Stroon Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 cant help feeling many here have been a tad harsh with Kitty. how i read it is she had met someone she feels a very strong connection with, and that has rocked her foundations, and she is concerned about it. when a person is in a relationship that has become unfulfilling (especially when children are involved) alot of the time, these doubts are papered over, for the sake of vows, the pain a break causes, umpteen different reasons. often, its only when a new person enters the equation that we truely accept how unhappy we are, otherwise, why would this person be such a pull to our senses? unfortunately, it is the mixture of these two situations that tends to produce an over inflated ideal of this 'new' person. their seeming compatibility with what we are looking for compounds our discontent with our current partner, our compounded discontent with our current partner therefore makes this new person seem all the more compatible. its a bit of a vicious circle, once entered into completely, becomes difficult to leave without causing pain to one or more parties. I think Kitty realises that the new man is having above mentioned effect, and it making her feel even more unhappy in her marriage. this is not an EA, it is a realisation becoming more apparent. The easy answer is Kitty, get a divorce. then you'l be free to see things and people as they really are, not an escapism from your current problems. In an ideal world we could all do the things we know we should but for whatever reason cannot summon the strength we need to carry them out. I have no answers for Kitty, just that I understand you are not contemplating an affair, merely voicing concerns. I know you know this other man is not really an option. I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do.
HUFI Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 … My situation is this... I have gradually become infatuated with and (I believe) started to fall in love with a man … I am upset because I think I love him, and there is absolutely no way of progressing. It upsets my entire being, and I feel so absolutely horrible about my marriage … I am 95% sure this other (married) man feels the same way … I have never felt this way before about anyone in my life, except once when I was 17… Is it worth me doing something here? … I feel like life is about being happy, and all I have been doing is being responsible for SO long. I wasn't looking for this at all... but I truly feel like this could be the love of my life, as ridiculous as it may sound. … can’t help feeling many here have been a tad harsh with Kitty. How I read it is she had met someone she feels a very strong connection with, and that has rocked her foundations, and she is concerned about it. I think Kitty realizes that the new man is having above mentioned effect, and it is making her feel even more unhappy in her marriage. This is not an EA; it is a realization becoming more apparent. The easy answer is Kitty, get a divorce. Then you’ll be free to see things and people as they really are, not escapism from your current problems. … I have no answers for Kitty, just that I understand you are not contemplating an affair, merely voicing concerns. I know you know this other man is not really an option. I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do. Taylorbear / Kitty71 ; In our defense, perhaps we were jumping on what we thought were key words and phrases in her initial post as indicated by the bold text. I have to admit that as a newly remorseful WS, I jumped to the conclusion that Kitty was contemplating an affair and wrote my replies to match that assumption. I believe that most of the other posters did so too. I still stand by the advice of the majority that if Kitty has determined that she is stuck in a marriage that is not and perhaps cannot become what she wants, then she will have no choice but to divorce her husband and move on. I agree that it’s up to the people in a marriage to make that decision (and it can be a unilateral one too) and to live with the consequences one way or the other. Quote from Kitty71 - I basically figured out through typing my words out here that I will not pursue any further relationship with that other guy - but I probably shouldn't be with my husband anymore either. That last post from Kitty71 tells me that she has made some decisions and that’s a great first step and so, Kitty71, I leave you with these last words. Decide. Choose. Commit. Be Strong. Be Lion Strong. Roar! PS - Kitty - Yes, we must have been posting at the same time as I only saw your reply after my post. If I had seen it, it would have changed the whole flavour of my post. Opps.
Devil Inside Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Hey Kitty...hopeful you are going to come back and read this. Being attracted to another person when you are married is something that happens. It just does...we are wired to feel like this. Then, to compound the situation, you are in a marriage that leaves you feeling empty and trapped..I'm sorry that is a hard situation to be in. One thing that I would caution you against is that you should make sure to handle these situations (your feelings of attraction and your feeling unhappy and trapped) separately. Most likely you should prioritize your feelings in the marriage. Do not put them together because if you were to leave your marriage in hopes of being with this guy...there is a huge chance you will be disappointed. So really think about what you want to do about your marriage first. I am a therapist...and people can do marriage counseling by themselves. There are suggestions that can be made and strategies you can employ in your marriage with the guidance of a therapist. However, if you feel that you really have tried enough to justify you splitting then maybe it is time to split from your husband. Sit down and write out a pros and cons list and be really thorough...look at all the ramifications on each side. Life can be unfair...and you will see that either option will involve great sacrifice. You will realize that a 19 year old girl picked your life partner...and that maybe she didn't choose someone who you would choose now...but she did and you need to decide if you can live with that choice or not. As for this guy. Well he sounds like he has had quite an impact...but really, if you think about it...do you really LOVE him. Maybe you are really in lust, or are attracted, or have a crush. You yourself said that you had a similar feeling when you were 17..when you were a teenager...so this may be like an adolescent love. I also think he represents the life that you could have if you did not have the responsiblites in your life and the limitations that your marriage and resident status present...he represents freedom...who wouldn't be in love with that. Not trying to minimize your emotions...just saying take a second look. Eiher way, you have some tough decisions to make. I feel for you. I chose to have the affair when in your shoes. It was the wrong decision for me. I got to taste that life and love and happiness that I was dying for in my marriage...and it only made things more conflicted and painful. In the end, I stayed married, my xOW left me because I wouldn't decide, and I was left with the wreckage and mess that I made for myself. If I could go back I would do what I am doing know. Therapy to figure out if I should even stay married...and if not get a divorce and then be availible to play. Either way it is going to be hard. Good luck. Do not make any impulsive decisions.
