travelbug Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 So here's my situation...I'm 31, my ex is 38 and he just ended our 9 year relationship. I didn't want it to end, I love him, and want to get back together. I'll try to squeeze a 9 year summary here as concisely as possible: For the first 5 years or so he was trying to get his life together...career going, getting out of debt, ect, and I was way more into him, completely in love, wanting to marry him. Around the 5 year mark he had some substance issues, mainly alcohol, he started seeing some really young girl and we split up for about 8 or 9 months (I saw someone briefly too), then got back together and moved in together for the first time. Right before he moved in he got a job traveling around the country, as often as 1-3 weeks a month and I went back to school for another degree. So in other words we started seeing less of each other. He turned his life around and became serious about me and essentially proposed. But I wanted to focus on getting my new career going and wasn't ready to marry. He grew increasingly frustrated that I didn't want to marry him (though I really did, just not yet), and that I didn't express my feelings to him or show him that I cared (at least not like I used to). We ended up separating last December--he moved out, but we kept dating. It got a lot better at first, then evened out again, although we took a couple trips including a week in Hawaii at the end of May. About mid-August 2 weeks went by and neither of us contacted the other (we usually talk almost every day even when he's on the road), we exchanged a couple quick calls after that, then about a week later (1 month ago) he gives me the "I can only offer friendship right now" line and says he's met someone. I of course cried, told him that I really am ready to marry him, will do better at showing affection, yadda yadda, but he said that he loves me very much but has made a decision, and we just seem to have bad timing, ect...He says he's seeing someone now,but he was just saying how much he loves me a couple months ago and talking about marriage just this Spring. Advice? Especially from anyone that's been in a long-term relationship/marriage? I still love him very much, and I know he still has feelings for me. Should I persue him? And if so, how? I tried the no contact strategy for 2 weeks. He ended up calling last Thursday. I let it go to voicemail...he said he was just thinking about me, wondered how I was doing, and hoped I was well. I waited until Monday to call him back as to not seem too eager, but he hasn't responded to my call. I'm trying to give him the "step back" he asked for and not pour my heart out, cry, and do all that other lame girl stuff he's probably expecting. However, a large part of the reason it ended was my difficulty showing & telling him how I felt (we have a total gender role reversal going on ) so I'm wondering if I should. Anyway...do I leave well enough alone and just sit back and hope he comes back to me, assuming he knows I still love him or do I just come right out and tell him I want to get back together? Is one month even long enough of a break? I have no idea if he's seeing this other gal still. Help!
hoping2heal Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Out of curiosity why do you believe he has feelings for you? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he doesn't have rightful PLATONIC feelings for you and care about your well being, but you two were together for NINE YEARS and he chose to sevver the ties, why does that make you think he has romantic feelings for you?
hopesndreams Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 About mid-August 2 weeks went by and neither of us contacted the other (we usually talk almost every day even when he's on the road), we exchanged a couple quick calls after that, then about a week later (1 month ago) he gives me the "I can only offer friendship right now" line and says he's met someone. I of course cried, told him that I really am ready to marry him, will do better at showing affection, yadda yadda, but he said that he loves me very much but has made a decision, and we just seem to have bad timing, ect...He says he's seeing someone now,but he was just saying how much he loves me a couple months ago and talking about marriage just this Spring. You have expressed to him what he means to you and it wasn't that long ago either. He knows you still have feelings for him and when he contacted you recently it was to see how you were coping. There is no need for you to repeat what you have told him. He is still with the other girl, no reason for you to wonder if he is or isn't, he is. Even though you went to Hawaii together at the end of May, chances are he has known her for longer than he has made out. In other words, he checked out and most likely cheated on you when you were both together. That's why he is having an easy time of it and gives you a call here or there and/or ignores your calls altogether.
Author travelbug Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 Out of curiosity why do you believe he has feelings for you? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he doesn't have rightful PLATONIC feelings for you and care about your well being, but you two were together for NINE YEARS and he chose to sevver the ties, why does that make you think he has romantic feelings for you? Well, because he told me he loves me very much, still wants me to be a part of his life, and still feels things. And also the way he has been communication/phrasing things since he broke it off. A large part of the reason he broke it off is because he thought I was the one that didn't care. I've of course cleared that up, but he is still standing firm on his decision.
Lishy Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 In answer to your original question the only way you will get him back is NO CONTACT!! None at all including answering any texts no matter what they say ... nothing at all! disappear, be as quiet as a mouse, *poof* into thin air and if he wants you then you will know! If not then his damn loss!! The only way you know what you had is when its gone and for you to persue him would be madness! The question is ..... can you do that?
hoping2heal Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Well, because he told me he loves me very much, still wants me to be a part of his life, and still feels things. And also the way he has been communication/phrasing things since he broke it off. A large part of the reason he broke it off is because he thought I was the one that didn't care. I've of course cleared that up, but he is still standing firm on his decision. Okay, so let me see if I get this straight. You think he loves you because he has told you that he loves you, he has also phrased and communicated things certain ways. However, as far as his actions go; he will not commit to you, and he has even told you he's met someone else at some point. Mmm Hmm. I see. Travelbug, it's a hard lesson to learn sometimes but talk is cheap. I don't understand all these women hanging around for a guy who won't be in a relationship with them, is diddling around on the side, is eating their cake and having someone wash the dishes too, and it comes down to this one : Well, he told me he loves me. Well telling someone you love them means very little without the action of love to back it up.
