Step Parenting (Very Long)

[HisName]

Guys,

 

I need somewhere to get these feelings out! I'm sorry to drop this on you guys, but I need support. I have changed all names and have associated them with the respective people using "HerName" "HerBoyx" or "MyGirlx" where applicable.

 

I am married (2 months) to a woman that I absolutely adore. I love her in every way possible except for ONE. We each have 3 children from previous marriages, one of hers is 19 (boy "HerBoy1") and lives with his father. The other two (14 girl "HerGirl1", 9 boy "HerBoy2") live with us in "our" home. My children are (14 boy "MyBoy1", 11 girl "MyGirl1" and 9 girl "MyGirl2").

 

Here is the problem (short and sweet). Every single thing that my children do is under a microscope, yet hers are treated as if they don't do hardly anything wrong at all. It's all about how my children are hurting her children or causing some type of distress to them. All the while, her own 9yr SON is a problem child himself. He outright "consciously" lies, ignores and causes trouble with other children, yet "he's just being a kid". I TOO have a problem child, my 11yr old girl. She lies, twists what people say, is conniving and talks about people behind their backs. I make no excuses for my child other than the common fact that she is craving some form of attention that she feels she isn’t getting. That fact though does not stop me from disciplining her, up to the point of the occasional physical spanking. I try my best to help give my daughter guidance as she gets no guidance whatsoever from her natural mother or grandmother. I am the only one who even tries to get this child straight. It’s to the point with disciplining ALL of my children that I’m exhausted half the time for having to be an ******* to them to get them to behave and do what’s expected… Yet my wife’s children, well they’re always provided excuses for while mine are under the spotlight. And her children are just as bad as mine, but naturally in different ways. She though doesn’t see that because they’re “her” kids. I see it though because they’re not “my” kids.

 

I’ve tried to broach this topic with her several times, but each and every time, she simply gets defensive and we get nowhere. I’m at my wits end and refuse to exist in another marriage where everyone is miserable. It does no good to her and her children or me and my children if everybody is miserable.

 

This is the ONLY thing that we disagree on. The rest of our relationship is exactly what I have always wanted. Right now, we’re friends, lovers and partners in life in all ways besides this.

 

So I ask, what should I do? Am I being unreasonable? Am I just being a jerk?

 

Below is an email that I sent to her last night. At 8:06pm she stopped speaking to me. At 9:00pm she got up, went to our bedroom, took a bath and went to bed without so much as one word. This morning, after reading the following email to her, she called me to defend herself by telling me that she was mad because I didn’t correct my 9yr old daughter for not going to bed on time, and that it was “just another incident” of how I let my kids get away with things that I don’t let hers get away with. Mind you, she’s heard me on MULTIPLE occasions yell at my children for dragging their feet and not being in bed on time. I didn’t even see my daughter in the kitchen last night, or I would have been on her about not being in bed just as I always am. Yet her 9yr old son “gets ready” for bed at 8pm when they’re supposed to “be in” bed… I could go on forever with examples, but this will be quite long enough as it is… Be honest (as I'm sure you will be) and tell me... I'm more than willing to correct what I can for this issue if it's me... This has been going on since she moved in. But it appears and then disappears IAW her level of frustration with my children. I've addressed this before, and thought we had reached a reasonable resolution or I wouldn't have married her.

 

Below is the email followed by this morning’s IM conversation… Thanks for your help on this, perhaps I just needed to vent to "someone/anyone"... Again, sorry for the length.

 

----Email from last night---

HerName,

 

I sit here at 12:10am with all sorts of things running through my mind. You’re quite obviously pissed at me because of what happened with your son tonight. I don’t know what to say. I see things one way, you see them another. I see that ALL 3 of the young children should be pulling the covers back on their beds and climbing in at 8pm (which is the time that both you and I agreed on for them to be in bed). I asked all of the children to brush their teeth and comb their hair at 7:45pm just as I do every night. All but HerBoy2 did that; sure MyGirl1 was a couple of minutes behind because of her phone call, but she responded and did what she was asked. HerBoy2 on the other hand, chose to ignore me. Why should he be allowed to “get ready” for bed at 8pm when the others are held to “our” standards is beyond me. I feel that you make excuses for, overlook or just plain don’t care about things that your children do, yet call mine out on almost everything they do. I could recite example after example after example for you, but to what end would that serve? You’d just get mad at me further and find some way to dismiss my allegations. As a matter of fact, I’d venture to say that you’re already feeling defensive and mad at me, and/or possibly thinking that your children are so much better than mine.

 

The bottom line is this… Our marriage cannot and will not succeed unless we are one family. Your children cannot be held to a different set of standards than mine. And no, I do not think for one second that my children are better than yours. I know that each and every one of my children have their “issues” and I do my absolute best to fight those ongoing issues every second of every day. I’m constantly on them to every extent I can possibly try to get through to them. Does it stop their issues dead in their tracks? No, but I am trying, just as I always have and just as I always will with them. I try to the extent that I’m physically exhausted from having to be an ******* to them all of the time. Now though, I have another group of people pointing out even more of every little thing they do wrong and demanding satisfaction! So, I have to ride my children even more because you are less forgiving with mine. But, during that process, I have to back up and expect to handle your children differently. Just today I had to tell MyGirl2 “no” again to her getting a cell phone, when YOU gave one to HerBoy2 last year. Tell me, how is that equal? I don’t know what your thoughts are with regards to your children. I don’t know why you feel that my children are so much worse than your children. I promise you this though, I’m not insane… I’ve seen it time and time again how you turn the other cheek when yours do something only to jump on mine at the drop of a hat. Case in point, when HerGirl1 burned the pan, you were hot and heavy trying to find out who did it, but then went totally silent when you found out it was HerGirl1. Nothing was ever said about it again, until I had to ask you about it. I guarantee you that you would have pursued it further had it been one of mine that burned the pan. Maybe I’m wrong, but given the history on the subject, I doubt it. I can only guess this much on the subject. I firmly believe that it’s because you love your children, and truthfully don’t love mine. With love comes compassion, patience and forgiveness. You look at your children and feel compassion for them because they have to deal with my children, or because your previous marriage failed, or because their father is not the man you would like him to be. You look at your children and feel patience towards them for the things they do wrong because they’re only children and they’ve had it tough in these last years. You look at your children and you feel forgiveness because they’re only children, YOUR children and they will make mistakes. You do this because you love them… Well my children are no different. They too have to deal with YOUR children who also have similar behavioral flaws as mine. HerBoy2 likes to push the girls’ buttons and aggravate them just as much as the girls aggravate HerBoy2, yet how often do you call HIM out on it versus how often do you call the girls out on it? You mentioned to me the other day that you had to come down on HerGirl1 for the way she was acting towards HerBoy2. Let me ask you this, IF your own daughter will be a “teenage girl” towards her own brother from time to time, don’t you suppose she would be the same “teenage girl” from time to time towards my girls? Yet, when is the last time you corrected her “teenage girl” attitude when it was directed towards my girls? Surely she’s not been a perfect angel towards them since the day that all of you moved in. I’ve not heard about you correcting HerGirl1 on it once; it’s always been about how my girls make her miserable. Your story is not so unique, my children have been through the same tough times as yours and our stories (yours and mine) are in fact very close to the same. All of these children have common needs. They all need stability, LOVE, and guidance. They’ve all got similar histories of broken homes, your children are no different than mine. My children need to know that their step mother is compassionate with them, patient with them and most of all, forgiving of them, this is something I do not see. Just your voice and demeanor alone tell the story when you speak to my children. You have little to no patience with them. This is not how I treat your children, and I would ask that it’s not how you treat my children. Sure, I admit, I have a patience problem myself, but that problem extends to ALL of the children, yours AND mine.

