zicke Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 My mom told me after a devastating breakup long ago: "Well, Zicke, some people are just meant to be alone." My mom was never the most nurturing mom out there. And if my lot in life is to "be alone" I guess that I better make peace with it. There's always the next life right? But, I am outgoing and goodlooking enough that I know this will not be the case. And if it is, it is because I will have made that decision, not because I "couldn't" find anyone. Seriously, everyone, from overweight, unattractive, disabled, mean, happy, lonely, etc...has someone who wants to be with them. It's a matter of that person seeking their own level. Like water. If you believe that there is no one out there for you, there will be no one out there for you.
aerogurl87 Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 My mom told me after a devastating breakup long ago: "Well, Zicke, some people are just meant to be alone." My mom was never the most nurturing mom out there. And if my lot in life is to "be alone" I guess that I better make peace with it. There's always the next life right? But, I am outgoing and goodlooking enough that I know this will not be the case. And if it is, it is because I will have made that decision, not because I "couldn't" find anyone. Seriously, everyone, from overweight, unattractive, disabled, mean, happy, lonely, etc...has someone who wants to be with them. It's a matter of that person seeking their own level. Like water. If you believe that there is no one out there for you, there will be no one out there for you. I think Zicke has a good point. There's someone out there for everyone, the problem is people nowadays have been Disneyfied (Disneyfied: tricked into believing that happily ever after comes easily with no work at all and Mr. or Miss Perfect is out there waiting for them), so people find someone who could be great for them and pass them up for one or two little flaws. No one is perfect for anyone, but there are multiple, perhaps hundreds of potential mates for every person on Earth. You just have to put in work and effort to meet those people and try to have a happy and fufilling relationship with them.
BobSacamento Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I'm too awesome end up alone, it would be a waste.
muse08 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 yes,i do feel like i will end up alone. there are always going to be some "issues" to work through.understood.HOWEVER...is there an unwritten rule that says "in order to have a lasting relationship you must ignore what you dont like and play the fool more often than not."? seriously,how are some couples staying together when i know full well they have issues beyond belief! no, its not all bad being alone and there are many things to focus on when alone, but i honestly don't wanna end up alone no matter how tough i may seem and how independent some men may think i am.i wanna prepare myself for being alone because i honestly think that, that's how i'll end up.can u really prepare yourself for it though...?everyone on this earth will not end up married. my mother has been alone for almost 25 yrs now.stayed married for only 4 yrs.i have seen so much mess and careless marriages that i feel like,"why even try". i feel like i may end up like her because i don't like unnecessary issues and work in a relationship.the relationships i end up in seem 2 not work out for various reasons,but i'm always the one who ends it...with a legitimate reason in my eyes...mother says she's fine and set in her ways, but every now and then admits that it would be nice to have someone to take her out and be a companion. again...i pose the ? is there an unwritten rule that says "in order to have a lasting relationship and/or marriage, you must ignore what you dont like and play the fool more often than not."?
Isolde Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 so people find someone who could be great for them and pass them up for one or two little flaws. Yes, there will always be a minority of people who are picky to the point where they pass up tons of prospective partners. But I don't think this so called "media influence" or "Disneyfication" is by any means a cause of the kind of pervasive relationship weltschmerz the OP discusses. FWIW I don't know anyone who passed up someone due to "one or two little flaws."
zicke Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Muse, holy negative outlook. No one is perfect, you included. Everyone has flaws. Maybe you have unrealistic expectations of what a loving relationship is like..or, your picker could be broken. You choose. Or, just be alone because no one can meet your expectations.
splintered thing Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 If you believe that there is no one out there for you, there will be no one out there for you. It works both ways: now that I believe there's no one out there for me, there is no one out there for me. On the other hand, back when I did believe there was someone out there for me, there was also no one out there for me. Might as well believe in reality...it's easier on the spirit.
muse08 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Muse, holy negative outlook. No one is perfect, you included.QUOTE] i know that i'm not perfect.this is why i pointed out the fact that my relationships seem to not last. i think my picker is truly broken...and i have trust issues for sure. the last relationship was really not for me though i don't think.i don't even feel good when i think about the issues that still exist while we're trying to reconcile.i don't like when people don't keep their word and this is a big issue with me ex.
gypsy_nicky Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 somehow I feel like this. I put off seeing people for most of my teen years to take care of an ill parent who passed a few months back. Now I feel like I'm playing catch up. I'll find her though. One day.
gypsy_nicky Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 another thing, when people here say 'picky' are you saying settling for less (going for someone your not really attracted to, income, slight personality flaws etc) or something else?
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Actually they do, I just don't want them. I thought you said you were going to start dating them so you wouldn't have to be alone.
