hopeful1980 Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Stats: Married almost 5 years 3 kids (ages 5, 3, and 2) wife, 28 husband, 29 We weren't getting along so I (wife) decided to read all the relationship books and stuff looking for ways to make it better. Of course I also talked to my husband, but we weren't seeing eye to eye. Anyway, I put to practice what the books were saying and our relationship got better. My husband is the happiest he's been in a long time and that makes me happy. BUT, I feel like I'm not being myself. I feel like I'm basically just submitting to what he wants and hoping he'll give me that in return. I'm doing my best, but I feel like I'm losing myself in the process. I want a happy marriage, but I don't know how to acheive that without completely giving up who I am and what makes me me. Any suggestions? I'd really like some advice.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 then compromise, marriages need to have compromise, thats why they grow... and the best thing is at least your learning that you need to approach him and not resenting him for it.
Author hopeful1980 Posted September 30, 2009 Author Posted September 30, 2009 then compromise, marriages need to have compromise, thats why they grow... and the best thing is at least your learning that you need to approach him and not resenting him for it. No I don't resent him. I understand that men are different than women and I can't expect my husband to respond to things the way I would and vice versa. However, sometimes there is no compromise. For instance, I have been being the "dutiful" wife with all the "yes dears" and "okay honeys" you can imagine. I haven't argued with him over what he thought was best. I am learning to just trust him. But now I feel like he's taking advantage of it. Last week he bought a playstation 3 when he got his first paycheck from his new job. Up until this point I've been paying all the bills and barely keeping us afloat. He "asked" me if he could buy it, but he did it in a very passive aggressive way where I didn't even know what he was talking about when I said yes. Then he comes home with this $300 machine when there are other bills that need to be paid right away. It was totally irresponsible, but I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. Every way I would have approached the situation in the past was wrong and caused a major blow up. I want to avoid that now and still let him know that I am displeased. How do I do that?
quankanne Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 as crappy as it sounds, sometimes you have to fake it 'til you make it ... in other words, you will find yourself doing things you're not 100 percent sure about, but as you keep doing those things, your attitude begins to change and you realize that it's something you believe in ... you've done the hardest part, adopting changes in your marriage, now do the other part: Talk to your husband about how you feel these changes have affected you. If you let him know that you feel unsure about whether you're getting anything back for yourself, he might very well realize that he's got a role in keeping the marriage happy, too. Otherwise, he'll just go on believing all is well simply because you're not "squawking" about anything, you know?
Author hopeful1980 Posted September 30, 2009 Author Posted September 30, 2009 as crappy as it sounds, sometimes you have to fake it 'til you make it ... in other words, you will find yourself doing things you're not 100 percent sure about, but as you keep doing those things, your attitude begins to change and you realize that it's something you believe in ... you've done the hardest part, adopting changes in your marriage, now do the other part: Talk to your husband about how you feel these changes have affected you. If you let him know that you feel unsure about whether you're getting anything back for yourself, he might very well realize that he's got a role in keeping the marriage happy, too. Otherwise, he'll just go on believing all is well simply because you're not "squawking" about anything, you know? Thank you for the sound advice. I basically have adopted the "fake it till you make it" way in my marriage. It's hard trying to mask the fakeness. My intentions are genuine, but it comes out phony because I'm not used to it. He doesn't seem to notice though! LOL!
quankanne Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 that's because he's a guy – oblivious to what's below the surface. I know the faking part can be hard, but I promise, at some point you'll figure out something that makes sense, that you can "subscribe to." It just takes time before you hit on it.
Ronni_W Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Hopeful, it is also that you are now acting passive-aggressively in dealing with this Playstation purchase. Sometimes those books do sound as if they're counseling the reader to stop being assertive, and stop expressing own upsets and frustrations, but that does NOT work for the long-term happiness and success of a relationship (as you are starting to find out.) Specific to this, is to say some version of, "What you did there sucked because ______. Within the next 7 days, when will be a good time for us to sit down and develop a budget together?" More generally, it sounds as if you can both benefit from learning more effective conflict resolution skills. Just because he does a major blow-up when you express a dislike or preference does NOT necessarily mean that you're doing it wrong. Well, it more means that you are BOTH not doing your own parts as effectively as can be done. Perhaps a conflict resolution workshop that you attend individually or together, and/or anger management, and/or couples' counseling? (These are all things that worked for us -- we were caught up in almost the exact same dynamic as you describe.) Best of luck.
