ghettoGospel Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 There are a couple issues about my boyfriend that bother me. I really want advice on how to address them. First, he keeps mentioning moving to Illinois (we are on the West Coast). And I'm thinking: "If you are moving, then why the heck are you dating me?" He also uses and sells. Every time he tells me he used the other night I feel like he just told me he made out with some other chick. It makes me angry and hurt. But since we've only been an official couple for two weeks I feel like I don't yet have a right to those feelings much less am able to tell him "OMG. I hate your habits. If you don't stop, I'm leaving you." Then he lives 45 min.s away and rarely is able to have long phone conversations with me. He always says he has a customer calling or a friend or is just busy. And I know for a fact he would drop everything for his ex-girl when she would call! I mean I have things to say too, goshdarn it! Opinions? Advice? Empathy?
D-Lish Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Honestly, dealing drugs and using drugs isn't something I would classify as quirks. I'd call those serious red flags.
ReturnToSender Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Honestly, dealing drugs and using drugs isn't something I would classify as quirks. I'd call those serious red flags. Thats exactly what I was thinking as I read this. Thats run for the hills material..not quirks at all. For the other two things...hard to say. Yovue only been dating for 2 weeks, so I cant say its unreasonable that he isnt including you in major life plans at this moment in time. Also...what to you is a long phone call? As much as Ive liked talking to my "bf" after about 10m Im kinda done with being on the phone...that to me is a long call...on average it would be about 5m. We only see/saw each other once a week or so for most of our time together and we live 40m from each other...but im pretty straightforward..unless theres some issue, it doesnt really take that long to fill each other in on whats going on.
boogieboy Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 You cant go though life thinking you can change people to fit your own ideals. He has his own life. He's not head over heels for you, so hes not going to change his life for you. Plus hes not over his ex yet. If you dont like him the way he is then dont date him.
Bejita463 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I feel like I don't yet have a right to those feelings much less am able to tell him "OMG. I hate your habits. If you don't stop, I'm leaving you." If your partner is right for you, changing them will not be necessary. If you feel the need to "fix" your partner, they are wrong for you. Especially if the reason they are wrong is that they are a drug dealer.
Thornton Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 He isn't exactly making a huge effort to be your "boyfriend" is he? He isn't even interested in talking to you when you call, he just makes excuses. You have to ask, what is he getting out of this relationship? Sex? Because he sure as hell doesn't seem to want to talk to you! 2 weeks into the relationship should still be the happy in-love honeymoon period, if he's already avoiding talking to you it doesn't bode well. Plus, as others have said, the fact he deals and uses drugs is a huge red flag, and you should dump him immediately and run far, far away.
stace79 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 First off, using/dealing drugs is not a quirk. It's a major issue. Even if you also use drugs, the dealing part presents even more hazards, like putting you at risk for arrest or harm from other dealers/addicts. Second, maybe he just does not view you as a serious girlfriend if he's talking about moving with no regard to your feelings. And third, if he is making you feel unimportant due to not taking your calls or making efforts, you should just back off. You don't need him to be your boyfriend, so back off and if you truly mean something to him, he will start making the effort. But I would highly advise against being with a guy who uses/deals drugs. Not a good environment for anyone.
brevifolia Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Honestly, dealing drugs and using drugs isn't something I would classify as quirks. I'd call those serious red flags. Yep. Definitely not things that would make me call someone "quirky". You say you don't feel entitled to tell him what you don't like about his habits after two weeks... well I'd say this is the perfect time to lay your cards on the table and see what his reaction is. If he can't/won't meet the minimum needs of a relationship (I'd say talking on the phone for a decent length of time on a fairly regular basis is pretty basic) then it's better to know now so you can get out of there fast. If your values differ so greatly that you can't abide his taking drugs (let alone dealing!) then I'd say that's a pretty enormous conflict of personal interests and values. How could you be happy and secure in this relationship if after a fortnight these issues are already apparent? As I think everyone has already said - run and don't look back.
bean1 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 First, he keeps mentioning moving to Illinois He also uses and sells. we've only been an official couple for two weeks Then he lives 45 min.s away and rarely is able to have long phone conversations with me. . And I know for a fact he would drop everything for his ex-girl Where is your self-respect?
TaraMaiden Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Opinions? Any person who deals in, or takes drugs as a serious line of life, is a huge loser, and cannot be trusted, in any way shape or form. The guy's complete trouble. Advice? Head for the door marked 'lemme out of here!' and keep going. Fast. Empathy? Hmmmm.... none , I'm afraid. I'd have dropped the guy the moment I discovered hard chemical addictive substances played any part in his life. Surprised you need to ask, actually. Sorry, but it's common sense.
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