wondering_girl Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 hi all, i'm sorry we're all going through this i woke up this morning and finally realized i guess i'm not going to get my closure from him so i really really need to just do it on my own... my posting here is silent break-up.... which we never officially broke it off but after a while silence says it all.. how do i move on to provide myself the closure i need? my friends said go there and talk to him, i really don't feel the need to, i have no desire to see his face. *HUGS everyone*
Kaya Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I'm sorry to hear that your ex won't give you one last conversation - perhaps the idea of having such a conversation is too daunting for him. I agree with you, at this point - you really don't need to see him again to get closure. Closure that comes from within you can be much more powerful.. time of course will help.. but maybe you could try writing a letter to him and then burning it - have a little "letting go/goodbye" ceremony for yourself..
Nikki Sahagin Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Hey sweety, I can completely relate to this. My ex broke up with me via email and though we did speak and discuss things somewhat in an email, I realised his reasons for breaking it up were so confusing and baffling to me, that I really did not truly understand it. A lot of what he said contradicted. For instance he loves me and misses me but needs to be single to find himself. He sees himself married to me in the future but has no qualms about letting me go to potentially fall in love with someone else. I realised no matter how much we spoke, I would only have more questions and never answers. We have never had a face to face confrontation and now it is almost too late, if I saw him now I wouldn't now HOW to react. Depressed/angry/lust/love/friendliness/coldness - I don't know WHAT i'd feel. I think sometimes the ex CAN'T give us closure. Either they simply wont or they don't even know themselves WHY let alone are they able to explain it to us. All you can do is let time pass and keep busy. Time gives us our own closure.
norajane Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 how do i move on to provide myself the closure i need? You're most of the way there - you have accepted that it's over and really don't want or need to see him again. This idea of closure is so bizarre, I think. There are few break-ups where it's all quite civilized and people are honest and caring and discuss it calmly and rationally to everyone's satisfaction to help explain WHY thing didn't work out. What I'm saying is, even if you had a conversation with him, it's not likely that you'll get the answers you seek, not in any satisfying way, and it's more likely that you'll have even more unanswered questions the more he says. So, once you accept it's over, the next step is stop questioning why. It doesn't matter why. The bottom line is it didn't work out. For whatever reason, you weren't right for each other and that's that. Then you have to keep reminding yourself that you are better off this way. Because if you weren't right for each other, then why waste more time trying to make it work or to second guess what went wrong? Accept that you are now free to move on and meet other people. If you're sad about that, then be sad for a little while. You are entitled to your feelings. Cry, wallow, write letters you'll never send. Eat ice cream and chocolate chip cookies and talk to your best friend. Don't do that for too long, though. Pick yourself up and pick one thing that you want to do, or one thing you want to change for yourself, and make it happen. This is the time to take that dance class or kick-boxing class you always wanted to try, or plan a fabulous costume party for Halloween and invite everyone you know and tell them to invite their friends, or get a job or start saving so you can pay for a wonderful vacation next summer to somewhere you always wanted to go. Pick one thing and get it done. Then pick something else and make it happen. By the time you get to the next thing, you'll already have moved on without realizing it. Good luck to you!
norajane Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I realised his reasons for breaking it up were so confusing and baffling to me, that I really did not truly understand it. A lot of what he said contradicted. I realised no matter how much we spoke, I would only have more questions and never answers. I think sometimes the ex CAN'T give us closure. Either they simply wont or they don't even know themselves WHY let alone are they able to explain it to us. All you can do is let time pass and keep busy. Time gives us our own closure. Exactly! Real people aren't scripted and explanations aren't simple, especially when they involve human beings and not characters someone dreamed up and understands perfectly. You just have to stop looking for closure and just live your life.
fabulous_chk Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Give yourself closure! If he can walk away from that relationship, you can walk away as well.
Author wondering_girl Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 thanks girls, *HUGS* in the earlier stages, i gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking after 4 years of being with him of actually coming to talk to me or welcoming the idea of him coming back - but as days pass by, i continue to feel disrespected by him - i love him but sometimes, i think if he's capable of hurting me like this he can do this again ya know? we had a very petty argument and i simply called him out on his behavior for the FIRST time but i HAD to ya know.... i didn't know he was gonna run away as fast as he can. after i laid out everything the last time i talked to him i told him it wasn't right that he treated me this way (he pulls silent treatments) - he barely said 3 words to me and he said "he wasn't ready to talk" been about 2 1/2 weeks since that...... i never nor have the desire to call him because i feel like i'm disrespecting myself when i do and that just makes me look like i'm begging him... i thought if he wants to be with me then yea but i won't beg (i miss him and i love him still) as hard as pill it is to swallow, i need to realize that his silence says it all, i'm trying girls, this really HURTS though, throughout the day i go through a roller coaster of emotions and i have panic attacks..... it does get better right?
norajane Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 it does get better right? Absolutely! Just wait until you get to that point of blessed relief that he's out of your life and you never have to worry about him disrespecting you anymore. You say this was the first time you've called him out on his behavior in 4 years? I'll bet it wasn't the first time he should have been called out for the way he's treated you. You've probably given him the benefit of the doubt far too many times at your own expense. Guess what? You don't have to twist yourself into a pretzel anymore trying to find a way to give him the benefit of the doubt so you can feel less bad about how he's treating you.
Author wondering_girl Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 hi norajane - thanks for the response. this was the FIRST time ever in the WHOLE 4 years that i said babe, i don't know what i did to you to deserve this type of treatment from you (silent treatment) i told him i understood he needed space but i told him i felt like this time it was to extreme - i simply misplaced something. everytime we argued he would give me the silent treatment or if he didn't like something - sometimes i don't even know what it is.. he'd pull it on me and then come back like nothing happened - i let it slide this time he actually wanted to talk but kept insisting on his time and wanted to do dinner and i told him why can't we talk somewhere else - it's been dragged on SOOO long.. and then when i couldn't make it he got mad, and then tried to pretend everything was ok - but i didn't let him, so this time, i talked to him and he barely said 3 words to me... last thing i told him was "when you're ready to talk" i'm here so i left at that. i'm still depressed and it HURTS especially after four years he left just like this - i thought it was a punishment this time, but i guess this silence is for good.
adamt Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Most dumpees will not get closure. you ask questions, you get answers but you have more questions. it all leads to the same path that they just lost interest. what you have to do is look back in the relationship and see where it might have gone wrong for both people. then learn from it and take that into your next relationship. you have to let go of getting answers and thinking there is one answer that will fix things and bring them back.
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