Impossible Situation... ?!?!

[kitty71]

Hello everyone... I suppose this post will serve as my introduction as well.

 

I am feeling rather desperate at this point, which is how I ended up finding this forum.

 

I met my husband at the age of 19, and although I had had other "lovers" he was my first true relationship. We dated 4 years, then decided to move in together - another 4 years later I decided to push the envelope... and we got engaged. Three months later, I was pregnant. We married, and it has now been a little over 10 years, and we have two beautiful children, aged (nearly) 10 and 8.

 

My situation is this... I have gradually become infatuated with and (I believe) started to fall in love with a man that I see on a purely professional basis (I am the client). It began with me being rather shocked at how it seemed he was very fond of me from day one... in a sort of puppyish way... nothing sleazy at all, just kind of huge grins and blushing, and this happened a few times every time I saw him. I began to chat with him, which led to talking (which is all we have ever done) ...

 

I go in to sign a paper (literally) and I am there for an hour. Nothing at all sleazy happens... we are in a professional office... but we talk, and talk , and talk, and laugh, about nothing to do with what I am there for. It seems to get more extreme every time, and either one or both of us towards the end seems to realize that we are being somewhat "inappropriate" as far as the length and nature of our discussion. weeks go by, then I see him again, same thing.

 

Every time I see him, it takes me days to recover. I am upset because I think I love him, and there is absolutely no way of progressing. It upsets my entire being, and I feel so absolutely horrible about my marriage. My relationship with the H has been deteriorating slowly over the years, and we have nothing in common except the kids.

 

I am 95% sure this other man feels the same way, but we are very trapped in this "professional" relationship where if either of us made a move, he could probably lose his job. He is also married, about 12 years older than me.

 

I have never felt this way before about anyone in my life, except once when I was 17 - does that even count?

 

Is it worth me doing something here?

 

I feel like life is about being happy, and all I have been doing is being responsible for SO long. I wasn't looking for this at all... but I truly feel like this could be the love of my life, as ridiculous as it may sound.

 

any opinions, help, thoughts, appreciated. I am literally in physical pain over this.

 

 

*** I do need to clarify that I am not completely ignorant about emotional affairs... over the years I have had other occasions where this has come up... I have had the unfortunate "luck" that a lot of men seem to have found me attractive... but have never acted on it because of logic, responsibility, or simply the fact that my feelings were not quite strong enough. I feel like I have a good grasp over what I want and that my feelings in this situation are REAL and not just precipitated by a desire for approval etc.****

[LakesideDream]

This situation seems to be the "new" upcomming thing. A few years ago it was "walk away wives". Now it's "walk away wives with justification". Personally, I'm bemused. You have a good husband, and young children. There is no "he doesen't meet my needs" complaint. Yet you are contemplating an affair with a married man you met outside the home.

 

It's OK with me, as long as you take 100% responsibilities for your actions, and the consequences that stem from your decisions. Your husband shouldn't be responsible for you changing and breaking the terms of the contract you two have been operating inside.

 

You have the perfect right to make choices. Nobody can stop you from feeling what you do, or acting on your instincts. If you slip up and are caught, you have "No Fault" divorce to fall back on. There is no downside for you.

 

If caught and the marriage dissolves you will get the house, get primary custody for the children (and your husband, who presumably is innocent in all this will have to pay support) You will even get the support and adulation of society at large. You Are Woman, Hear You Roar !

 

The only downside is the chaos you will create. And who cares about that really? Society is changing. You are prividged to be an agent of that change.

 

Enjoy !

[kitty71]

Of course I care about chaos... otherwise why would I even be feeling sick about all of this?

 

and - also, if I wasn't exactly clear, no, the situation is not cut and dried. I am a dependent in the US on my husband's work visa, and if I left him I would not get everything and get adulation. In fact, I would likely get nothing. We are both Canadians, and moved here 8 years ago, and I still cannot work. I probably would have left on my own accord several years ago. This is in fact part of the reason I continue to stay in a loveless marriage, that, and the kids, of course. I am struggling with a real dilemma here, not just some "flighty" whim.

 

is there a reason I do not deserve to be happy at some point? or am I supposed to spend the rest of my life trapped?

