julkat Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I met a man about 5 months ago and began what has become a very serious relationship. We've talked about living together, marriage, how incredibly lucky we are to have found each other. He and his wife have been separated for 5 years, but still own a business together. She moved in July to another part of Ontario to go back to school, but comes back every month to do the books. She has been incredibly sad about leaving and letting go of her dream to get back with him, and sends him horribly sad emails. He told me that over the past 5 years they kept trying every six months or so just in case they could reconnect after a 28-year marriage. They haven't been intimate in almost a year. He's going to a family wedding on Saturday and can't take me because his wife has asked him to please not do this as it would be incredibly difficult to see him with me, even though he has told her about us. Last night she sent him an email saying that she would like them to be friends, she realizes he has moved on, could they sit together at the wedding, have a few dances and drinks and catch up with each other and learn to be friends. He responded saying that he is very serious about me, he will see her before the wedding for a visit, between the wedding and reception, but that he is leaving before the dance to go to a Birthday Party with me. He also agreed to take her through his new house (just finished today) on Saturday before the wedding so she can see how he has moved on. Then he went on to say that he is glad that he has to leave after dinner because he was afraid of how the evening would end in case they ended up in bed together, that he could somehow picture that happening, and he doesn't want to go there for both of their sake. I am stunned. I thought, from all that he shared with me, that they were totally finished. I had no idea he still found her not only attractive, but so compelling that he needs to make other plans to force himself away from the temptation. What about the times in the future when there are no other plans, and she pops in to his home for a 'visit'. Where will they end up!??! They talk about having shared so much in their lifetimes and staying good friends. I don't want to feel that I am only a good second, that my life partner has a strong, sexually-precarious and emotionally intimate relationship with his ex-wife. I respect his past, but I also thought that she was solidly in his past. I love him. I'm afraid now for my future well-being with this man. Am I overreacting?
2sure Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 If he is in a committed marriage talking relationship with YOU... No, you are not over reacting. Basically he said he cannot control his sexual impulses so he cant be near her too long. If he cant control them with a women he doesnt even want...how is it possible he will be able to control them with others whom he may desire? Now, thats a stretch and I know it - given that they are not officially divorced and relatively amicable...but I dont like the way he puts it as though...he wouldnt be able to help it, so needs to avoids it. Its a cheaters way of saying "Its not my fault, I cant help it"
Author julkat Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 I am stunned. He said he did it to appease her, that she promised if he gave her one more day she would give him his divorce and leave him alone to his relationship with me. He said he couldn't get it up, but that they did have oral sex. He swears he doesn't desire her, will never compromise our relationship again, and just wanted to make her go away so he could be free to be with me. He sent her an email today and told her he is going to marry me, that he does want a divorce, that he will never be with her again or compromise us. I want to believe him. I feel like such a fool.
Bejita463 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I am stunned. He said he did it to appease her, that she promised if he gave her one more day she would give him his divorce and leave him alone to his relationship with me. He said he couldn't get it up, but that they did have oral sex. He swears he doesn't desire her, will never compromise our relationship again, and just wanted to make her go away so he could be free to be with me. He sent her an email today and told her he is going to marry me, that he does want a divorce, that he will never be with her again or compromise us. I want to believe him. I feel like such a fool. I'd heed the warning his ex-wife is giving you about what kind of guy this is. She may not be intending to help you, but she is if you can just bring yourself to see it.
stillafool Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I am stunned. He said he did it to appease her, that she promised if he gave her one more day she would give him his divorce and leave him alone to his relationship with me. He said he couldn't get it up, but that they did have oral sex. He swears he doesn't desire her, will never compromise our relationship again, and just wanted to make her go away so he could be free to be with me. He sent her an email today and told her he is going to marry me, that he does want a divorce, that he will never be with her again or compromise us. I want to believe him. I feel like such a fool. I know this doesn't help but at least he told you. He didn't have to do that. His ex wife is definitely trying her best to get him back and she does not have your best interest in mind. Has he only been separated for 5 months as well? If not how long?
