Anahata Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I have indisputible proof WS is/was having at least an EA with definitely 1, most likely several OW. I know this has been going on for years. I have finally reached my own breaking point and accepted that WS is a lying cheat that cheats b/c he cheats (and has psychological issues he needs to address,) despite his blaming solely me for why he does the things he does. I am no longer interested in being the supportive spouse to stand by him and help him get through this, b/c he himself is unwilling to accept his own responsibility for his choice of actions nor has he shown any real inclination to change or get help for himself. Yet I find myself still continually looking for further evidence and making myself upset about what he's doing. How do I get off the computer, off the couch and off to the lawyer's to get the ball rolling already? Guess I'm just not quite angry enough to take action yet? Or I'm still stuck in my half of the dynamic of allowing him to hurt me with his lies and actions?
MistyK Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I have indisputible proof WS is/was having at least an EA with definitely 1, most likely several OW. I know this has been going on for years. I have finally reached my own breaking point and accepted that WS is a lying cheat that cheats b/c he cheats (and has psychological issues he needs to address,) despite his blaming solely me for why he does the things he does. I am no longer interested in being the supportive spouse to stand by him and help him get through this, b/c he himself is unwilling to accept his own responsibility for his choice of actions nor has he shown any real inclination to change or get help for himself. Yet I find myself still continually looking for further evidence and making myself upset about what he's doing. How do I get off the computer, off the couch and off to the lawyer's to get the ball rolling already? Guess I'm just not quite angry enough to take action yet? Or I'm still stuck in my half of the dynamic of allowing him to hurt me with his lies and actions? It's interesting, because the inability to choose a definitive course of action and act accordingly is a problem that plagues the WS's as well. Possibly, your line of thinking isn't all that different. It's hard to leave a situation you're familiar with, one you know, even if you don't like it. Especially when you don't know what's next - the security is a huge thing to lose. Perhaps you still need to justify yourself - maybe you haven't found "enough" for it to be "ok" for you to leave. Perhaps you are still holding out hope that the person you love will change. Perhaps you have difficulty with the idea of failure - for some people the failure of a marriage means their whole life has been a failure. He seems clear that he isn't going to change, so it is up to you to move forward with your life however you see fit. While it seems unfair that you now have to make such a huge choice, it is the situation. What do you need around you to be able to move forward? Do you have a therapist, family supports, etc?
PhoenixRise Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I think you have to learn to trust yourself enough to be able to move forward based on what you know. It can be scary I know. You to change your ideas about what your life will be like and you have to change your ideas about who your husband is. Accepting that you chose a man who is a liar and a serial cheater can be a hard pill to swallow. BUT Picture your life in 5 years. Do you want to still be in this situation? Do you want to still be hoping he will change? Going to a lawyer to actually file for divorce is a huge step. It means truly acknowledging that your dreams and expectations for your life that you had will not happen. You will have to start over. It is a big step. A step you will have to take if your H is a serial cheater who does not want to change. Try setting yourself a deadline. Circle an actual date on the calander by which time you will have at least gone for an initial consultation with a lawyer. Good Luck
Author Anahata Posted September 30, 2009 Author Posted September 30, 2009 My therapist has suggested I am "addicted" to WS and his various problems. Perhaps I have just finally reached my bottom with this situation. I have been to 12-step meetings for issues like this before and I do need to get back over there again. I have friends that would be supportive, they were last time I was going to leave 3 years ago but I'm not good at asking for help for myself and don't really like the approach I know some will take (1 has been divorced for years and was pressuring me to do so too ever since she first got separated - I suspect mostly for company.) I tried several SSRIs before but one made me violently ill and another either did nothing or made me too manic and dissolved that social filter between my brain and mouth in a bad way. I'm trying the eat right, exercise, meditate, do positive happy things all-natural route right now. I just seem to have this sticky speed bump going on. I'm 36, in a loveless, sexless marriage to an alcoholic/cheating husband, no kids, laid off for the 3rd time in my life in yet another career path and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Why would I think I or my life has been a failure? LOL, JK, I know that's all stinking thinking and I only think that way when I'm in a bad mood; like poking at a sore tooth when you know dang well it's going to hurt, yet can't stop yourself. More days than not I can acknowledge the blessings and experiences I've received in my life and be happy with the exciting varied lifepath I've led. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and it has all happened because that's the way I needed it to go down. Just sometimes wish I wasn't so hard-headed about learning some of these life lessons.
Author Anahata Posted September 30, 2009 Author Posted September 30, 2009 I like the deadline idea, I'm going to do that. "Accepting that you chose a man who is a liar and a serial cheater can be a hard pill to swallow." Nah, I've been a loser/crazy magnet my whole life. I've been working on myself to fix whatever it is in me that draws them in and makes me think this is OK and what I'm willing to put up with. Initially I thought this one was different, but I hadn't changed yet then so why should he have been any different than the previous boyfriends before him?
LakesideDream Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I like the deadline idea, I'm going to do that. "Accepting that you chose a man who is a liar and a serial cheater can be a hard pill to swallow." Nah, I've been a loser/crazy magnet my whole life. I've been working on myself to fix whatever it is in me that draws them in and makes me think this is OK and what I'm willing to put up with. Initially I thought this one was different, but I hadn't changed yet then so why should he have been any different than the previous boyfriends before him? There will certainly be another loser/crazy man out there to help you continue on your path. Just don't have kids (more kids) or make long term plans. You will run out of energy before you run out of men.
Author Anahata Posted September 30, 2009 Author Posted September 30, 2009 There will certainly be another loser/crazy man out there to help you continue on your path. Just don't have kids (more kids) or make long term plans. You will run out of energy before you run out of men. Thanks for the positive words of hope, Lakeside, or maybe you only meant it as tough love, eh? Nope, no more losers for me, thanks, I've changed paths. I've learned "it is me" and am doing something about it. I'm not looking for any replacements to run to, I plan to cut this one loose, enjoy being on my own and standing on my own 2 feet, surounding myself with healthy positive conscious people and enjoying the rest of my life. I currently have no kids and while I would like to have some in the future if it's in the cards, I have no illusions about creating any right now, especially with the current husband (aside from the fact that procreation would require intercourse which isn't happening,) and I believe a healthy 2-parent environment is best so there will be no children until that happens. I can intellectually know and see there is a better way, a better life out there for me. I'm just having some self-sabotaging trouble opening the door and stepping out. But as I said before, I'm making myself a deadline and setting that date in my calendar. And it WILL happen.
eeyore1981 Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I know exactly where you are coming from. I am actually disgusted with myself for still being here. It's like I haven't quite been abused enough yet. ????
Devil Inside Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I can intellectually know and see there is a better way, a better life out there for me. I'm just having some self-sabotaging trouble opening the door and stepping out. But as I said before, I'm making myself a deadline and setting that date in my calendar. And it WILL happen. I struggle with this disconnect of the heart and mind as well. Good to see that you are setting deadlines. I often find that creating external structure helps me when I have none internally to rely on. I also find that I try to strike when the iron is hot. You know those moments of strength throughout the day...when you feel that take a step. Call and make an appointment...that way you'll be less inclined to put it off. I like your attitude about this. 36 is young...you can completely change your path now and have the life you want. Go get it.
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