Intense relationship... and left me miserable

[Fluffsticle]

Hi

 

Has anyone experienced an intense relationship? One that has involved doing everything with the other person?

 

In my case, I was with my b/f for 6.5 years. In that time we lived together for 5.5. We traveled for a year in a campervan together. We lived out of the country for a few years and at one point worked together, took lunch together, and walked to and from work together. None of this took any toll on us and we loved being together all the time.

 

However after returning home and back to reality, we were faced with not having any friends, not having any hobbies, not having any different interests, and the relationship started to go downhill. We started wanting other friends, interests and our independence back. We had lost who we were. What music did we like before we met eachother, favourite tv programms etc. Everything had turned into one.

 

As we were engaged, us thinking and feeling a miserable about our lives started us thinking that we shouldn't get married. I turned into a miserable person. My confidence had gone downhill fast, and I felt I wasn't able to stand on my own two feet. I started to get needy of him in everything I did. This made me so miserable.

Of course this lead to him falling out of love with me, and us breaking up. That's 1.5 years ago now.

 

I longed so much to be a confident person but I didn't know how to do it, to not care about what People thought of me, to smile and be happy knowing that I am a nice person.

 

My neediness and my lack of confidence and unhappiness, could this have been a knock on effect of such a consuming relationship in a country I felt I didn't fit in? Or was it him that made me into this miserable person?

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I never remember him saying or doing anything ever to make me feel bad about myself.

 

 

But something inside tells me that he is the one for me. When I was with him I never saw another Guy. I never thought of another Guy. And I believe he was the same towards me.

 

But what I can't figure out is did he turn me into a miserable person because of who he is, or was it how we conducted the relationship, or will this happen to me every time I get into a serious relationship?

The sad part is, that since I've had space, I am not that person anymore. I dunno how but I've grown into a very confident person. I am now a girl that walks down the street smiling for no reason swinging my handbad, not thinking about anything except feeling happy. I don't even notice other People around me. I have found my hobbies again and my interests. I have an idea what I wan't from life. I am living in an area where I feel I will settle for my life. I think I am that Girl if not better that my ex fell in love with all those years ago. I am just doing what I want to do and because it makes me happy.

 

However through the pain of the break up, he came back and told me he would do anything to have me back. Jealousy on both parts from us being with other People got the better of us and perhaps the risk was too great to take to go back into it, incase it didn't work out.

 

I pushed him away. He has no way of contacting me now. I asked him to leave me to get on with my life.

 

Although he broke up with me. The story usually goes if they break up with you and come back to you then you know that they are for you. But I have blocked all contact except for my Parents house. He know where that is. I'm not sure if I should get in touch with him? Maybe I haven't yet come far enough on my own.

 

Sometimes I can't bear the thought of not ever waking up beside him one morning, or maybe never seeing him again if something bad were to happen, or knowing that I'll never hear him say my name the way he used to say it!

 

Has anyone experienced anything similar? I'd love to hear about it....

So was it him, or was it me, or the relationship?

Should I just leave it be? Maybe I deserve better than someone doubting they loved me, but on the other hand I can understand why.

Maybe I loved him too much.

 

Similar experiences or oponions would be great.

 

Thanks for your time.

[JaggedRoad]

I don't think it was really anyone's fault per se... You pretty much hit the nail on the head with what you said:

 

However after returning home and back to reality, we were faced with not having any friends, not having any hobbies, not having any different interests, and the relationship started to go downhill. We started wanting other friends, interests and our independence back. We had lost who we were. What music did we like before we met eachother, favourite tv programms etc. Everything had turned into one.

 

You both lost your individuality because you two were so close. I've been told that a healthy relationship should not involve the two people merging into one. It's not your fault nor was it his. It sucks that something that is seemingly wonderful is actually poisonous. Maybe you guys can be together again once you feel like you've done all you could alone. Best of luck to you.

 

And thank you for posting this. I think it's helping me move on by understanding things a little bit more about my own failed relationship.

[Fluffsticle]

You're welcome Jaggedroad.

 

Thank YOU for confirming what I was thinking.

