alasia Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Hi, this is a bit of a long and complicated story but I'm shortening it for the purpose of this post Basically....me and ex have 2 children aged 1 and 2, he ended things in Feb after lots of arguments etc, and between then and now there's been lots of to-ing and fro-ing on his part; one minute he wanted me back, the next he didn't seem to, which was frustrating. He backed off from both me and the kids about 6 weeks ago; before that he used to see them a few times in the week plus on mondays all day, when he was off work. On a monday we'd all go out for a meal, to the park, and me and him would act like a couple (kissing, holding hands, laughing and joing, him staying over sometimes etc). Then 6 weeks ago, he just stopped turning up on a monday. He'd still see the kids for an hour before work, but every monday he'd say he would come over then not turn up. He was also less touchy-feely with me, and no longer asked to stay over. I assumed he'd got himself a girlfriend which he denied, then last Sunday after he said he would be over at 10am and didn't turn up all day, I spoke to a friend of his on the phone. His friend said he'd seen my ex earlier in the pub and had a drink with him. During tht time, my ex had been sending and recieving text messages which my ex apparently announced was from a "young girl" (younger than me, I'm 26) with a big chest. Nice... The day before that, my ex had been at mine seeing our children before work, and we got into a conversation about 'us'. He said he'd be wiling to give us another shot. I asked my ex about what his friend had said, and he vehemently denied (and is still denying) that he has been texting, or seeing, anyone. He also said he wouldn't go out with anyone younger than me... He saw the children yesterday and at one point he asked me to sit next to him on the sofa for a cuddle. He didn't try anything on, just cuddled me for ages...and we kissed. It fet passionate and as if he meant it, and he said he'd be over this morning to see 'us all' again. To my surprise he did turn up, on time, and spent 4 hours with us before work. Then he asked me to meet him on his break later on. Today though, I started an argument..I don't mean to, it's just if he's using me and the kids as a little family to keep in a cupboard and take out when he feels like it - then text other women the rest of the time, I don't want that. I kept saying I don't mind if he's with someone, as long as he admitted it himself. He kept saying stuff like "I assure you, there isn't anyone. I don't have another phone (something his friend had accused him of) and I'm not texting any women. He seemed convincing, but then he wasn't as touchy feely as he was yesterday. He tried to kiss me a bit and kept touching my knee, but that was it. Then again; I had been arguing with him by that point, for over an hour! He's in work early tomorrow and at one point said, jokingly, "I could always stay over here tonight" (I live 5 mins from his work), I said he couldn't and he didn't mention it again. I did broach the subject before he left, asking if he knew anyone nearby he could stay with tonight, and he said he'd stay here if he's too tired to go home...he didn't sound convincing though and I wouldn't let him use me as a stop-off point, anyway! My question is, how do I handle things? I do still love him, he says he has "very strong" feelings for me but that's as much as he'll say on the subject; well, that and that he'd "love us to give things another go but what if we argue again?". If he's texting another woman though, then I've got no chance, have I? How should I act around him; act all cuddly and coupley like he wants to do and not bring up 'us', and see where things go? I worry if I do that I'll just end up being used, and dropped if/when things with the other girl go somewhere. Or, should I give him an ultimatum? Like, either we get back together now or not at all...? At the moment all I do the minute he turns up to see the kids, is tell him that I know he doesn't really want me and I wish he'd tell me. He always replies that he does want to try again...but like I say, it never goes any further. Help please, sorry it's long
hopesndreams Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 He's been toying with you since February. Time to put the brakes on. It's causing you way too much anxiety and will ruin whatever self-esteem you have left. If he can't decide to be with you or not, then you make the decision for him, tell him you're done. Seems as though he isn't man enough to tell it like it is coz he is getting something from you. Staying over, spending time with the kids with you around, maybe a few meals thrown in, he gets all you have to give without himself giving any commitment to you. That's just wrong and no way for you to live. Time to start thinking of the future without him in it coz frankly, he doesn't see his future with you, but he's a needy so and so and until such time another comes into his life, which there most likely is now, he will continue to hedge and buy himself time. Your gut is already telling you what to do. Go with it.
CaliGuy Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 If you want to know if someone loves you and means what they say, their actions and their words will never be in conflict with each other. If he says he wants to get back and isn't making the effort, then he doesn't want to get back with you. Always believe what people DO and put little stock in what they say.