 

I do realize I asked for thoughts and opinions etc. and that's what I got... but I think to judge me as some kind of frivolous, heartless byatch who would run off and "ENJOY" is not fair. I just want to be happy like everyone else on this planet wants to be. My kids are not going to be home forever... so what, I'm supposed to sit around and be ... satisfied with unhappiness?? I don't know why that should be so.

 

and the thing is, this is not about me running off and having a secret SEX affair and possibly getting "caught"... I wouldn't do that. If anything should occur I would be up front and honest with everyone involved.

 

the funny thing is that the chances of this ever even happening are so slim... I'm just putting thoughts down on "paper" so to speak... to work out my own thoughts... as I said, I FEEL SICK about it, but I guess that was not clear...

 

just trying to figure things out.

 

I guess this shows me that if I ever decided to leave my husband I would be the "BAD GUY" or should I say, "GIRL", because if he's not beating me and is a nice guy... well... I should be so lucky! suck it up and be satisfied with boredom and frustration the rest of my life!! is that how everyone else would feel too? wow, I challenge them to live in my position for a while and see how they feel then...!!

[LakesideDream]

Heck no it doesen't mean you shouldn't be "happy" or at least try. That's your absolute right. It is good to hear that you actually have some consequences if you do decide to "follow your heart" and are caught with bad results. I have no problem with the result being you are returned to Canada .. that just raises the stakes.

 

Do what you decide to do. Be true to yourself, by all means. Just take responsibility for your actions.

[HUFI]

... I have gradually become infatuated with and (I believe) started to fall in love with a man that I see on a purely professional basis ... It upsets my entire being, and I feel so absolutely horrible about my marriage. My relationship with the H has been deteriorating slowly over the years, and we have nothing in common except the kids ... I am 95% sure this other man feels the same way, but we are very trapped in this "professional" relationship where if either of us made a move, he could probably lose his job. He is also married, about 12 years older than me ... I feel like life is about being happy, and all I have been doing is being responsible for SO long. I wasn't looking for this at all... but I truly feel like this could be the love of my life, as ridiculous as it may sound.

 

Hello Kitty71;

 

I understand where you are coming from but I want to seriously caution you to take a second, third and even fourth look at what you may be entering into.

 

You are at a cross roads right now. You can do two things. Choose to have an affair or you can choose to do the right thing. If you pick the affair, well, the rest of the letter is for you to read then and God bless your soul.

 

If you decide to do the right thing, you have two choices. You either decide that you want your newfound love and therefore, you file for divorce and only after its done and over, do you make the decision to go to him. Of course, that only works out if he decides to divorce his wife too.

 

If you decide that you can not divorce your husband, then you have to commit yourself to renewing your marriage and creating the spark again. And that’s quite possible!

 

But it’s the affair path, that I want to focus on now. Not unlike you, I recently had found what I thought was the “love of my life, my destiny, my one and only” and entered into an EA affair over a period of 6 months. But the simple truth is that nothing has come of the "star-crossed lover’s feelings and declarations of love" that we exchanged over the months.

 

Why?

 

Because after my wife found out, she gave me a simple ultimatum, choose now or walk and you will find that your husband will do the same. You feel he won’t find out? Well, trust me, they always do, always! It’s a karma thing from God you know.

 

And then what? Well, lets just say that the price of an affair is just too damn much. I’m a big husky man and I can tell you that if you ever thought that you have cried tears before, well trust me, you don’t know squat yet.

 

I have cut and pasted some of my stuff here in an effort to express how much pain and anguish that an affair will generate across the whole relationship. Depending on how the A resolves itself, it will hurt not just you and him but your respective husband and his wife too along with the secondary impacts to the children, the in-laws and your families. I want you to sit and think and imagine what this will this do to your husband and your children.

 

Just in case you’re not imagining very well, let me share with you my wife’s fave quote when she tells me of the pain that she is feeling too.

 

Quote from Gamine - When my husband cheated and I read all of the emails back and forth between them something happened inside of me. A tie that binds the two of us 'uniquely' to each other was broken. The continuity I felt between us was severed. We are still together and while I can love him or like him ... and enjoy being with him... in the here and now... the continuity, the intimacy, the feeling that it is genuine, the feeling that our years together were building... one upon the other... was shattered. End Quote

 

I don’t know how to impress on you the sheer problems that you will create with an affair and so I will share with you some cut and pastes from the emails that my wife and I are sharing now.