stillafool Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I'd heed the warning his ex-wife is giving you about what kind of guy this is. She may not be intending to help you, but she is if you can just bring yourself to see it. I see what your saying. But, just because he is weak for his ex wife doesn't mean he is weak for all women.
bean1 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 You should probably speak to the OW forum. You are currently in the position of the OW (he IS married and he IS having sex with his wife). Hopefully the women there who have been through the same song and dance will give you the support you need to take off the blinders and see that this man is not telling you the truth about many things.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I am stunned. He said he did it to appease her, that she promised if he gave her one more day she would give him his divorce and leave him alone to his relationship with me. He said he couldn't get it up, but that they did have oral sex. He swears he doesn't desire her, will never compromise our relationship again, and just wanted to make her go away so he could be free to be with me. He sent her an email today and told her he is going to marry me, that he does want a divorce, that he will never be with her again or compromise us. I want to believe him. I feel like such a fool. Believe what I say, not what I do.
Lucky_One Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Wow. I have never heard of a man giving in to sex in order to get a woman to go away. Every woman I have EVER known or read about gets far more attached with sexual contact. Does he copy you on these emails? Or just tell you about them?
Thornton Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 He's still banging his wife, he confessed this to you, and you're still hanging around wondering what to do? Run, run like the wind! Get as far away from this guy as possible. He has cheated on you once already, then confessed in order to salve his own conscience, and you're lying down and taking it like a good little doormat. For goodness sake use some common sense and dump this rat before you get any more involved with his messy life. His relationship with his wife is clearly not over, as evidenced by the fact that he's still having sex and an emotionally intimate relationship with her. If there are no children then there's no reason for him to be in contact with his wife, apart from finalising the divorce in the presence of lawyers. You shouldn't settle for playing the role of the OW here - dump him and find someone who's prepared to commit to you and actually be faithful and decent. I you stay with this guy you're setting yourself up for a whole load of heartache. That said; if you do insist on staying with him, you need to insist that he cuts contact with his wife apart from attending legal proceedings for the purposes of divorce.
EarthGirl Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I know this doesn't help but at least he told you. He didn't have to do that. His ex wife is definitely trying her best to get him back and she does not have your best interest in mind. Has he only been separated for 5 months as well? If not how long? I don't know why the wife WOULD have her best interest in mind. It's clear that this woman does not have HER (the wife's) best interest in mind. No offense but that's kind of a stupid statement. Although I have at times felt sorry for and worried about women that were in competition with me for men if they were having a hard time in life and I heard about it.. in a strange way, even though I still felt jealous at the same time and a small bit of hatred for them of course. And I have attempted to remain civil at all times (I have failed a few times though I readily admit)......I can tell you that NO woman I have ever come across that was in competition with me has EVER had MY best interest at heart or worried about me in the least. I was the enemy, period. A slut, a whore, nothing but trash to get rid of at all costs. And they showed it with some tricks and some words towards me that would make the desperate housewives shocked. Except for a few that ironically later became my friends when we realized that the men weren't right for either of us (two different situations, two different men, and two women who are my dearest of friends now) anyway. I am not saying the women who were mean to me were lesser women than me..we all have weaknesses ( I do too, maybe diff ones), especially when it comes to love and all is fair in love and war after all. I am sure to most people in their life they come across they are nothing less than fine citizens and wonderfully warm people. I was just in a certain position that made me an enemy to them...it's fine..I recovered and I hold no hard feelings. And the women who became my friends are exceptionally special people that I just got along with for some reason so strangely it wasn't as weird or difficult as you would think to care about them dearly even though we cared about the same men once upon a time. Sisters before misters, right. They treated me a lot better than any man ever has anyway.
