girlfriend hurt me

[yaplz]

5 Years ago my best friend used to go out with this girl named Amanda, the relationship lasted about 9 months and she lost his virginity to him. They broke up and 2 months later I asked her out and she said yes. Let's say my friend wasn't too happy about it but we still remained friends but Amanda and him stopped talking completely.

 

A year after we've been going out a little situation occurred. She told me she still had 'puppy love' towards him and I understood completely considering she lost her virginity to him and we all went to the same High School, so we got through it and moved on.

 

After High School She went to College while I finished some extra classes to get into a better school, keep in mind that we lived 10min apart and her school was really close. That's when she said she wanted time apart so she could do and try new things. Well, that only lasted a month and she asked me to take her back but after telling me that she kissed another guy she met at school and that nothing happened. Reason she wanted to get back was because she realized how much she wants me and how much she doesn't want to be with anyone else or kiss anyone but me, so after some thinking I gave her a chance.

 

We moved in together and have been living together for 2 years now. Since then she hasn't cheated on me at all but she's the kind of person that likes to keep her emotions, feelings and thoughts to herself so it's kinda hard to talk to her. During these years she has either met some guys at work or school and didn't tell me until I was told by a friend that some guy from work gave her a lift. I felt 'cheated' on and disrespected because she didn't tell me the truth. Recently she has been doing more of these little things, like talking to guys we used to go to school with, or go clubbing and meeting new guys and it hurt me. Although I know she didn't fool around with any of them I still feel bad for some reason and thats why I'm posting here.

 

Recently we've been arguing a lot more over little things and I told her that It would be a good idea if I moved out but we'd still keep in touch/talk/go out, basically start fresh. She said that it was a good idea. Also, she said she loves me with all my heart but doesn't know why so maybe starting fresh would be good for the relationship. I know she cares but has a hard time talking to me about it.

 

TODAY, she told me that 3 weeks ago she got her ex's friend( the one from school) number and met up with him and his friend. I got pissed, aggravated and mad. She said that she just wanted to see him and figure out why she loves me. They talked about our relationship, our problems, music, etc...'catching up' considering they haven't seen each other for 3/4 years. She said they were together for an hour walking around the city talking and that he gave her a life home(is that ok?). She also kept his cell # and gave him his.

 

I dont know what to do or how to feel. I'm hurt and I dont know if I can start over with her like we planned... Its hard to trust her since she never tells me anything unless i push her to for hours. Was it wrong what she did? Should I be mad... I need someone to talk to and hear someones opinion PLEASE.

 

im sorry if this is too long or if I made any spelling/typing errors but i jsut want some1 to talk to and some opinions, and English isnt my native language.

 

THANKS IN ADVANCE.

[Ronni_W]

If I'm interpreting correctly, your bottom line is that you are uncomfortable with her having friends of the opposite sex -- is that it, in a nutshell?

 

And. So far she has NOT cheated on you at all (kissing some guy when you're on a break doesn't count as "cheating", IMO, and, in any case, she was 100% honest with you about that.)

And. In order for her to protect you from your own fears about that, she's developed the habit of not being forthcoming when she does meet men with whom she wants to develop friendships.

And. When she does that, you make the decision to feel "cheated on and disrespected"...instead of concluding that having friends of both sexes is normal and healthy. It would appear that you want to be the ONLY male outlet to which she must express all her thoughts, ideas, opinions and complaints, and with whom she must have all her experiences.

 

What is within YOUR control, is to explore your beliefs around all of it, and to get to the bottom of your own fears that are manifesting as insecurity/jealousy...with a therapist would likely be the most efficient and effective.

It is a fallacy that you are or 'should be' the male to fulfill ALL her mental and emotional needs. You simply do not have EVERYTHING (all the knowledge, wisdom, insights, same interests, etc.) that it would take.

 

You mention that she "likes to keep her emotions, feelings and thoughts to herself", which begs two questions:

1. How effectively do you listen to, respect and respond when she does reveal her own needs, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc?

