ecm Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I've read lots of threads/posts/comments on this HORRIBLY ADDICTING site. There's lots of talk about NC, being strong, getting over it, etc. So, what advice do any of you have as far as when they come back? I mean, if they come back and SAY they've changed, how do you know if it's real? For instance, my ex is a commitment phobe. Aside from therapy, what possible signs could indicate is seriously ready and/or able to HAVE a relationship? Does anyone have any input/ past experiences? Any good ones? Any bad ones?
JaggedRoad Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Stop holding onto hope. I'm sorry, but it's just not good for you.
Island Girl Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 You'd know more than we would what would be differences in him. I'd just say that as the dumper who went back on occasion - it always ended badly just as it had the first time. The same things that drove me away to begin with would still be there and once we were both back in those things quickly became more glaring than before so I'd end up dumping them all over again. It may have happened like that because they'd jump right back in instead of making me show my sincerity, etc. Maybe had they taken things slowly it would have been different. I don't know. I generally say don't get back with an ex. It ended for a reason and it is best to just move on.
Surfer Girl Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 The only Cp reconcilliation I have observed on LS is Georgia Girl.... look up her posts.... NC and she was ready to move on.....IMHO the cp would have to realize he had a problem with committment and would want help to overcome the problem...I believe this would be the first action I would want to observe.... I would think the cp would want to seek therapy to get to the root of the problem
hoping2heal Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I've read lots of threads/posts/comments on this HORRIBLY ADDICTING site. There's lots of talk about NC, being strong, getting over it, etc. So, what advice do any of you have as far as when they come back? I mean, if they come back and SAY they've changed, how do you know if it's real? For instance, my ex is a commitment phobe. Aside from therapy, what possible signs could indicate is seriously ready and/or able to HAVE a relationship? Does anyone have any input/ past experiences? Any good ones? Any bad ones? A person needs to prove through consistency; not days, not weeks but months upon months and continue on the path of that consistency. Then you will know they have changed, it won't be something you know is real based on a conversation or a look or a boquet of flowers. Also, comittment phobes have a fear of intimacy; I know this because I've come to realise I am a reformed comittment phobe . Still a work in progress, I'm still afraid of intimacy; but not as afraid thanks to my wonderful partner . Is it possible we will decide to change? Yes, it is. But I've had to prove (rightfully so) that I've changed to my partner with ACTIONS..months and months of actions. I've never gotten back with an ex who wanted too, and I'm glad for it. The man I have now is the man that is most right for me. He's my one of a kind snuggle bunny fluff . We have a relationship unlike anything I've experienced in the past, and I can't think of one ex who would outdo my current partner in terms of compatibility and overall just everything. He draws so many good things out of me. I kind of laugh now at the times I thought I would "never love again" because I thought I had it as good as it gets...GAH! How WRONG I was then . So yeah..it's not always for the best we get our exes back anyway, but if one does come back..they will GO OUT OF THEIR WAY to PROVE themselves. You won't even have to ask..they will just be right there doing every and any thing they can think of to prove that they are not a waste of your time. Not just for a few days or a few weeks, but for months. Again, I live it so you're talking to the source here.
Author ecm Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 Stop holding onto hope. I'm sorry, but it's just not good for you. No worries. No need to say "I'm sorry". I'm asking partially so when he does (which has been happening for five years now) I know how to shoot down frivolous attempts at regaining entrance to my own personal love shack. I don't like to be messed with (which sounds ridiculous as I re-read my previous sentence.) And I want to know for FUTURE reference, as I seem to be attracted to bad boys...not that I would HOPEFULLY ever let someone play this game again. I just like to hear things, that's all.