 

Perhaps I’m out of line with that last paragraph, or this entire email, hell I don’t know. I only know that you and I have had this problem since you moved in. It would surface and then disappear for a while, and then surface again. Yet now, this is the second time in two weeks. I feel like I’m good enough to pay every single bill around here, provide for you, your children and mine (perhaps not the best home around, but at least you haven’t had to worry about a roof over your children’s heads), but my children are only a bother to you. I feel like you and I would get along fine if I never questioned your children and if my children were gone.

 

I love your children… When I get on them, I get on them to “help” make them better people. When I get mad at them, I get mad at them because I expect the same out of them that I expect out of my children, and no less. When I point out their trivial short comings like not taking out the trash, or not finishing the dishes, or not getting ready on time, I do that because those are the same standards that both YOU and I hold the rest of the children to. When MyBoy1 has to “re-do” the dishes, or when he has to pick up a couple of dishes that HerGirl1 “overlooked”, he does them by himself so that he learns from his mistakes (even though it may take him a thousand times). I don’t go out there and pick through all of HerGirl1’s dishes to find dirty ones and then help MyBoy1 do them because it’s not fair to him. And YES, there has been plenty of times where I’ve found several dirty dishes that HerGirl1 has done, that have ended up back in the sink, that MyBoy1 or MyGirl1 has had to do. Just tonight, I had MyGirl1 re-wash the crock pot bowl. Was it truly dirty (IE washed properly by HerGirl1)? Was it even IN the sink? I don’t know, but this is the reason why I hate clean dishes in the sink. The point is, MyGirl1 asked if she should clean it, and I simply said “Yes please”…

 

HerName, I love you with all of my heart. I want you in my life with all of my heart. If our marriage is going to work, we have got to treat ALL of the children with the same level of discipline. If not, we are just wasting our time. You will grow to despise my children and eventually me because as things spiral downward, there will come a point where you and I part ways mentally and emotionally and physically. We will lose our friendship (at least I believe that we’re still friends at this point), and everything will unwind from there, leaving us both to wonder why we invested so much time in each other in the first place. I’ve extended myself emotionally, physically and financially to you and your children in every way possible. I’m financially strapped now, in a way that I’ve promised myself that I never would (just as I’m sure you have with me), in an effort to create a family with you and your children. But creating a family is not possible if there different rules for your children and mine.

 

I strongly urge you to read this email for what it was intended for. I’m trying to save our marriage here, but can’t do it alone. If you’re not going to allow us to be one family with all children being treated equally, please let me know now so that we can cut our losses, make responsible plans to separate, file for divorce, and move on. If we continue down this HerNameh, I promise you, all of our children as well as you and I will become miserable very quickly. Don’t take the easy way out here, if this is not working for you, and you can’t or don’t want “us” anymore, let me know now so that we can get passed this, and all of our children can begin the healing process...again. This will not go away on its own…

 

I may not be the best guy you’ll ever find HerName. My children may not be the best children you’ll ever find with a guy. But I guarantee you this, we are certainly not the worst that you will find. There are plenty worse out there than me and my children, plenty and I can tell you stories of them (from the guy’s side looking for women)…

 

It’s now 2am, I will be on IM when I get to work if you choose to talk to me.

 

I love you,

 

MyName

 

--IM Convo from this morning--

 

MyName: yanno... you say that you got mad because I didn't correct MyGirl2 last night yet got on HerBoy2, but how many times have you sat on the couch when I stood in the girls doorway at 8pm hearing me tell them to "hurry the **** up"? I do it regularly... How many times have we sat on the couch together yelling at them to "hurry the **** up"? I do it regularly... I do it EVERY time I know that they're dragging their ass on getting to bed

MyName: I'm sorry that I missed it last night, but rather than stew over it, and think that I'm being unfair to your children and mine are getting away with murder.. how about remembering back to all of the times that I DID yell at mine for the exact same thing(s)...

HerName: I could drag **** up from way past to and it would make no difference we are talking about last night and I tried to explain to you why I was upset

MyName: it's not about dragging **** up from the past darling

MyName: but if you're going to evaluate my responsiveness towards disciplining my children, you DO at least have to evaluate it on a "more than one day" period...