You know yourself getting over a break up you have to convince yourself that the other person was some sort of horrible person that was wrong wrong wrong for you, but when the fog lifts it all becomes clear again.

 

Good luck to you too.

[Magnolia5]

Fluffsticle, yes I completely understand and I am glad you posted this.

 

My boyfriend and I were together 4 years and just broke up. In the first year of the relationship, we stopped hanging out with our friends and everything was just about "us". We slowly began to have no hobbies, no interests, and no friends. It became miserable to be together, honestly. The only thing we would do for fun was go to dinner and a movie (if we could agree on one to see) during the weekends. We have spent most of the last few months constantly arguing.

 

I also lost my confidence. I noticed that when I was with my best friend or friends who would come into town (I'm in college and attend the local university), I forgot how to joke around and be fun. He also wouldn't be okay with me hanging out with them at night- I had to have lunch with them. He wouldn't come out right and say it, but he would basically give me the silent treatment and act distant for a day or so. I never would have even thought about cheating and he knew this, so that wasn't an issue with him.

 

Anyway, the only thing keeping me sane right now from this breakup is the fact that I am looking forward to doing things for ME and doing exactly what I want to do. Sounds selfish, but I haven't had the opportunity to really do this in the past 4 years. Of course I deeply miss him and this isn't going to be easy.

 

Having been in a similar situation, I think your lack of confidence largely came from your consuming relationship. It was the fact that you were so dependent on somebody ("How will I ever survive if he leaves? I can't be alone"). You might have felt you were nobody without your "better half". It is SO good to know that you have become confident and turned into a person who loves herself again, and thanks so much for sharing your story.

[Fluffsticle]

Magnolia5 that's great.

It won't be easy to stay motivated to do what you want to for yourself.

 

But it helps when in a way some good can come out of the break up.

Get out there and do the things that you've always wanted to do. Things that will be good for you and be fun too!

 

You are right, I used to call myself Fluffsticle and in my mind think So and so's fiance. Now I am just Fluffsticle, and I owe it to nobody! It's a great feeling.

 

I was beginning to think I would never become a confident Person.That I would never be able to go out and do what I want, that I would never be able to speak up in front of a group of People even when I knew I was right. That I would never be able to make decisions for myself. Now I make the decisions and if they're not the right ones I fix them, or I deal with the consequences, and it's never that bad. But at least I've made the decision, if that makes sense!

 

I'm glad that it looks that it was not his fault I ended up like this, more the relationship. This was our biggest fear through all of this.

 

I am sorry that you had to go through all of this with your ex. But I know someday you will see it was for the best. No one can go on living miserable. Life is too short!

 

Good luck

[JaggedRoad]

I'm more concerned about my ex blaming me for what happened. I'm tempted to contact her now, but I'll leave the learning up to her if she's to enjoy her freedom.

[Fluffsticle]

Hi,

 

Am bumping this message..

 

I'm lost and son't know how to get over this.

So since I last posted, my ex and I have met a few times and things are really great. We still get on so well, we are a great team, and I feel complete when he's there beside me. Very happy.

 

Although because we have been broken up 2 years, we have both had other relationships. this is bareable, as we have both done it and can understand that it doesn't mean we feel any differently towards eachother.

 

However, I have learned that 3/4 weeks after we initially broke up he met another Girl and brought her home to our old house and slept with her in our old bed. This happened maybe three times. How could he, after 7 years. Take another Girls clothes off and do that, while I was able to do nothing only cry.

 

Then he rented out some rooms in the house and hooked up with one of the housemates. A drunken kiss that continued I am told. So he lived with his new Girlfriend in our old house, replaced all our old memories, and even traveled with her and had Christmas in Australia where we had 2 years previously gotten engaged at Christmas.

 

What I'm struggling with is, what kind of Person acts like this? He protests that he is kind and caring and would do anything for me, but he didn't move out of our old house when I asked him to. The last thing I ever wanted was him being with another girl in our old bed.

 

I just don't know if I respect him, or if I genuinely believe that he is a good Person.

 

I broke up with my boyfriend 6 months ago, and it was at least 4 months before I kissed another Guy. Not because I had any feelings for my ex but because I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I already had.