BobSacamento Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I thought you said you were going to start dating them so you wouldn't have to be alone. What is he on trial? Fifth!
hoping2heal Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Today as I was watching my favorite show, my cat jumped in my lap and gave me the sweetest kitty hug ever. I purred right back at her, and hugged her.....and it hit me I am going to end up being the crazy old spinster with the cats. Since even before my last relationship ended I felt like if that relationship didnt work, I was going to end up alone. It occurred to me that just like it happened with my boobs. When I was little I wanted to have boobs...cuz that meant i was a woman. For a while I fretted about it but then after a while I figured, "oh well, its bound to happen at some point. I HAVE to get boobs, afterall, I AM girl..." so i stopped worrying. Lo and behold...i have no boobs. They never really grew. So, Im thinking its gonna be the same story with a loving relationship. I always imagine that it's gotta happen...right? i mean come on.....but what if it doesnt? what if im just not meant to have that either? It saddens me a bit....sometimes though I feel like its not that bad. It means traveling whenever and wherever I want. A big house if i want it, big dogs, my kitty, the works... Then I was listening to my favorite show...and the main character feels like she will never be loved so she focus so much on her career...not knowing that her partner loves her. (BONES!!!! ) Then later i was watching something else and it was the same story, heroin feels she will never be loved, all the while the man she loves loves her back. I mean i know its movies and stuff...but it got me thinking...is that thought normal? That we wont find someone who loves us?? I wonder how many of us thought that and it actually came true.... There are many people who never love or be loved in return. I don't think it is because it was "meant" to be that way. I think we all have chances to establish good and healthy, life long relationships. But many, I believe due to lack of education and wisdom about choosing a partner, and maintaining relationships; the life long bliss will evade them. It's kind of like how some people will be poor all their lives monetary wise. I don't think it's because some people were MEANT to be poor, while others were meant to be rich. It's just there are people who lack the education or wisdom about how to handle their finances or make money or other reasons. We all have choices to make, and when we don't choose wisely in our relationships (how many times have you let red flag, after red flag, after red flag pass in a partner and still date them? Guilty!!) If you read on this board or the break up board, it's VERY common theme to see people dating people who are ALL WRONG for them, many choosing stubbornly to persue that person anyhow. It's like this, you can't buy the materials for a house, and expect that some day it will materialize into a railroad. You have to make good choices to get what you want and unfortunately in life, sometimes those good choices are segued by tragedy (i.e death, terminal illness) but that doesn't mean you shouldn't still TRY. Good relationships and love isn't something that we grow into, unlike boobs .
caramel c Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Sometimes I have thoughts along these lines, and it makes me very sad. On the other hand, my biggest fear is breakup. I'm going through the aftermath of a breakup now and I would rather stay single forever than go through this again. But, unless I get involved again I WILL stay single forever.
hoping2heal Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 yes,i do feel like i will end up alone. there are always going to be some "issues" to work through.understood.HOWEVER...is there an unwritten rule that says "in order to have a lasting relationship you must ignore what you dont like and play the fool more often than not."? seriously,how are some couples staying together when i know full well they have issues beyond belief! no, its not all bad being alone and there are many things to focus on when alone, but i honestly don't wanna end up alone no matter how tough i may seem and how independent some men may think i am.i wanna prepare myself for being alone because i honestly think that, that's how i'll end up.can u really prepare yourself for it though...?everyone on this earth will not end up married. my mother has been alone for almost 25 yrs now.stayed married for only 4 yrs.i have seen so much mess and careless marriages that i feel like,"why even try". i feel like i may end up like her because i don't like unnecessary issues and work in a relationship.the relationships i end up in seem 2 not work out for various reasons,but i'm always the one who ends it...with a legitimate reason in my eyes...mother says she's fine and set in her ways, but every now and then admits that it would be nice to have someone to take her out and be a companion. again...i pose the ? is there an unwritten rule that says "in order to have a lasting relationship and/or marriage, you must ignore what you dont like and play the fool more often than not."? I don't know..I'm pretty damn happy in my relationship and we don't live by this rule. If I don't like something, I address it and we work on it. If he doesn't like something..he addresses it and we work on it. It's worked pretty well for us, and neither of us have to play the fool
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 What is he on trial? Fifth! LOL...interesting enough, Bob, I don't judge people as harshly as some. I was just curious if his previous thread about dating fatties was true or if he was just trying to stir the pot and get people angry. No, he's not on trial - I don't care what he does. Just curious how his little experiment was going.