MyName: I'm sure if you think about it, you have heard me yelling at them plenty of times to get their ass in bed, in a much stronger manner than I do with HerBoy2

MyName: THAT's the point

MyName: It's not like I never get on my kids asses to get into bed on time... sure I missed last night, and for that I'm sorry, but it's not like they're allowed to get away with it

HerName: the point is that you have a different view on how to discipline we had that conversation before

MyName: yes, we do

MyName: but you're not even attempting to see my point here (that I can tell)

MyName: you're all postured and defensive that I'm belittling you or your kids

MyName: that my kids get away with everything and I'm all over yours like white on rice

MyName: when even your very own example; if looked at shows that I'm not that way at all

MyName: and BECAUSE you think I'm all over yours like white on rice

MyName: you defend them for every reason because "MyName is being unfair again"

HerName: no that is not true, it is just that yours and i will have to use their names here to make my point, that there are very different standards and rules for kids

MyName: point out one valid example of that

MyName: I hear you saying it, I've heard you saying it

MyName: but give me ONE valid example

HerName: MyBoy1 has less or no rules and does as he wishes, examples his room it is still not cleaned his clothes have been laying on the floor and under the bed since I asked him to clean it up

HerName: the girls's ass would be beat by now

MyName: yet every time you mention it, I tell him to clean his room...

MyName: he tells me "I did clean my room"

MyName: I tell him "YOU OBIVOUSLY DIDN'T OR WE WOULDN'T BE TELLING YOU TO CLEAN IT AGIN"

HerName: but there is no follow up if I say something it comes back to me that I am on his ass

MyName: and why is there no follow up?

MyName: I can cite the same example

MyName: because when I DO follow up... it's HerBoy2's stuff scattered about

MyName: WHICH by the way, the girls get yelled at more frequently for

MyName: the girls have one item on the floor and their spoken to...

MyName: HerBoy2 has toys scattered about for days, and nothing

HerName: because of their history if i let it go for to long it will be complety trashed

MyName: it can be viewed from both sides as unfair honey

MyName: just like Nostradamus (spelling) prophecies

MyName: they can be warped towards the imagination

HerName: If you want me to be a mother to all of them

MyName: and yes, I agree with their history on the room, which is why I never say anything

MyName: I'm not insisting that you bear the burden of being their mother

HerName: then I need you to trust me

HerName: and I do not get that

MyName: as I need you to trust me too darling

MyName: how can I do that

HerName: I always get that you side with your kids and it undermines my authority

MyName: when all I hear on ANY level is a harsh tone of voice with mine

MyName: and smooth "mommy" voice with yours

MyName: ???

MyName: "Ms. HerName:... can I ride with you to the store?".... "NO"

MyName: Yet there goes HerGirl1 tagging along

HerName: again stuff from way back

MyName: the ONLY time my children are allowed to "tag" along with you is on the way to or from the parking lot

HerName: the girls have been in bed the last two times I took her

MyName: no, not way back darling... current, reoccurring and part of the problem

MyName: I see every little thing just as you see every little thing

MyName: but we don't see our own things

MyName: which is human nature

MyName: but we HAVE to get beyond that if we're going to survive

MyName: THAT is the point of my email

MyName: it wasn't to point out how much of a miserable step mom you are

MyName: or how much of a miserable step dad I am

MyName: you and I both know the problem

MyName: you say that mine get away with murder

MyName: I say that yours get away with murder

MyName: because MY kids are under the microscope by you

MyName: and YOUR kids are under the microscope by me

MyName: respectively, we're both patient with our own

HerName: lets face it and call it was it is

MyName: because we've known and loved them since birth

MyName: ok

HerName: I have np with caity or MyBoy1

MyName: call it what it is

HerName: the problem we all have and I am talking about the kids and me is MyGirl1

MyName: as I have no problem with HerGirl1

MyName: and MyGirl1 isn't going anywhere and neither is HerBoy2

MyName: so what do we do about it?

HerName: I would never ask or imply that she needs to go

MyName: nor would I

HerName: so why get all mad at me

MyName: just because we know the problem doesn't mean there's no problem

MyName: I'm not all mad at you

MyName: I was for a bit last night, but that letter was not written out of anger

MyName: which is why I asked at the end to read it for what it was intended

HerName: the part of being at your mercy was a nice touch

MyName: I never said anything about you being at my mercy

MyName: never implied it

HerName: I have opened myself up to you to, like you said I promised myself never to be that open to anybody ever again

MyName: and I said I'm sure that you have too

MyName: and I meant that

MyName: I'm sure that you have

HerName: I hate not having a F/T job and to be depend I HATE it

MyName: don't try to pick the email apart and read between the lines dear

MyName: I spent a lot of time constructing and selecting the proper words as to not offend you and make the tone of the email about saving our relationship

HerName: I am stuck and I know MyGirl1 hates me

MyName: not trying to sneak attacks at you in between the lines

MyName: but MyGirl1 DOESN'T hate you

HerName: yes hse does

MyName: she does you no differently than she does me or anybody else that crosses her HerName

HerName: I am not an idiot I can feel it with ever fiber of my being

MyName: stop with the comments

MyName: I never said that you were an idiot

MyName: if that's what you feel, then you don't know MyGirl1 well at all

MyName: I've known her since birth

MyName: she does not hate you

MyName: she wants to do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it

MyName: no different than HerBoy2

MyName: the difference IS

HerName: and because I put a stop to it she hates me

MyName: that MyGirl1 thinks that talking **** or running her mouth is the way to get it

MyName: HerName:

MyName: listen to me

MyName: she has been doing this **** since LONG before you came along

MyName: I have been fighting this ****...

MyName: since long before you came along

MyName: YOU (the way she feels towards you) are not the reason for her actions, SHE is

MyName: I KNOW my child, just as you know yours

HerName: and how do we get past that

MyName: well

MyName: getting past all of this is an ongoing effort

HerName: I can't just overlook it it isn't fair to the rest

MyName: just as it is with every new marriage with pre-existing children

HerName: they are coming to me complaining about her

HerName: I bring it up to you

HerName: and it gets dismissed

MyName: no, it doesn't get dismissed

MyName: give me one example of me blatantly dismissing it...

HerName: by me not telling you or telling the kids well it is MyGirl1 let it go

MyName: yanno

MyName: when HerBoy2 does something wrong

MyName: you sit down very patiently with him

MyName: and tell him "now son... you shouldn't do this because...."

MyName: do you not?

HerName: I try to

MyName: and btw, you not telling me or telling the kids to let it go, is not an example of you bringing it up to me and me dismissing it

HerName: I know

MyName: ok, so you try to sit down and tell HerBoy2 patiently why he shouldn't do what he has done wrong

MyName: and when he does it again...?

