downunderground Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Yeah, my SO works in the cubicle environment. Male & female employees. She gets along with opposite sex better maybe because she's tom-boyish, had older brothers to play tackle football with, & was a good high school athlete. Supposedly guy, whom I don't know works in other department, occasionally walks by her desk & you all know, at first says hi then the walk by becomes more frequent. It's supposed to be the "he's cool, we discuss each others' problems being we are kind of in the same situations". He has issues with wife, she issues with me, I guess. Well I came to this by finding this guys phone # in her coat pocket. It is April. No big deal. I have female #'s in my phone but nothing to worry about for her sake. In June-early July, I ask to use her phone because mine had died. She handed it to me in text mode. I saw the familiar # from what I found in her pocket. Name was changed to a could be friend by adding a letter Y to his name to throw me off, it seems. "Miss u" from him. "Miss u 2" from her. Now I'm tripping inside but cool on the surface. Other idle chatter in other msgs but one sticks out. He says "I dreamt of u last night". She responds "I hope it was good". Flirting or had something gone on? The miss u's appeared again as I checked her phone every night. Much was erased I'm sure as I will tell why later. Then comes happy hour on friday. I was asked to go but turned it down to play golf. It was females anyway, I thought. Respond to this I will be back with more, sorry.
Roxanna Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 The texts sound inappropriate, huge red flag. You should confront her. As a side note, it is REALLY inappropriate for those two to be complaining about their SOs to each other, don't you think? That should be between the people in the relationship, and MAYBE, POSSIBLY, depending on the situation and context, a friend or two of the same sex.
stace79 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 The texts sound inappropriate, huge red flag. You should confront her. As a side note, it is REALLY inappropriate for those two to be complaining about their SOs to each other, don't you think? That should be between the people in the relationship, and MAYBE, POSSIBLY, depending on the situation and context, a friend or two of the same sex. I agree it is inappropriate for her to discuss her issues with you with a male coworker and vice versa. It's one thing to talk to your brother or uncle or minister, but just some guy you work with? It reeks of an emotional affair if nothing else. If I was the other guy's wife, I'd be pissed he was telling her our problems, too. You should bring it up I think.
imagine Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Are you married? And yes, it is inappropriate to discuss marriage matters with a person of the opposites sex. Inform OM wife immediately.
Author downunderground Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 Continued from top. So she goes to happy hour. Not for long. Leaves home @ 5ish, gets back around 8-9ish. No big deal but very strange acting. Not much said about happy hour til the next day. That evening she passes out roughly at 10. Part of her problem is I go to sleep to early. I start work earlier, 3 hours earlier than she. She said she had a couple drinks, 3 at most, and was tired. This was a Friday evening. I check her phone that night and he had text-ed "where are you?" and she replied where she was. She tells me he was out of town that week so he couldn't have been there and only her department had off that holiday wknd. Just her girls and a few male workers and supervisors. I am now in a mode that I've never felt before but I don't say anything. I monitor her moves. The typical worried about her look now phase and all that comes with it. The cell phone buzzes with texts all the time. I noticed that she would call him sometimes before or after talking to me. She says they never speak on the phone but I've seen it in call history. Just so you all know, I haven't told her anything yet. Now, one evening, I happened to be up later than usual which is normal & phone buzzes. She says " who would be texting me this late(after 11p), oh its my cousin". Well I documented the time and we had sex. I awoke later to check for her cousins' msg and no msg was found at that time. Last msg from her cousin was after 9p. No other msgs from 11pm on. Now I am getting angry. She erasing what I need to see to prove something but I already know it's an EA by the way she responds to texts. I had had enough so I had to figure what to do. Who out there watches "Cheaters"? I don't but she does and boy did it help me. I went covert. Bought a digital recorder and the same day I used it, she spilled her guts to her cousin, whom she trusts the most, everything about him texting her every night b4 she goes to bed, also he must be texting her all kinds of other crap like pics maybe considering he's already told her he dreamt about her. There's no telling what else he's said to her. She wanted to invite him or him and wife to a party she was having while I would be there. In this recording, she mentions that she told him that she doesn't do things like this and she's out of character. "I've been faithful for almost 20 yrs and I dont do sh** like this. We need to keep this on the low & don't take anything serious from it." He says "I'm married so I understand". I let my friend hear this and he said it doesn't sound like she's done something but it could be brewing so I'd better jump to it. So I confronted her about it. I asked who are you missing at work? Response: "He's just someone to talk to about problems, he has issues like I do." I was called insecure, told to leave if you don't trust me and all that guilt sh**. I have other recordings where she tells someone else same story in a different way. By the way, there is a 16 year old child by us in the mix, also. keep that in mind. He knows nothing of this. Stay tuned because I gotta go again. All responses are appreciated.
