cecil brown Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I posted here on LS back in 2006/2007 about a relationship that completely ripped my heart out, and ultimately failed due to my faults (controlling nature, jealousy, clinginess, verbally abusive). It took me a long time to get over that and I vowed to work on myself and fix my faults so that wouldnt happen again. I've been going to counseling trying to better myself. Well in February of this year I met this beautiful 25 year old woman with a gorgeous little girl and we completely hit it off and fell for each other. She was good to me, kind, loving, everything I had been looking for. And I loved her little girl to death. Well, about two months ago, we ran into a small rough patch, mainly dealing with relationship boundaries (guess at 32 I see things differently than a 25 year old) and my faults starting rearing their ugly heads. I became stand offish, controlling, and downright mean. She became distraught and distant, and finally two weeks ago, she left me. I have tried to talk to her, but she wants her space, wants me to let her be, and says I stress her out and she cant deal with that. She said she is also bitter about the way she has been treated the last several weeks and cant look past the hurt I caused her. She said she has fallen out of love with me and does not want a relationship anymore. I feel like utter dog sh^t, and the pain I'm feeling is immense. I so badly want to reconcile with her, but it's a lost cause. I've ruined another relationship. I am at a loss.....How can I continue to act this way when I know it's wrong? Why do I continue to hurt people I love?
Ronni_W Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 How can I continue to act this way when I know it's wrong? Why do I continue to hurt people I love? The counseling that you have undertaken has not been as effective as you had hoped or would have liked. Could be a combination of the therapist, the therapeutic techniques, resistance to what you were learning, and/or how much effort you put into it outside of the actual sessions. Perhaps it is time to consider finding a new therapist and/or recommitting to your goals to overcome your habitual mental patterns and ways of dealing with fears, upsets and frustrations? Best of luck.
Author cecil brown Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 I think ultimately my low self esteem is the root of my problems. I'm trying to figure out an effective strategy to combat that, but it's been tough.
Ronni_W Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 I think ultimately my low self esteem is the root of my problems. I'm trying to figure out an effective strategy to combat that, but it's been tough. Isn't that exactly what you've been paying your counselor to help you do, though? I'm guessing your therapist has at least already told you that low self-esteem comes from false/inaccurate core beliefs? Cognitive therapy...a GOOD cognitive therapist...could be really helpful, at this point. Joining a Toastmasters group can also help you gain self-confidence and improve your self-image. Hypnosis is another option -- there are places on the web where you can score free scripts that you can record yourself...not too many that have free audio. (Also Google 'free ego boost scripts' cos that's a common hypno-term for self-esteem/confidence.) EFT is another option -- it's self-taught and self-administered. Info and free downloadable manual at emofree.com There are many different techniques/strategies but, yes, it can be tough to find the one or two that will work best for you. Good luck.
Author cecil brown Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 Thanks for the advice Ronni. I consider myself a good guy, who would do anything for his SO, but I realize there is more to it. I believe I also have a problem with co-dependency. I give everything to please these women, then when they leave my world comes crashing down. I tie my happiness to them, which I know is a bad thing. I found a co-dependency therapy group that meets every friday at a local church. I'm attending my first session tomorrow. I truly want to get past my demons and be able to have a healthy, nurturing, relationship. I'm tired of hurting people I care for.
JaggedRoad Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 I recommend reading No More Mr. Nice Guy while you're at it =)
Author cecil brown Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 I have read that book several times....It lays a strong foundation.
JaggedRoad Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Ah, good to hear =) Good luck with your situation. Just give her the space she needs.
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