2. How effectively do you express your own thoughts, feelings, fears, etc.?

 

She isn't responsible to be, do and say only what will keep you feeling safe and secure; and she does have total power and authority to determine her own needs and wants as far as her social network; and she does have the right to ensure that she does what she needs to do to meet her needs and wants.

[yaplz]

I understand what you're saying and I completely agree. I Have never cheated on her, beaten her, hurt her, lied to her nor did anything that would hurt the relatioship. I'm always open to talk and most of the time initiate conversations or tell her I would like us to talk more but she always says "well, I have nothing to say" or something along those lines..

 

The guy she kissed when we were apart happend a couple of days after we broke up but what hurt the most is when she said that shes been hanging around and chit chating with this guy for over 2 months while we were still together, and she never told me.

 

I have no problem her having guy friends who've she's known from school, before me or for a long time but I don't consider getting lifts home from guys normal behaviour when you're in a relatioship.

 

I feel cheated and disrespected because she hides things from me, even if they're little things. When she comes home and I ask her how her day was she replies with a sismple "It was okay" yet when her friend calls she spends hours talking about what happend at work etc.. and that's just one example. She would make plans with her friends and never tell me till the last minute even if I spend a week asking her what she wants/plans on doing this weekend.

 

The first 2 years of our relatioship were great but since then she keeps lying and hurting me more often and she knows it. I always tell her yet she keeps doing it and then telling me 'sorry', week later happens again.

 

I dont know what to do. I know she loves me but she doesnt show it anymore... and thats what hurts. She keeps saying that she'll change for us because she wants to remain together but nothing ever changes.

 

ALSO, why did she have to go get her ex bf's number, call him and meet up with him to chat.. then give him her cell nmber and let him drive her home... that night she told me she was going to see her girlfriend but that was a lie once again.

 

She told me she knows that was wrong and that she wont do it again.. but its hard to believe her. When she says it it doesnt seem like she means it. Was it really wrong what she did? Should I really end this for good? But I love her so much.. I finally moved out andtold her I doubt I want to fix our relatioship and that she should stop calling me, but she's called me about 15times in the last 2 days.

 

I'm sorry again for this rant.. but im flustered and really hurt... thanks for replying, I really appreciate it.

[New Again]

It doesn't seem as though you paid attention to anything that Ronni_W wrote, as you reiterated the very issues in your second post that he (she?) addressed in his (her?) post. To be perfectly honest, that makes me not want to respond in the way I was going to, as many of my points were similar to Ronni_W's.

[yaplz]

How Didn't I pay attention to what Ronnie posted? Ronnie said that I have 'trust' and 'jealousy' issues yet I dont. My girlfriend has many guy friends and i'm totally alright with it. When she goes out with friends most of them are guys and I dont get 'jealous'.

 

What bothers me is when she gets 'too close' to guys she barely knows or just met. She met a guy that was doing construction from work and she'd go for lunch with him and he'd give her a lift home, that lasted 5 months and she never told me. Nothing else happend. The guy she kissed right after we broke up was in her life for over 2 months yet she never told me. She goes and gets her ex boyfriends number recently, calls him and goes to see him when she told me she was going to see her girlfriend. She didn't tell me until recently after I forced her to tell me the truth since I could tell by her face she was hiding somthing.

 

I've done everything for this girl. I took her everywhere she wanted to go, always wanted to talk and be there for her, never hurt her and never forced her to do anything she didn't want to. Yet for a while now our relatioship has been going downhill and she pretends she doesnt care she said she tries to hide her feelings from me)

 

Never have I told her that shes not allowed to go hang out with her guy friends or talk to them. My problem is her meeting new guys and never telling me. It's hard to trust her considering she left me once for another guy basically.

 

 

What I really want to know from you guys is why do you think she went to see her Ex? Is it really wrong? What could it mean? Why did she keep his number? Why did she get into his car with him and let him drive her home where I was waiting for her..

 

She told me she wen to him to 'find out why she loves me so we can start over' and that she doesnt love him/want to be with him but wants me. No man wants to picture his girl with her ex, especially not walking through the city alone talking and being alone in the car with him. That hurts me so much... and I think it would hurt any guy. Btw she's 23 and im 24.

