I need to get over this urge to ask her out

[dell00]

Hi all, Im a 28 year old guy. Pretty average in most respects but not very social. Havent had any proper relationships since I left school (told myself its because i want to focus on my career and wait for ms perfect to come along).

Well anyway, my stupid psyche whatever has decided to give me this feeling that ms perfect has come along.

Hoping you can go over the lowdown on the situation and advise me on how to get over her.... I want to get over her because i think it cant go anywhere, and if i have to feel this way it should be about someone who reciprocates.

About the girl:

-We work for the same company for a year and a half or so. (I joined the office after her).

-I never thought she was very special. Then we spent a couple of weeks working on an assignment+spent time together after work for those 2 weeks, about 8 months ago. Thats actually when I got to know her, and realized that she was quite attractive and fun to be with. These were just chill out conversations over coffee or a snack before we headed home, so it was just really friendly and nothing more.

- The assignment ended and i moved to my next project. I dont think i talked to her even once in between then and about a month and a half ago, which is when i shifted back to my old department and now interact with her very regularly.

- She kinda seems amazing to me now. Lot of stuff in common in terms of our likes and dislikes, what we watch, what we hear, how we perceive people. We are quite friendly, and a random conversation at work will last 30 mins before we realize that we should be working not chatting. The conversations are full of laughter and agreement on the topic.

- As I mentioned, im not very social, but the way i feel about her, I find myself wanting to be social with her. And although she is attractive, its not just the physical aspect. I mean, if she asked me to go watch a movie, id jump; if she asked me to accompany her to an art gallery, id jump. If she asked me to take her frikkin shopping, id jump. I was actually at a point where I comtemplated marriage. Insane, right?

But thats the thing, its become a massive crush that is eating up a lot of my free time in terms of thought. I hate that I actually feel depressed at times when Im thinking about how cool it would be if we were more than just colleagues. This kind of crappy longing has never happened to me before; ive always had a pure work relationship with the ladies at work (including some really hot and very friendly ones). I have no idea why this one in particular is hitting me, and hitting me hard.

 

The only vibe i get from her side is one of me being a timepass object, Why:

- She is a very chatty person in general, so im not sure whether she talks to me out of boredom and/or general courtesy, rather than an interest in talking to me personally.

- When we chat its usually she who comes over to my workspace to talk to me. But when she is there she never sits, and she usually stands up and has her arms folded across her chest or has a project document held up at stomach, chest or mouth level (no i dont stare at her chest). We dont talk for 30+ mins like this, but she does it too frequently and its something i find really weird and annoying. I read on the web that this is a sign of being uneasy around someone.

- There is zero physical contact - no arm touch, no nothing, not even a shoulder tap to turn me away from my monitor when she arrives at my workspace.

- She doesnt remember things about me; i.e. if she has asked me a personalish question before, she should remember the answer right? She repeats questions. I know i remember every bit of personal detail about her that i pick up in our conversations.

- There is no communication outside of work: no sms, no emails, no phone calls, no invites to meet up after work. She knows that Im not very socially active so its not as if she thinks im too busy with my life.

- Shes hot (not the hottest girl I work with but hot), im average. Why the hell would she be interested in me anyway.

 

The above is how im rationalizing that its one sided, my sided. Im not offended by the above conclusion since ive reached it; I just wish I could accept it a bit more wholeheartedly and stop dreaming.

 

What ive tried to do to get over this is limit my contact with her since this monday. Im hoping that having less fun conversations with her will give me less situations to draw this feeling out of. I.e. so when she comes over to discuss non work stuff, I dont spend more than 10 mins before I make an excuse like "ive got to turn this " or "the boss is nearby, lets get back to work". (she may have noticed this already and today actually asked me why I was so busy and different all of a sudden).

 

Can you guys tell me if you think i have the situation read correctly, and if there are any other ways to get me to stop thinking about her... Im really getting annoyed because i consider my self to be quite rational, and rationality tells me this can go no where.

 

Also, i shouldnt ask her out on a date or say anything to indicate my interest, right? It would be stupid and lead to work complications, right?

 

What really blows is that the few close friends i have are work friends who also know her, so i cant even discuss this with anyone to get their advice. Im worried about them blabbering.... So, girls and guys, I look forward to your advice!

[stillafool]

I don't understand why you haven't asked her out? Does she have a boyfriend?