Author ecm Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 The only Cp reconcilliation I have observed on LS is Georgia Girl.... look up her posts.... NC and she was ready to move on.....IMHO the cp would have to realize he had a problem with committment and would want help to overcome the problem...I believe this would be the first action I would want to observe.... I would think the cp would want to seek therapy to get to the root of the problem fabulous! thanks, SurferGirl
hoping2heal Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 No worries. No need to say "I'm sorry". I'm asking partially so when he does (which has been happening for five years now) I know how to shoot down frivolous attempts at regaining entrance to my own personal love shack. I don't like to be messed with (which sounds ridiculous as I re-read my previous sentence.) And I want to know for FUTURE reference, as I seem to be attracted to bad boys...not that I would HOPEFULLY ever let someone play this game again. I just like to hear things, that's all. If you are attracted to "bad boys" you might want to do a little soul searching of yourself. You are drawn to relationships that have a reliable "out" to them, do you realise that?
caramel c Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 A person needs to prove through consistency; not days, not weeks but months upon months and continue on the path of that consistency. Then you will know they have changed, it won't be something you know is real based on a conversation or a look or a boquet of flowers. Also, comittment phobes have a fear of intimacy; I know this because I've come to realise I am a reformed comittment phobe . Still a work in progress, I'm still afraid of intimacy; but not as afraid thanks to my wonderful partner . Is it possible we will decide to change? Yes, it is. But I've had to prove (rightfully so) that I've changed to my partner with ACTIONS..months and months of actions. I've never gotten back with an ex who wanted too, and I'm glad for it. The man I have now is the man that is most right for me. He's my one of a kind snuggle bunny fluff . We have a relationship unlike anything I've experienced in the past, and I can't think of one ex who would outdo my current partner in terms of compatibility and overall just everything. He draws so many good things out of me. I kind of laugh now at the times I thought I would "never love again" because I thought I had it as good as it gets...GAH! How WRONG I was then . So yeah..it's not always for the best we get our exes back anyway, but if one does come back..they will GO OUT OF THEIR WAY to PROVE themselves. You won't even have to ask..they will just be right there doing every and any thing they can think of to prove that they are not a waste of your time. Not just for a few days or a few weeks, but for months. Again, I live it so you're talking to the source here. I love reading your posts, you are so right on. Would you mind giving us examples of what you've done to prove yourself? I am very interested in knowing what it took for you.
Author ecm Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 A person needs to prove through consistency; not days, not weeks but months upon months and continue on the path of that consistency. Then you will know they have changed, it won't be something you know is real based on a conversation or a look or a boquet of flowers. Also, comittment phobes have a fear of intimacy; I know this because I've come to realise I am a reformed comittment phobe . Still a work in progress, I'm still afraid of intimacy; but not as afraid thanks to my wonderful partner . Is it possible we will decide to change? Yes, it is. But I've had to prove (rightfully so) that I've changed to my partner with ACTIONS..months and months of actions. I've never gotten back with an ex who wanted too, and I'm glad for it. The man I have now is the man that is most right for me. He's my one of a kind snuggle bunny fluff . We have a relationship unlike anything I've experienced in the past, and I can't think of one ex who would outdo my current partner in terms of compatibility and overall just everything. He draws so many good things out of me. I kind of laugh now at the times I thought I would "never love again" because I thought I had it as good as it gets...GAH! How WRONG I was then . So yeah..it's not always for the best we get our exes back anyway, but if one does come back..they will GO OUT OF THEIR WAY to PROVE themselves. You won't even have to ask..they will just be right there doing every and any thing they can think of to prove that they are not a waste of your time. Not just for a few days or a few weeks, but for months. Again, I live it so you're talking to the source here. Hey hoping2heal: I'm definitely a CP. No doubt. I just read your 2nd post too and I definitely realize that!! I even think I stay a little heavier than I should be so I don't have to put myself out there. So, I know. And I was alwasy the one who "ran" 'Til I met him. Then I had NO DOUBTS. To me, (and to everyone who knows us, him) he was my "one of a kind snuggle bunny fluff" (and yes,I almost vomited as I just hit cope and paste- lol). So, to see that you thought you'd never love again and to hear about your new guy makes me smile. Thanks. If I were not on here, hearing different people's stories, I think I'd be thinking about him more... and not thinking of the NEGATIVE things, you know? You have good things to say. Very wise. thanks