 

August 1 - I have taken off my wedding rings as a first step to letting you go!

 

August 14 - Your affair is always here in my mind. It’s my last thought before I fall asleep at night and the first when I wake in the morning. It’s always there, a nightmare I can’t seem to wake up from

 

Sept 08 - I believed that your love for me was as strong and deep as mine was for you, I believed that we reached a new level of intimacy. I was amazed that I would feel butterflies the same as if this was a new love, a new romance. I wanted to be physically close to you, touched by you and in your arms because when there I would have this awesome feeling of contentment; I felt loved and safe. Now when I’m in your arms I don’t feel safe anymore. How could I? After all, within a matter of days reconnecting with her and while you realized that what you were doing was a betrayal of your vows to me, you went ahead with the affair. Now, when I look at you, I question your love for me. I see the words that you have written to her and question your motives for wanting to work on our marriage. I wonder how it is that you can now say that you love me? I wonder how it is that I could have been so wrong about your love for me and wonder why you couldn’t love me as much as I loved you? Why couldn’t you forget about her? Will I ever feel safe in your arms again? Will I ever be able to trust you again? What is a lie and what is the truth? What are you keeping from me? How do I know anything anymore?

 

Again, this is from my wife’s email from a week ago and even as I post it here, my tears are running down my face. It hurts to read it but I want to share it with you because I don’t want you to end up in my place in the future.

 

Sept 21 - Honey; I was and still am totally devastated and the pain, the pain was like something I had never felt. It was emotional but it was also physical and the need to cut or hurt myself was almost too strong to resist. One of the hardest parts has been to deal with the fact that I was so close to ending it all. How could I have even come to that point? How much do you have to hate yourself to want to end it all?

 

I loved you so much that my world revolved around you, loving you, being with you, supporting you and making you happy... so much so that life without you just didn’t seem possible. I had to gather all my strength and it was while I was writing about Juilette (new granddaughter) that I realized that ending it all wasn’t the answer ... Then, that first time I read what you wrote about wishing me dead, I thought why the **** not? It would fix everyone’s problem. I wouldn’t feel any more hurt and you wouldn’t have me standing in your way of your happiness with the OP ...

 

Luckily, I remembered I wasn’t the only person I should consider in making this decision. I guess the boys would get over it but Jess, that would totally destroy her and I couldn’t do that to her. She’s so young and has a long life ahead of her. It should be full of happiness and not **** like this to deal with. So, I have to believe I can move forward, whether that is with or without you and that no matter what, I will be happy.

 

And again, this week, I get this email. Oh, FYI, we're on opposite sides of the planet right now due to career choices. And that adds a whole new dimension onto the Reconcilation efforts.

 

Sept 28th - I know you're working very hard at redeeming yourself. Right now, I'm hurting and before I can go ahead and give you my heart again, I'm going to make damn sure that you will never or can never hurt me again. But in your affair with her, you compared your love for her to your love for me and without going back into the many emails you wrote to her to get the perfect quotes; I'll just paraphrase here in one sentence: I love my wife but I find myself loving you more ...

 

That was you comparing, not me. Not just in something you wrote to yourself but to her! Yes, I know you were in the fog. So many of the words you wrote to her hurt me because at the time you wrote them, you wholeheartedly believed them and so that means that there is some truth to them.

 

 

Well, I guess if you’re prepared to read letters like these from your husband, then you can move on with your affair. If your new friend is prepared to read letters like this from his wife, then I guess you can move on and have an affair.

 

I merely question how can this "new love” compete with the pain that your husband & his wife will feel when they discover the EA? How do you balance the “giddy feelings” against the fact that your spouse might end up considering suicide to ease the pain that they feel. How can you? If you really want to do the right thing for you and for the true love of your life (your husband) then walk away.

 

It’s not easy to do this. Trust me I know. But there is an established path for you to follow if you decide to do this. Decide. Choose. Commit.

 

Boundary One – Institute NC (No Contact) now! No chats, no txting, no calls, no nothing.