[dell00]

Mutliple reasons:

1. Her body language (the arm folding and never getting close).

2. Got surprised by something a couple of weeks ago. We were working till late (9:00pm) and I asked her if i could give her a lift home, and she said no (politely but still a no). If she says no to that, asking her out seems a far cry.

3. Dont want to mess up my office rep, im guessing people would love to gossip about this. Like, i mentioned shes a very chatty person and the office has been dry on gossip lately.

 

Dont know about the boyfriend, ive never asked since I think my expression will give my feelings away. I feel like a stupid wimp man.

[Els]

Just ask, seriously. I'm pretty darn sure I've arm-folded around my current bf before. If he had taken that as a 'sign' and not asked, where'd we be now?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Why not casually ask her to join you for lunch or something? No big deal, and certainly nothing too scary about that. If she reciprocates with a polite excuse, without offering to reschedule, then you’ll have your answer.

[dell00]

Thanks for replying and suggesting people.

 

@Elswyth. I know what you are saying.

Just to elaborate on what i meant by body language. I just wish it looked like she were comfortable throughout when she was having a one on one convo with me. The other ladies at the office (some of who i know less well than her) will come by and pat my head to get my attention or refer to me by a nickname or just sit on my desk and chat with me when some moron has pulled away the extra chair i keep around. This one doesnt do any of that... its really disconcerting because our convos are really more in tune than my convos with the other ladies. I dont think ive ever been confused by a woman this much in my entire life.

 

@Enigma. Yeah, that would have been the best suggestion cause its not scary at all. The thing is that we do eat lunch together as a group (since we are in a linked department) very regularly and sometimes it just me and her when the others cant make it at the same time. Thats pretty normal. (Ive also said no to her a couple of times for lunch when we've had to submit a presentation and my piece of it was still pending and shes said no to me too). Thats why i thought the offer of a lift home on that night would have been perfect, but she said no to that, which was really awkward, cause when she did i looked at my watch and mumbled something like "its really late man" and she said nothing so i left.

[tryagaintoday]

yeah, just casually ask her whether you can join her for lunch sometime. if she's ok, then slowly go from there. i know this is your first time but try to play it cool and don't jump the gun. you'll look desperate and a turn off. no poems, no confession and all this so soon alright?

[stillafool]

Thanks for replying and suggesting people.

 

@Elswyth. I know what you are saying.

Just to elaborate on what i meant by body language. I just wish it looked like she were comfortable throughout when she was having a one on one convo with me. The other ladies at the office (some of who i know less well than her) will come by and pat my head to get my attention or refer to me by a nickname or just sit on my desk and chat with me when some moron has pulled away the extra chair i keep around. This one doesnt do any of that... its really disconcerting because our convos are really more in tune than my convos with the other ladies. I dont think ive ever been confused by a woman this much in my entire life.

 

@Enigma. Yeah, that would have been the best suggestion cause its not scary at all. The thing is that we do eat lunch together as a group (since we are in a linked department) very regularly and sometimes it just me and her when the others cant make it at the same time. Thats pretty normal. (Ive also said no to her a couple of times for lunch when we've had to submit a presentation and my piece of it was still pending and shes said no to me too). Thats why i thought the offer of a lift home on that night would have been perfect, but she said no to that, which was really awkward, cause when she did i looked at my watch and mumbled something like "its really late man" and she said nothing so i left.

 

 

 

Sometimes when women really likes a guy she will fold her arms or be afraid to touch him. I was like that sometimes. I don't think you should take that action as an indication that she doesn't like you. I think if you are feeling something so is she. Could be that she also is afraid to get involved with someone she works with.

[Left in a Lurch]

I think the OP is picking up signals of disinterest and people are telling him to ask her out.

He made it pretty clear she is not interested in anything about him and doing anything social with him. The key being her asking him about himself and then not paying attention or listening to the answer. That tells me she is just making non-sense conversation.

Isn't this the exact situation where women end up wondering why a guy just won't take a hint?

[dell00]

Hi all.

 

@tryagaintoday. Thanks, yeah, im trying really hard to play it cool, till i can figure out how to get over this nutty feeling.

 

• I'm gonna keep playing the avoidance of long random conversations card. I wish I could cut it off completely. But other people come over to chat too, so cutting just her off completely would be too obvious. No confession is totally right, man, ive been telling myself to not capitulate if she asks me whats wrong once more, like she did yesterday.
  