 

 

I'm sorry if I didnt express myself properlly and didnt fully get Ronnies response but basically I want to know if her going to see her Ex a bad thing... break-up worthy. English isnt my native language so that could be it

 

EDIT: I understand that she hides the truth from me so she doesnt hurt me but she wasnt like this before... she started changing annd making it look like she doesnt care at all. Yet when I packed my bags to leave she cried and asked me to stay. I'm confused that is all, you dont have to flame me. I want to know what would be the right thing for me to do...

[Left in a Lurch]

Next time you talk to her tell her you went out with an old girlfriend and exchanged numbers and you drove her home.

If she smiles and says, "that's cool" then you would be wrong about her and her ex.

But we both know that's not how she would react, so what does that tell you?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dude dump the chick, she's kinda untrustworthy, Im gonna tell you from an outside observation, any man who has had these problems and did what she did, his girlfriend wouldnt trust him and how could she? Dude there are too many redlfags. she met someone else to see if she still had feelings for you!?!?

 

WTF? that's an automatic fail! how do you measure someone else and compare them to your boyfriend? that isntr right or fair. and you know what if she's gonna compare you and be half interested in you, I suggest you find someone else who's gonna be a better companion. If her friendships with these men cross the line, who's to say she wont keep doing it?

 

I've been there, she's on the slippery slope constantly and you dont feel good in the relationship. So I advise you to just dump her and find someone else. Doesnt sound like she's enthusiastic to be with you anyways!?

 

"I saw him to see if I missed you!" FAIL!

[yaplz]

It's weird but she would say 'That's cool' or something similar and pretend she doesnt care but in reality she would be mad/hurt inside. That's the kind of person she has become and I dont know why.. I havent done anything to make this way.

 

Should I be worried about the incident? Does she want something more from him even though she said it's a time one thing and she promises she wont talk/see him ever again and wants to be with me. I find it so hard to believe. It hurts so much imagining my love standing next to that prick, let alone find another guy to replace me.

 

Thanks for the post Chrome, but its so hard to dump somebody you've been with for over 4 years, and lived with for 2 of them. It's probably the right solution but I hope she can change..

[Chrome Barracuda]

It's weird but she would say 'That's cool' or something similar and pretend she doesnt care but in reality she would be mad/hurt inside. That's the kind of person she has become and I dont know why.. I havent done anything to make this way.

 

Should I be worried about the incident? Does she want something more from him even though she said it's a time one thing and she promises she wont talk/see him ever again and wants to be with me. I find it so hard to believe. It hurts so much imagining my love standing next to that prick, let alone find another guy to replace me.

 

Thanks for the post Chrome, but its so hard to dump somebody you've been with for over 4 years, and lived with for 2 of them. It's probably the right solution but I hope she can change..

 

Actions speak louder than words. and her her to accept someone's number and keep it while your in a relationship with someone else. is a huge red flag, yeah they could be friends but there are so many red flags like her behavior , her avoiding conflict, possibly keeping secrets? I mean when does it end?

 

Oh and yeah girls lie so that one time thing, dont believe it!

[Ronni_W]

she would say 'That's cool' or something similar and pretend she doesnt care but in reality she would be mad/hurt inside.

Yaplz, that type of thinking and attitude is dangerous for the long-term health of any relationship that you will enter into after you dump your current g/f.

 

How do you know for sure that she would be "pretending" in that scenario? What makes you believe that you know her better than she knows herself? From where do you get the power or authority to decide what she is "really feeling"?

 

I didn't say that you have "trust issues"...but you may just have confirmed those self-suspicions of yours.

You also proved that you don't listen to/accept what she tells you about her own feelings, thoughts, opinions, etc. Instead, you put your own spin on her words -- reinterpret, project onto, filter out, whatever you want to call what you do.

 

I would still encourage you to look at your own behaviours and attitudes to see what may be amiss that needs to be changed on your side.

[yaplz]

How do you know for sure that she would be "pretending" in that scenario? What makes you believe that you know her better than she knows herself? From where do you get the power or authority to decide what she is "really feeling"?