Roxanna Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 What is your question exactly? Apparently you know they were having an EA, so what do you mean, "what's up with this?" Sounds like you already know.
Javelin Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 She's playing a dangerous game and obviously she's too selfish to stop at this point.. So you're really going to have to take control of the situation before it gets out of hand. So if I were you, I would confront the other man's wife and then your girlfriend. Once you confront her, let her know everything that you've told us and also tell her that his wife knows as well. She has already shown defense, but whatever, it's normal from someone in her situation.
tryagaintoday Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 The exact same thing happened to my ex-fiancee and I. Now, she is with the co-worker and I sincerely hope they will live happily ever after. Just talk to her, down. Find an appropriate time and let her know everything and how you felt. Then I think both of you will need some cool-off period. Take this time to really think about what YOU really want. Not what your son, or her or whatever. It has to be you. Then after the cool off period, once both of you are ready to talk. You can see how it goes from there. I can't help you much but I hope whatever happens you'll be alright.
seibert253 Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 You need to confront her and tell her what you know. Then you need to tell her it's disrespectful to you and your relationship and she's hurt you tremendously. Let her know that because of this, her lying and covering things up, you no longer trust her. Tell her in your mind she is engaging in an emotional affair and you will no longer tolarate it. Tell her she has two options: 1. End it and never again have any contact with this guy outside of work, or 2. She can move out, and if you're married you will be filing for D. End of story. Tell her there is NO JUSTIFICATION for what she's been involved in. End it now, or you're done and she moves out.
Author downunderground Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 So now she knows I know something but she don't know how I found out. Her mom & 2 sisters even knew about this dude. She says she didn't have sex with him. Not even kissed him. It was cool to get the attention she says. He is just flattering her with lunches, candy, flowers, & etc. All while playing on her weakness of discussing our relationship. How do discuss making each others' relationship better by saying 'I dreamt of u last night'? I go to sleep to early and they play text games with each other. She now says I look at her different and that things won't be the same anymore. Now she's getting the picture. I don't wanna leave my son nor tear him from his mom. We are in process of working it out, I don't know how long this crap was going on but I know she came home with 2 sets of flowers. One mine & one supposedly from friends at work pitching in. 12 yellow long stem roses, though? I'm not stupid. Gotta go again. More responses please. I am trying to make it work with us but I don't know if she stays in contact with him although she has told him to stay away. But she says she doesn't know his last name, if he has a car, where he is from. I think-> B. S. I will be back.
tryagaintoday Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 my ex fiancee also said she didnt have sex with him but immediately does so upon leaving me...
Lizzie60 Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 She is having an affair with this guy... EA for sure... Of course she will tell you that she doesn't know his last name, his car, etc.. she will play 'dumb'... If you've been married that long.. methink that she is bored or doesn't love you as you love her.. as a 'lover'... she has 'tasted' the excitement of someone new.. this is extremely addictive for a woman.. Even if you come up with flowers, candies, all that... coming from you is not the same as coming from a 'new' guy.. Not sure what else to say... it doesn't look good to me.. sorry..
Bryanp Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think that she would be putting up with such such crap and disrespect from you? The fact that she said to you that if you don't like it then you should leave says it all. I would contact an attorney to understand your options. Again she would not be accepting such from you.