C-i-C-u Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 LOL...interesting enough, Bob, I don't judge people as harshly as some. I was just curious if his previous thread about dating fatties was true or if he was just trying to stir the pot and get people angry. No, he's not on trial - I don't care what he does. Just curious how his little experiment was going. I had a conversation with my mom last night. And we talked about this kid who I have known since elementary school. He is a very good person, but he has partial spina bifida which prevents him from walking like a normal person. He can't run and I mentioned to my mom that he told me his favorite meals were from fastfood restaurants like burger king, etc. So he was fat, and I said it probably is because he is lonely since he has no gf. And my mom told me that I too needed to get a gf. That women need to be conquered. You need to talk with them, bring them nice gifts tell them nice things. Do nice things to them and they will love you and my mom warned me to stay away from women who were to good looking. Because most women don't fully mature until they are in their 30s. She said that women my age are currently pursuing older men or good looking men for not so serious relationships. And that eventually women grow out of that phase and start pursuing guys like me. My mom suggessted that if I-my friend and I-wanted to get a gf we would need to start going out to bars, etc. But that for us to remember that there are just as many women who are single and looking for someone to love and be loved as there is a man.
Fay Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 hahaha no.... ive heard its called quarter life crisis....Im in no rush to get married right now...but i do want to get married eventually and have children..... I guess it has to do with fantasizing about all that with my ex and then watch that evaporate into a whole lot o' nothin'. Hah, the quarter-life crisis heaped together with ex troubles is a bitch. I just went through exactly that. He promised the world, I swore he was The Forever One, etc. and it all went to the crapper. "OMG I'll never find anyone. I'm going to die a bag lady. Woe is me forever and ever." Then I got my old job back and a shiny new boyfriend, and all is well again. And it will be for you too, silly girl.
SadandConfusedWA Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 OP, I think it takes a certain personality type to end up alone. It's usually people who are not able to hold down a relationship or are not able to get any people interested in them in the first place. There are people who simply do not know how to build intimacy and relationships and refuse to learn from their mistakes. There is also another category of people that I will call "delusional". They tend to want really high standards in a potential mate, be it looks or intelligence and are unable to see that they themselves are not able to offer the same in return. They then grow bitter and delude themselves further with thoughts such as "I am too intelligent". "Men are scared of me because I am TOO together" etc etc. No one ever doesn't get a relationship because they are "TOO" anything. It's rather that they are not enough of something. But I digress. I want to say that I have followed your posts and your two LTRs with the last 2 guys that turned out to be douches. I truly think that you have not done anything wrong in either of those cases. From your posts you come across as loving, supportive and loyal gf who has her head screwed on right. You clearly have the capability to not only find but hold down a LTR. So while some people do and will end up alone, you won't be one of them. I am sure of it
espec10001 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Sometimes I have thoughts along these lines, and it makes me very sad. On the other hand, my biggest fear is breakup. I'm going through the aftermath of a breakup now and I would rather stay single forever than go through this again. But, unless I get involved again I WILL stay single forever. Unfortunately I've learned that you must turn your heart to stone to survive in this world. When I see a romantic relationship between a man and a woman, I know that it will lead to children. Then I look at the world around me and then I wonder "Do I want to produce children to live in this dump? Do I want to parent a child that is born a corporate drone just like I am? Do I want to produce yet another wage slave to further this f***ed up system that covers the earth?" These are questions we need to ask ourselves... These are the biggest reasons why I have come to peace with remaining single. Unless we can make the world a better place, we are just making life worse for future generations by being in romantic relationships and producing children.
brevifolia Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 There are many people who never love or be loved in return. I don't think it is because it was "meant" to be that way. I think we all have chances to establish good and healthy, life long relationships. But many, I believe due to lack of education and wisdom about choosing a partner, and maintaining relationships; the life long bliss will evade them. It's kind of like how some people will be poor all their lives monetary wise. I don't think it's because some people were MEANT to be poor, while others were meant to be rich. It's just there are people who lack the education or wisdom about how to handle their finances or make money or other reasons. We all have choices to make, and when we don't choose wisely in our relationships (how many times have you let red flag, after red flag, after red flag pass in a partner and still date them? Guilty!!) If you read on this board or the break up board, it's VERY common theme to see people dating people who are ALL WRONG for them, many choosing stubbornly to persue that person anyhow. It's like this, you can't buy the materials for a house, and expect that some day it will materialize into a railroad. You have to make good choices to get what you want and unfortunately in life, sometimes those good choices are segued by tragedy (i.e death, terminal illness) but that doesn't mean you shouldn't still TRY. Good relationships and love isn't something that we grow into, unlike boobs . I totally agree with this, excellent post. Forgive me now while I think/babble aloud... The thought has crossed my mind once or twice that I could end up alone, I imagine everyone has considered it on some lonely, miserable night or other. BUT you have to keep the faith in the idea that there are so many people out there that your chances are pretty good - IF (as hoping2heal said) you work with what you've got and you know what you're doing... or at least appear that way. The thing in TV shows about the preoccupied female who's oblivious to being beloved by all men around her is a crock. Even if that were the case, half the interested suitors would be secretly married or have a horrendous fungal disease that'd put you off once you discovered their feelings ;-) I remember watching Dawson's Creek (jeez!) as a youngster and wondering why I didn't have a series of men graffitiing love letters on walls for me and falling at my feet. Now I see how removed from reality it is, but also how much more romantic and exciting real life can be. I wouldn't say my expectations have lowered so much as they've 'changed' In reality, everyone has to make some effort to initiate contact with potential partners as they're not usually lurking in the wings waiting to declare their feelings at the right moment. It's definitely all about making the choices that hoping2heal mentioned. I also think that part and parcel of the fun of the dating game and relationships in general is that the choices are there to be made - wrongly or rightly. It's easy to feel let down when you've been single a while, though. The killer thing about being single and feeling down about it is the impact that can have when you do meet someone. I know I've gone from single - attached and had such huge expectations that it's all gone tits up rather quickly! I'm not worried about ending up alone, which seems easy to say while in a relationship... but I'm not. It's so trite to say it, but I'd definitely rather be alone than in a meaningless relationship. If I don't get the butterflies and they don't ignite a spark (forget a spark, I want a blazing inferno!) of interest then no dice. I've always got my dog, and my friends! You've got the right attitude though, realising that even if the single life is ahead of you - even if just for a while - there are so many advantages to that such as travel, complete independence etc. Well almost complete independence... what happens to the cats when you go travelling?