Author alasia Posted September 30, 2009 Author Posted September 30, 2009 Thanks Caliguy - I agree, but the only thing is, I love my ex (at least, I think I do) but am forever telling him I hate him, insulting him and calling him all sorts. Sometimes people can say one thing and mean another. I met my ex on his break like he asked, made a consicous efort not to have a go or bring up that other girl, and we got on really well. Had a nice walk and a chat and we saw 2 of his workmates on our walk, my ex told them that he was going to spend the day with me and the children on sunday his day off work) and said "I'm telling you guys as witnesses". Yes it may all be bull and probably is, but at least someone else witnessed it so if he has lied, they will know about it. I'll see what happens on sunday; if it;'s another no-show then that's it.
bluestraps Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Tell him two benefits for staying toghter . No child support and tax advantages for him and he'll be happier.
westrock Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 A couple of things stood out to me from your posts: he says he has "very strong" feelings for me but that's as much as he'll say on the subject; well, that and that he'd "love us to give things another go but what if we argue again?". He's telling you right here what the issue is. He doesn't like the arguing. He saw the children yesterday and at one point he asked me to sit next to him on the sofa for a cuddle. He didn't try anything on, just cuddled me for ages...and we kissed. It fet passionate and as if he meant it, and he said he'd be over this morning to see 'us all' again. To my surprise he did turn up, on time, and spent 4 hours with us before work. Then he asked me to meet him on his break later on. Sounds like his actions show he is interested. But, it seems you want more, which is fine, but you have to communicate your needs to him. Today though, I started an argument..I don't mean to, it's just if he's using me and the kids as a little family to keep in a cupboard and take out when he feels like it - then text other women the rest of the time, I don't want that. I kept saying I don't mind if he's with someone, as long as he admitted it himself. Try a different approach than arguing. I think you DO mind if he's with someone. I love my ex (at least, I think I do) but am forever telling him I hate him, insulting him and calling him all sorts. Sometimes people can say one thing and mean another. Why are you forever telling him you hate him, insulting him and calling him all sorts? That doesn't help you at all. He said he'd be wiling to give us another shot. When he says things like this, ask him what he means, and more importantly use opportunties like that to specifically express your needs/wants, "I am also willing to give us another shot. This is what I am looking for: I expect you to spend more time with me and the children, no texting other women, take me out and romance me..... " and whatever else you want.
hoping2heal Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Hi, this is a bit of a long and complicated story but I'm shortening it for the purpose of this post Basically....me and ex have 2 children aged 1 and 2, he ended things in Feb after lots of arguments etc, and between then and now there's been lots of to-ing and fro-ing on his part; one minute he wanted me back, the next he didn't seem to, which was frustrating. He backed off from both me and the kids about 6 weeks ago; before that he used to see them a few times in the week plus on mondays all day, when he was off work. On a monday we'd all go out for a meal, to the park, and me and him would act like a couple (kissing, holding hands, laughing and joing, him staying over sometimes etc). Then 6 weeks ago, he just stopped turning up on a monday. He'd still see the kids for an hour before work, but every monday he'd say he would come over then not turn up. He was also less touchy-feely with me, and no longer asked to stay over. I assumed he'd got himself a girlfriend which he denied, then last Sunday after he said he would be over at 10am and didn't turn up all day, I spoke to a friend of his on the phone. His friend said he'd seen my ex earlier in the pub and had a drink with him. During tht time, my ex had been sending and recieving text messages which my ex apparently announced was from a "young girl" (younger than me, I'm 26) with a big chest. Nice... The day before that, my ex had been at mine seeing our children before work, and we got into a conversation about 'us'. He said he'd be wiling to give us another shot. I asked my ex about what his friend had said, and he vehemently denied (and is still denying) that he has been texting, or seeing, anyone. He also said he wouldn't go out with anyone younger than me... He saw the children yesterday and at one point he asked me to sit next to him on the sofa for a cuddle. He didn't try anything on, just cuddled me for ages...and we kissed. It fet passionate and as if he meant it, and he said he'd be over this morning to see 'us all' again. To my surprise he did turn up, on time, and spent 4 hours with us before work. Then he asked me to meet him on his break later on. Today though, I started an argument..I don't mean to, it's just if he's using me and the kids as a little family to keep in a cupboard and take out when he feels like it - then text other women the rest of the time, I don't want that. I kept saying I don't mind if he's with someone, as long as he admitted it himself. He kept saying stuff like "I assure you, there isn't anyone. I don't have another phone (something his friend had accused him of) and I'm not texting any women. He seemed convincing, but then he wasn't as touchy feely as he was yesterday. He tried to kiss me a bit and kept touching my knee, but that was it. Then again; I had been arguing with him by that point, for over an hour! He's in work early tomorrow and at one point said, jokingly, "I could always stay over here tonight" (I live 5 mins from his work), I said he couldn't and he didn't mention it again. I did broach the subject before he left, asking if he knew anyone nearby he could stay with tonight, and he said he'd stay here if he's too tired to go home...he didn't sound convincing though and I wouldn't let him use me as a stop-off point, anyway! My question is, how do I handle things? I do still love him, he says he has "very strong" feelings for me but that's as much as he'll say on the subject; well, that and that he'd "love us to give things another go but what if we argue again?". If he's texting another woman though, then I've got no chance, have I? How should I act around him; act all cuddly and coupley like he wants to do and not bring up 'us', and see where things go? I worry if I do that I'll just end up being used, and dropped if/when things with the other girl go somewhere. Or, should I give him an ultimatum? Like, either we get back together now or not at all...? At the moment all I do the minute he turns up to see the kids, is tell him that I know he doesn't really want me and I wish he'd tell me. He always replies that he does want to try again...but like I say, it never goes any further. Help please, sorry it's long First of all, I'm gonna be firm with you, because there are children involved. It's one thing when two people want to be irresponsible in their relationship, but when a mother and a father want to be irresponsible, to children who are going to learn from their behavior, it's a different ballgame entirely. You have let this man treat you like crap and with no respect. You have been accomodating and hospitable to the effect of "Hey, it's fine if you have a girlfriend, hey we can play house on Monday's and be affectionate and have sex and then the rest of the week it's fine for you to run out on me." It's an appauling example you are setting for your daughter(s) if you have any and it's an equally appauling one you are setting for your son(s) if you have any. Do not delude yourself because they are 1 and 2 it does not matter, this is a learned behavior for you and it will continue well into their age of awareness if it is not corrected. You do NOT allow a man to disrespect you, take more than he will give, and flake out and be unreliable with non pause. You do NOT sit there and accept and tolerate that behavior, not when you have children who are going to learn from those examples someday and who will also be hurt and reap damaging effects from the mixed messages and flakiness of their father not being reliable to THEM. Now, where did YOU learn that this behavior was okay? Where did you learn, that you need to give up your sirloin steak and accept bread crust for it in return? Where did you learn to give a man your goods without him having to respect you, treat you well, or comitt to you?