 

• The daily lunches are killer, specially when there are few people! like 40 minutes where i try not to make a telling face or some dumb comment. Today also, me her and just one other random girl. Ive been thinking about dropping out of lunch, but i think it would be overkill if I do this and the conversation avoidance thing together. She would then totally notice. I dont want to be embarrased at the office.
  

 

@stillafool (i love your nick), hi. You could be right about her being afraid to start a work relationship, i never thought about that. Guess thats another reason that this is a non-starter.

 

 

@Chat Room Hero. yeah man, gimme tips to forget about her or like a forum slap to stop acting like a little sissy and move on.

 

• Another thing i remembered (thanks to lunch) about why i think shes not interested at all. She was telling the other girl she would give me this book because it was right up my alley.
  
• Shes a regular reader and her fave current author = dan brown. Why do i know this ****!!??.
  
• For the last 4 weeks or so, at least twice a week during our chats she'll tell me that she is going to get me this book (they vary) which I would love the next day. She expects me to read it and then we can talk about it. I always smile and say great in a sincere enthusiastic way. The first 3-4 times I actually went over and asked for it the next day, but she forgot to bring them. Shes never brought any of the books for me........wtf!
  

 

Id really like to thank you all. Being able to finally talk about this with someone (and that too anonymously) feels great. I hope it helps me out.

[Left in a Lurch]

Dell0,

I don't think you need a forum slap, I think you have the situation straight in your head but everyone is subject to physical attraction they can't control, whether they know if it can be reciprocated or not.

 

You have to ask yourself if you want to feel bad and think about her, or when you start to think about her force yourself to think of something else, or start doing something that distracts you and get back to being happier.

 

Pretty soon you'll find you're thinking of her less and less and moving on. Before long you'll bump into someone else that gives you the same feelings and hopefully there will be more promise.

 

Don't be fooled if she starts acting more hot then cold with her interest because she will probably miss the attention and ego stroke and start trying to win your 'attention' back. Once she gets it, she would probably lose all interest again.

 

Put a real face on it too. If you started going out and made plans for dinner and she forgot all the time, or she told you she was going to do something and did not deliver, how long would that be fun? She is showing you signs of not being dependable but you probably have not romaticised about being pissed waiting at a restauraunt on a Friday night while she is out with her friends because she said she would meet you and forgot.

[seibert253]

Why not casually ask her to join you for lunch or something? No big deal, and certainly nothing too scary about that. If she reciprocates with a polite excuse, without offering to reschedule, then you’ll have your answer.

 

Bingo, we have a winner.

[scipio]

Dell0,..I think you're selling yourself short man. I mean whats all this talk about you looking average? As long as you're not the elephant man with the proper manners and charm I'm sure you can get a date with her. You're giving up before you even tried. Maybe work on your self esteem a bit,...hit the gym,..get some new clothes.

[dell00]

Dell0,

I don't think you need a forum slap, I think you have the situation straight in your head but everyone is subject to physical attraction they can't control, whether they know if it can be reciprocated or not.

You have to ask yourself if you want to feel bad and think about her, or when you start to think about her force yourself to think of something else, or start doing something that distracts you and get back to being happier.

 

I really dont want to feel this way. It sucks. Its somewhat easier to force myself to not think about her when she is not around. But when she is there and we start talking and we start agreeing and laughing, all my resolve caves in. Its hard to do this when you work with someone. Still, I think my avoidance of long conversations strategy is going well. Its been 5 days and its been somewhat less depressing. It could also be because ive been finally able to express this issue through this forum.

 

Pretty soon you'll find you're thinking of her less and less and moving on. Before long you'll bump into someone else that gives you the same feelings and hopefully there will be more promise.

 

Today was a nice day, she didnt come into work.

So no pretending to work extra hard and how to get out of the conversations, and more concentration on the work i did do because there was no daydreaming about her or replaying a conversation with her in my head.

I have a hectic weekend planned out so at least thats going to keep me occupied. Im dreading monday.

Im just hoping she will think im a jerk or something after another week of conversation avoidance and stop having non-work related conversations with me.

 

Don't be fooled if she starts acting more hot then cold with her interest because she will probably miss the attention and ego stroke and start trying to win your 'attention' back. Once she gets it, she would probably lose all interest again.

 

Thanks for the heads up on this, what your saying about her possible reaction makes sense.