Author ecm Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 I love reading your posts, you are so right on. Would you mind giving us examples of what you've done to prove yourself? I am very interested in knowing what it took for you. Yep. What she said
hoping2heal Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I love reading your posts, you are so right on. Would you mind giving us examples of what you've done to prove yourself? I am very interested in knowing what it took for you. Well, I offered access to anything I use online and passwords for transparency, I at times showed proof of appointments I'd been too, etc. to verify I was being honest. I took an active interest in what was important to him and made it a point to become a good listener; i.e shut off the television or computer when he was talking about something important and keeping my mouth shut to LISTEN. Being attentive, going out of my way to do sweet and romantic things for him..and I still 6 months later to do this day do all of that on a fairly regular basis make cards, love sentiments, etc. I write him heart felt love letters etc. I do everything I can to think about how my actions will affect him, I've gone out on a limb to express myself and open myself up and I've become very vulnerable with him. Something I've never done in the past. I'm just in a continual open minded state of "how can I be a better partner? What am I doing well and what can I do better to support him more and make him feel good and appreciated?" I always think about what is going to benefit us both in the long run, and at times that includes putting my foot down when HE is not on top of his game either. We are always growing together and I will tell you the relationship we have now is really amazing, especially if you would have seen us about 7 months ago. We were fighting like every 2 days (my fault) and it went on like that for about 2 months, there was a point where I don't even know if we "liked" eachother anymore, just loved eachother. I've worked really hard, and he had to work just as hard also; he had to go out on a limb and give me the opportunity to turn things around, and he also has started to make himself vulnerable again and be more expressive and "Test the waters". It was the best thing I ever did, he is a really wonderful man, I am happy and greatful and THANKFUL for him each and every day, even the days he's driving me nuts! I still am crazy, madly, ga ga in love and head over heels for this man.
caramel c Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Well, I offered access to anything I use online and passwords for transparency, I at times showed proof of appointments I'd been too, etc. to verify I was being honest. I took an active interest in what was important to him and made it a point to become a good listener; i.e shut off the television or computer when he was talking about something important and keeping my mouth shut to LISTEN. Being attentive, going out of my way to do sweet and romantic things for him..and I still 6 months later to do this day do all of that on a fairly regular basis make cards, love sentiments, etc. I write him heart felt love letters etc. I do everything I can to think about how my actions will affect him, I've gone out on a limb to express myself and open myself up and I've become very vulnerable with him. Something I've never done in the past. I'm just in a continual open minded state of "how can I be a better partner? What am I doing well and what can I do better to support him more and make him feel good and appreciated?" I always think about what is going to benefit us both in the long run, and at times that includes putting my foot down when HE is not on top of his game either. We are always growing together and I will tell you the relationship we have now is really amazing, especially if you would have seen us about 7 months ago. We were fighting like every 2 days (my fault) and it went on like that for about 2 months, there was a point where I don't even know if we "liked" eachother anymore, just loved eachother. I've worked really hard, and he had to work just as hard also; he had to go out on a limb and give me the opportunity to turn things around, and he also has started to make himself vulnerable again and be more expressive and "Test the waters". It was the best thing I ever did, he is a really wonderful man, I am happy and greatful and THANKFUL for him each and every day, even the days he's driving me nuts! I still am crazy, madly, ga ga in love and head over heels for this man. That is really great to hear, I am impressed. Did you two ever break up or no?
