Author hopeful1980 Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 That's very good news! Well, it shows he is making an effort, then... He actually quit cigarrettes first, and then drinking wasn't as much fun I guess. When he got his act together and found a job, he stopped being depressed and that's where most of the excessive drinking came from in the first place. He and my father (who is a recovering alcoholic) have been best friends now a days. So yes, he is making an effort. But obviously we have more to work on.
giotto Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 yes, I have a friend who's been through all that and drinking is a bit of a beast... he used to smoked as well and he managed to give that up but he struggled with drink... of course you have a lot more to work on but, believe me, his mind, without the drugs, will be a lot more responsive... so, it's a good starting point... keep going!
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 :love: This big leap in his self improvement and his rebuilding of himself and treating you better shows you through his actions how much he loves you. Look at his actions, he quit smoking, drinking, got a new job, stop being depressed, is communicating with you openly and thoroughly. I mean damn. just sit back and enjoy the ride! lol.
NowhereToHide Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Yeah but saying my husband needs to go back to kindergarten doesn't help me. I came here for advice, not to bash the man that I love. You're pretty sensitive on here, Hopeful, when you frequently post on the OW/OM board with quite a bit of insensitivity. It doesn't feel good, does it? Listen, marriages take work, obviously. But the last thing you should be doing is losing who you are in order to keep the peace. I would highly suggest that you try marriage counseling. I have found that men tend to "hear" what's needed when it's coming from an objective source. I'm sure your husband want's what's best for the marriage, too. And, IC has helped me understand a lot more about myself which has in turned helped my marriage.
Author hopeful1980 Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 You're pretty sensitive on here, Hopeful, when you frequently post on the OW/OM board with quite a bit of insensitivity. It doesn't feel good, does it? Listen, marriages take work, obviously. But the last thing you should be doing is losing who you are in order to keep the peace. I would highly suggest that you try marriage counseling. I have found that men tend to "hear" what's needed when it's coming from an objective source. I'm sure your husband want's what's best for the marriage, too. And, IC has helped me understand a lot more about myself which has in turned helped my marriage. There was no other information besides my husband needs to go back to elementary school. That's quite different than saying that AND explaining to me what I can do. I already know he's immature. No one knows that more than me. LOL! I didn't tell that woman she was selfish, I told her what she was doing was selfish. I also told her I didn't think she was a bad person. IMO, it's apples and oranges. If I had just come into the post and said, "You are selfish. OMG!" then I would certainly see your point. My delivery was insensitive and I have admitted that, but I still think the point I was making was valid.
pkn06002 Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 There was no other information besides my husband needs to go back to elementary school. That's quite different than saying that AND explaining to me what I can do. I already know he's immature. No one knows that more than me. LOL! I didn't tell that woman she was selfish, I told her what she was doing was selfish. I also told her I didn't think she was a bad person. IMO, it's apples and oranges. If I had just come into the post and said, "You are selfish. OMG!" then I would certainly see your point. My delivery was insensitive and I have admitted that, but I still think the point I was making was valid. Here is the thing you need to learn, delivery is everything. You can have the best point in the world but if you deliver it in a manor the other person sees as offensive your point is lost.
Author hopeful1980 Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 Here is the thing you need to learn, delivery is everything. You can have the best point in the world but if you deliver it in a manor the other person sees as offensive your point is lost. Everyone makes mistakes and I understand and admitted my delivery was poor. It wasn't really even directed at the poster, but illustrated my frustration with the whole idea of what she was saying. I realize that I should have waited until I calmed down to post or simply kept my opinion to myself. The funny thing about the above quote is that I have a degree in interpersonal communications. I just wasn't practicing it that day. In the future, I will be better.
