reservoirdog1 Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Had a bit of a revelation with my GF last night. We've been seeing each other since February. Overall, things have been really good. Fun, passion, sex, goofiness, all of that. A couple of months ago, and again last night, we hit a bit of an "obstacle". Her only real "criticism" of me has been that she finds me really difficult to read -- I show her a lot of affection and that's good, but she feels like I'm not letting her in or telling her the things about myself that she needs to know. One feature of her that I've really appreciated in our time together has been that she tells me what she's thinking. If there's something wrong, she'll say so. Last night she said that she was feeling like I was in a "could go either way" stage with her, i.e. she was feeling as though I felt we could end the romantic relationship and just be friends and that would be okay with me, or if we continued it, that would be cool too. Not exactly an inspiring vibe for her to be getting from me. When I heard this my first thought was that she was trying to break up but was trying to provide a guilt-free, drama-free way to end it. But then the revelation hit me, which dispelled that. I certainly wasn't trying to put that vibe out there, but it was coming across anyway. The revelation was that she doesn't feel "emotionally safe" in the relationship. She's shared a lot with me about her past, her insecurities, etc., but it's become clear to me that it's been a one way street -- I haven't reciprocated to nearly the same degree. I chalk this up to a few things. One is that my marriage ended six years ago and that hurt me a lot, so that probably made me keep my guard up. Another is a misguided male sense of stoicism, an "I-don't-have-vulnerabilities" front. I told her what I'd figured out, and frankly, I think I nailed it. She wasn't trying to end things. When I told her all of that, it was kind of like giving a starving person (her) some food. The rest of the evening was beautiful, on many levels. We're only at the beginning of fixing what's missing, and that's where my question for the board comes in. Developing true emotional intimacy requires, it seems to me, a willingness by each partner to show vulnerability to the other. Can anybody share some thoughts on how to do this? Talking about insecurities, weaknesses, genuine fears, etc. and thereby demonstrating that you trust the other person with that part of you seems like a good way to start. Does anybody have any thoughts they can share? Thanks everybody.
Trialbyfire Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 reservoirdog, here's my rule of thumb for both romantic relationships and friendships. Reveal one vulnerability at a time and if you're seriously concerned, reveal one juicy red herring. If this information is either used against you or if this information comes back to you through the grape vine, you know this person isn't to be trusted with any further vulnerabilities.
hopeful1980 Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I think you got it. You have to trust the other person. I think you should only do it if you are ready to do it. I think she would have been satisfied if you just told her you want to be vulnerable but you just aren't ready at this time. Just letting her know you are thinking about it sometimes is enough.
mem11363 Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Very interesting conversation. There is an "ideal" distance between people and finding/keeping it is like riding a bike - constant minor adjustments to stay balanced. If you give someone 100% comfort in you being there - for many people - not all but many - that kills the passion. If you are too removed they feel anxious, which is where you are. Just saying that if you are too safe you become uninteresting. This is not about playing games. It is about making sure that each of your lives - all by themselves - is interesting enough and consuming enough for you - that you need to make a little effort to draw each other together. There are lots of books on this. Schnarch, Perel You are at a great spot. It is MUCH easier to inch closer then to pull back. There is this ugly cycle that people get into - usually manifests itself in sexual tension. The more insecure partner wants too much assurance/reassurance from the stronger partner. They crowd the other person - too many I love yous, too many text messages and phone calls. Too many hugs/touches. The other person pulls away a little. They feel more insecure and increase their closeness. This begins a disasterous cycle of one person clutching and the other person pulling away. good luck Had a bit of a revelation with my GF last night. We've been seeing each other since February. Overall, things have been really good. Fun, passion, sex, goofiness, all of that. A couple of months ago, and again last night, we hit a bit of an "obstacle". Her only real "criticism" of me has been that she finds me really difficult to read -- I show her a lot of affection and that's good, but she feels like I'm not letting her in or telling her the things about myself that she needs to know. One feature of her that I've really appreciated in our time together has been that she tells me what she's thinking. If there's something wrong, she'll say so. Last night she said that she was feeling like I was in a "could go either way" stage with her, i.e. she was feeling as though I felt we could end the romantic relationship and just be friends and that would be okay with me, or if we continued it, that would be cool too. Not exactly an inspiring vibe for her to be getting from me. When I heard this my first thought was that she was trying to break up but was trying to provide a guilt-free, drama-free way to end it. But then the revelation hit me, which dispelled that. I certainly wasn't trying to put that vibe out there, but it was coming across anyway. The revelation was that she doesn't feel "emotionally safe" in the relationship. She's shared a lot with me about her past, her insecurities, etc., but it's become clear to me that it's been a one way street -- I haven't reciprocated to nearly the same degree. I chalk this up to a few things. One is that my marriage ended six years ago and that hurt me a lot, so that probably made me keep my guard up. Another is a misguided male sense of stoicism, an "I-don't-have-vulnerabilities" front. I told her what I'd figured out, and frankly, I think I nailed it. She wasn't trying to end things. When I told her all of that, it was kind of like giving a starving person (her) some food. The rest of the evening was beautiful, on many levels. We're only at the beginning of fixing what's missing, and that's where my question for the board comes in. Developing true emotional intimacy requires, it seems to me, a willingness by each partner to show vulnerability to the other. Can anybody share some thoughts on how to do this? Talking about insecurities, weaknesses, genuine fears, etc. and thereby demonstrating that you trust the other person with that part of you seems like a good way to start. Does anybody have any thoughts they can share? Thanks everybody.
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