Author downunderground Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 I really think she is trying to protect this guy but she tells me he doesn't walk past her desk anymore. I'm sure they talk even if it's a little. She says that he told her that he didn't want to mess anything up for her. So he was staying away. Her sister whom works in same bldg says she confronted dude several times to tell him to stay away from her in the beginning. This guy sees me and my family in pics on her desk but she won't tell me who this guy is. I could find out, if I really wanted to but my attitude can stink sometimes and what a time to be smelly then. He not my prob, either. SHE is. For the record, I don't know him nor his wife so there is no one to confront besides her. Truthfully, I don't think there has been a physical affair but that happy hour haunts me. She had texted me from happy hour "I will call when I get back in the car". Does that say I'll be busy for the next hour, call you when I'm done. She says he was out of town that day but he asked where she was, if you've read the thread. I hate this. I'm trying to put it in the rear-view but thing has wheels and a motor, if you get my drift. Can't type anymore. I guess I'm starting to realize that no matter how bad I wanted this not to happen, it is now a reality and a long, hard road ahead. A close friend of mine told me to get ready. TTYL.
seibert253 Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 You need to sit down with her and be honest about how this has affected your relationship. You need to let her know that she's broken your trust, and you don't know if you can trust her anymore. Here's what I would do" 1. Tell her if she loves and respects you, she needs to no longer have any contact with him, less work issues. Let her know if she does, you're done. Teel her she's been involved in an emotional affair, and to you it's a betrayl that you will no longer tolerate. 2. Tell her you do not truster her, but she can regain your trust by being transparent and totally honest with you. This involves giving you access to her cellphone and email accounts. It also involves that she informs you of contact they do have, especially is he contacts or texts her. Let her know that her "forgetting or omitting" is tatamount to lying. You will not tolarate dishonesty, and if she is dishonest about anything, your relationship is over. 3. You need to find out who he is and have a "talk" with him. Let him know it will be in his best interest to cease this activity. Let him know if he doesn't, you will let his bosses know what's going on, and you will also let his SO know, (if he has one). Also let him know it may be detrimental to his health and wellbeing if he doesn't comply. You need to firm with this ultimatum. Do not waffle and these things are not up for negotiation. She complies, or your done. You need to stand tall and let it be know you've had enough, and you will no longer tolerate what she's been involved in. Let her know, her attitude and actions will make or break this relationship, but whether or not your relationship survives is not up to her, but to you.
Bleeve Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 (edited) You need to sit down with her and be honest about how this has affected your relationship. You need to let her know that she's broken your trust, and you don't know if you can trust her anymore. Here's what I would do" 1. Tell her if she loves and respects you, she needs to no longer have any contact with him, less work issues. Let her know if she does, you're done. Teel her she's been involved in an emotional affair, and to you it's a betrayl that you will no longer tolerate. 2. Tell her you do not truster her, but she can regain your trust by being transparent and totally honest with you. This involves giving you access to her cellphone and email accounts. It also involves that she informs you of contact they do have, especially is he contacts or texts her. Let her know that her "forgetting or omitting" is tatamount to lying. You will not tolarate dishonesty, and if she is dishonest about anything, your relationship is over. 3. You need to find out who he is and have a "talk" with him. Let him know it will be in his best interest to cease this activity. Let him know if he doesn't, you will let his bosses know what's going on, and you will also let his SO know, (if he has one). Also let him know it may be detrimental to his health and wellbeing if he doesn't comply. You need to firm with this ultimatum. Do not waffle and these things are not up for negotiation. She complies, or your done. You need to stand tall and let it be know you've had enough, and you will no longer tolerate what she's been involved in. Let her know, her attitude and actions will make or break this relationship, but whether or not your relationship survives is not up to her, but to you. This is exactly right and will need to be done. You said he wasn't your concern, only her. Well, he is disrespecting you and trampling on your relationship. Do not allow that by anyone. BTW I had the exact same thing happen to me. She is with him now and it started the same exact way as your situation. Edited October 4, 2009 by Bleeve
boldjack Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Op, The first thing you need to realize is that everything she is telling you is suspect. She is in an EA and probably has had some form of sex with him. If you kid is 16, he will be old enough to understand what is happening, and probably knows more than you think. You need to take control. Find out who he is, and notify his wife. Also notify both your and her families. Affairs usually die when exposed to the sunlight. You also need to lay down the law to her and give her ONE choice, complete transparency, NC with the OM, all communications approved by you, or divorce. Her choice. Make sure that she knows tha "I forgot", or "I didn't think", are no excuses. ONE mistake, and it is completely over. This is her last and only chance.
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