Author hopeful1980 Posted September 30, 2009 Author Posted September 30, 2009 Thank you for the sound advice Ronni.
giotto Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 sorry, but you should send your husband back to kindergarden... he buys himself a PS 3 with his first paycheck instead of paying the bills? OMG!
Author hopeful1980 Posted September 30, 2009 Author Posted September 30, 2009 sorry, but you should send your husband back to kindergarden... he buys himself a PS 3 with his first paycheck instead of paying the bills? OMG! I said it was irresponsible. He knows it's irresponsible too, but sometimes people do irresponsible things. What I didn't tell you is that this is his second one. The first one he had he sold when he lost his last job to help pay the bills. So in essence he felt justified in making this purchase seeing as how he did the right thing and sold the old one when money was tight. In his mind, he has a job now and things will get back on track so why not get his toy? I can see it from his POV because I have empathy, but that still doesn't mean I like it. I love my husband and he is a grown man who doesn't need to go back to kindergarten thank you very much. Maybe he needs a home economics class, but not a kindergarten class. That was uncalled for.
giotto Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 it was a figure of speech to underline a fact... was it uncalled for? You don't give all the details (difficult, for sure), so we judge basing our opinions on what we have...
Author hopeful1980 Posted September 30, 2009 Author Posted September 30, 2009 it was a figure of speech to underline a fact... was it uncalled for? You don't give all the details (difficult, for sure), so we judge basing our opinions on what we have... Yeah but saying my husband needs to go back to kindergarten doesn't help me. I came here for advice, not to bash the man that I love.
mem11363 Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Your commitment to your man is admirable. Giotto - and I are both in our mid forties. We both have kids like you and know how expensive that is over time. I am not going to bash your man. I have a PS3 - and it is a great machine. I do think a budget is in order. More then that a change of mindset is in order. Your man signed up for kids - 3 of them. When you are struggling to pay bills that means your kids are financially more exposed then you want them to be. It is understandable that your husband wanted to reward himself for getting a job in a tough climate. It is also expected, that a grown man will do a better job of balancing the financial stability of his young children, with his desire for a luxury item. If he had bought the game with discretionary money that you wanted to use for a nice outfit, I would say maybe he is being selfish. But buying the game, when basic bills are barely getting paid is not responsible parenting. Your initial post reflected that you realize that. As for him - is there a strong male role model - your father - his father - who can explain the sacrifices a man is expected to make for his childrens well being? If the situation were reversed, I would have sat down with my partner - you - and said - I am going to work part time/off book/over time over the next month or so to save 300 for a ps3. Are you cool with that? Yeah but saying my husband needs to go back to kindergarten doesn't help me. I came here for advice, not to bash the man that I love.
Author hopeful1980 Posted September 30, 2009 Author Posted September 30, 2009 Your commitment to your man is admirable. Giotto - and I are both in our mid forties. We both have kids like you and know how expensive that is over time. I am not going to bash your man. I have a PS3 - and it is a great machine. I do think a budget is in order. More then that a change of mindset is in order. Your man signed up for kids - 3 of them. When you are struggling to pay bills that means your kids are financially more exposed then you want them to be. It is understandable that your husband wanted to reward himself for getting a job in a tough climate. It is also expected, that a grown man will do a better job of balancing the financial stability of his young children, with his desire for a luxury item. If he had bought the game with discretionary money that you wanted to use for a nice outfit, I would say maybe he is being selfish. But buying the game, when basic bills are barely getting paid is not responsible parenting. Your initial post reflected that you realize that. As for him - is there a strong male role model - your father - his father - who can explain the sacrifices a man is expected to make for his childrens well being? If the situation were reversed, I would have sat down with my partner - you - and said - I am going to work part time/off book/over time over the next month or so to save 300 for a ps3. Are you cool with that? That would have been the wisest choice. But that didn't happen. What I need to know is how to talk to my husband so things like this don't happen in the future. I know I can't control what he does, I just want tips on how to talk to him without sounding like a nagging mother figure. Whenever I talk to him about things, he gets defensive. The only thing I can gather is that my approach is all wrong. I have to deal with these issues, but I don't want to get in a fight over them or walk away feeling as if nothing was accomplished.
