never contact her again, and if she gets in touch with you - and she will - IG-NORE!!!
Author Pfiend101 Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 (edited) Her last relationship was with a guy that was a big time stoner and druggie. He didnt appreciate her. It hurts that she will stay with someone like that and not me. I told her how I felt after we broke up and she said she didnt deserve me and I deserve better. What a cop out. Maybe I should be rude to women if thats what they are truly attracted to. It's not rude I know its confidence which is a shame I wasn't nearly as confident as I am now when my ex had first met me. Edited October 3, 2009 by Pfiend101
hoping2heal Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Her last relationship was with a guy that was a big time stoner and druggie. He didnt appreciate her. It hurts that she will stay with someone like that and not me. I told her how I felt after we broke up and she said she didnt deserve me and I deserve better. What a cop out. Maybe I should be rude to women if thats what they are truly attracted to. It's not rude I know its confidence which is a shame I wasn't nearly as confident as I am now when my ex had first met me. The fact that her last relationship was with a big time druggie and stoner should of been your first clue about HER. Now, unless a woman is lied too, by a smooth operater (and that DOES happen) If a woman dates loser types druggie/stoner, in trouble with the law constantly, jobless etc... If you hear that her ex boyfriend is a "big loser" for those types of reasons, that says quite a bit right there for what kind of charachter SHE has, that she is attracted too and dates these type of people. Same with hearing about women who have been mistreated a lot in their past relationships, tread very lightly. That should be your first red flag in your next relationships.
smookie Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I did not know that I was expecting more from being "just friends" but I found out last night I was by this time I was hurt crying and thinking of ways to hurt him as much as he hurt me. In the end there is nothing I can do.. There is nothing I want to do except for move on and try to forget about him.. I thought being friends could work, It so does not ... NC FULLY!
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