feeling very low

[Destination Unknown]

I've been married just over a year but we have been together exclusively for 12 years. We were engaged for 3. He's definitely a commitment phobe, cagey about his privacy. I was very easy going (I think) for years about him leading the bachelor life, lots of weekends and nights out without me. I was very trusting and I wanted to be "the cool girlfriend" who didn't keep her guy away from his friends, etc. In return I figured he would never lie to me or keep things from me because there was no need. But 6 or 7 years into the relationship I realize he has the tendency to lie about seemingly trivial things (and not so trivial things, like where he was one weekend...this after we were already engaged). I choose to put it down to commitment and control issues. It's done some damage on me though. I am more cynical, more bitter, and less trusting for sure, something he complains about. I feel like my husband is so easy to dismiss the relationship, telling me I should just leave if I am unhappy, why did I ever marry him etc. [This happened prior to marriage also.] I think it's normal to have some wear and tear and get on each other's nerves, I don't see why finding something irritating in each other or being unhappy with something that was said or done should always deteriorate into this large-scale fight. He never threatens to leave, but he's constantly telling me I am miserable to live with and that I should leave since I am so unhappy. I recognize that I can be bitchy, negative, critical but I feel like I can't even voice legitimate complaints without risking opening the door to a major blowup. I feel manipulated by this. I feel like I am in high school and he wants to force me into "breaking up" so that it looks like it was my choice, but it's actually him that wants to leave the relationship. It hurts me so much that he seems so ready to throw it away. I talk myself into believing that it's a defense mechanism on his part, but what if I am fooling myself ? Even though he only says it when he is angry, maybe I should listen to what he is trying to say, in fairness to him ? I admit I am afraid to call his bluff, because there is a part of me that is sure he really doesn't want me in his life. He tells me he is "miserable" at home. He gets so angry, vicious, raises his voice, swearing, calls me names. I've been trying to not react in kind and it actually scares me because I feel like I am colder inside. I wanted to leave the house tonight when this all started and I took my ring/band off and gave it back to him because I am tired of him telling me how crappy of a person I am. I want to goad him into feeling as frightened of losing our marriage/relationship as I am. I feel guilty and panicky and frustrated and angry all at the same time. I don't want want to be a fool and stick my head in the sand and I don't want to force a situation into crisis mode unduly, either. Obviously I am all over the road. I have nobody impartial to talk to. Sorry for how long this is, it just is so helpful to be able to speak freely.

[Mixitup123]

Please think carefully. I have just come out of a 4 year relationship with my bf, I wasn't married and didn't have children. He did exactly the same to me, we living together, then went abroad together, and then travelled together, which is when we broke. We had broke before too, but got back together, I always wanted him back, because I loved him. Now I know just how little he loved me or even cared for me. He used to say leave if you're not happy, he didn't care really either way, if I was there I was there, if I wasn't I wasn't, didn't make a difference to him, he still did as he pleased. In a relationship, your partner should be saying "why aren't you happy?", "what can we do to change this?", he should be concerned your not happy, and want to sort things out together, through talking, communication. I bet he isn't really very nice to you either is he? Your married, so it is more difficult, but he sounds like he has lost his respect for you (that's if he ever had it in the first place). I think the first 2 years my bf was more infactuated with me than anything, and used me for a place to live etc. You love him, i know, and want it to work because you love him so much, but you have spent 12 years with him already, if it isn't working, and he is treating you that way, please think about it long and hard. I always think relationships are worth fighting for, and that people these days give up too easy, but when you know someone doesn't love you, you can't waste anymore of your life on him. He is probably too scared and spinless to end it himself, that's why he is telling you to leave the whole time. Do you own the home together? Some people are just uncapable of loving and are very good at putting a show on..but deep down there isn't really anything inside.