Author ecm Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 Hoping2heal : your flluffernutbunny-ism is a man you dumped & went back to?? I was under the impression this was a NEW guy. Interesting... please tell more...
hoping2heal Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 That is really great to hear, I am impressed. Did you two ever break up or no? No, we really didn't. I mean there were times when he would say it was over, or we'd say "We're going on a break" but those only lasted 1 or 2 days, i.e once the anger blew over we were back again. I think what saved us to be honest, was the fact we were still in the "Getting to know you stage" when I was being a pain in the ass and pulling my BS to avoid intimacy, etc. Had we spent say 6 months or a year getting to know eachother, and then out of the blue I pulled all that crap? I think the betrayel I caused him; which was deep and severe enough as it was; would of been much worse. He learned about all my issues fairly early on and I put him through a lot of pain and agony, but I do think it would of come as the demise of our relationship had he learned about it all later on. That said; the fact that he learned about it up front as early on as he did speaks volumes about things. He was always special right from the start, and I'd hoped things would be different with him but unfortunately when I felt us getting "too close" I had to go and pull my BS and do what I could to create a distance there. There was just something about him though that I knew, if I didn't just clean up my act and change my ways I was really going to regret losing this one. I see now that I was right! I would of really had a loss with this wonderful man! I have learned now to value him and appreciate him. Something I can't say about any of my past men even though I was very attatched to them emotionally. I have had to work hard in this relationship and I value it now; I see appreciation now and it just gets better every single day. I always want him to know how special he is to me and how loved he is by me. I never want there to be a doubt, so I think before I act and treat him like the precious man he is .
hoping2heal Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Hoping2heal : your flluffernutbunny-ism is a man you dumped & went back to?? I was under the impression this was a NEW guy. Interesting... please tell more... No, I had never dumped him. My commitment phobia was a bit more "subtle" but just as damaging none the less, I would do things to INTENTIONALLY sabotage the relationships I had from the begining, knowing at some point they would have to end.
Author ecm Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 hoping2heal #1) why aren't you making out with him right now instead of talking to us? When I find someone whose face I can stand, I'll be spending WAAAAAAY less time in my office/den (Not that I'm mad to hear the advice, though) #2) did you ever tell him you didn't love him? ( I ask #1) b/c mine did when I backed him into a corner and #2) I've done it to a previous ex and LIED through my teeth b/c I did realize I did love him after if was too late!! )
Author ecm Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 hoping2heal: Sorry to like cyberstalk you & ask so many questions, but do you mind sharing any sabotaging examples? I know many examples, having been on both ends, but you say you're more of a "subtle" CP? It's just interesting to me to hear things things and think "oh, yeah...I get it now" ya know? This site is like a drug, I swear!!!1
hoping2heal Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 hoping2heal #1) why aren't you making out with him right now instead of talking to us? When I find someone whose face I can stand, I'll be spending WAAAAAAY less time in my office/den (Not that I'm mad to hear the advice, though) Well, two reasons..A) we are in an LDR.. B) He is probably resting up for work right now. I do kiss his photo though sometimes (yeah I know it's corny but! ) #2) did you ever tell him you didn't love him? ( I ask #1) b/c mine did when I backed him into a corner and #2) I've done it to a previous ex and LIED through my teeth b/c I did realize I did love him after if was too late!! ) I've never told him that I DIDN'T love him, no.
Author ecm Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 H2H: thanks for your input. I'm glad you've found such a fabulous guy. The thought of my ex using what he learned from me on someone else(being a good / caring /loving person, etc) really dives me insane. So you pretty much "figured it out" (what you had in him) on your own. You're lucky I'm going to try....TRY to walk away from the computer now. We'll see what happens. Thanks everyone! GLEEEEEEEEEE!
Surfer Girl Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Some partners would rather not have to delve into explaining their feelings, as that would be opening up to a barrage of feelings that they may not be comfortable with, so it is easier to not have to explain or express deep emotions that they may not want to come to terms with..... It really is unfortunate, because as much as they want to love and be loved, it is easier to run..... and they may never know what that feeling will encompass..... As h2h said it takes months..... as deep rooted as it is.... it is not something that happens overnight.....It is hard to address and change a behavior you are comfortable with.....