MyName: you sit down patiently again and tell him the same thing...

HerName: but if I everytime you would hear nothing but "MyGirl1 did this or that"

MyName: ok, one topic at a time or we'll loose one another

MyName: I've made a note of the MyGirl1 side topic so we don't over look it

MyName: ok, so when HerBoy2 continues to screw up, you lovingly and patiently remind him why he shouldn't do it

MyName: over and over

MyName: until he finally understands and corrects himself

MyName: and you do that

HerName: no I yell at him

HerName: not often but yes I do

MyName: well, at times, yes you do yell at him

MyName: I agree

MyName: but for the most part, whether it's talking to or yelling

MyName: you take a non physical method of discipline

MyName: and that's fine

MyName: but as he continues to screw up (example: doing his homework when we had that problem)

MyName: you continue to drill at it patiently to find a way to make him understand

MyName: and that's fine

MyName: but why then is MyGirl1 treated differently?

MyName: why have you given up on her?

HerName: I grounded him from the PC for one month

MyName: yes you did

MyName: I'm not complaining at all

MyName: I'm NOT using what I just said as a way to dig at HerBoy2, so don't be defensive

MyName: I'm using it to say

MyName: You're patient with HerBoy2 because you love him...because he's your child

HerName: at least he is responsive

HerName: I have nothing from MyGirl1 just hateful eyes

MyName: so that makes MyGirl1 a bad child not worthy of your love and HerName:ience?

HerName: and a bunch of **** talk afterwards

MyName: I get the same crap from HerBoy2

MyName: blatant lies and ignoring me

MyName: do I give up on him?

MyName: or do I try different approaches?

MyName: it would be very easy for me to give up on HerBoy2

MyName: he's not my child after all

MyName: I don’t "have" to love him

MyName: but I choose NOT to

MyName: because I want us all to be a family

MyName: and I can't love you and HerGirl1 and not HerBoy2

MyName: he deserves better than that

MyName: and so does MyGirl1

MyName: btw "but I choose NOT to" is in regards to choosing NOT to give up on him

MyName: even if it means me banging my head against the wall

MyName: fussing and cussing and chain smoking cigarettes

MyName: because he won’t' stop doing the things that I hate...

MyName: I have chosen NOT to give up on him, because giving up on him is giving up on you

MyName: I see every little thing that he does wrong, where you see partial things because you have HerName:ience and understanding with him because he's your child

MyName: just as you see every little thing that MyGirl1 does wrong

MyName: while I see partial things because I have patience and understanding with her...because she's my child

HerName: I don't see it I hear the complains from the kids

MyName: whatever the method

MyName: HerBoy2 is no angel either

HerName: i know

HerName: none of the kids are

MyName: just this morning MyGirl2 asked him for the brush out of the bathroom and he slam'ed the door in her face

MyName: so we "could" go tit for tat

MyName: but we don't need to

MyName: the do all have issues

MyName: we know that

MyName: I'm just saying that you see my kids issues more clearly because you're not their mother and naturally have less patience and understanding

MyName: just as I see your kids issues more clearly for the same reasons

MyName: bottom line, "giving up" on any of them means suicide for our relationship

MyName: and "I choose US" LOL (tasteless quote from movie “The family man”)

HerName: have you ever thought that MyGirl1 is craving attention from you and she is doing all this **** to get your attention even if it is negetive attention

MyName: sweetheart

MyName: you're still assuming that this is all new to me

MyName: that I'm unfamiliar with my daughter

HerName: you said she just moved back

MyName: that doesn't mean that I don't know her

HerName: how am I to know how well you do or do not know her

MyName: she's been living with me since a year before you moved in

MyName: and came up for the summers before that

MyName: I KNOW my daughter

MyName: you should give me the same benefit of the doubt as I do you when you tell me you know yours

MyName: she's my daughter

HerName: mine have been living with me

MyName: that was in response to your question btw

MyName: and MyGirl1s "issues" are no small hard to spot thing either

MyName: it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that she has these issues darling

MyName: I'm a smart guy, even though you don't think so when it comes to this

MyName: I told you when we first started talking

MyName: that I study the human psyche

MyName: that I see every little thing they do and analyze it

HerName: ok

MyName: every body movement and everything

HerName: I was just trying to help you out

MyName: I know babe

MyName: but we're beyond figuring out the reason

MyName: we both know that it's for attention

HerName: sometimes people in relationships do not see things like people on the outside

HerName: no biggie

MyName: yes, I know

MyName: I assure you though, my eyes aren't closed because they're my kids

MyName: I may let one of them slide from time to time on select items, just as I do with yours

MyName: but that doesn't mean I don't see them for what they are

MyName: and again, I'll tell you that MyGirl1 is a bitch with her chosen attitudes

MyName: and if she continues on this path

MyName: she's going to be a lonely 250lb bitch of a woman who blames the world for her own misfortune and misery

MyName: and that is fact

MyName: but imagine what would happen if I gave up on her?

MyName: and yes, I know you haven't implied or asked that

MyName: but imagine what would happen

MyName: she doesn't get her discipline from her mother or her grandmother

MyName: I am the only chance that she has

MyName: I just need to find a way through

MyName: and you giving up on her and being super critical of every move she makes

MyName: doesn't make things any easier on the process or me

MyName: it makes things 10 times harder

MyName: because now I have to add your feelings of dislike for her into the mix

HerName: do you recall how upset and defensive you were when HerBoy2 made city cry over at your moms

HerName: caity

MyName: of course

MyName: because he physically hit her

MyName: not because he made her cry

HerName: that's how I feel everytime when MyGirl1 hurts my kids's feeling

MyName: no boy should hit a woman or girl

HerName: with her snide remarks

MyName: I wasn't upset at HerBoy2 because he was upset at caity

MyName: I was upset at HerBoy2 because I don't want HerBoy2 to grow up thinking it's ok to hit girls

MyName: and yes, when it perpetuated, my frustration with him grew

MyName: but I didn't give up on him

MyName: ok

MyName: let’s look at your last statement

MyName: HerName: that's how I feel everytime when MyGirl1 hurts my kids's feeling

MyName: let me ask you this

MyName: do you think that your son is stupid?