Author alasia Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 I see your point It's just hard because when he does that stuff and I pick him up on it, say it's not acceptable etc; he calls that arguing, or nagging. He'll then use that as a reason not to see the children the next time he's meant to and I feel bad, like it's my fault. Today though, he's let us down again. He was meant to come over yesterday and take the kids for the day; he didn't. I spoke to him this morning and he asked me to meet him after work at 2.30pm. He's a bus driver and asked me to wait outside his work, as he'd be catching the shuttle bus up there from town. I told him I'd ring him as I didn't want to wait at his work like a stalker...so he told me to ring at 2.20. I got the kids ready, went to the payphone as my mobile phone is broken, rang him..and his phone was turned off. Then the shuttle went past me without him on it...it felt like he was just deliberately trying to humiliate me. Ok, we'd had a slight row this morning but as I see it that's no reason to not show up today, is it? Or am i wrong. So what should I do now? Phone him in the morning and ask him when he wants to see the children - let him choose, and bite my tongue so we don't get into any arguments this week - then see if he can step up to the mark? Or do I call it quits now?
hoping2heal Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I see your point It's just hard because when he does that stuff and I pick him up on it, say it's not acceptable etc; he calls that arguing, or nagging. He'll then use that as a reason not to see the children the next time he's meant to and I feel bad, like it's my fault. Problem one, you have let this man CONTROL you. He is using your own children against you to control and manipulate you. It is cowardly behavior, it is disgusting. It's not your fault if he does not see his children, it is HIS fault if he does not see his children. You tell him things are unacceptable and then he tries to threaten you with his and your own children? What a dog, through and through what an absolute dog of a man, I mean BOW WOW. You do NOT want your son growing up with him for a role model, I hope when you re renter into a new relationship you will have done some intensive work on yourself, and you will be looking for a man that is good to you and your children, and will leave a good example for them to look too. STOP letting him control you. Put your foot down and if he doesn't like it? Let him pout, it's not your fault if he doesn't see the children. Today though, he's let us down again. He was meant to come over yesterday and take the kids for the day; he didn't. I spoke to him this morning and he asked me to meet him after work at 2.30pm. He's a bus driver and asked me to wait outside his work, as he'd be catching the shuttle bus up there from town. I told him I'd ring him as I didn't want to wait at his work like a stalker...so he told me to ring at 2.20. I got the kids ready, went to the payphone as my mobile phone is broken, rang him..and his phone was turned off. Then the shuttle went past me without him on it...it felt like he was just deliberately trying to humiliate me. Does this surprise you? We are talking about a man who uses his own children to control you. That is LOW. Ok, we'd had a slight row this morning but as I see it that's no reason to not show up today, is it? Or am i wrong. Aboslutely no reason. He is a father of children, and regardless of what happens with the two of you, is NO reason to abandon his children. This man has bad news written all over him, up and down. So what should I do now? Phone him in the morning and ask him when he wants to see the children - let him choose, and bite my tongue so we don't get into any arguments this week - then see if he can step up to the mark? Or do I call it quits now? Not sure what you mean by call it quits. If he wants to see his children, there's nothing you can do to stop him unless he's putting them in danger, now I personally think that men who act like poor excuses of human beings, are putting their children in danger by exposing them to negative environments that could instill unhealthy atitudes and values; but it's ultimately your choice as a mother to decide where you draw the line. If you want to start being wise and setting a good example for your children, you will stop all romantic persuits with this abusive jerk. What kind of relationship do your own parents have?
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