TaraMaiden Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 OP, I think it takes a certain personality type to end up alone. It's usually people who are not able to hold down a relationship or are not able to get any people interested in them in the first place. There are people who simply do not know how to build intimacy and relationships and refuse to learn from their mistakes. There is also another category of people that I will call "delusional". They tend to want really high standards in a potential mate, be it looks or intelligence and are unable to see that they themselves are not able to offer the same in return. They then grow bitter and delude themselves further with thoughts such as "I am too intelligent". There is of course, the person who decides a solitary life is just fine for them, and they're happy to commit to a single life, quite happily. I know several people like this: Happy, single laypeople known as Buddhists, who don't need partners, because they're unnecessary and surplus to requirement. (detachment is a big thing in Buddhism). BTW.... this is a choice. And I've made mine..... that is theirs.....
caramel c Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Unfortunately I've learned that you must turn your heart to stone to survive in this world. When I see a romantic relationship between a man and a woman, I know that it will lead to children. Then I look at the world around me and then I wonder "Do I want to produce children to live in this dump? Do I want to parent a child that is born a corporate drone just like I am? Do I want to produce yet another wage slave to further this f***ed up system that covers the earth?" These are questions we need to ask ourselves... These are the biggest reasons why I have come to peace with remaining single. Unless we can make the world a better place, we are just making life worse for future generations by being in romantic relationships and producing children. Well, on the subject of having children I am just not sure. I would consider it but I am 32 and single now and I'm not sure if it will be possible for me. But, in reply to those other concerns, I have had those concerns before. What gets me to overcome those concerns is my faith in God. This world is not perfect and neither am I but what I do DOES make a difference in it. Even one good deed per day makes the world a better place. No, its not going to stop crime dead in its tracks or find a cure for cancer, but it DOES make a difference. We all make a difference. If I do have kids I will teach them this and I will teach them to not look to solve every problem or look at the big picture only. I will teach them what I think is the best way for survival, eternally. I also realize that I may not ever get married even though I want to. All I can do is stay out there meeting people and being my best self for the world to see and hope and pray that true love will come my way.
pandagirl Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Unfortunately I've learned that you must turn your heart to stone to survive in this world. When I see a romantic relationship between a man and a woman, I know that it will lead to children. Then I look at the world around me and then I wonder "Do I want to produce children to live in this dump? Do I want to parent a child that is born a corporate drone just like I am? Do I want to produce yet another wage slave to further this f***ed up system that covers the earth?" These are questions we need to ask ourselves... These are the biggest reasons why I have come to peace with remaining single. Unless we can make the world a better place, we are just making life worse for future generations by being in romantic relationships and producing children. No! People are able of raising beautiful children. Don't let the dark side win!
Thornton Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I am going to end up being the crazy old spinster with the cats. That's exactly how I felt when I bought a puppy to keep me company, and someone jokingly suggested that I was buying love from another species because I failed to find it in my own species I am going to end up being the crazy old spinster with the dogs... arguably that's what I am already, which is a rather distressing thought. Perhaps 30 is rather too young to feel spinster-ish, but it seems like everyone I know was married with kids 5-10 years ago - my little step-sister is 19 and she's engaged and having her first baby I'm in a relationship though, so perhaps I will end up married... or perhaps not, depending on how it goes. I've got to the point now that I no longer have the expectation of finding lasting happiness, I just think it would be nice if it happened, and at least I know my dog will be there for me for the rest of her life. I've decided that if necessary I'll have children on my own at around 38 and just be a single mother, so at least I'll have some family, even if not a steady partner or husband.
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