 

I am so confused. I am so hurt. I don't know what I have to do to get over this. I don't know what he has to do. I am very strong, but I don't know if I have the strength to get through this. To forget this and move on with him. I am so so angry.

 

He says that he will do anything to make things right, he says time will heal and I will see how genuine he is about me.

 

But I don't know if someone like him deserves someone like me...

I really don't, and I don't know what to do...

 

Any advice? from anyone who has gone through anything similar or difficult?

[Fluffsticle]

 

Is everyone thinking I am better off to steer clear?

 

So confused about being so angry, and don't know if it's normal

[106rob]

hi fluff

 

i havnt been in this situation myself but i have tried to put myself in your situation and think what i would do,so here goes!

 

1,make a promise is he still living in the said house or not?

 

if he is then for a clean break that needs to go,it holds to many memories from the past and you could end up asif it were 2 years ago all over again

and also you will have all sorts going through your mind thats being going on there

 

2,it has been a long time and you have BOTH done things with other people? granted he moved on a lot quicker than you but you must have also slept with a couple of people in 2 years?

 

3,have a long hard think (i know you problalby already have/are) and if you do still love him and are "in love" again and think this is the man for you then it wouldnt matter how many people he has kissed slept with or had relationships with,it means that he has realised that its YOU who he wants and you have realised its HIM who YOU want aswell and its the same on his part aswell! he has to accept that you have done things with other people etc aswell

 

i would say meet up and discuss everything together and see what happens? if you both still feel you want each other after 2 years apart and difrent relationships etc aswell it has to say somthing!

 

i hope this comes across the right way im not the best at putting my mind into words :S lol

 

Edited August 3, 2010 by 106rob

[starryeyed12]

So he lived with his new Girlfriend in our old house, replaced all our old memories, and even traveled with her and had Christmas in Australia where we had 2 years previously gotten engaged at Christmas.

 

 

It sounds to me like he was not really over you, but was simply trying to replace you with someone else to avoid the pain of your break up. As unfortunate and overall unhealthy this is, I believe it is quite common. I think the new relationship was like a rebound on steroids (meaning he took it to some ridiculous heights in relation to how soon he had been broken up from you), but it was a rebound nonetheless. This point is further proved by the fact that he has come back to you 2 years later. It is also important to note that you both had a great deal of crucial growing and maturing to do during your time apart.

 

If you want things to work with this man you are going to have to come to terms with the past and learn to keep it there. You need to get a new place, new things and start fresh. You need to talk to him and try to communicate effectively your new boundaries (with concern to the co-dependance you once shared), expectations, and goals of your new relationship. If he is willing to do this then I think it is a good sign that he is serious about committing to you once again. I can understand the hesitation though, because you will be putting yourself in a very vulnerable place in order to let him in again.

 

If you find that you can not forgive and forget the past then I advise you to keep looking. True forgiveness is an extremely hard thing and many people struggle with it. Thats one reason why many second chances do not work out in the end. I am quite confident that you will be able to love another as much or more than this man if that is the choice you make. But if you believe this man is for you then you will find forgiveness.

Edited August 3, 2010 by starryeyed12

[Fluffsticle]

Hi

 

Yes he was traveling and so had moved away from this house. He cut his travels short to come back and get me back. He says I am the only one for me. He says he will do absolutely anything, and will wait however long it takes.

 

I do believe he is genuine and serious about us.

He realises that we had everything when we were together, and he said he would do anything to have us back.

 

We have met up a couple of times, and things have gone really well. Smiling all the time. I love him. We have kissed and sparks are flying. We have so much fun together. But the more we've met, the braver conversations have become, and I've learned stuff I didn't know happened. Like the Girl 4 weeks after our break up.

 

I had one boyfriend all the time we were apart, and only slept with him. So perhaps althought it sounds silly I feel because he has slept with 2 PPL then it's not even.

 

I feel that because he met a Girl and slept with her a few times so soon after we broke up, that maybe he never ever loved me really.

I can't understand how he could bare to take another Girls clothes off so soon after us being together 7 years. That he could do this and not wonder how it would have hurt me if I found out. How he didn't seem to care at all.

