SillyLady Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 The downside of IM on a smartphone…when you drink too much, when the deep seated misgivings about your A surface and you are emboldened by the sage advice you’d been reading on this forum you have the fortitude to tell MM “Let me go” all right there, at your fingertips. At least I did last week—one week ago today. I said many other things; all those other details are hazy. I remember telling him that I love him, yes, he said he loved me too; he also wanted to call me the next day when I was of clearer mind, I told him, emphatically, no. I’m heartsick. I’m torn. I said hurtful things to push him away and perhaps I succeeded and I’m terrified. I haven’t heard from him—even after I sent him a heartfelt email trying, so disjointedly, to tell him how I felt and why I was so cruel to him…I’ve heard nothing (one email yesterday sending a news article because of an inside joke). This is for the best, I tell myself. I know I’ve hurt him and his family…stolen moments away from them. I need to believe this is for the right reasons—his W and children, my H too. We began our A just over 4 years ago, before I was even married but engaged and just didn’t have the decency to be honest with my, then, fiancé and myself. I used to work for him and knew he was married with children but on the evening of his “farewell” we both acted on our emotions and I took a step down a path that has caused me a great deal of pain along the way. But every moment we had to together was, ironically, divine. It was two and a half years ago when he took a job 1,200 miles away so, in addition to the 13 year age difference, socio-economic gap there was a time zone and a great deal of convoluted travel arrangements to contend with. Just before I went NC, we met when he came to town and I knew, in my heart of hearts, I would never win and I didn’t want to stay with him in that hotel but wanted a “One Last Time” moment to keep with me. I knew that I would never have the life with the MM I wanted, a family. After that, I turned it off...disconnected and he didn't even TRY to fight for me then. So, two and a half years passed and in all that time my feelings never waned—my thoughts of him were constant so when he contacted me eight months ago I was swept away again because I thought it might mean that fate meant for us to be together. Denial, narcissism, rationalization, whatever it took to have a taste of those feelings again, to be in his arms…oh the self-sabotage--I came so far in my recovery during that time. I even moved in an effort to “forget” about him and all the familiarities of the former city/town. So, we’ve seen each other twice in the last two months and had, once again, daily IM throughout our workdays in the last 8 moths…but those feelings of doubt began to rise again. I don’t know what he wants from me, but he sure as hell isn’t leaving his W, and why should he? And while I thought about leaving my H, economics and a mortgage prohibit that--crappy reasons but marriages are held together by less as many of us know. As I now approach a time when my childbearing years draw close to a close and I hear him talk about taking his family on vacations to Europe…the pain is excruciating. Fate, ha! Destiny, what a joke! I’m not laughing…I fear I’ve lost him for good. The love I have for him is WRONG, it is based on LIES and yet I hurt because I know I finally succeeded in pushing him away and perhaps I’m scared for really moving on and living MY life. Officially, 7 days since the fateful IM, 24 hours from the last email received from him...and the clock ticks away. In 2 1/2 years, can I look back and say with certainty that I’m clean, I've recovered, I've moved on with my life? I want to say that...I want to but am afraid to do so without him on the other side of an IM window, email or lying next to me. I will be working on myself, every day, to get over that and more importantly, LIVE MY LIFE.
boldjack Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Curious, never a thought for your husband , that you have lived a lie with, for 4 years. You really must have no shame.
fooled once Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 You sound so miserable. Why don't you divorce your husband -- you can do that even with having a mortgage -- and get the life YOU want; not just the life you are settling for. You are allowed to live a happy life; and you can live one if you just let yourself.. It won't be with the married man; but it can be with someone else.
Athena Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Most likely MM had a crisis in his life, of some sort, and thought of hooking up with you for self-validation reasons... he is by no means as in love with you as you appear to be with him. Your poor husband.
Author SillyLady Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 Boldjack: I appreciate your candor. In this post, I was sharing my grief over the loss of the xMM--merely the tip of the iceberg. I realize what a foolish mistake I made and an even greater mistake in not being forthcoming with my H. He would never do to me what I've done and for that, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt/shame/remorse. I don't deserve him nor am I sure what sort of contrition is in store for me but, I assure you, there have been plenty of thoughts with respect to my H. This A made me a person who I never thought I'd be. I will pay dearly--that much I know.
boldjack Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 SL, I'm in no way judging you, but pointing out that you should be far more concerned with the way you have treated your husband, than the MM. IMO, you should divorce your husband (you never loved him, anyway) so that both you and him can find a new, honest partner. To marry, without love and respect for your partner, then to cheat, because you don't have love and respect for him, should show you that you need to make a change. For the healing of both. Good Luck.