 

Put a real face on it too. If you started going out and made plans for dinner and she forgot all the time, or she told you she was going to do something and did not deliver, how long would that be fun? She is showing you signs of not being dependable but you probably have not romaticised about being pissed waiting at a restauraunt on a Friday night while she is out with her friends because she said she would meet you and forgot.

 

Absolutely true, im really surprised I hadnt thought of this. It would be a major annoyance. Forgetting things about me, not showing up, not delivering on commitments.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@Scipio. Thanks for your comment.

I think I can get a date with other women, im just not that interested in them, dunno why.

 

With this girl its a bit more complex. The thing is that shes done nothing to indicate any interest (e.g. what i think is closed body language, saying no to a lift home late at night, forgetting answers to basic personal questions she has asked me, not following through on things she is going to get me, and no communication outside work). As stillafool pointed out, it could be that she doesnt want a work relationship. When I add my perception of our relative looks to all this, it just helps me rationalize the futility more.

 

Hitting the gym is a great idea, i havent done that in a while.

 

This forum is full of optimists! I was expecting a more pessimistic response (i.e. saying my read of the futility of the situation is right).

[SierraMarie]

I don't think you should listen to 'Chat Room Hero'. I'm sorry but just because she didn't take up his offer to take her home does not mean she is not interested.

 

Dell, just because she may act like that doesn't mean anything. If anything, she's acting like that BECAUSE she likes you. I've totally done that before too. Of course you're going to be uneasy and nervous around somebody you like. Aren't you?

 

Nothing that you've said really shows to me that she's not interested. Nothing at all. The girls who act like they are so comfortable around you are the ones who don't like you. Duh! I'm sorry, this is just so obvious to me. If a girl likes you, she'll most likely be a little uncomfortable around you and if she doesn't what would she have to be uncomfortable about? Think about it. I'm talking from personal experience. She obviously likes you a little bit since she talks to you all the time. If she was totally put off by you trust me she would avoid you at all costs. But just the fact that when you tried to ignore you and she got upset about it and asked you why tells me something...

 

I think you ask her out! It sounds so perfect!

[dell00]

Okay, so check out this nutty stuff. I had a long weekend, slept a bit early, woke up early and reached the office 30 mins early. So im there and checking out yahoo news.

 

As bad luck would have it by some coincidence the girl shows up 5-6 mins after me (she hardly ever comes in early). I had gone to get some water so, when i come back she is standing near my desk and able to see my monitor.

 

So i got sucked into like a 45 min conversation ("o, you are reading the news, so you're not busy yet....") which only ended when her desk phone rang and someone else commented that she should probably pick it up.

 

@SierraMarie ---> hi. :Dshe wasnt really upset when she asked about me being different. She was just kinda concerned/curious. She mentioned it again today saying she hoped i had a nicer week this time as I was very different and busy last week. She asked if everything was okay, but I deflected it by pretending i hadnt heard and asked how her weekend was.

@stillafool ---> She responded that she was out having fun all day the first day. I tried to swing in the question of the boyfriend by asking her who she hung out with. She responded by saying "with friends".

 

By the end of the conversation, i was back into my flakey dreamstate. wtf man. So much for starting out the week with conversation avoidance.

@Chat Room Hero ---> I think it may be a bit better though, I dont think I was that severly smitten today. I also spent more than half my day out of the office for some work, so maybe that helped. Oh, and once again she did not bring get me the novel as she said she would last week (and I didnt bother to remind her).

 

I'll see how the rest of the week goes.

[stillafool]

It's good that this girl is a avid reader as she probably stays home a lot and doesn't have a bf. (Heavy social life doesn't leave much time for reading books.) Be friendly but if you are interested definitely start to show it then back off. If you don't you will end up in the "friend" zone. I am a woman and I'm telling you to make your move now or back off. If you make a move and she doesn't respond because you two work together you can be "friends" with her later.

[bluegreen12]

For the last 4 weeks or so, at least twice a week during our chats she'll tell me that she is going to get me this book (they vary) which I would love the next day. She expects me to read it and then we can talk about it. I always smile and say great in a sincere enthusiastic way. The first 3-4 times I actually went over and asked for it the next day, but she forgot to bring them. Shes never brought any of the books for me........wtf!

 

This made me laugh out loud!

 

I can't type now........ I'll make some more comments when I get myself together....