 

I also feel I have no respect for him, for sleeping with a Girl he definately didn't love, and just for the sake of it or for whatever reason.

 

I've never had a one night stand, and am really proud of it. Maybe if I did, I would understand it better!

 

Part of me thinks that because he never once stopped to think about how anything he did would affect me, that he never cared for me. That I would be letting myself down to get back with such a cold selfish Person. And I know I could have someone that would never do that to me.

 

I'm not sure if this is a normal way to be thinking of him? Is it part of the hurt, the anger? Do I need to go through the motions, and let it out? Or is this way of thinking bad?

 

But then I remember the Person I used to know and how dearly I thought he loved me in every way. The love of my life. And how I loved him so much I wanted to be with him always. The Guy who I want to be the Father of my Kids.... But when I think of the fact of what he did 4 weeks after us ending, it doesn't seem like he's now the same Person. This Person that loved me so dearly and so much, would never have slept with a Girl so soon. It doesn't add up in my head.

 

I don't know if I have the strength to forgive. But I want to forgive. I don't know how to do it.

We are going to try councelling, and see if I can learn to look at it a different way.

 

I am very stubborn, and I am worried that he will never be able to do enough to prove himself.

 

When I broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year 2 months, I didn't go on a Date with a guy for at least 4 months. I had no feelings for him in the end, but I didn't want to cause him anymore hurt. And I wasn't in a rush to get my life overwith. This is how I don't understand him.

I respected my last ex. I gave him the time and respect that he deserved. He had done nothing wrong.

 

Am I seriously deluded?

[starryeyed12]

I do believe he is genuine and serious about us.

He realises that we had everything when we were together, and he said he would do anything to have us back.

(...)

I also feel I have no respect for him, for sleeping with a Girl he definately didn't love, and just for the sake of it or for whatever reason.

 

You have been able to highlight your internal struggle, but it is not fair for him or yourself to keep swinging from one to the other. You need to make a decision soon.

 

Part of me thinks that because he never once stopped to think about how anything he did would affect me, that he never cared for me. That I would be letting myself down to get back with such a cold selfish Person. And I know I could have someone that would never do that to me.

 

I do think this is pretty harsh judgement on him. As I stated previously, he hooked up with these women to avoid the pain of facing your break up. Cowardly? Yes, but it is a common coping method however unhealthy and hurtful.

 

I am very stubborn, and I am worried that he will never be able to do enough to prove himself.

 

This seems to be your answer. You know yourself and the fact that this is what you are telling yourself this is very important. You need to trust this instinct. It will save you from being burned.

 

I don't think real forgivness with this man is going to be in the cards. Just a gut feeling, but as I said its up to you if you want to try it.

 

Good luck.

[EthanH]

sheesh, i just read your whole post...it is quite intense!... I'm not saying that in a negative way...

 

ok, um, to me, all that happened was that you became too involved with each other... no matter how much you love someone, they should never ever ever be all your life amounts to. Humans are social beings, it is unnatural to not have friends. And no wonder you both became needy if the other was basically all you had in life. So for that part, it is kinda understandable what happened. But i'm sure you know all that, it was just my observation, not meant to be patronising.

 

As for how things have gone since... part of me wants to say that things should be easier than this, but I know that it's pointless to think like that as you are where you are etc etc and you can't change the past or your feelings for each other. But I think there is a time when 'the struggle' ie since you have broken up and everything that has happened since, becomes more than what you have together, and when that happens, you have to walk away. To me it sounds like the relationship has become all consuming, and it shouldn't be that way... the girl who walks down the street swinging her handbag is that way I think because she is doing the normal thing, the thing which most people do, enjoying life and not having this massive cloud of the ex over her head. The worst part is, you choose to have the cloud there.

 

I'm not sure from your post, but do you communicate well with him? Because a lot of the time you say you wonder what he thinks, but the way you write, i cannot believe you aren't quite a talker who is open about her emotions etc. It is difficult as I consider myself to be the best communicator I know, people always come to me for advice, people always say how good i am about talking about my emotions, probably too good. And yet with my ex, so so so much has been said, that i'm so confused, that if i saw her now, i wouldn't really know what to say. I get the impression you are the same?