wife Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Stats: Married almost 5 years 3 kids (ages 5, 3, and 2) wife, 28 husband, 29 We weren't getting along so I (wife) decided to read all the relationship books and stuff looking for ways to make it better. Of course I also talked to my husband, but we weren't seeing eye to eye. Anyway, I put to practice what the books were saying and our relationship got better. My husband is the happiest he's been in a long time and that makes me happy. BUT, I feel like I'm not being myself. I feel like I'm basically just submitting to what he wants and hoping he'll give me that in return. I'm doing my best, but I feel like I'm losing myself in the process. I want a happy marriage, but I don't know how to acheive that without completely giving up who I am and what makes me me. Any suggestions? I'd really like some advice. The DNA of Relationships... good book. Some advice that worked for us; Marriage is 100/100 not 50/50 Never stop being yourself. Be your husband's friend, and make sure he is yours. Communication is golden. So is laughter. And, of corse there's sex... make time for it, let him know you want him. Also, share your heart. Don't hand it over to him and rely on him for our own happiness. He can easily and carelessly drop it, even if it's not intentional. Theese have helped me be happy and cope with minor setbacks
angie2443 Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Stats: Married almost 5 years 3 kids (ages 5, 3, and 2) wife, 28 husband, 29 . My husband is the happiest he's been in a long time and that makes me happy. BUT, I feel like I'm not being myself. I feel like I'm basically just submitting to what he wants and hoping he'll give me that in return. I'm doing my best, but I feel like I'm losing myself in the process. . I've only had time to skim through the rest of the posts but at least wanted to respond to this. You sound like me many years ago. If you keep giving yourself up to make your husband happy, you'll end up resentful, angry, or depressed. It takes two to make a relationship work. It takes two to make a healthy comprimise. Your husband is happy now because he doesn't have to do any of the relationship work. He gets to keep all of himself. That's great for him, not great for the marriage. Somewhere along the line, he's going to have to step up his game and your going to have to step down a bit. If I remember, you said he gave up drinking and smoking. Maybe he is growing up a bit. Maybe he will start doing more of the work in the relationship. I hope so. Good luck.
Author hopeful1980 Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 I really appreciate all the advice. I think he is trying. I just don't want to get so caught up in meeting his needs that I lose myself. It was more that I didn't know how to be a good wife and still say the things that needed to be said. I'm still unsure about it, but I'm learning.
giotto Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 There was no other information besides my husband needs to go back to elementary school. That's quite different than saying that AND explaining to me what I can do. it wasn't even elementary school, it was kindergarten! I apologise for my previous flippant comment - not very helpful - but sometimes I can't help it...
Author hopeful1980 Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 it wasn't even elementary school, it was kindergarten! I apologise for my previous flippant comment - not very helpful - but sometimes I can't help it... I understand.
Reynaldo Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I've only had time to skim through the rest of the posts but at least wanted to respond to this. You sound like me many years ago. If you keep giving yourself up to make your husband happy, you'll end up resentful, angry, or depressed. It takes two to make a relationship work. It takes two to make a healthy comprimise. Your husband is happy now because he doesn't have to do any of the relationship work. He gets to keep all of himself. That's great for him, not great for the marriage. Somewhere along the line, he's going to have to step up his game and your going to have to step down a bit. A large and very important factor in any happy marriage recipe is forgiveness. We all know that eventually we will do something that will hurt or disappoint our partner. We ask for forgiveness, and for a truly happy marriage, forgiveness is given. That is not to say that it will be given immediately, depending on the circumstances.
Fallen Angel Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I admit I haven't read the whole thread, but my opinion is you should just hand him ALL the bills, and tell him that you don't want the responsibility for them anymore. Tell him that keeping the lights and gas on is now HIS job, and let it go. He will soon realize that a playstation is no good if there is no electricity to run it, and will hopefully step up to the plate and learn some responsibility!
giotto Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 He will soon realize that a playstation is no good if there is no electricity to run it, and will hopefully step up to the plate and learn some responsibility! You'll be surprised! He is a man! He will take it to a mate's and he'll play there, with his mate!
Author hopeful1980 Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 It's getting better. After all the fallout over the PS3, he realized how stupid it was. He was really remorseful about it for about a week. He told me that nothing like that would ever happen again and I believe him. I did sort of hand over all the bills to him after it happened. I just wrote down all of our bills and told him to take care of it. If he can find $300 for a video game, I'm sure he can keep the lights on too. He agreed. So far we still have power! LOL!
Lucky_One Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Time to toss The Surrendered Wife. This teaches submissive communication - not open discussion like you apparently need. Pick up His Needs, Her Needs. There is a lot of good info on the website Marriage Builders, too, about this, but having the book is invaluable.
Author hopeful1980 Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 Time to toss The Surrendered Wife. This teaches submissive communication - not open discussion like you apparently need. Pick up His Needs, Her Needs. There is a lot of good info on the website Marriage Builders, too, about this, but having the book is invaluable. I've read them both along with Men are from Mars/Venus, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, The Sex Starved Marriage, I could go on and on. The Surrendered wife does talk about open discussion. It's not about being a doormat, because I certainly am not. I put everything in context.
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