MyName: and no, I'm not calling him stupid

HerName: no of course I don't

MyName: or course not

HerName: I was going to say

HerName: that's the reason why I emotionally detached myself from MyGirl1

MyName: but you surely realize that there are MANY times (not all or probably not the majority) that it's HerBoy2 that starts ****

MyName: and then turns around and uses your feelings towards MyGirl1

MyName: by blaming her for something

MyName: and then you blindly admonish MyGirl1 for something that he himself started

MyName: ??

MyName: I know he does that... because I've seen it, several times

MyName: same thing that I asked in the email

MyName: you just told me the other day how you had to correct HerGirl1 about her attitude towards HerBoy2

MyName: can you honestly sit here and tell me that she's never done that towards MyGirl1 or the caity?

MyName: and it's not about citing examples

MyName: I'm trying to get you to understand

MyName: I feel the same as you about my kids

HerName: she did not say anything mean

MyName: I feel upset, confused, sad and angry when I see mine upset by you or yours

MyName: I'm not saying she did

HerName: she was implying that he should know what is going to happen in boy scouts

MyName: nor am I saying she's bad because of it

MyName: that's typical for a teenager

MyName: you don't need to defend her

MyName: what I'm saying IS that teenagers will be teenagers

MyName: there will be and is times when HerGirl1 is snotty to HerBoy2

MyName: just as there was times when HerBoy1 was snotty to HerGirl1 or HerBoy2

MyName: no difference

HerName: I have a very tight leash on my daughter and when I see her her doing something that I do not apprpve on I talk to her

MyName: and there will be times when HerGirl1 is snotty to any of mine

MyName: oh and I don't?

HerName: who is defensive now

HerName: did I imply anywhere that you don't

HerName: I was merely stating that I do correct my child if I see something or hear of it

MyName: I'm not defensive at all

MyName: one second, phone... sorry, but I am at work

MyName: anyway, I'm not defensive at all

HerName: going back so you are telling me that my son at the age of 9 is the master mind in getting MyGirl1 in all the trouble

MyName: not at all

MyName: not even close

MyName: all I'm getting at with that

MyName: is that "sometimes" it's not simply all MyGirl1s doing

MyName: and I believe I also said, that it "may" be MyGirl1's doing, but "there are MANY times (not all or probably not the majority) that it's HerBoy2 that starts ****"

MyName: this is another example of you being defensive because you think I'm just out to blindly defend mine and point fingers at yours

MyName: the point being, that at the point where we're at now, every time HerBoy2 accuses MyGirl1 of something, it's just automatically MyGirl1s fault, even though "sometimes" it's HerBoy2 who started the trouble... (sometimes)

MyName: and that's likely MyGirl1's own doing

MyName: because of the trouble that she DOES cause

MyName: but that doesn't make it right by any standards

MyName: that was the same point I was trying to make with regards to HerGirl1 being a "teenage girl"

MyName: why I referenced HerBoy1

MyName: that's what siblings do...

MyName: they get grumpy with one another

MyName: just as I said, you can't sit here and tell me that HerGirl1 has never been a typical "teenage girl" and been grumpy with the girls

MyName: and then came and complained to you that the girls were on her nerves

MyName: there are two sides to EVERY story, even if one of the sides aren't as clearly visible... there are still two sides

MyName: and no, I'm not making blanket excuses for my children

MyName: I'm simply saying that "not everything" that goes on around our house is "MyName's bad kids"

HerName: i never referred to bad kids

MyName: yet... I rarely hear the words.. "I had to get on HerGirl1 because she said this or that to MyGirl2"

MyName: or "HerBoy2 was being mean to MyGirl2"

MyName: I'm not saying that you did honey... those were just chosen to make a statement

HerName: I thought we had this discussion before also

MyName: we have

MyName: and the situation has not changed... has it?

MyName: have you become more patient with my "kids being kids"?

HerName: I explained to you that i took care of it and that's the end of it

MyName: again, you're being defensive

MyName: I'm not citing any one example

HerName: I am talking to you about yours so that you can take care of it however you feel fit

MyName: I'm NOT trying to go tit for tat here

MyName: I'm saying that they ALL should be treated with patience and compassion

MyName: oic

MyName: so I'm the only one who needs to make adjustments?

HerName: you are reading in bedtween the lines

HerName: not at all

MyName: no, I'm reading what you wrote quite clearly

MyName: HerName: I am talking to you about yours so that you can take care of it however you feel fit

HerName: in regards to your statement on

HerName: I explained to you that i took care of it and that's the end of it

HerName: I am not saying anything at all about you needing to adjust

MyName: and you're still talking with regards to one single incident

MyName: that of which, I have no exact idea what it is

MyName: and not where I am at all

HerName: yes and you are jumping down my throaght aver nothing

MyName: ok, whatever

MyName: you're clearly not following what I'm trying to do at all

MyName: you're looking at every single thing I type

HerName: yes I am

MyName: and thinking that I'm coming down on you for "this" and "that"

MyName: ok

HerName: but you are not really giving me anything other then that I am doing it wrong

MyName: what is the incident that you're addressing?

MyName: I'm not?

MyName: I spent the last hour explaining examples

HerName: no you are not

HerName: yes you are

HerName: but we are not coming to any conclusions

MyName: cause you're refusing to see my point of view

HerName: what I am hearing is that you want me to be more linient with MyGirl1

MyName: you're still feeling defensive and addressing individual instances

HerName: and be nice to her when she is mean to the kids

HerName: that's what i am reading

MyName: not at all

MyName: you're "never" nice to her... even when she's not doing anything wrong

MyName: your voice is ALWAYS abrupt, to the point and no affection

MyName: "move the towels"

MyName: "do this"

MyName: "don't do that"

MyName: but even THAT is not the point I'm getting at

MyName: the point is (again)

MyName: that your kids **** up just as much as mine do

MyName: you are patient and understanding with ALL of them

MyName: and not so patient and understanding with MINE when they **** up

MyName: I've been citing examples, just to simply try and get you to understand

MyName: I've comprised that email just to simply try and get you to understand

MyName: that ALL of the kids have "issues" that are slightly different

MyName: you have "more" issues with MyGirl1 than the others... fine

MyName: I have "more" issues with HerBoy2 than HerGirl1... fine

MyName: but we can't just "give up" on them

MyName: THAT is my point (again)

MyName: NOT, "oh HerBoy2 did this or HerGirl1 did that"

MyName: they ALL **** up!