[singleithink]

hi sorry to here what your going trough, My husband walked out on me 2 weeks ago said he isn't happy and hasn't been for a while so i know the sick feeling and heart break your going trough..... just a suggestion .....but i found i let myself go over the years 2 kids mortgage bills didn't leave a lot of time for getting dressed up and doing make up.....do yourself up every day start going out more on your own and give him something to think about, from what you say your a bit like me i was a door mat and he walked all over me i done everything for him gave up my job to look after kids ironed cloths keep his house clean handed him diner when he walked in the door lots of cups of tea during the evening packed his gym bag and the list goes on and i done it because ilove him and he was happy to sit back and let me anyway my point is look after yourself and when he sees how well you look and that he isn't dragging you down anymore he may cop on to himself

 

i could be completly wrong and u look stunning every day so sorry if all my woffeling on is no help.

 

As the saying if you don't love yourself no one else will

[Destination Unknown]

SingleIthink and Mixitup,

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses. This site is so amazing. It helped me so much just to be able to articulate what I was feeling without reservation. You know how it is, you can't help but "edit" what you say about your relationship's problems to others - your friends, sisters, mothers - because you don't want to burden them or you don't want them to "hate" your spouse/partner, and so on. What a relief to just say exactly how I was feeling. I took the time to read through so many other threads and saw all the other resources that are out there like Homer McDonald, the "180" advice and so on. Especially the 180, that really made an impression on me.

 

After my initial post, I made an effort to put the 180 into practice. I did not call or text my husband with tragic messages per my usual post-argument impulse. (He sits on a community organization board and had a meeting that night, so not only did we argue but he had to leave to go to this meeting so there was no resolution to the argument...hence my frustrated and anxious posting to LS.) When he came home, we did NOT re-commence the argument. It is very hard for me to step away from an unfinished argument. I want to talk it out, I want to be up all night re-hashing it if necessary. This is never productive, it just leads to exhaustion and a crappy, sleep-deprived day at work the following day. So I was proud that I could make a choice about NOT doing this.

 

The following evening after work, we did talk. I told him I'm not interested in assigning blame as to who causes what, or the specifics of who said or did what… What we have to focus on is this toxic dynamic between us that needs to change, or we are headed for a complete erosion of respect and therefore, an erosion of love. If we don’t want this to happen, we both need to make a conscious effort to avoid the behavior. The bottom line is that I don't want to fight, and neither does he. I don’t want him to be unhappy, I love him. He tells me that he feels like he can’t please me, and my unhappiness makes him unhappy. So we are in this cycle of making each other unhappy and being frustrated by that. Neither one of us want to see the other one feeling angry, frustrated, bitter, estranged – and if we can’t figure out a way to change the way we interact, this may mean that we have to go our separate ways. It makes me so sad that this is a possibility. Real life is such a brutal wake-up call from the dreams and illusions of love that you have as a young person. But by recognizing this now, I believe we are still salvageable. It’s a work in progress for sure, and although at this exact moment I am in a more optimistic frame of mind, I’m realistic that this isn’t the last argument we’ll ever have, and I am so glad that LS forum is here.

[tojaz]

if your not in MC already, I would look into it while your both invested in salvaging the marriage. To this day I believe that my marriage could have been saved if she would have been willing to talk it out in MC rather then throwing it all away.

TOJAZ

[Destination Unknown]

Tojaz, thank you, I think this is true. We've talked about it before but usually in the heat of the argument, and when that passes so does the idea of counseling. So I do want to bring this up in a non-confrontational moment.

[Destination Unknown]

singleithink,

how are you doing ?

[tojaz]

Tojaz, thank you, I think this is true. We've talked about it before but usually in the heat of the argument, and when that passes so does the idea of counseling. So I do want to bring this up in a non-confrontational moment.

 

I would definitely do that, and avoid confrontation until then. When me and the wife got to our first MC session, as soon as we sat down she took her ring off and walked back out the door, never even gave it a chance. Some things just can't be resolved without help, and sometimes it's best not to try without it.

TOJAZ