JamesM Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 We weren't getting along so I (wife) decided to read all the relationship books and stuff looking for ways to make it better. Of course I also talked to my husband, but we weren't seeing eye to eye. Anyway, I put to practice what the books were saying and our relationship got better. My husband is the happiest he's been in a long time and that makes me happy. Any suggestions? I'd really like some advice. So..let me get this straight. Your marriage (which takes two) is not doing so well, and YOU (one person) made it better? And the HUSBAND is happy? What just happened? And BTW, I am in my mid 40s and have been married for almost 20 years like giotto and mem11363. I am familiar with a bad marriage and know what it is like to try and fix it on my own. What I see is that you changed and he became happy. From what I read, you expected that HE would then do everything in his power to reciprocate and make you happy. Hence, it would equal a happy marriage for both. My guess is that you are still not happy, and he has not changed his ways. First, if he rushes out and buys a PS3 because he knows you won't say no (or so it seems), then he is simply milking this for his own good. This does not seem to me that he is reciprocating the work need to fix the marriage. I disagree that you need to keep saying "Yes, dear." I have no problem with him being the "head of the household," but HE isn't fulfilling that duty. Someone needs to be the adult. Out of curiosity, which books that you read made the biggest impact on you? Which books have the ideas that you followed? IMO he will only change for the betterment of the marriage when he discovers that it is in his best interest to do so. Right now it seems that he is learning that he doesn't need to change because you are doing all of the changing. If this keeps up, he will be happy and you will stay resentful. My concern is that since he knows he can get what he wants, then if you say no, he will somehow throw it in your face about needing to build a happy marriage...and ignoring the fact that he is actually the one destroying the marriage. This is definitely fixable. And I admire you for what you have done so far. My only concern is that since you are doing all of the work and hasn't caught on that you are doing it for "us" and not "him," this plan will not actually fix the marriage.
Author hopeful1980 Posted September 30, 2009 Author Posted September 30, 2009 James, thank you for your response. I can't fix our marriage on my own, but I've learned that the only person I can control is myself. By acting in a more loving way towards my husband, he has in turned acted more loving towards me. So there have been changes in that respect. He's had to change because I changed. But, I feel like he felt that he could take advantage of my unusually happy mood and get his toy. This is where the problem comes in. I didn't want to derail our progress by shooting him down. I didn't know what to do and at the end of the day our lights aren't going to get turned off and we'll still have a place to live and food so I just let it go. It's been bothering me a lot lately though, not the PS3 but the fact that I feel like I don't know how to talk to my husband without a huge fight happening. We don't know how to communicate with each other about not so nice topics. I have read Mars/Venus and the Surrendered Wife. His attitude has definitely changed towards me. He is much more open now and wants to spend a lot of his time with me instead of going out with his friends or just watching tv. I also feel like this can be fixed. I just don't know how to fix it.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 If he is doing right by you, it's time you stopped worrying about things that could happen and focus on the here and now. You can make it better by not developing self doubt within yourself. Good luck to you. I think it'll work out.
quankanne Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 a-ha! have you considered a marriage enrichment course? DH & I went to one offered by my church; in the neighboring big city, the local government offers something called the VOW Marriage program. Both are designed to help couples learn to communicate better on issues that affect the marriage: family, finances, sex, etc. Really good stuff, IMO – it's made a huge impact on the way we listen to each other, and we went on our Marriage Encounter weekend 10 years ago.
giotto Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Then he comes home with this $300 machine when there are other bills that need to be paid right away. It was totally irresponsible, but I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. Every way I would have approached the situation in the past was wrong and caused a major blow up. I want to avoid that now and still let him know that I am displeased. How do I do that? you know, you keep saying I'm not helpful, but you need to re-read what you just wrote... your husband has clearly a big problem and you don't know what to do. You are allowing him to get away with his unhelpful behaviour... and he is a very angry man, for some reason. You should stand up to him. You can only talk to him, right? But regardless of how you approach the situation, there is always a major blow up. This is his way of not dealing with the situation. Then I would suggest MC for you both and IC for yourself, to find out what you really want from your marriage and the man you love. If you can't have a meaningful conversation (without blow ups), then you should talk to a professional... having said that, if there were urgent bills to pay and I came back with a $300 PS3, my wife would have killed me... seriously.