MyName: yet all I ever hear about or see is how mine **** up

HerName: well I can't help if you see how they **** up that's on them I have nothing to do with that

HerName: but I will stop saying anything negetive about your kids

MyName: I have no idea what that comment means

MyName: masking the problem doesn't correct the problem

MyName: it only makes it worse

MyName: and if it gets much worse, I will end this

MyName: the point being (in that last statement), is that I won't let his relationship spiral down to the point where you, I and all of the children are miserable

MyName: I really wish that you would have read that email with an open mind to actually hear what I was saying

 

-Approximately Two hours later-

 

HerName: I have read the e-mail 3 times

HerName: we were dating at the time the cell phone was givin to HerBoy2

HerName: I have been very thankful for you to take over the bills

HerName: I also have been with little amount of money that I do have contributed to the household

HerName: and I have been looking for a job took a job

HerName: to help out

HerName: I would like for this marriage to work

HerName: leaving without saying goodbye this morning was not cool I did say good morning to you this morning all I got was a grunt......I hope you will be more approachable this evening.....you have distant yourself from me for a while now let me know where you want this realtionship to go other then telling me that you want to end it.......

HerName: I love you

HerName: bye

MyName: If I wanted this relationship to end, I wouldn't be putting out an effort to save it

MyName: I do love you, more than anyone I've ever loved before

[Thornton]

Hi HisName

 

I suggest you summarise that and re-post, because few people are going to read it all - even I only managed to skim it! You'll get more responses if you write a summary and break it down into short paragraphs and clear points.

 

My initial feeling is that you aren't presenting a united front to your children and treating them all equally, and perhaps she's playing favourites with her own children. You need to set rules jointly and then all children have to abide by them.

 

Can I ask, do your children live with you too? Or do they live elsewhere with their mother and just visit? Do they even see their mother? I was just wondering if you all live together all the time, or not.

[HisName]

Thanks, will do on the summarize...

 

Yes, my children live with us full time. We DO set rules together, she just points out every failure by my kids and little to none of hers.

 

Thanks again... I'll summarize as soon as possible...

[HisName]

Well, I guess I can't condense it, the edit button isn't there anymore... Wish I would have figured it out earlier...

[GorillaTheater]

That's okay, I got the gist of it.

 

I claim no expertise in the situation you have, but have you considered marriage and/or family counseling? I think the main benefit is providing a "safe", structured environment in which to work these issues out.

[Thornton]

Just make a new thread with a summarised version

[HisName]

That's okay, I got the gist of it.

 

I claim no expertise in the situation you have, but have you considered marriage and/or family counseling? I think the main benefit is providing a "safe", structured environment in which to work these issues out.

We've considered marriage counseling, but that's one of those things that never happened. Now that you mention family counseling, I'm very interested in that... cause this whole thing is just messed up and I believe that everyone would benefit. How costly is something like that?

[HisName]

Just make a new thread with a summarised version

Will do... I'll have to do it tomorrow though, she's home from work now and I don't know how well she would take me posting our laundry online.

[GorillaTheater]

We've considered marriage counseling, but that's one of those things that never happened. Now that you mention family counseling, I'm very interested in that... cause this whole thing is just messed up and I believe that everyone would benefit. How costly is something like that?

 

It certainly CAN get a bit pricey over an extended period, but there's a fair chance that any insurance you may have will cover most of the cost. In any event, I think it would be a good investment even though I did see the bit where you're financially strapped.

[HisName]

Good call on the insurance. Her and her children aren't on my health yet (can't afford it), but I'll investigate the options.

[Island Girl]

You certainly put in a lot of effort.

 

Even in looking at the IM convo you are doing the talking more than three fourths of the time.

 

You talk and talk and talk and she gives out one or two sentences to your twenty.

 

That's a problem from what I see and only adds to the issues with the kids.

[HisName]

Yes, I can see where that could be a problem. It was a combination of my frustration and 120wpm fingers. I'll try to slow down a bit to give her time to process...

[Island Girl]

Yes, I can see where that could be a problem. It was a combination of my frustration and 120wpm fingers. I'll try to slow down a bit to give her time to process...

 

Perhaps that would help but honestly it seemed like she wasn't as bought in to finding a solution as you are. And that would not only contribute to the problem with the kids but is a whole separate issue.

[fooled once]

I admit. I didn't read the whole post.

 

I am in a blended family. I have been in one for 11+ years. When H and I married my S was 9, his D was 7 and his S was 15.

 

I had sole custody and he had e/o/w visitation.

 

Blended families take a LOT of work. It takes at least a year for blended families to blend.

 

You cannot, CANNOT, do this "your kid did xxx" stuff.

 

DROP IT.

 

Divorce is hard; blending families is hard; parenting is hard.

 

My advice:

 

Write a FAMILY rules list. Sounds like both of you are letting your kids run wild and get away with murder. Bedtime is at XX time. NOT 2 minutes later. At XX time. If that rule isn't followed; then punishment will follow.

 

CONSISTENCY is key in parenting. Sounds like neither of you are consistent. Which then causes resentment. Which then causes hurt feelings. Which then means fighting and you have only been married a couple of months.

 

FAMILY RULES

CONSISTENCY

FAIRNESS

 

And at NO TIME should you ever use physical punishment on her kids and visa versa. NEVER.

 

You two, like me and my H, didn't get a 'honeymoon' period that those without kids do get.

 

Both of you have to apologize for your actions and words. BOTH of you need to stop looking for things to find wrong in each others kids. BOTH of you need to stop being so defensive.

 

FAMILY NIGHT

One night a week, sit down, put video games away, put a movie on, pop some popcorn and enjoy.

 

FAMILY MEETINGS

 

One night - every week - family meeting night. Each person gets a turn to talk about whatever they want. If something is bothering them. If someone is being mean, etc. Get an object and each person who talks holds the object. ONLY the person holding the object gets to talk. No interrupting. Good way to air grievances, etc.

 

PRAISE

Find something to praise her kids about EVERY SINGLE DAY. Take care of your children. Make sure they are following the RULES.