Author julkat Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 I've never thought of myself as the OW. They have lived apart for 5 years, but she continued to live in our very small town (in an apartment above their business) as they run a very lucrative business together. In August she moved 6 hours away to go back to school (she's 55). I didn't expect her to have my best interest in mind. They have 2 children and a grandchild together. She's depressed. She wants her old life back. I told him last night: 1) That I won't be with him right now. 2) He needs to establish boundaries around the way they interact with each other in the future, and I will determine if those boundaries will work for me. 3) He breached my trust and we have that issue now too - he didn't confess, I found out that he lied to me He told me: 1) That he did it because she said that after 32 years she gave him this one day was what he could give her, and then she would stop bugging him to get back together 2) That it was emotionally uninvolved, and that she ended up crying because she knew he was doing it to appease her and not because he wanted to be with her 3) That he will do whateverhe needs to do to make this right, and that he will never put himself in a position again where he compromises us 4) That he recognizes she has power over him because he feels guilty for leaving her 5 years ago, and she blames him for the loss of her life, work, community. He will work on dealing with that guilt, perhaps through counselling, so that they can deal with each other on even footing Every man I've ever been with has cheated on me. I love, love, love sex, and get compliments, not complaints, so it's not because I'm frigid or uninterested. He is so otherwise totally different than any man I've ever know. Until Saturday, he is the only person I've met that I can see marrying, and wanted to marry and be with for the rest of my life. I knew the day I married my husband 20 years ago that it wasn't right but did it for the child we had. This man was sooo different. And now it feels like he's ruined it.
Lishy Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I really do not know what to say to you! He is a cheat, he is not who you thought he was and if he didnt confess how did you find out?
Thornton Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 He is a cheat, he is not who you thought he was and if he didnt confess how did you find out? That is a very good question. Presumably only he and his wife were there, so if he didn't confess, I assume she must have told you that she was banging him? Or did he boast to a friend who then told you? Either way, he's a cheater, and you're better off without him. You say this man was "sooo different" - but clearly he wasn't, you just thought he was - in actual fact he's a cheater and a rat, and you were taken in by him. There's no shame in being conned by a guy who's an extremely good liar, but now you've found out what he's like you should run for the hills.
2sure Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 He has a VERY high comfort level with infidelity. If you dont, this is not a good match.
Bleeve Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 run from this guy, he is obviously not who you thought he was
boldjack Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 OP, sorry but you are being fed a load of crap. If, for your own peace of mind, you try to get to the bottom of this, I suggest you ask his wife, if he has cheated before. I'm betting that you aren't the first woman he has pulled this **** with. You are his woman on the side, and always will be, but you should have read the signals better. They have been married 28 years, and separated for 5. Why haven't they gotten a divorce? For the business? Bushwa!! If it was truly over between them, then there are many ways to continue a business relationship, without hopping into bed. You said yourself that she only comes around to do the books. If you choose to continue a relationship with this man, she will be a part of your life, forever, and will always stand between you and the marriage you want. The 800lb Gorilla, in the corner. BTW, he is saying exactly what every other cheating person says, about remorse and changing and the like . You can find dozens of similar stories in the OW?OM forum, Leave him, and continue your life as before. Good Luck
serialgf Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 i'm sorry that this happened to you especially since you thought he was "the one".... but somewhere deep inside you must know that all that talk about doing the deed with her to appease her or give her closure is a bunch of hooey.... i mean really - it actually pissed me off just to read that! i think its good on you that you told him you can't be with him right now. this man is obviously putting her needs above yours and that is just not acceptable if you're supposedly the one he wants to be with... i've been her in this situation (though he was my former boyfriend, not husband) and when he went along with it i knew that he still loved me and that she was a rebound / replacement etc. Needless to say he and i ended up back together (and have long since broken up). to me it seems that the first big red flag was when he wouldn't take you to the wedding because SHE didn't want him to. i would not tolerate that and i don't think you should have either you deserve better than this guy and he needs to either get over her or be with her... that's not fair to you good luck!