inhindsight Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 OP you've taken a big step but you need to hold onto that step for dear life. If he suddenly sends you an IM next week, will you fall hopelessly back into the entrails of lust/love/infatuation/fantasization? If you don't know the answer, you are in big trouble. It is difficult to let go of a AP because we trick ourselves into thinking they have filled some spot inside us that is empty. Your AP has let you go... for now, but why do you fear that it's over for good. You mention you don't know what your retribution is, but you know it's coming. You know what's right for you... it is painful to detach, but you can do it. Concentrate on healing yourself and look within and go to therapy. You don't need MM, he don't need you. Your relationship is based on nothing more than baseless feelings that won't work in the real world. You also don't seem to need H, and fulfilling a dream of bearing children is not a reason to stay with him. You need to come clean with H and if he gives you a chance to rebuild then move forward, or let him go. Otherwise, he has been robbed his right to make a choice to stay with you. I am sorry for your situation, but you already seem to know the only way to make it right... you just need affirmation and support to move ahead. It's scary... but you can do it.
norajane Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 In 2 1/2 years, can I look back and say with certainty that I’m clean, I've recovered, I've moved on with my life? I want to say that...I want to but am afraid to do so without him on the other side of an IM window, email or lying next to me.You will be able to look back and feel recovered and have moved on with your life only if he's not on the other side of the IM window now. If you allow him back into your life, you will only stay mired in the mess you are in and will not break free of it. You can't work toward your dreams if you are stuck in a dead-end situation. You've taken the first steps toward getting control of your life back in your hands, not his. Step by step, you will get where you need to be. Focusing on what's what with your marriage really ought to take precedence. That's another situation that can mire you in mud forever, or can allow you to blossom - but you have take control and not just drift along seeking something outside yourself to escape or resolve your issues. Change comes from within. It is in your power to change your circumstance. Don't let your circumstances control you.
Author SillyLady Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 BoldJack: I do love my H. As I've read in other threads, what I felt for the xMM was a love that is unsustainable--brought on by boichemical bliss--nothing more. My H and I were having trouble, prior to our M, and I got scared and was vulnerable. Not to go into great detail but he was involved in drugs and it was a point of contention for me which he has been able to scale back. Regardless, I deceived him and I will make ammends. Another person posted that I got married with my fingers crossed behind my back, and perhaps I did, but what he and I have IS a sustainable love, and I will work hard on my M to make sure I am there for him.
Author SillyLady Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 NoraJane, thank you. You are right. I had to close the doors and windows to the xMM. After an email this morning, which he'd basically thrown in the towel, I realized, not only how stupid I'd been, but how it was time to move out of the mire.
boldjack Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Does your husband know? Does the MM's wife know? An affair is not over, until the last shoe drops. It's almost certain that your's will be discovered in time. Either you will be honest with your H, or the MM will tell his W. Does anyone else know? I would recomend tha you be upfront with your husband, and get this all out in the open, where all parties can make decisions based on the truth.
Author SillyLady Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 Does your husband know? Does the MM's wife know? An affair is not over, until the last shoe drops. It's almost certain that your's will be discovered in time. Either you will be honest with your H, or the MM will tell his W. Does anyone else know? I would recomend tha you be upfront with your husband, and get this all out in the open, where all parties can make decisions based on the truth. No he does not know yet but I do plan on telling him. I wanted to go to a few counselling sessions first but I agree with you, he needs to make a decision about our M based on the truth. I truly am frightened and believe that while the truth will set me free, I'm not sure what "free" means because I'd lose a great man. Truly a shame I put myself here. If I had the temerity to seek out LS and this forum B4 engaging in an A I might not be here now...the beauty of hindsight. But yes, the shoe will drop, I can't live in the deceit any longer. As to the xMM, no his W does not know. I'm not the first OW either and she didn't know about them as well--at least that's what the xMM has said. But, truthfully, what he does in his M is out of my hands...always was.
boldjack Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Sl, I hope that everything works out for you. Who knows, maybe your marriage WILL recover. At least you will have the satisfaction of regaining your own personal honor, and integrity, so if your marriage survives, or if you go into any new relationship, you will be able to do so with a clear conscience, and without baggage. I wish you the very best of luck.:)
fooled once Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 No he does not know yet but I do plan on telling him. I wanted to go to a few counselling sessions first but I agree with you, he needs to make a decision about our M based on the truth. I truly am frightened and believe that while the truth will set me free, I'm not sure what "free" means because I'd lose a great man. Truly a shame I put myself here. If I had the temerity to seek out LS and this forum B4 engaging in an A I might not be here now...the beauty of hindsight. But yes, the shoe will drop, I can't live in the deceit any longer. As to the xMM, no his W does not know. I'm not the first OW either and she didn't know about them as well--at least that's what the xMM has said. But, truthfully, what he does in his M is out of my hands...always was. I am glad you are going to tell your H. I also believe you really can't rebuild your M without the honesty of what you went through. And I do believe he has the right to know; so he can make the decision. But - if you really aren't happy and in love with your H, maybe now is the time to either see if you can change that or get out so you can find someone new? I wish you lots of luck and let us know how it goes with telling your H.
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