mem11363 Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 We have a threshold - neither of us buys anything over a certain dollar amount without discussion. And it is understood that if I want something really expensive she would never say NO. She might say, what do you want US to give up and even maybe for me personally to give up - for a period of time to fund this item. So if I want something that is 500, and she thinks it needs to be funded by cutting back on the books/movies I buy and rent and maybe some restaurant spending, then maybe I cut back for 5 months and then buy it. But she and I have this attitude of save first/buy second. So we rarely fight about this stuff. Would he agree to some threshold that you BOTH stick to? When he wants something that doesn't fit, will he either agree to spend less on other stuff - or work more hours for a while to fund the item? If the answers are yes, yes and yes then you are in good shape. If the answers are not all yes, then you have a problem that you may need a therapist or family member to help with. He needs to feel like your financial co-pilot. He cannot suddenly steer the plane hard left without warning or discussion. If he were my son - I would also tell him that I sure hope the budget includes a certain amount of money getting saved every month because the idea of my grandkids living paycheck to paycheck would make me nervous. And - ummm - what Giotto said about "I would not do this because my wife would kill me...." Ditto. That was true when I earned 100 percent of our money as well. And my wife is the best - absolutely the best. She is not mean, she is just strong. And she just would not tolerate me putting my gadgets ahead of the kids. And I know that she loves me, just as I know for certain that she would demand I put the needs of the family ahead of my personal wants. you know, you keep saying I'm not helpful, but you need to re-read what you just wrote... your husband has clearly a big problem and you don't know what to do. You are allowing him to get away with his unhelpful behaviour... and he is a very angry man, for some reason. You should stand up to him. You can only talk to him, right? But regardless of how you approach the situation, there is always a major blow up. This is his way of not dealing with the situation. Then I would suggest MC for you both and IC for yourself, to find out what you really want from your marriage and the man you love. If you can't have a meaningful conversation (without blow ups), then you should talk to a professional... having said that, if there were urgent bills to pay and I came back with a $300 PS3, my wife would have killed me... seriously.
giotto Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 All I was trying to say is that there must be boundaries and priorities... to me, a man who puts his own pleasure and interests before bills and children is definitely selfish and needs to grow up in terms of behaviour... is that helpful? Maybe not...
Author hopeful1980 Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 Well, I talked to him last night and it went suprisingly well. He knew it was irresponsible and apologized repeatedly. He knew he was wrong and didn't even try to make excuses for it. I walked away from the conversation feeling relief not only in the fact that he didn't get defensive, but in the fact that if something goes wrong he takes responsibility for it. It's not on me. It's on him. That's basically what he told me and it is so freeing not to be burdened with all the responsibility. I'm just going to let him worry about it. If he makes a mistake, I'm not going to treat him like a bad person because of it. I'm just going to trust that he knows what he did was not right and he'll find his way back. We are moving in the right direction.
giotto Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Well, I talked to him last night and it went suprisingly well. He knew it was irresponsible and apologized repeatedly. He knew he was wrong and didn't even try to make excuses for it. I walked away from the conversation feeling relief not only in the fact that he didn't get defensive, but in the fact that if something goes wrong he takes responsibility for it. It's not on me. It's on him. That's basically what he told me and it is so freeing not to be burdened with all the responsibility. I'm just going to let him worry about it. If he makes a mistake, I'm not going to treat him like a bad person because of it. I'm just going to trust that he knows what he did was not right and he'll find his way back. We are moving in the right direction. Is he still drinking?
Author hopeful1980 Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 Is he still drinking? I'm happy to report he is not. He also quit cigarrettes!
giotto Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I'm happy to report he is not. He also quit cigarrettes! That's very good news! Well, it shows he is making an effort, then...
Recommended Posts