[bluegreen12]

I don't think you should listen to 'Chat Room Hero'. I'm sorry but just because she didn't take up his offer to take her home does not mean she is not interested.

 

Dell, just because she may act like that doesn't mean anything. If anything, she's acting like that BECAUSE she likes you. I've totally done that before too. Of course you're going to be uneasy and nervous around somebody you like. Aren't you?

 

Nothing that you've said really shows to me that she's not interested. Nothing at all. The girls who act like they are so comfortable around you are the ones who don't like you. Duh! I'm sorry, this is just so obvious to me. If a girl likes you, she'll most likely be a little uncomfortable around you and if she doesn't what would she have to be uncomfortable about? Think about it. I'm talking from personal experience. She obviously likes you a little bit since she talks to you all the time. If she was totally put off by you trust me she would avoid you at all costs. But just the fact that when you tried to ignore you and she got upset about it and asked you why tells me something...

 

I think you ask her out! It sounds so perfect!

 

But, what about the part above that made me laugh so hard?

[bluegreen12]

 

@Chat Room Hero ---> I think it may be a bit better though, I dont think I was that severly smitten today. I also spent more than half my day out of the office for some work, so maybe that helped. Oh, and once again she did not bring get me the novel as she said she would last week (and I didnt bother to remind her).

 

I'll see how the rest of the week goes.

 

 

Stop it!

[bluegreen12]

Have you ever consider flirting with another girl from work right in front of your interest?

 

If she is remotely interested in you, it will bring some emotion out of her. Maybe she will evetually bring one of those books to you.

[tryagaintoday]

more like she haven't bought the novel....

 

anyway good luck!

[dell00]

Ok, so after the long convo on previous monday, and a couple of 10 min discussions on tuesday. i didnt get to speak to her for the rest of the week. My boss had a trip to be prepped for, so myself and this other guy were in his office for almost all of wed to fri (+ sat, yuck). It felt good because I hardly had any opportunity to daydream or think about anything else.

 

Today she came over in the morning, but didnt really say start a conversation as she usually does (specially on mondays). She just said something like "busy busy boy", and she said it in passing. In the second or so it took me to turn 180 degrees from the monitor, she had moved on. She made no attempt to talk to me for the rest of the day (and the boss wasnt in, so my busy excuses would have been weak today).

 

Q Do you think that she has taken the hint? Or do I need to wait a couple more days before judging this?

 

Q Also, I thought I would feel great about this, because its exactly what I wanted, but I dont feel as good as i hoped. I feel kind of numb:(, if that makes sense. Is that normal? I.e. will it pass in a couple of days?

[bluegreen12]

Ok, so after the long convo on previous monday, and a couple of 10 min discussions on tuesday. i didnt get to speak to her for the rest of the week. My boss had a trip to be prepped for, so myself and this other guy were in his office for almost all of wed to fri (+ sat, yuck). It felt good because I hardly had any opportunity to daydream or think about anything else.

 

Today she came over in the morning, but didnt really say start a conversation as she usually does (specially on mondays). She just said something like "busy busy boy", and she said it in passing. In the second or so it took me to turn 180 degrees from the monitor, she had moved on. She made no attempt to talk to me for the rest of the day (and the boss wasnt in, so my busy excuses would have been weak today).

 

Q Do you think that she has taken the hint? Or do I need to wait a couple more days before judging this?

 

Q Also, I thought I would feel great about this, because its exactly what I wanted, but I dont feel as good as i hoped. I feel kind of numb:(, if that makes sense. Is that normal? I.e. will it pass in a couple of days?

 

What happened to the Novels?

[dell00]

My monday encounter with her was typical of the rest of the week. She doesnt come over to chat about things other than work anymore. Its happened all like that from mon - fri.

 

She does come by to get or discuss work and I will go over for the same, so its not like there is no contact. The stupid arms and distance thing is still there.

 

Her attitude is interesting. I would have thought that she would be a bit angry or that some emotion would show in other conversations, but nothing has for 5 straight days. She seems fine. We also still have lunch together, and the conversations are mainly about work or things in common with the other people on the table.

 

And yeah, this also means that I was correct in thinking that I was just a way for her to pass the time. She seems to be taking this much better than I am.

 

Its a heck of a lot easier to not think about her now. I would say that im not pining away so much anymore, but the feeling is far from over. I still get this longingy feeling when im around her or when I see her. When will it end....