Msbrokenheart Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 i think im kinda in the same boat, been going ut for 5 years and he breaks up, now with someone else after a month and called me 3 days ago saying he misses me alot and loves me, and doesn;t know if he should be with her. Then i find out they're planning a holiday together next month..im burning.. i dont know what advice to give am im in the same situation. I wish you all the luck, i did try NC but ended up breaking it cos i had a car accident...i hate him so much for doing that..but i think the only solution is definately to move on.. and i really like what hoping2heal said about "Well telling someone you love them means very little without the action of love to back it up."
contax Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Okay, so let me see if I get this straight. You think he loves you because he has told you that he loves you, he has also phrased and communicated things certain ways. However, as far as his actions go; he will not commit to you, and he has even told you he's met someone else at some point. Mmm Hmm. I see. Travelbug, it's a hard lesson to learn sometimes but talk is cheap. I don't understand all these women hanging around for a guy who won't be in a relationship with them, is diddling around on the side, is eating their cake and having someone wash the dishes too, and it comes down to this one : Well, he told me he loves me. Well telling someone you love them means very little without the action of love to back it up. What you wrote is incredibly on point and inspiring! It's all about self respect! I too learned I'm better than going back to my ex who jumped into a relationship 3 days after ours ended. I've been no contact for 5 months. I'm commited to healing the right way. To the original poster I would suggest you do no contact, as your love would be more effective focused in a more worthwhile direction.
robinincarolina Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Men respond to distance not words, they are farsighted, meaning they see you clearer from a distance. I too went through a similar situation. I would not open up my feelings, I waited too long to do it. A little too much a little to late. Now I am on month 3 of no contact, it does get easier. I was told I will always be loved, he was in love, but like above was mentioned, without the actions it means nothing.
Author travelbug Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 Thank you robinincarolina...it's good to know I'm not the only gal out there that couldn't get the feelings out. And thanks to all who've replied ) So the consensus is no contact, which I'm doing. But what if he contacts me? He called a couple weeks ago (left me a vm)...I waited 4 or 5 days to call him back (I left him a vm) but he never responded to it. If he calls/emails again...should I respond and if so, should I wait at all? Thanks!
gavinus Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Stay NC!! do not make the mistake most of us here have made, which is break NC...all that happens is you end up getting hurt!! How can he come to miss you if you are there? He has made his choice, it is his loss, stay NC, get some self respect and you will be ok. Have you thought of this, you are way younger than him!! That works in your favour. Show him what he is missing by not contacting him, for all he knows you have met an amazing guy and are not mssing him at all. If he does contact you post here first! Stay strong, you can do it
Author travelbug Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 So I seem to be sticking to the no contact advice everyone is giving me, although it's only been a couple weeks. But what about this...To help me get through this break up I'm taking a 3 week trip to Thailand starting next week...should I send him a light hearted post card or short note while I'm there? Or a quick email with a few pics of me having a great time? Just to say hey, here I am in Thailand having a great time kind of thing? I would think that would make him curious (and jealous) and want to call? Thanks!
NoneoftheAbove Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 So I seem to be sticking to the no contact advice everyone is giving me, although it's only been a couple weeks. But what about this...To help me get through this break up I'm taking a 3 week trip to Thailand starting next week...should I send him a light hearted post card or short note while I'm there? Or a quick email with a few pics of me having a great time? Just to say hey, here I am in Thailand having a great time kind of thing? I would think that would make him curious (and jealous) and want to call? Thanks! Personally, i dont think that would be a good idea. Why? making him jealous of what? because you are taking a trip? if he wants to, if he truly loves you, if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you no matter what he will return. By doing that, you will be putting yourself in " very immature" position. While you are there take your time to work on yourself, you cant make someone call you its gotta come within them.
Author travelbug Posted October 16, 2009 Author Posted October 16, 2009 Yeah, you do have a point. I guess I was thinking if he knew I was off traveling and having a good time he see (or at least have the impression) that I'm moving on and be more likely to call. The no contact thing just seems to go against logic. It's been nearly 3 weeks now since we've talked & I still feel this constant need to tell him that I want to work things out. It just seems like the more time that goes by without communication, the farther away he'll get and the less likely it will be that we will patch things up.
Author travelbug Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 So my ex called twice today--left a mesage saying he was thinking about me, wondering how I was doing, and to call him back. Call him...yay or nay?
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