 

Boundary two – Talk and Talk with your husband to rebuild your marriage and go to a Retrouvaille weekend retreat.

 

Boundary three – Persevere with the Process – it will cost your tears but have courage.

 

Boundary four – Accept the Blame – the EA affair was/is your choice. How to handle the fallout from your affair is your husband’s decision.

 

Boundary five – No Destructive Behaviours – no drinking, no drugs, and no anger rants

 

Boundary six - Stand Firm in your commitment

 

I know that this is not “feel good” posting and I am not making judgement calls on your behaviour. All I know is that the vast majority of all “affairs” do not work out like a fairy tale.

 

I guess if you can look your husband in the eyes tonight and calmly tell him that you are going to rip his happy little life apart into a zillion pieces, then you can do this with a clear conscience, but I suspect and hope that you can't and won't do that.

 

Wisdom from Dobler33 - People have affairs for myriad and varying reasons. Some are far sleazier than others, but the consequences are always the same, hurt, confusion, emotional trauma, the blowing apart of the foundations of your life.

 

A pearl from Gamine - Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don’t be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. Decide. Choose. Commit. Period.

 

This must be your new world. One in which you have the courage and commitment to your SO. No matter how much pain you will feel in this journey, be glad that’s it’s only a fraction of the pain that he felt over your affair.

 

Words from Ladydesigner - Save yourself from the pain of an EA or PA. It is absolutely the most painful experience I have ever had to endure in my life.

 

The decision is yours to make. I only hope that we are not seeing you on LS at a future date talking about the fallout of your affair. Remember there's nothing romantic or special about cheating.

 

HUFI

[Anahata]

Where along the way did an 18-year relationship with "2 beautiful children" become a loveless trap of gloom? If you weren't disatisfied at home about something, or blaming your own feelings of depression on the homefront (it happens) you wouldn't have noticed or cared that this guy is giving you attention.

 

Depending on what kind of business this is we're talking about it could be very improper to have something going with this guy ASIDE from the fact that you're still already married to someone else.

 

My .02 based on what you've disclosed so far is to figure out how to revitalize what you used to have at home with your husband. Day-today life, age, responsibilities do drain a lot of fun and spontaneity out of a relationship. It's like losing weight - it requires effort on your part.

 

If you can't or won't let your husband know you're unhappy or try to work things out at home before persuing this other guy then at least leave your husband first. Don't sneak around behind his back. Yes, we do all deserve to be happy - and that includes your husband.

[freestyle]

The other posters, HUFI in particular, have already covered most of the ground that needed to be addressed here.(quite eloquently,I might add)

 

There is another angle which I'd like to point out.

 

Kitty, in your OP, you said you were infatuated and started to fall in love with this man.

 

IMO, love is not about romantic wishful thinking and "what-if's".

I personally don't believe that you can know if love exists until you've really gotten to know someone.

 

Love- is thick and thin

 

Love- stands the test of time

 

Love- holds your hair when you throw up, and doesn't care how you look when you're sick.............

etc. etc. etc.

 

and most importantly:

 

Love- well that would be your H choosing to stay with you and work it out if you do end up betraying his trust...........

 

My guess is that you already know these things, but it seems like you're not thinking clearly right now.

 

I'm hoping that seeing it in print will nudge your memory.Like a gentle tap on the shoulder, "hey, wake up........"

[schewter]

I know in this age of variety it is easy to take the "I deserve to be happy" approach to life but don't we take the vows for reasons just like this? When we say "I do" whether before your God or some state authority aren't we really saying "I know there will likely be others down the road whom I may be drawn to but here today I am telling you that you are the one I choose to spend my life with". On that note...why don't you tell your husband how you're feeling...he should be your best friend anyway.

 

Good luck fellow Canuck

[freestyle]

Oops, I forgot to add this before. This is a quote from a book that I'd highly recommend, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

 

 

The grass only looks greener on the other side because you don't have to mow it..............

food for thought........................

[seibert253]

Pulled in two different directions. Logic vs. emotion.

 

Here's what's goin on, IMO. Seen it many times before:

 

Your marriage is on cruise control. You're bored with life and your marriage.