hoping2heal Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 hoping2heal: Sorry to like cyberstalk you & ask so many questions, but do you mind sharing any sabotaging examples? I know many examples, having been on both ends, but you say you're more of a "subtle" CP? It's just interesting to me to hear things things and think "oh, yeah...I get it now" ya know? This site is like a drug, I swear!!!1 LOL you are funny. No I don't mind. Well let's see.. if you will notice I mentioned I'm in an LDR..ALL of them have been LDR's (that's what I mean by my signs were subtle, picking partners who were far away for example. Also, I never dump my partners, I instead do things so they will dump me) Okay as for the sabotaging..well I will start lying a lot for example, as they say there can be no intimacy without trust..and what's the quickest way to ruin trust? Lying. I would develop a false sense of intimacy with people, but never a true one. I also often would not share my true feelings about things, just would say what I THOUGHT should be said. I was very closed up and held back. My poor partner, I was a nightmare and he would of 86'd my ass right quick if I wouldn't of snapped out of it, make no mistake. We almost really did become over-finite-for GOOD and I KNEW I'd pushed him too far. I knew it was time to nut up or shut up (sorry blame those zombieland commercials on constantly LOL). So, just having the sense that if I let this one go I was going to regret it..I got on the fast track and turned **** around RIGHT QUICK. I was in counselling, etc. everything. You name it, I did it. He didn't even need to ask like I said..I was the one pondering and thinking what I needed to do to prove myself and what needed to be done. It's been about 6 months now of honest, vulnerability and the two of growing and having REAL intimacy. I turned things around and never looked back; still get scared at times..but I don't let that affect my actions or just screw things up with him.
hoping2heal Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 H2H: thanks for your input. I'm glad you've found such a fabulous guy. The thought of my ex using what he learned from me on someone else(being a good / caring /loving person, etc) really dives me insane. So you pretty much "figured it out" (what you had in him) on your own. You're lucky I'm going to try....TRY to walk away from the computer now. We'll see what happens. Thanks everyone! GLEEEEEEEEEE! I'm VERY lucky he ever gave me a second chance, and quite honestly I don't know if anyone else would of had what he HAD to pull it out of me to change. I really will never know. I have opened up to him and have what I have with him, but I really can't imagine opening myself up this way to anyone else ever again. Which is why I work so hard at this relationship, but also make sure he's on top game also; so there is never any reason to go elsewhere.
caramel c Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 No, we really didn't. I mean there were times when he would say it was over, or we'd say "We're going on a break" but those only lasted 1 or 2 days, i.e once the anger blew over we were back again. I think what saved us to be honest, was the fact we were still in the "Getting to know you stage" when I was being a pain in the ass and pulling my BS to avoid intimacy, etc. Had we spent say 6 months or a year getting to know eachother, and then out of the blue I pulled all that crap? I think the betrayel I caused him; which was deep and severe enough as it was; would of been much worse. He learned about all my issues fairly early on and I put him through a lot of pain and agony, but I do think it would of come as the demise of our relationship had he learned about it all later on. That said; the fact that he learned about it up front as early on as he did speaks volumes about things. He was always special right from the start, and I'd hoped things would be different with him but unfortunately when I felt us getting "too close" I had to go and pull my BS and do what I could to create a distance there. There was just something about him though that I knew, if I didn't just clean up my act and change my ways I was really going to regret losing this one. I see now that I was right! I would of really had a loss with this wonderful man! I have learned now to value him and appreciate him. Something I can't say about any of my past men even though I was very attatched to them emotionally. I have had to work hard in this relationship and I value it now; I see appreciation now and it just gets better every single day. I always want him to know how special he is to me and how loved he is by me. I never want there to be a doubt, so I think before I act and treat him like the precious man he is . That is so wonderful, I'm very happy for you. God bless you both!
caramel c Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I'm VERY lucky he ever gave me a second chance, and quite honestly I don't know if anyone else would of had what he HAD to pull it out of me to change. I really will never know. I have opened up to him and have what I have with him, but I really can't imagine opening myself up this way to anyone else ever again. Which is why I work so hard at this relationship, but also make sure he's on top game also; so there is never any reason to go elsewhere. You are lucky to have him, but, then again you never actually broke up with him for him to have suffered through THAT pain.
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