 

To recap:

 

FAMILY RULES

CONSISTENCY

FAIRNESS

FAMILY NIGHT

FAMILY MEETINGS

PRAISE

 

Did I say consistency

 

Also remember, we are parents. We are NOT our kids friends. We are here to raise them, guide them, discipline them, teach them, love them. We are not here to be their buddies and their friends.

 

Good luck!

[Athena]

I would suggest you leave the D-word out of a brand new 2 month old marriage!

Also, words/names/labels have a way of becoming self-fulfilled -- as in the 'self-fulfilled prophecy' > I say this regarding 'problem children', problem marriages, problem parenting... be more positive and motivating instead of pesimistic.

 

I see your W ducking and diving on the IM... she is, in my opinion, doing wrong by having written an 11 year old step-daughter off! SHE is the adult, and has to be bigger than the child ---in love and acceptance and being firm, yet positive!

 

I have been a step-parent too, and my step-daughter (whom I love) was tough for years. My H, being a father who had his daughter over on odd weekends, and school vacations, tended to spoil her by not disciplining her at all, and then when I lovingly, but firmly set boundaries with her (for e.g. her as a 7 year old being awake at 11pm at night when her mother sent her to bed at 7:30pm every night!) my H turned on me and snapped "She's my daughter, not yours!"

 

Well we got over that. A long time has passed since -- she's 28 now, and loves me! Tell your wife that kids DO grow up, and they KNOW if an adult has been unfair with them!!!!

 

Seriously, you guys should go to family counseling as the above poster suggested.. they have sliding scales of pay at community centers, or counseling programs attached to universities... check it out for your area. If you and your kids have health insurance, then I don't see why the whole family cant attend the same family counseling session without extra cost! You only pay for the counselors TIME, not PER PERSON in the group session!!!!

[HisName]

Lots of good replies guys... Thank you!

 

I started taking some of the advice here. We spoke earlier this evening about doing family night and trying to get things more consistent. I started feeling like there was some positive things that we could try to combat our issues.... It wasn't much and certainly not the extent of the work left ahead, but a start none the less. But then...

 

(I'll start using your abbreviations, hope I get them right)

 

W went to bed early as she often does. I was watching the ultimate fighter. So, when that was finished, I collect my cell phone and hers to go to bed... Half way to the bedroom, I figured, let me check her text messages. She and SD were talking earlier about SD going somewhere after school tomorrow, while I was sitting right there and not included in the convo. So I figured "I'd like to know where SD will be when I get home from work (as I get home before W does)". So, I check her text messages, which is NOT something that I've ever done before. But W has told me on multiple occassions that she didn't care if I see what's on her phone (which I pay for) as she has nothing to hide, so I figured "ok" and checked. Well, to my surprise, I see a bunch of texts back and forth between W and SD about my D and what a bitch she is. I see W taking SD's side for my D mentioning to SD that they weren't supposed to eat the frozen yogurt because my D was told by ME not to eat them because W threw a fit because one was missing! Turns out that it was SD that is eating them and my D was doing what was asked of her because I was trying to support W's bitch fit over "someone eating a frozen yogurt". So now MY D is a "bitch" (again) and SD wants to "throw her ass down"... All the while W is condoning this conversation by being an ACTIVE part of it!!!

 

I'm so angry, pissed and hurt right now that all I can think is I WANT THEM OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I live by several moto's, and one is TRUST. I know that a marriage MUST have trust if it is to survive. I feel as though W is lying to me and I no longer trust her. And here she was just this morning saying that I "need to trust her". Trust her to do what? Perpetuate our sibling issues by being an active part of slamming my D because my D was doing what she was asked to do???? And the language... If my S (the same age) used the f'bomb and other words like she allows her D to use, I'd punch him in his mouth... She just doesn't care. Unreal... By no means am I NOT profane, I'm an ex sailor, but adult language is, well, for adults (should they choose and where appropriate), not for 14 year olds I dont' know who this woman is...

 

Guess I'll go back to just being me and my kids. To hell with her and hers...

[trd]

im sry to hear about all of ur 'headaches' but this is so common...i have a few suggestions...let me first say that i feel it is almost impossible to love another persons kids as much as u love ur own but that doesnt mean that a love isnt there...the two of u (u and ur wife) need to come up with a schedule that every kid can c and read...maybe days of week on the side and kids names on the top and then each chore put in the proper spot...give each child a certain amount of quarters at the beginning of the week, every evening u and ur wife-together-need to check if chores were done, if not then take away a certain amount of quarters for each chore (i used nickles but my children were a bit younger) quarters can b taken away for disrespect, fowl language, etc...now keep in mind that reminders dont hurt, often we as adults need to b reminded of our 'daily duties' so its only fair that we remind kids of their 'daily duties'...it will keep u and ur wife from yelling so much at the kids, ive always been a yeller and all it got me was more fustrated than i already was...kids dont respond well to negativity...yelling causes a lot of defiance and negative behavior from kids...they need constant love and respect-we want them to respect us, we need to respect them! also u need to establish a 'family' night...it doesnt have to cost money, simple games or even a video with microwave popcorn can b fun but it needs to b done with everyone! blending two families is so difficult, kids have a hard enough time wanting to listen to their own parents, they sure dont want to listen to a step parent...it creates so much defiance and ill will! one more thing, u and ur wife need time to urselves, a date nite perhaps...or just a simple trip to the grocery store, just the two of u...no negative talking, try and keep things positive i hope my suggestions will help but keep in mind, if the other person is an unwilling participant, dont let the well being of ur children b altered...dont let their happiness b determined by a relationship of urs...i know that companionship is important bur ur kids r more important!

[Shygirl15]

The bottom line is this… Our marriage cannot and will not succeed unless we are one family. Your children cannot be held to a different set of standards than mine.

I cannot see how you can emerge as one family if you keep referring to the kids as "your kids" and "my kids". That's two families right there.

[hopeful1980]

I'm so sorry HisName. It must have really hurt to read those things on her cell phone. She is wrong.

 

I don't know if a blended family every can be one family in the traditional sense. Each side comes with it's own baggage and ways of doing things and it's hard to "blend" them. It takes a long time and even then the best that can be hoped for is a mutal respect from all parties involved.

