whattodonow12 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 This place has really been so, so valuable to me over the last week or so. It has helped me tremendously... evaluate myself... made me really think. I have briefly spoken with my MM over the past couple of days. And, I mean very brief... only about the supposed email that outed us and further what he told his wife. He still ended up lying and continuing to lie, but I am sure that she pressed more and he had to explain( "lie") more. I told him that I was very uncomfortable with the thought that I am the only one responsible here and how I was "painted" to her. She actually was upset that we were chatting online last winter. (that was before we were physical with one another) He promised her at that time he wouldn't speak with me anymore, but that didn't last a week. Well, since this happened, she now believes that we were speaking again...albeit infrequently and that I let him know that I would like more, and he didn't back away. However, she is completely unaware that we were in a full blown affair... emotionally and physically. She thinks it was us just being somewhat interested in one another. And, now she is just wanting to work on what is wrong with them. I wished him well and told him that I hoped he gets everything he wants. I am moving on and going to do my best to have something better for myself in my life. I am coming out of a broken/abusive marriage of 18 years, and I just want to have a good life. I don't want to cause anyone else unnecessary pain. However, eventhough he is going to try and work on his marriage for the sake of his family, he is still doing it with lies and dishonesty. I am not sure how that can work and you guys can say whether it really will from your experience. I am curious about that. But, either way, I am not working to end their marriage. I just want to fix myself. And, I will not be contacting him or him me. I may need your help there when I become weak.... because regardless... I know that we both had real and deep feelings for one another. But, in the end, unless things present themselves so that we both are free and can see one another the right way.. there is just no way.
Devil Inside Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 WTD...you seem to be handling this all as well as you can. It sucks to be the only one handling the situation with integrity at this stage...but these As are breeding grounds for lies...so you are going against the trend...good for you. Will his marriage work...it's gone on this long...so maybe. If he is not honest with himself however, I do not see him being happy or staying satisfied with how things are. Hopefully he can figure out what is missing and whether he can get that from inside his marriage or not. Either way...you are wise to remove yourself from the picture. If you need support when feeling weak you know where to find us. I know all about feeling weak...and it helps to come here for support and tough love. Good luck to you.
norajane Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 However, eventhough he is going to try and work on his marriage for the sake of his family, he is still doing it with lies and dishonesty. I am not sure how that can work and you guys can say whether it really will from your experience. I am curious about that.I'd like to say of course that won't work at all! But, the truth is, it will work out depending on how good a liar he is, how much effort he puts into making her believe his lies through pretense and manipulation mixed in with a few genuine actions, and how much of the benefit of the doubt she really, really wants to give him. Face it, you know he's a liar - a big one. You know he's dishonest. And yet, you leave the door open anyway by saying, But, in the end, unless things present themselves so that we both are free and can see one another the right way...So even though you know he's a liar to the core, you are still open to him. Just think how his wife might want to give him even more of a chance because of their history and family together! And she's not nearly as certain as you are of how big a liar he really is. When you feel weak, please understand that the problem here isn't that you both aren't "free to see one another the right way". The problem here is that he is a weak man with poor conflict resolution skills and believes that lying is the way to live your life to get what you want. Even if you were free to see one another "the right way", he's still going to be a liar because he thinks he knows best how to handle things. He isn't giving his wife the benefit of complete information about what is going on in their marriage so that she can make her own informed decisions about their marriage. He is deciding for her that lying to her is the best option. Is that really the kind of man you want to hitch your star to? Do you think you want to be the one wondering if you should be giving him the benefit of the doubt and when is he or isn't he lying to you? There's better out there for you. Find it.
Author whattodonow12 Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 Oh gosh, Norajane, no truer words could probably ever be said. I need help.. I need the strength to find what is out there for me. I just hope I can do it. I was so weak tonight... so weak that I almost phoned him. I am so glad that I didn't. Instead, I decided that I needed to go to GNC and buy new vitamins. LOL ... ANYTHING....to distract me. It is just sickening that I am like this.... just sickening to me. I am so embarrassed and sad
inhindsight Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Oh gosh, Norajane, no truer words could probably ever be said. I need help.. I need the strength to find what is out there for me. I just hope I can do it. I was so weak tonight... so weak that I almost phoned him. I am so glad that I didn't. Instead, I decided that I needed to go to GNC and buy new vitamins. LOL ... ANYTHING....to distract me. It is just sickening that I am like this.... just sickening to me. I am so embarrassed and sad don't be embarrassed. There is a real pain in letting of a relationship, as wrong and clandestine as it is. It friggin' hurts.... badly. Hold on to yourself... you can do it. You are stronger than you realize. As for him... let him go and don't look back, even if he comes a'knockin'. NC is the only way to heal.
fooled once Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 I hope you are doing okay and haven't given in to wanting to call him. I can sympathize with the overwhelming URGE/DESIRE to call. One day at a time. I am moving on and going to do my best to have something better for myself in my life. I am coming out of a broken/abusive marriage of 18 years, and I just want to have a good life. You WILL have a good life. Rediscover you. Find out what YOU want out of life. It could be a very exciting journey! Come post here when you get weak, lonely or mad!
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