 

Sometime exciting and new happens, usually involves meeting someone new of the opposite sex. Now a bit of excitment. The cloudiness sets in. Well it's exciting, new, havn't felt this excitment in a long time. (sound familar?)

Now your emotions are clouding your logical thinking. You know what's right and what's wrong, yet "it must be love" so you justify.

 

Justification is what your doing, why you are here.

 

Here comes the 2X4, get ready:

You know what you are doing is wrong, yet you are coming here hoping we'll give you validation for what you're engaged in. Guess what? From what I've read so far, that validation hasn't transpired, and most likely will not.

 

Your delimna is not really that difficult. There are three possible solutions from which to chose:

1. Do nothing and contiue your present course. Your not happy, and your marriage will continue on cruise control until it eventually crashes

2. Leave your husband and pursue the OM. In this senerio your marriage and family are destroyed, your husband and children are crushed, and I guarentee you, the happiness you seek, you will never find.

3. Tell you husband everything you've told us, and work to regain that spark and excitment in your marriage. No matter what you think, this can be done.

 

Promise us this, do nothing, make no decisions until you try something.

Have no contact at all with the OM for 60 days. During that 60days, tell your husband your problems and concerns, and work on making your marriage the best it can be. You may also wish to consider counseling for you and your husband. Don't just go through the motions buying time. Really work on fixing things.

If at the end of the 60 days, you still feel the same, well then let your husband go. He deserves a wife who will give him 100% of her love.

[scatterd]

It seems like you miss the new lust feeling you had in the beginning of your marriage and your in a rut.It is flattering to have someone else look

at you the way tour husband use to.Someday it will be the same with that guy also you will have a whole new set of problems maybe worse then the one you have been with for so many years.He must be a pretty good guy

to stay together that long.How r you and that other man going to trust each other when times are bad.We all look and see someone who makes

us feel good but if you act on it you will never get that trustinng realationship with your husband back.think how it would of made you feel

had your husband done it.I hope you do the right thing and if you want someone else get out of your marriage first.really think about this.You

have so much good advice here.good luck

[2.50 a gallon]

You are being played.

 

As I said in another thread, one of my ploys was to be friendly, just slightly flirtatous, make em laugh, smile, be charming, be patient, be friendly, never press for a date, just take an interest in their life in a friendly way and listen, and they would tell me how to seduce them, no hurry, time was on my side, a year or two or three, eventually, they would have a tiff with their BF, be unhappy in their relationship, then I would make myself available in a smiling friendly way, they were down they were sad and I would make them laugh, and most often they thought they were seducing me

 

Simple rule, divorce then play. Let him file for divorce.

 

Is he going to take a chance on losing his job and his marriage, I think not

[HUFI]

- Is he going to take a chance on losing his job and his marriage, I think not

 

Hello Kitty71 - I think this will be my last post on this thread and so, I want to close off with a gentle 2x4 because I haven't seen much in response from you concerning all the great advice that your getting here.

 

I believe that stats say that 85% of all MM do not divorce their wives when push comes to shove.

 

Oh, BTW, I fit into that MM/WS category too. When push came to shove, I threw the OW under the bus as fast as I can because my wife came first. Not very gallant of me I admit but then again, nothing is fair in love and war and having extramarital affairs.

 

I'm not sure that those stats apply to cheating MW but you can let me know that once you get to that place in time, because it does not seem that you are picking the path of NC and reconciliation with your husband.

 

You both need to make some hard decisions before the EA becomes a PA and everyone in these "marriages" gets their hearts handed to them on a silver platter.

 

He has to Decide. Choose. Commit.

 

You have to Decide. Choose. Commit.

 

Or else, you can be posting here in a few more months about how heartbroken you are, how bad your ex-husband is being in the divorce proceedings and how your kids now need expensive counseling to deal with the ugly fights they saw between mom and dad.

 

Your choice. Lots of luck with it!

[kitty71]

I really do appreciate all the postings, HUFI in particular for putting a lot of time and effort into the reply. I wanted to say, too, that I have talked to my husband about our marital problems. Many, many times, in fact. I have seriously told him that I think there is a chance that it won't work out, that I'm not very happy and neither is he... and, this may be a shock to some who seem to persist in thinking that I'm selfish... I do want him to be happy too - and I think he deserves to be with someone who appreciates him. HE WILL HAVE NONE OF THIS. HE IGNORES EVERYTHING I SAY. HE CONTINUES TO LIVE IN DENIAL AND NOTHING I SAY GETS THROUGH.