 

At any rate, she shouldn't have talked about your child behind your back with her daughter. It's down right mean. I have a stepson, and besides not wanting to be cruel to him I wouldn't do that because I wouldn't want to set a bad example for my own child. umph umph umph

[fooled once]

I am NOT saying your W was right to be taking to her D the way she did --- BUT --- you really had no right to check her text messages. I don't care if "you" pay for it. So what.

 

Let me tell you something that happened to me....

 

In the early years of my marriage, I, like so many, had many issues with blending my family, how my H seemed to lay down and let his kids walk on him, etc. It is highly doubtful you will find 2 parents who 100% agree on parenting...

 

anway, I joined a site for step parents. I found out that there were so freaking many women like me -- in marriages with step kids who had H's who seemed to turn a blind eye to what was going on.

 

I posted - I vented - I got advise. I felt like this place was my personal diary for issues that I had going on in my life.

 

As with any online community, you can be anonymous or reveal things about yourself. And, you find people who you just don't click with.

 

After about 2 years of being on this site, I finally got to a place where step life was good. I did post about the good times, but it wasn't nearly as much as the bad times.

 

Someone figured out who I was -- got my actual name. They found my SD (stepdaughter). They sent my SD my posts where I was angry as heck. Where I called her names. Where I vented my guts out.

 

Yeah, that didn't go over well <note the sarcasm>

 

And of course, my SD showed her mom and her mom called my H.

 

I was hurt, embarassed, shocked and just wanting to get away.

 

It took 6 months before my SD would speak to me again.

 

Today, we are closer than ever. She is "my girl". She still can anger me, but we BOTH learned how to communicate better.

 

My point is you read stuff that wasn't addressed to you or for you. It wasn't your businesss. I know many will disagree - probably including you - but just because you get married doesn't mean you give up your privacy.

 

So now, you can either OWN UP to what you read to your wife so that is out in the open, or it can be a 'secret' that festers inside you.

 

THIS is where family meetings really come into play AND counseling. Definitely counseling for the WHOLE family and counseling just for you and your W.

 

The stuff is really petty. Think about it. Frozen Yogurts? Come on. In the whole scheme of things, they aren't important. One huge thing I learned in counseling is "will the issue play a part in your life 6 months from now? 5 years from now?" I guarantee you frozen yogurt won't be that big of a deal.

 

You and her need to learn to communicate. She needs to learn NOT to treat her D as an adult. She needs to learn to bring issues to YOU, not her D.

 

Please call and get some counseling set up RIGHT NOW ... before things get worse.

[HisName]

Well, I was highly emotional last night as you can tell from my post... LOL.

 

And I know I did a bad thing by reading her messages. I never really contemplated doing it until I picked it up to bring it to the bedroom for her and it lit/woke up. Not that it really matters, and yes, she still has the right to privacy. However, once the cat is out of the bag, it's good to see one's "true" colors, no matter what the method. I spent 10 years in purgatory with my spouse lying to me.

 

But anyway, I did confront her with it. She expressed how sorry she was and charged her frustration with my D as the motivation. We spoke about it for a good while etc...

 

Guys, don't think that I wish to perpetuate the "your kids" "my kids" talk. SHE keeps us there by not being consistent. Well, she IS consistent... Consistently nurturing and supportive of hers and consistently ugly to mine, with mine and about mine. The only reason I have to refer to any of them in those terms is for the purpose of identifying them for discussion on what my feelings are. Do I really care about things as trivial frozen yogurt? Hell no, but I’m not going to let “my” children get drug through the mud because of something that they did or didn’t do. And if they DID eat a frozen yogurt? So the heck what??? They should have the same pleasures in life that are afforded to her kids, and SD/D (ME) buys them ANYWAY! This is the root of my problems and why I came here for insight. She won’t “let” this family bond into one “unit”. It may never be a full family, I’m well aware of that. She’ll never love mine as I do and I’ll never love hers as she does. That’s human nature… But the way it is now, we just can’t go on. It’s petty, trivial and a complete waste of our time.

 

Anyway, we’re definitely in need of counseling if we’re going to get past this. If we don’t get passed it, well, that would be unfortunate, but that’s the way it goes sometimes. I truly realize that… My whole reason for posting here is not because I’m overly distraught about it, more that I’m frustrated with it beyond belief!

 

I most definitely appreciate all of your feedback, and will use most of it where/when I can. This woman has GOT to be honest with herself, these children (all of them) and myself for this marriage to work.

[fooled once]

Hi again

 

You still seem very mad. Realize also, she may feel YOU are doing things "just for your kids" too.

 

Women are WAY more emotional IMHO than men. Are you a custodial father? If so, then you as the father of the house NEED to take charge FIRST with dealing with your wife and then with THE kids.

 

If you are not a custodial father, then are you sure you aren't being a disney dad to your kids?

 

I watched my H let his kids get away with MURDER when it was his visitation weekend. He didn't want to be too strict or in his mind, they wouldn't want to come over. He wanted the kids to "like" him.

 

Took me a very long time to help him understand that his job is to PARENT his kids; not be their buddy.

 

I was always a strict parent (my son is now an adult). His kids never dealt with a strict parent. They were with my way of parenting.

 

Like with the example you gave - with bedtimes. My son's was 8 pm. 8 pm. Not 8:05. 8 pm. In bed.

 

His D (who was 2 years younger than my S) wouldn't even BEGIN to get ready for bed until 8:30. DROVE ME NUTS!!! But, I was in charge of MY child. I made sure HE followed the rules (or my rules).

 

Today - my son graduated with honors. His son never graduated or got his GED (he is 27). His D barely graduated (we found out the day before graduation that she would graduate). My son is focused, works hard and owns his own house. His kids? Struggle WHEN they hold a job, are both in debt to us and are just kinda drifting through life.

 

My point -- focus on YOUR kids. Don't worry about what her kids are doing. Don't worry about a yogurt (I know you aren't, just using an example). If they are your Wife's yogurts and she doesn't want the kids to have one, that is 'her' right. I have special food that is MINE .... but I also allow my son to have some of it and I really wouldn't be happy if his kids just took some of it --- WITHOUT asking.

 

Just differences in being a bio parent vs a step parent.