serialgf Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 OP, sorry but you are being fed a load of crap. If, for your own peace of mind, you try to get to the bottom of this, I suggest you ask his wife, if he has cheated before. I'm betting that you aren't the first woman he has pulled this **** with. You are his woman on the side, and always will be, but you should have read the signals better. They have been married 28 years, and separated for 5. Why haven't they gotten a divorce? For the business? Bushwa!! If it was truly over between them, then there are many ways to continue a business relationship, without hopping into bed. You said yourself that she only comes around to do the books. If you choose to continue a relationship with this man, she will be a part of your life, forever, and will always stand between you and the marriage you want. The 800lb Gorilla, in the corner. BTW, he is saying exactly what every other cheating person says, about remorse and changing and the like . You can find dozens of similar stories in the OW?OM forum, Leave him, and continue your life as before. Good Luck amen!!!!!!!
stillafool Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I don't know why the wife WOULD have her best interest in mind. It's clear that this woman does not have HER (the wife's) best interest in mind. No offense but that's kind of a stupid statement. Although I have at times felt sorry for and worried about women that were in competition with me for men if they were having a hard time in life and I heard about it.. in a strange way, even though I still felt jealous at the same time and a small bit of hatred for them of course. And I have attempted to remain civil at all times (I have failed a few times though I readily admit)......I can tell you that NO woman I have ever come across that was in competition with me has EVER had MY best interest at heart or worried about me in the least. I was the enemy, period. A slut, a whore, nothing but trash to get rid of at all costs. And they showed it with some tricks and some words towards me that would make the desperate housewives shocked. Except for a few that ironically later became my friends when we realized that the men weren't right for either of us (two different situations, two different men, and two women who are my dearest of friends now) anyway. I am not saying the women who were mean to me were lesser women than me..we all have weaknesses ( I do too, maybe diff ones), especially when it comes to love and all is fair in love and war after all. I am sure to most people in their life they come across they are nothing less than fine citizens and wonderfully warm people. I was just in a certain position that made me an enemy to them...it's fine..I recovered and I hold no hard feelings. And the women who became my friends are exceptionally special people that I just got along with for some reason so strangely it wasn't as weird or difficult as you would think to care about them dearly even though we cared about the same men once upon a time. Sisters before misters, right. They treated me a lot better than any man ever has anyway. Well, I'm not you or any other woman. I have been in a stituation where I did put another woman who I was in competition with best interest in mind - by not having an affair with her fiance and then husband. I was in love with him also but chose to step away because it was the right thing to do. I'm a firm believer in "karma". Before you call my statments "stupid" you should know what you are talking about first.
secondbest Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 as a former ow this man will more than likely do this again.. and she is not going away anytime soon. When he told you it was to appease her so she would leave him alone thats one of the oldest lines in the book and believe me in six years i have heard them all.
delajoonal Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 28 years is a loooooooooooong time! they didn't stay together that long just because.... they obviously loved each other very much... and enough that they even keep trying to get back together and MAKE IT work...still? and still having sex... ya, if i was u, i would be worried...especially if he says he is still having to find ways to avoid his W because he is still sexually attracted to her... maybe its time for a sit down with this man you are in love with...Before its way too late...? good luck...
shunter Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 This guy of yours is only a fool for opening his mouth too much. any guy married to someone for 28 years is going to have feelings and is going to find it easy to end up in bed with them. sorry to tell you the truth, but everyone is going to feel this way. unfortunately he is too stupid that he opened his mouth and let the cat out of the bag so to speak. my concern is why they still have this business together? the reason people get divorced and never see each other again is to permanently end the relationship. you need to have a talk with him about this. just be caring, sincere, and honest "i understand you were married for 28 years and given the right situation you guys could kiss and maybe end up doing more .. i understand this is normal, so why dont you separate and cut her off completely so there is no risk of that happening?" then tell me what he says and ill tell you what to do
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