 

Because she has told me that before. She has told me that he puts on a I-dont-care face because she doesnt like to show emotion. I have no authority, you're right, but thats wat I've been told.

 

I still dont understand why youre talking about my problems and my flaws. I'm not perfect, nobody is. I want an opinion on her behaviour and why she might of went to see her Ex. Was the wrong.. how should I interp THAT? she said it meant nothing and wont happen again.. but.. but... I dont know.

[Ronni_W]

I want an opinion on her behaviour and why she might of went to see her Ex. Was the wrong.. how should I interp THAT? she said it meant nothing and wont happen again.

Then you would be a wise man to interpret it EXACTLY that way -- it meant nothing to her. Which I would interpret also means that, FROM HER PERSPECTIVE, she did nothing "wrong".

 

If I recall from your earlier post, she ALSO told you why she got back in touch with her ex; she gave you HER reason from HER perspective. Again, your wise move would be to accept what she told you.

 

But. You're not appearing to be able or willing to accept/trust her words at face value, so that is something that is happening on your side; in your mind, is all I'm saying.

 

Anyway. Good luck with figuring it all out.

[Chrome Barracuda]

That is a load of crap ronni these woman's actions have been detrimental to their relationship!

 

Who tells their boyfriend or girlfriend i went out and saw my ex to see if I missed you!?!? WTF that is a lie. She went out and saw him because she was feeling nostalgic and wanted to catch up on old times, but did she ever call him and say hey listen here with my ex and we're talking listen can you stop by and be here, I want to see you. Nope this girl went out and just basically did what she wanted to do.

 

Not even caring what her current boyfriend might say or feel about it!

 

And on top of that asking for another man's number and keeping it?

 

WTF, if that was him doing what she'd did she be pissed!

 

I'm telling this cat he might have did nothing wrong, why must it be the man's fault for the woman to act like an idiot, has anyone ever considered that the woman does what she wants because she wants to do it! she's callous and inconsiderate and just taking their relationship for granted.

 

To the OP drop the chick, your better off. Too many red flags to ignore and your gut isnt lying to you. it's screaming for a reason!

[Ronni_W]

Yaplz is still asking himself why she contacted her ex and wondering if it was "wrong". I was pointing out that she ALREADY gave HER reason for doing it and she ALREADY said it didn't mean anything to her...even if she did arrive at that conclusion after the fact.

Who tells their boyfriend or girlfriend i went out and saw my ex to see if I missed you!?!?

That's not exactly what she said. But. I didn't say that what she did is (or isn't) logical. If we go by what she said, it made some type of sense to her. That doesn't necessarily mean that it's something that you or I would do, or would make sense to you or me.

 

At the same time. Yaplz, whatever her reasons, she did not dump you after she met-up with her ex. So...just maybe, perhaps, possibly she is telling you HER truth about why she contacted her ex and, more importantly for you, apparently she did get some kind of answer(s) that helped her to make decisions about her current relationship...and she is still in it!

 

Maybe there was some doubt in her mind, or a piece that needed 'closure', or whatever. But she still chose you at the end of it. A different reaction could be relief that she did what she needed to do to confirm TO HERSELF that you are the one she really wants to be with.

[boldjack]

By your reasoning, Ronni, it would have been OK for her to kiss her ex, to see if there were any remaining sparks, then, upon finding that there were none, go back to her BF, and he should accept her , because she has made the decision to be with him. Do you really believe that is the way trusting relationships work? This girl has consistantly lied, an misled the OP. She will not communicate her wants/needs to him, and you blame him? Even after he has tried to get her to open up? If her contacts with these other men are innocent, why would she hide them, or only tell her BF, after the fact?

[Ronni_W]

By your reasoning, Ronni, it would have been OK for her to kiss her ex,

She didn't do that, as far as I read. I try to respond to what ACTUALLY is going on for the people who post here.

Yaplz, she did NOT do that. Please try not to let the image bother you...it did NOT happen.

[boldjack]

Ronni, the OP is in college, I think he can read. But my question remains, why is her gratification, paramount? Why do you assume that the OP has the problem?