 

So what do I do with that? suggestions about having reasonable conversations - well, that is definitely the right thing to do, and I agree... EXCEPT I HAVE DONE IT AND IT DOES NOT WORK.

 

 

 

There was a comment that struck me as well, from seibert 253 "...You know what you are doing is wrong, yet you are coming here hoping we'll give you validation for what you're engaged in. Guess what? From what I've read so far, that validation hasn't transpired, and most likely will not."

 

Actually, I haven't even done anything yet... so I don't feel I'm doing anything wrong. There has been no texting,phone calls or anything secret at all. it's simply been conversation between me and someone I enjoy talking to - and it has never degraded into any kind of sexual talk. At this point, all I'm "engaged in" is my own troubled thoughts about my feelings, both about this guy and my marriage, which is obviously in trouble regardless.

 

I really didn't come here at all looking for validation - I wanted honest opinions and thoughts from others who had possibly been in the same situation!! and for the most part that is what I got, I think.

 

IF it were not for my status in the US, I would have left a while back - without any lure from another relationship. I suppose I feel as if I'm living right now with a partner I'm not really "together" with any more. Unfair? perhaps - but between my inability to work here, and H's inability to live in reality and even TRY to have a "real" experience with me - I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

So what it comes down to is that even taking the other guy out of the sitation completely... things really suck in my marriage. of course I can see that's why it becomes exciting when you think you like someone else.

 

you're all probably very right and it isn't worth persuing this other option at all. I can say right now that in all likelihood I won't.

 

So then I'm just left with... being very sad, lonely, and trapped with someone who is more like a brother or friend to me.

 

please don't tell me I can really force feelings back into my heart that just aren't there any more?? I have no idea what to do anymore.

 

Far from looking for validation, I think I want someone to tell me there is a way to put a bandaid on my very ailing marriage and make it all better.

 

As I write this, I'm crying - this has been cathartic because it does make me see the problem is not originally what I thought it was.

 

 

I mean, how devastated do you think I feel knowing that it really truly feels over with my husband??

 

I have no doubt someone is going to feel the need to criticize me for "all my wrongdoings" but that is not helpful - I know I'm not perfect.

 

but where the hell do I go from here?? no one can really answer that but me, I suppose.

[hopeful1980]

I don't want to sound harsh, but I totally disagree with what you are doing and your perspective. From what I've read, you are willing to give up on a decade long marriage which produced two beautiful children simply because you aren't happy? And you feel like this fantasy you have about this man you have been working with will make you happy?

 

I'm sorry, but I'm tired of this. Too many people on this board are contemplating divorce or adultery because they don't feel happy. No one said marriage was going to be happy. Nowhere does it say that it will bring happiness or that you will be happy all the time when you get married. Happiness comes from within. It's a choice you make to have a positive attitude about your life and marriage regardless of the circumstances. I don't think you are a bad person, but the idea of giving up a marriage and breaking up a family in the pursuit of happiness is selfish.

 

Instead of looking outside to find your happiness, be grateful for what you have. If you can't do that now, I guarantee you that when you divorce your current husband and pursue the other man there will come a time when he fails to make you happy as well and you will feel the same way you feel at this moment in time. Stop looking for happiness elsewhere and try and make your marriage a happy one.

[kitty71]

HUFI it looks like you posted as I was typing my reply. I wasn't trying to ignore anyone, just hadn't had a chance to read the replies yet.

like I said, I do appreciate everyone's comments...

 

Like I said, I'm feeling absolutely completely miserable - there have been a few "restarts" in my marriage already (not due to anyone's infidelity, just personality/responsibility issues).

 

People do change over time... and when you grow apart that gap can get pretty wide.

 

EXAMPLE: I was very overweight for many years. A couple of years ago I decided to change... I have lost 60 lbs and now I'm quite fit. H continues to ignore his health despite my best efforts to include him/help him. He has actually GAINED 60lbs.