Stroon Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Hi HUFI No need for any defence, i just wanted Kitty to know that i saw her post differently. i totally understand how her situation has been perceived, and was not having a go at anyone's posts. as a forum about love, i expect people to speak passionately, and i enjoy reading all the opinions on this site.
NowhereToHide Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Kitty, I'm sorry I offended you. That wasn't my intention. It seems to me that you already had your mind made up when you came here and you wanted validation that you were right. I couldn't provide that because to me your post sounded selfish. Yes, I do think it's self absorbed to be dreaming about running off with other men when you've got a perfectly good husband right in front of you. Those types of thoughts are not conducive to a happy marriage. Hopeful, can you provide us and the poster your background with infidelity? I saw that you've only been married 4 years, but did your husband cheat on you? Your postings to the OP have been harsh and not helpful. Repeatedly calling her selfish and telling her to work on a marriage (no matter what) just sounds dismissive of what she is asking. The OP is obviously hurting, came here for advice, is at a transition point in her marriage. How about some empathy in your posts, even if you don't agree, or don't post?
hopeful1980 Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 You just don't like what she said because it does not fit your narrow view of how marriage should be. You believe in the celebration of self sacrifice not everyone does. She did her part he failed she has every right to demand more. If her husband fails then his loss and it is time for her to cut her losses. I just call it like I see it. From my pov, in everything in life we have a choice. The only person we can control in this world is ourselves. She can't change her husband. She has to change her own actions and what she is doing now isn't going to help save her marraige if that's what she wants. Therefore, her approach to the situation is selfish imo. She came here for different views and my view is one of them, narrow and all.
hopeful1980 Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Hopeful, can you provide us and the poster your background with infidelity? I saw that you've only been married 4 years, but did your husband cheat on you? Your postings to the OP have been harsh and not helpful. Repeatedly calling her selfish and telling her to work on a marriage (no matter what) just sounds dismissive of what she is asking. The OP is obviously hurting, came here for advice, is at a transition point in her marriage. How about some empathy in your posts, even if you don't agree, or don't post? I apologize to her. I didn't intend on kicking her when she was down. But I think the truth hurts. In my post, I did show empathy - to her husband. She is the one thinking about cheating on him. What I perceived she was asking is was it okay to cheat on him. I don't think it is. She hasn't cheated on her husband, and she didn't say that he cheated on her so I've got about as much experience with infidelity as she does. It doesn't take a genius to know that you shouldn't cheat on your spouse, so what is she really asking here?
pkn06002 Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 I apologize to her. I didn't intend on kicking her when she was down. But I think the truth hurts. In my post, I did show empathy - to her husband. She is the one thinking about cheating on him. What I perceived she was asking is was it okay to cheat on him. I don't think it is. She hasn't cheated on her husband, and she didn't say that he cheated on her so I've got about as much experience with infidelity as she does. It doesn't take a genius to know that you shouldn't cheat on your spouse, so what is she really asking here? Oh but you gave her every motivation to see the faults in her husband by your absolute views. She made a very nice list of the her positives and her husbands faults. Got news for you the way to keep someone from straying is not to attack them and telling them how selfish they are. The way to keep someone from straying is to tell them why they should stay in a positive manor. Or to get them to end the marriage in as positive manor as possible. Unlike you I know about infidelity being a WS and all.
hopeful1980 Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Oh but you gave her every motivation to see the faults in her husband by your absolute views. She made a very nice list of the her positives and her husbands faults. Got news for you the way to keep someone from straying is not to attack them and telling them how selfish they are. The way to keep someone from straying is to tell them why they should stay in a positive manor. Or to get them to end the marriage in as positive manor as possible. Unlike you I know about infidelity being a WS and all. She didn't need my motivation. She already has blinders on. If someone already has their mind made up, no amount of hand holding is going to make them see differently. I wasn't the first one who thought she wanted validation in what she was doing. I wasn't the first person to say that she should work on what she already has at home. I apologized for my harsh delivery.
lostsunsets Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Kitty, its time to put on the big girl panties sit down and talk to your husband. Tell him that you can't go on this way and want a divorce. You have to live with the consequences. Either that or continue to be miserable. Don't stay for the kids. Don't stay for him. You have to want to stay for yourself. Time to fish or cut bait.
Recommended Posts