 

As for the thing about how many girls he has been with in comparison to how many guys you have dated...does that really matter? In the big scheme of things it doesn't matter at all! If I was you, I would stop over-thinking things, stop getting hung up on the minor issues and concentrate on the important things, the big questions such as do you want to be with him? and could you make it work?

[Fluffsticle]

Hi

 

Yes we were very involved. We consumed eachother and craved eachother constantly.

We have learned our lesson dearly, and now it seems that what broke the relationship has now been fixed.

 

Him and I communicate really really well. We are very good at that.

I have only learned that he slept with this first girl 3 days ago, and I am still in shock. I am very hurt only learning this now, and struggling to justify how he could have been so cold towards me.

 

We talked last night and he explained how angry and sad he was after we broke up. He couldn't have me. We were over. I never tried to fix the relationship. He tried and tried, and in the end he was the only one trying. I was so bogged down with everything. He resented me for us having to break up, when 2 years previous he was the happiest Man in the world asking me to marry him.

 

He hated how his life had turned around, and how I was gone. He couldn't deal with it. He boxed away everything that ever reminded him of me, and he blocked me out of his mind.

 

He said maybe a part of him did this in a spiteful way at me. He said he believed the more he put me out of his mind the better he would be. He said that he didn't think about anyone or even think about himself.

 

I can understand better now.

 

When he broke the news 3 days ago. I froze. I didn't ask him anything, I was afraid to ask anything that I might not like the answer to. I was afraid that I might say something I'd regret. I told him I needed space to think and I couldn't see him again.

This is where the confusion and lack of understanding is coming from. Now that I know, I can put myself in his shoes, and I'm sure maybe I might have gone out and done that too..

 

I have to realise too that he risked everything by telling me. No one knows, he didn't need to tell me. He knew how it would have hurt me to tell me, and he did. He is 100% honest and always has been with me.

 

Main point being, I want him, and he wants me. We are perfect for eachother. At least it fels that way when we're together anyway.

 

If he wanted those Girls he would have stayed with them, instead he's back telling me he will do ANYTHING to make it work. I am the only Girl for him. He is telling me he wants to sit on a bench when we're 70 and look back and laugh at these days, and be thankful that we got through it as a team.

 

If he could have had me instead of those Girls, I'm sure he would have chosen me without hesitation.

 

I am happy that I am starting to see it from his side, and how it doesn't mean he's a bad person.

 

We are going to go to councelling, to get everything out in the open, to make sure that we deal with everything completely and to make sure it never comes between us again. This will help right, councelling?

 

Thanks again to everyone...

I am soooooooo stubborn and black and white about things, it's frustration! But I like it!

[EthanH]

hey, fluffsticle, any chance you could read the post I just wrote about my situation? I would like to hear your angle on things considering your experiences...

[starryeyed12]

Just checking up on your story...

 

I'm glad you have decided to find forgiveness. Certainly not the easy route, but as I mentioned and you know, if you love him you will find it.

 

I truely hope that things work out for you both. It gives me hope that things

will find a way of working themselves out.

[Fluffsticle]

Finding forgiveness isn't that easy though.

 

For some reason I'm not able to stop these things from entering my mind.

 

I love him so dearly, and he's the only Guy for me...

 

But I am so resentful of the fact that we have to deal with this to slot back into where we so naturally fitted in before.

 

I guess I feel a lack of trust in his feeling, this issue about him sleeping with a Girl soon after the breakup, coupled with the fact that while we were apart I tried to convince myself that he was not right for me, that he is a horrible person, all has to be undone now, because I never truly believed any of it about him. I assumed he had changed into a completely different Person, because he went off the rails and acted in ways I'd never seen him before.

 

I thing he will need to prove to me that he has always loved me, that he is that Person I knew before, and that I am the only Girl for him...

 

I'm not sure how he will prove these things or show me... But I think then in time these things in my head will disappear because all that will matter is that he wants me, and he has always loved me, and that he never intended to hurt me by anything...

 

THis will take time.....