 

I love working and I love education. I have gone back to school once already to get a second degree, but still can't work in the US. I later found out that our green cards were delayed bc H did not take the time to file the paperwork - I probaby could have been working by now. I'm continuing to try to improve myself by going back to school for the THIRD time, now - so I can get my own job.

 

anyway, this is just to give an idea of some of the struggles we have had.

[kitty71]

I don't want to sound harsh, but I totally disagree with what you are doing and your perspective. From what I've read, you are willing to give up on a decade long marriage which produced two beautiful children simply because you aren't happy? And you feel like this fantasy you have about this man you have been working with will make you happy?

 

I'm sorry, but I'm tired of this. Too many people on this board are contemplating divorce or adultery because they don't feel happy. No one said marriage was going to be happy. Nowhere does it say that it will bring happiness or that you will be happy all the time when you get married. Happiness comes from within. It's a choice you make to have a positive attitude about your life and marriage regardless of the circumstances. I don't think you are a bad person, but the idea of giving up a marriage and breaking up a family in the pursuit of happiness is selfish.

 

Instead of looking outside to find your happiness, be grateful for what you have. If you can't do that now, I guarantee you that when you divorce your current husband and pursue the other man there will come a time when he fails to make you happy as well and you will feel the same way you feel at this moment in time. Stop looking for happiness elsewhere and try and make your marriage a happy one.

 

OBVIOUSLY YOU DID NOT READ MY SECOND POSTING. NOWHERE HAVE I SAID I WAS LEAVING MY HUSBAND FOR ANOTHER MAN.

 

I have tried making my marriage happy many times, again, if you actually read what I wrote you would see that.

 

why is it that the other partner can be incredibly selfish for years, and now I'm finally tired of it and want to change my life you are making ME the selfish one? man. harsh.

 

I just made a third post about some examples of why I am unhappy despite my herculean efforts to the contrary... but you probalby won't bother reading it so never mind.

[boldjack]

Kitty, I think that the answer for you would be divorce, and to move home. If you are both Canadians, get your divorce in your home province. Be among your own people, and heal your hurt.

[hopeful1980]

OBVIOUSLY YOU DID NOT READ MY SECOND POSTING. NOWHERE HAVE I SAID I WAS LEAVING MY HUSBAND FOR ANOTHER MAN.

 

I have tried making my marriage happy many times, again, if you actually read what I wrote you would see that.

 

why is it that the other partner can be incredibly selfish for years, and now I'm finally tired of it and want to change my life you are making ME the selfish one? man. harsh.

 

I just made a third post about some examples of why I am unhappy despite my herculean efforts to the contrary... but you probalby won't bother reading it so never mind.

 

Hold the phone. There is no need to get defensive. I didn't say you were leaving your husband for another man, I said you fantasize about it.

 

I get that your partner has been selfish for years, but that doesn't absolve your responsibilty to him as a wife. You are selfish because instead of doing more to change the situation you are already in, you are considering breaking up your family in the pursuit of happiness.

 

You herculean efforts to be happy all involved changing your husband. You can't make your husband lose weight and if you wanted the paperwork filled out, you should have filed the paperwork yourself or made sure that it got done. You can not change your husband. All you can do is change YOUR attitude about your marriage and work to have a more positive and healthy relationship with him. You need to focus your efforts on changing yourself instead of him and see if that doesn't make you happier. Make the choice to be happy regardless of your current situation and your situation will improve.

[kitty71]

WHAT??? now I am selfish for having my OWN THOUGHTS AND FANTASIES?? holy crap, LOL - it actually makes me laugh to hear that!! GOD FORBID anyone actually have fantasies about being HAPPY!! HOW SELFISH!!! lol lol lol much more moral to be horribly miserable and stay married.

 

As for me "changing myself" I have changed myself A LOT - I have educated myself, sought therapy, become physically fit... ???

 

I gave up my career to move to the US with him for a job. I have yet been able to work because of the ridiculous immigration rules. Having a "positive attitude" will not procure me a work visa - if only it could. I have absolutely no control or access to any of the paperwork for the green card as I do not even have a SSN. There is no way I can file paperwork that I have no access to. I (still) ask my husband every single day about this. he either ignores me or gets mad.

 

I have taken him to counseling and he won't participate.

 

i have already said I have tried all kinds of reasonable discussion with him and he will not acknowledge me or participate.

 

Sounds like to me it is ALL on my shoulders and he is just to sit there while I run circles around him trying to make us both happy.

 

why is it I'm expected to change and he isn't? when is it his turn to step up to the plate and try to help the relationship?

 

I'm done here.

 

By you pointing out what a selfish person I am and how little I have done to be positive - makes me realize even more how much I HAVE actually done over the years to try and make things work - so thanks for that.

 

I got an honors degree, and a second degree in the sciences and was class valedictorian - even with two toddlers at home and a two-hour commute!!

 

I lost weight in a healthy and reasonable manner, and now I look about ten years younger than my age !!

 

I have gotten over many psychological issues from my childhood due to going to therapy and my husband not attending - allowing ME to get individual therapy and heal - I don't need to drink or eat any more to be happy like he does

 

I have two well-behaved, intelligent children who hug me and tell me they love me every day.

 

I basically figured out through typing my words out here that I will not persue any further relationship with that other guy - but I probably shouldn't be with my husband anymore either.

 

AND - I am smart enough to know when situations are more damaging to me than helpful and when I should leave... which is what I think is happening here on this forum.

 

thank you to those of you who did have some empathy and who were willing to share not only your criticisms but actually gave real suggestions and helpful, specific ideas on what to do .

 

I wish you all the best, even those of you who apparently think I'm full of it:D

[hopeful1980]

Kitty, I'm sorry I offended you. That wasn't my intention.

 

It seems to me that you already had your mind made up when you came here and you wanted validation that you were right. I couldn't provide that because to me your post sounded selfish. Yes, I do think it's self absorbed to be dreaming about running off with other men when you've got a perfectly good husband right in front of you. Those types of thoughts are not conducive to a happy marriage.

[pkn06002]

Kitty, I'm sorry I offended you. That wasn't my intention.

 

It seems to me that you already had your mind made up when you came here and you wanted validation that you were right. I couldn't provide that because to me your post sounded selfish. Yes, I do think it's self absorbed to be dreaming about running off with other men when you've got a perfectly good husband right in front of you. Those types of thoughts are not conducive to a happy marriage.

 

You just don't like what she said because it does not fit your narrow view of how marriage should be. You believe in the celebration of self sacrifice not everyone does.

 

She did her part he failed she has every right to demand more. If her husband fails then his loss and it is time for her to cut her losses.

[jwi71]

What was wrong with Boldjack's suggestion of go home and file for divorce?

If you are that unhappy then take ACTION to BE happy.

 

And I can promise you having an affair will not make your home life happy. It will be FAR worse.

[fooled once]

is there a reason I do not deserve to be happy at some point? or am I supposed to spend the rest of my life trapped?

 

Of course you deserve to be happy. Why would you need to spend the rest of your life trapped?

 

GET A DIVORCE.

 

Are are you just using your H for your ability to stay in the US? I am confused on the whole VISA thing.

 

You said also that you cannot work; yet you met this man and called him a client.

 

Let me ask you this - let's pretend your D is married. Her H is doing what you are doing. How would you feel if you found out? Would you be angry? If so, why? I mean, maybe they are in a loveless marriage? Wouldn't your first thought be "why didn't you just divorce her"?

 

I urge you to NOT do this. If your marriage is so bad, get counseling, get a divorce or at least be honest with your H and tell him that you are going to start getting your needs met outside the marriage.

 

I personally think this is wrong and you do have the power to stop it.

 

And I agree with the other poster - you aren't in love with this man. You do not KNOW this man. You are flattered by the attention and it feeds your ego (and I am not saying that that is a bad thing) but to engage in an affair, IMHO, is not the answer.

[fooled once]

Hopeful, I happen to agree with alot of what you wrote and it seems like Kitty did want agreement in her idea of getting involved with a MM.

 

Kitty - if you want to get involved with him, go for it. But please let your husband know. You say he isn't interested in the marriage anymore, so at least let him know you want to be able to pursue this guy. Don't sneak around.

 

And Congrats on the weight loss! And with all your educational accomplishments.